Boyfriends autistic son

[Indigo270]

So me and my partner have an amazing relationship, I have a grown daughter (22) who has moved out and has her own place. He has 2 children a daughter who’s 4 and son who’s 5 who live 2hrs away but come to visit school holidays and every other weekend, sometimes every weekend depending on plans either side etc. I have a good relationship with both children, mainly his daughter however I just wanted to ask opinions/advice on his son..

firstly I do love his son to pieces but he is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and I hate to say this. His son has autism.. low end of the spectrum. But I feel my partner uses this as an excuse for his behaviour. When it’s time for him to go back home after visits he will create such a fuss most of the time my partner allows him to stay… meaning he misses school, my partner lets him stay up until whenver he likes with no bed time on XBox, allows him to get up whenever he likes, follow him around everywhere, go round to his friends houses with him until 11/12 at night, co sleep in his bed (we live separate officially but when the children aren’t here we basically live together), basically he is treated more as a friend rather than a son. My partner will not allow me to say a word about it, however I do have huge concerns especially the fact he just thinks it’s ok to keep him off school because he didn’t want to go home? I mean of course he isn’t going to want to go back home where he has to be treated like a child and have rules? I have tried to say to him when his child is kicking off when it’s time to go home and climbing under cars or holding lamp posts etc he is basically rewarding his bad behaviour by allowing him to stay instead of making him behave well then come back down? Or at least making it that if he does stay then he has to follow a set routine, as the way it stands now why would he want to go home and be in school and have a routine? I feel like I can completely empathise that he has autism but enabling his behaviour and just allowing him to rule the roost isn’t helping anything at all? His daughter is the most well behaved good girl ever, has manners, listens to what you say and comes down and goes back with absolutely no issues, often telling her brother to shut up and he’s annoying her once the crying and kick offs start when it’s time to leave. Even then my partner totally doesn’t help situations and starts molly coddling and making it a big dramatic ending instead of just being positive and telling him he will be back next week!
I don’t know.. I just feel like it’s getting me down and on the weeks his child does stay because my partner gave in and didn’t send him home I don’t get a single moment with my partner alone, we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok. It would be different if he came to live with us and we had a schedule and routine but he doesn’t and everything just ends up revolving around him.

am I being unreasonable in this situation?

What, exactly, is ‘borderline autistic’? Do you call people ‘borderline Down syndrome’ as well, or is your ableist bullshit language only limited to ASD?

Has to be the same poster. Similar story, random use of multiple "y's" in posts...

yes and both have no paragraphs.

I think you are making this up , 5 year old staying up on X box , out until 11/12 lol . Trying to get reactions

The 'autism support community... consists of a lot of people who either are autistic, or who live with those who are.

I'm afraid I am not really convinced the OP does want to learn and understand more. I think what she wants is an echo chamber of people agreeing that she is right and if only her partner would simply punish his child and stop allowing him to disrupt her relationship with him, things would be solved.

I also don't think anyone is being particularly mean - its not mean to point out she is wrong, or that what she thinks will work will not work, and why that's the case.

Is it mean to point out that this poor kid clearly has some serious issues with his Mums house and with school, as if he didn't, he'd not find it so highly aversive to think about returning to either place?

Is it mean to point out what sort of parenting would need to take place to help this kid?

I don't think so - the OP is adamant that she will not be ending the relationship, I think telling her what sort of parenting would be necessary is more helpful than simply ignoring her or only telling her she will have to put up with it (though as it stands, it looks like that is her only real choice here.)

You are only happy if someone agrees with you. You're not taking on board any advice, instead you take it as a personal attack and become defensive. You show no insight into autism whatsoever. You say you don't stay with your partner when he has his children, yet seem to think that after your 2 year relationship with with the childs father you must be right and understand what the child needs better than anyone, including his own parents. Although that is contradictory as you have said both that you do understand his needs and that you are looking for advice around his needs. I think what you are really looking for is people to agree with you so you can shove it in your partners face to try and prove you are right.

It deffo is, just changed the ages and the grown up daughter. So strange, I saw another post share a different thread and it get deleted as against MN guidelines so I didn’t want to accuse OP directly lol.

Sounds like he’s a terrible partner and a terrible father. But OP has no intention of breaking up with him so advice is pointless

It's a made up story that is why. I remember a similar story a while back . There are people who do this wind up parents of children with additional needs. Story is full of inconsistencies

If the OP wants to have a baby with this man, then she should consider the likelihood of having an autistic child of her own. Autism is genetic in many cases. I’ve never come across a set of identical twins where one had autism and the other didn’t.

There is a growing number of people, like me, only now discovering that we are autistic after our children were diagnosed. I have four girls and three of them are autistic.

Sounds like the dads lack of boundaries and routine are probably making the autistic child very disregulated.

He should be working with the mother to maintain the most similar routines and rules across both of the child's homes
.
It doesn't sound like his current treatment of the child is doing him any favors whatsoever.

He really won’t change. Your dp that is. The behaviour and lack of boundaries is embedded, and it will be pretty impossible for him to do a complete flip and start parenting differently. As you’re not even living with him, I guess it’s not something you can insist on as it’s his home and his rules,whether you stay there occasionally or not. I’d start wondering if this relationship is right for you, and whether you would be happy to do so much compromising, because things aren’t going to change.

After seeing the other post that has been linked on here I'm thinking the same.

Absolutely, it's always feral people like this that sadly reproduce, reproduce, reproduce...and another one! With no intention of raising them properly. Not that this poster will read this they are already changing their username as we speak.

Yup, the poster made it up. Probably posting as multiple usernames in this chat to wind people up

His child’s mother has 6 other children to 3 other men and clearly doesn’t give a hoot about the kid otherwise she would either let us take him full time or enforce some sort of normal schedule with him.

Then why would your boyfriend choose to have more chat with her??

Sorry Children (not chat )

A meltdown and a tantrum are two completely separate things! All children , NT or ND , can have tantrums to get what they want.

If going home triggers a meltdown , then there is a reason that’s a trigger - it’s distressing him so much that he cannot handle the emotions he is feeling and he has absolutely no control over this. It’s is more distressing, damaging and exhausting to him than to anyone else. If it’s a meltdown then quite frankly your feelings on the matter and how it affects your plans are low on the priorities. If it’s a meltdown , you need to find the cause.

If it’s a tantrum , that’s different.

What I will say is to already be diagnosed at age 5 - that’s not likely to be ‘mild’ , ‘high functioning’ , ‘low end ‘ of any other outdated phrase. It must have affected him in quite a significant way. So please have some thoughts for the struggles this little child , this baby , is facing ,

How sad that at this young age and with autism he’s having to do a 4 hour round trip to see his dad . Has anyone thought that it could be the journey that’s the trigger ?

That makes sense. It explains why he had to move two hours away from his children to be with the OP. And she describes herself as his family. It is probable that there is a pregnancy involved.

Dont invest, it s made up story lol

Excellent work @Namechangean 👍🏻

Yes you're being unreasonable. The children's needs come first.
You clearly need to read up about autism because what does "low end of the spectrum" even mean?? We don't use this terminology.
Children being expected to travel 2 hours there and 2 hours back once a fortnight is so so much for them. No wonder they are tired and not wanting to keep travelling.

The child isn't "making a fuss" or "kicking off" or behaving "badly". He is likely overwhelmed, disregulated and tired. Stop treating him like a NT child.

I'm not autistic and I don't have autistic dc. So I don't have a heap of knowledge about autism, however it is clear you're seriously lacking.

Why do you keep saying "meltdown" with the inverted commas? Mixing up low functioning and high functioning. Making out this child is manipulative.

Even the post from another Miner telling you of a traumatic incident at an airport....no compassion in your reply.

Christy almightyyyyyy!

You're not covering yourself in glory here tbh.

But to your point. The parents need to work out a way between themselves how to deal with this situation better. The 2 hour distance is obviously a problem, as is some of the parenting behaviours. But at the end of the day, I can't see this lasting between you as a couple. Your boyfriend isn't going to change for you and you'll end up resentful. Walk away OP.

Unfortunately this is the worst sort of arrangent for an autistic child - constantly changing, different homes, different people, everything different and nothing consistent. The arrangement to suit parents doesn't suit him.

Autism is genetic - is your husband also ND? He may well find this difficult to navigate through no fault of his own.