Boyfriends autistic son

[Indigo270]

So me and my partner have an amazing relationship, I have a grown daughter (22) who has moved out and has her own place. He has 2 children a daughter who’s 4 and son who’s 5 who live 2hrs away but come to visit school holidays and every other weekend, sometimes every weekend depending on plans either side etc. I have a good relationship with both children, mainly his daughter however I just wanted to ask opinions/advice on his son..

firstly I do love his son to pieces but he is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and I hate to say this. His son has autism.. low end of the spectrum. But I feel my partner uses this as an excuse for his behaviour. When it’s time for him to go back home after visits he will create such a fuss most of the time my partner allows him to stay… meaning he misses school, my partner lets him stay up until whenver he likes with no bed time on XBox, allows him to get up whenever he likes, follow him around everywhere, go round to his friends houses with him until 11/12 at night, co sleep in his bed (we live separate officially but when the children aren’t here we basically live together), basically he is treated more as a friend rather than a son. My partner will not allow me to say a word about it, however I do have huge concerns especially the fact he just thinks it’s ok to keep him off school because he didn’t want to go home? I mean of course he isn’t going to want to go back home where he has to be treated like a child and have rules? I have tried to say to him when his child is kicking off when it’s time to go home and climbing under cars or holding lamp posts etc he is basically rewarding his bad behaviour by allowing him to stay instead of making him behave well then come back down? Or at least making it that if he does stay then he has to follow a set routine, as the way it stands now why would he want to go home and be in school and have a routine? I feel like I can completely empathise that he has autism but enabling his behaviour and just allowing him to rule the roost isn’t helping anything at all? His daughter is the most well behaved good girl ever, has manners, listens to what you say and comes down and goes back with absolutely no issues, often telling her brother to shut up and he’s annoying her once the crying and kick offs start when it’s time to leave. Even then my partner totally doesn’t help situations and starts molly coddling and making it a big dramatic ending instead of just being positive and telling him he will be back next week!
I don’t know.. I just feel like it’s getting me down and on the weeks his child does stay because my partner gave in and didn’t send him home I don’t get a single moment with my partner alone, we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok. It would be different if he came to live with us and we had a schedule and routine but he doesn’t and everything just ends up revolving around him.

am I being unreasonable in this situation?

Autistic children need routine, structure and predictable parenting with clear boundaries (as do all kids, but even more so with autism). Your partner isn’t giving him any of that. It sounds like this is a boy who is really anxious because he’s got too much control and that’s not appropriate for any kid that little. Yeah, he likely struggles with transitions, so the answer is to give him a predictable routine around them with clear expectations and support, not just letting him do what he likes! Jeeez. You might not know a huge amount about autism but you’ve got the measure of your partner alright here! This is about him not wanting to be the ‘bad guy’ and this poor kid is a mess because of it.

Hes setting himself for a nightmare here. Let’s see how cute your partner thinks it is when his son is 6 foot tall and has zero experience of having to follow rules or respect boundaries.

And yet your so called amazing partner decided to have not one but two children with her????

This child is disabled and requires empathy. They are also likely to be emotionally a third younger than their chronological age. So, you're not actually dealing with a 6 year old her, you're dealing with a child with the emotional understanding of a 3 or 4 year old so you have to factor that in to the equation.

I'd suggest you contact some local autism charities and do a few courses with an open mind to help you to understand autism and how to handle things in the best interests of the whole family.

This child needs bucket loads of empathy.

They also need to know what's happening and when so a visual timetable should help.Try not to change plans too much and try to stick to a regular routine. Allow them to eat the same foods and wear the same clothes to help them feel more secure.

Mainstream school is rarely the right place for an autistic child too.

Any chance you and DP could move close to where his son and daughter live and attend school OP?
It would make the co-parenting much easier, and staying at dads wouldn’t mean missing school etc. As the kids get older there will be more sports, activities and friends to juggle too. Being hours away makes things more difficult.

There are so many similarities. The style of writing and grammar. The ex has 8 children too.

Both posters don’t live with this man, but he stays up playing Xbox and the 5 year old with autism doesn’t go to school.
Perhaps this OP can read that thread for advice.

And stop wasting everyone's time.

Even though I think the responses here are extremely high in virtue signalling calling for empathy for the child and not for the OP.. I ultimately agree with the sentiment of these are his children and parenting a SEN child is different from parenting a child developing within the range of normal.

It is hard in general @Indigo270 to watch other parents parent, but when it is putting a strain on your relationship its best to call it quits before you say something that you regret.

The extra needs this child has will only increase as they work their way through the childrens services and you partner as lovely as he is, will be consumed by this, probably for the rest of his life.

Most autistic children thrive on routine - visual timetables etc.
Quite a few don't, because they feel hopelessly restricted and smothered by external demands being made of them and have a biological need to do things their own way, in their own time. In that circumstance, your partner's approach is actually pretty much the correct one.

It's 100% the same poster. They could just discuss the matter in the mirror 😂

Yes! This was the one I meant! I was to eager to post to factcheck the thread.

The parents are completely incompetent. Both of them see no problem with the child missing school for weeks on end?

Your boyfriend sounds like he lives purely in the moment with no regard for the future, that’s not someone I’d want to be in a relationship with. He barely works, has no routine, and doesn’t care about his children’s educational outcomes? Nah, not for me.

You aren’t his family yet, you are his girlfriend. His family is his kids and his parents and siblings. Once you’re living together, committed and your families are blended, then you are family.

There’s nothing you can do as you aren’t the child’s parent. It’s not your place to be teaching your boyfriend how to parent. You need to either accept it how it is, or move on.

Are you a lot older than your partner, to have kids with such an age gap?

Are you planning to have kids with your boyfriend?

How long was he single between his ex and you? If you’ve been together nearly 2 years, were his kids 2 and 3 when you got together? Has he just jumped from one relationship to another? Did he try to make it work with his kids mum? They were very young to have their parents split.

@Indigo270 I honestly don’t understand why people like you decide to have relationships with men who already have children, especially a very young child with an SEN and expect for your wants and needs to come above those of the child.

Ultimately, you can’t wait for the children to go back home so that you can have alone time. That’s the truth of the situation from what I can see. And is why you prefer the daughter.

I am not surprised, however that so many people have voted YANBU. Those people have no understanding of autism, that’s why. When people say that a parent is using autism as an excuse for the behaviour, it’s totally ignorant and shows a misunderstanding of the condition.

With autistic children, you have to pick your battles. You cannot expect them to behave like NT children and they can’t be parented the same way as NT children.

You should leave the relationship imo because you aren’t willing to understand the child and be his stepmother. Find someone single with no children.

I have an autistic son. People have been giving lots of useful advice here and on the other thread the OP had (sorry, I mistakenly didn't give the right one but another user found it).
The problem here is not autism. It's a useless potsmoking man-child who doesn't work and who thinks It's appropriate to game all night with a five year old. He's a useless father to ANY kid and SS should intervene because his children are in danger.

Oh god, you are trying for a baby 🙄

He cant effectively parent the kids he has OP - stop reproducing and start dealing with the problems you already have!!!

There should be IQ tests before adults are allowed to have kids - you wouldn’t pass. Kids need stability, financial security. How would you and your immature boyfriend manage this with everything else going on? Your boyfriend barely working. He has three other kids. Does he pay for them!?

Grow up.

Some of us are autistic.

The OP has said some things that sound judgemental or ignorant.

We have offered our examples and advice, but if OP wants to understand autism better she can do the hours of research online we have had to, or as others have suggested, seek out webinars or day classes. This isn't bad advice. It's very good advice because she will get a more tailored approach to her living situation as well as risk assessments, occupational health support, signposting to other resources such as sensory diet planning etc.

But many of us are parents to autistic children and quite understandably we are upset because we're reading some quite upsetting things. It's a bit offensive to suggest we're lacking empathy, when we're being incredibly empathetic especially towards the child who should be front and centre.

People aren't being judgemental, they're just aghast that you think autistic behaviors can somehow be unlearned by not 'rewarding' them.

The majority of your posts are focused on how this affects you, rather than how you can support the child's father in providing the best life for them. If that's what's most important to you, then for the sake of the kid you shouldn't be taking this any further.

I find it ironic that we are the ones who are considered by NT people to have no empathy when I read comments like this. 🤣

I would love for his child to come and live with us full time so we can actually establish him into some what of a normal schedule and routine.

I think you are mistaken about how this would turn out. Your DP and you are not on the same page with parenting. There is no reason to think that he would work with you to establish a normal routine.
When you say "we", you are assuming you and DP would work together on the issue - that would likely not happen.
What if he tells you to back off and stop telling his son what to do? What if DP refuses to let you try and instil any discipline and routine? You would be powerless over the situation in your own home.

I'm really surprised that you want to get involved with someone with such young children when your daughter is older and has left home. That's not something I would do.

I have to say your boyfriend is a really rubbish father. He's not someone I would want to associate with and would definitely not want to live with him.

So I would throw him back in the sea!

You most certainly won’t be splitting up?

More fool you then.

No decent parent keeps their child off school for the reasons he is.

And no decent partner skips work knowing his partner will pick up the financial slack.

OP have you and your partner tried any SEN parenting classes or information sessions? I highly recommended my young child has SEN and I really struggled at start I thought the meltdowns where just being bold and not listening and playing up in badness but my goodness with reading and also attending these classes my eyes where opened. I think it would give you both great insight into how to try and manage some of the situations and difficulties you will face such as coping with change, routines, visual timetables, sensory needs etc that with knowledge and if done correctly can make life more manageable when parenting a neurodiverse child. I had the same issue with a partner who could not get over my child's "behaviour" as his NT daughter never behaved like that. The lack of awareness is sad very real but I praise you for trying to understand. Please read up and attend the classes if use can and also follow support groups on fb for advice. I can imagine it's very difficult when its not ur child also to be honest. If someone else's child had put me through what my child did to my partner in all honesty I would have walked away and thought I can't cope with this we had some extremely tough times I can't lie. It won't always be easy so you need to decide what's best for you. He as a father though should not be sitting round gaming with other children at all hours and any school avoidance needs to be nipped in the bud early or else it will get worse. Has the child had any support from school or play therapy to help him understand all this? Children need social stories for nearly every event and every day pretty much

Yet your boyfriend decided to have children with her. Is he typically a 'bit slow'? 🙄
Then he moved 2 hours away from his children.

He's not interested in your parenting opinions. You don't intend to leave the relationship because YOU are his family. At least he knows he's got you to pick up the slack when he doesn't work, I guess.

What exactly do you want here? You 'understanding', or even just venting, isn't going to make a difference if he isn't interested in what you have to say. You can get all the advice you want, or don't want, but he's not changing anything. Sounds like you need to just accept it. He's not exactly a prince, is he? Really. So find a way to live with it 🤷‍♀️