Boyfriends autistic son

[Indigo270]

So me and my partner have an amazing relationship, I have a grown daughter (22) who has moved out and has her own place. He has 2 children a daughter who’s 4 and son who’s 5 who live 2hrs away but come to visit school holidays and every other weekend, sometimes every weekend depending on plans either side etc. I have a good relationship with both children, mainly his daughter however I just wanted to ask opinions/advice on his son..

firstly I do love his son to pieces but he is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and I hate to say this. His son has autism.. low end of the spectrum. But I feel my partner uses this as an excuse for his behaviour. When it’s time for him to go back home after visits he will create such a fuss most of the time my partner allows him to stay… meaning he misses school, my partner lets him stay up until whenver he likes with no bed time on XBox, allows him to get up whenever he likes, follow him around everywhere, go round to his friends houses with him until 11/12 at night, co sleep in his bed (we live separate officially but when the children aren’t here we basically live together), basically he is treated more as a friend rather than a son. My partner will not allow me to say a word about it, however I do have huge concerns especially the fact he just thinks it’s ok to keep him off school because he didn’t want to go home? I mean of course he isn’t going to want to go back home where he has to be treated like a child and have rules? I have tried to say to him when his child is kicking off when it’s time to go home and climbing under cars or holding lamp posts etc he is basically rewarding his bad behaviour by allowing him to stay instead of making him behave well then come back down? Or at least making it that if he does stay then he has to follow a set routine, as the way it stands now why would he want to go home and be in school and have a routine? I feel like I can completely empathise that he has autism but enabling his behaviour and just allowing him to rule the roost isn’t helping anything at all? His daughter is the most well behaved good girl ever, has manners, listens to what you say and comes down and goes back with absolutely no issues, often telling her brother to shut up and he’s annoying her once the crying and kick offs start when it’s time to leave. Even then my partner totally doesn’t help situations and starts molly coddling and making it a big dramatic ending instead of just being positive and telling him he will be back next week!
I don’t know.. I just feel like it’s getting me down and on the weeks his child does stay because my partner gave in and didn’t send him home I don’t get a single moment with my partner alone, we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok. It would be different if he came to live with us and we had a schedule and routine but he doesn’t and everything just ends up revolving around him.

am I being unreasonable in this situation?

He's just had his first emergency annual review and we're awaiting results from panel, expected by beginning of March. If he doesn't get into specialist we will be appealing.

School thankfully are on my side, at least with specialist provision. Not so much the support they offer in school but we are aligned in our determination to get him into the right setting.

I've no experience with the EOTAS provision and I don't know what alternatives for temporary education there are in our area or what my son could reasonable engage with. He definitely wouldn't manage online education just yet. I think I ought to do some reading up on it though as you don't get anything without knowing your rights so I will definitely have a look at it. Thank you.

I think the idea here is that the 5 year old is using his behaviours to manipulate his parents like a neurotypical 5 year old might. He sounds as though he’s hugely stressed and struggling.

Surely the school have said something?

You didn't listen to any of the advice given.

meltdowns are nothing like tantrums so you dont have to worry about giving into them. They’re not about manipulation - they are a complete loss of emotional control. This is definitely the first difference you need to really understand.

Children having a meltdown need compassion and patience. Not discipline.

is there a local autumn charity near you at all? Maybe there are a few webinars or drop in centres you could go to to start you try and understand how to parent this boy (your partner too of course). If you’re definitely staying for the long haul then the kindest thing for all of you is to absorb as much as you can on autism. There are some excellent instagram and Facebook groups too that can help.

The sister is 4 years old!

The big problem here is that this child's parents live 2 hours away from each other, whoever made that choice was definitely not thinking what was best for their kids, let alone one with ASD.

This kid needs his dad nearby. Kids with ASD often really struggle with transitions - and this kid has 2 hour long transitions twice a week. I'm not surprised for one minute that he is completely losing it. He needs his dad to be able to take him to school and pick him up from school, not live a couple hundred miles away.

His father letting him do whatever he likes is not helping anything, he needs a really good healthy routine, not his dad taking him out to his mates house until god knows what time. If his child can't cope with coming off games consoles then they should have been removed as soon as it was clear he couldn't cope with boundaries around it. He's only 5 years old he doesn't need to be on games consoles at all.

This is a child that needs a lot of really good, calm, consistent parenting - not just being left to do whatever he pleases. With this sort of parenting you will end up with a very anxious child who has no routine to make him feel safe and secure and it'll likely end up getting more and more difficult and problematic the bigger he gets.

The big thing here to me though is that this is a child that need his parents to live close to each other. With parents like this though OP there's nothing that you can really do about any of it unfortunately OP.

Its still not okay to tell him to shut up - I'm not saying she's a bad kid or anything but I'd be strongly discouraging it

Do people set up new user names? Is that a thing? How annoying and time wasting if you are correct.

I’m a single father to a son with asd, and perhaps adhd also, so I’m in your DP’s boat. I have mine full time though and I certainly wouldn’t have the time/energy to keep a woman happy on top of it.

All I can say is you have to learn the difference between bad behaviour and emotional disregulation. This little boy isn’t being “naughty” he’s suffering disregulation from triggers. I can empathise it looks very similar and just some discipline and solid parenting will right the ship, but I promise you if it was really that simple we parents of neuro-diverse children would all be doing it!

There is no way of sugar coating this,
but certain children come needing households and families that will have to make adjustments and accommodations. Now I’m not going to judge you if you have needs in the relationship that aren’t being met because of the stresses and strains that come along with a child that needs additional support.

What I’d implore you to do though if you plan to stick this out is your post’s tone seems be less about the child himself, and that’s to your credit, but how your partner is choosing to handle this. There is just the hint of negative judgement, and I have to tell you my first job when my son disregulates is to get him to calm down. Screens can help those with autism regulate, so a view from the outside may very well be I let my son sit on screens too much. I can get him off them entirely but only if I can provide something equally engrossing, and there isn’t always time as I need to get a million and one things sorted
on top of parenting him.

Like your partner my son will follow me about constantly, but that’s because I’m his place of safety. It’s only from that place I can improve his social skills and bolster and prepare him to function more independently. It’s a process and none of us get it right, but the last thing I’d need as I’m figuring all this out is a partner in the background beginning to marinade in resentment as in their judgement I’m handling things or prioritising things wrongly.

I remember a thread that was much more specific than this, including his working for himself and the kid staying longer than the weekend and it meaning she’s having to pay for everything

Brilliantly put

It takes a lot of trial and error as a parent of a child with special needs. It looks to me like your DP is basically saying he can't or won't parent because his child is autistic. That is such a terrible thing to do. His child needs help and he's a disneyland dad. I went thru this myself once. Unless he is willing to give his son what he needs this will never get better. I'd start thinking about leaving to be honest.

Do some training on it - CAMHS, autism charities like ASIAM, NAS etc., some of it for free - then you’ll have a better understanding gained from professionals. Asking for advice on mumsnet isn’t really the answer - how do you know it’s valid or appropriate?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5232624-partners-autistic-son?postsby=Dinero86

here’s the thread that reminded me of this one

Sorry if I'm repeating information - haven't had time to read all the posts. The autistic spectrum doesn't mean you can be 'low' on the specturm or 'high' on the spectrum, it just means you're autistic. The spectrum is the different ways in which autism presents (I know I'm simplyfying massively).

Something many if not most autistic people find difficult is transitions. Going from one place to another is a classic example. It sounds like your partner hasn't been given enough support in dealing with his son's autism. Routine and structure are very important in helping autistic children to find ways to cope, as are systems for introducing change and preparing a child for it - so going home needs to be part of the day's routine and built in from the start. He and his son's mother need to work on this. He could do with talking to the school and see if they've got good special needs support where he can get advice.

He (your partner) doesn't sound very mature if he's dealing with autistic behaviour in this way. Routine, structure and guidnace are the way. His son isn't behaving badly, he's just unable to deal with many aspects of life that don't phase neurotypical people and he needs help in finding ways of doing this.

This thread is either copying this persons premise or it’s the same person but has changed the set up for some reason? Either way doesn’t seem to me to be legitimate

Reading all your other posts i hope you guys do not reproduce anymore.

Genuinely, what are you actually hoping to achieve with this thread? Giving you advice on how to manage the behaviour is pointless when it's your boyfriend who needs to put the work in and he "will not allow me to say a word about it".

OK. A meltdown doesn't teach an autistic child anything. When they're in meltdown, they have very little, if any, control over themselves.

Imagine the most scariest thing happening to you. Perhaps waking up to burglars in your bedroom or being in a plane crash. It would put you in Fight, Flight or Freeze mode.

You won't be able to think rationally, you are likely to forget some of what you've gone through and you are likely to be traumatised afterwards.

That is what is happening to an autistic child in meltdown.

There is absolutely no getting through to them or reasoning with them because they're highly anxious and Fight, Flight or Freeze mode.

When my child is in meltdown, their eyes go black. It's because their pupils are so enlarged, their eyes look black. They're highly anxious and have no control over themselves.

Next time you see this little boy like that,imagine you're waking up to a burglar in your bedroom who you know intends to do you harm and you're going to be fighting for your life. Then you begin to understand what this child's anxiety is like almost all of the time. And it's transition, being around people being ultra sensitive to noise, touch, smell and taste, having a change to their routine and very often the inability to fall asleep at conventional times that trigger the meltdown.

My goodness. Back off people. Here's a woman who came to ask for help and all she gets is you dont understand autism, you don't sound like you like the child, you should leave your bf. Wtf. Esp given she kept saying she isn't leaving anyone and loves the child. No one seems to be actually offering any advice except read about autism.
It sounds like a very difficult situation. The kid is struggling with transitions but has two households, a useless mom and a dad who basically does whatever the child wants. Yes autistic kids are handled differently, this doesn't mean he should be allowed to behave in a way that is against his own health and wellbeing. Let's say the kid wants to lay down on the motorway. Do we allow it? No. It is a fine line that is difficult for parents of sen to see right from wrong, let alone a woman whose own child has long grown up and finds herself in this situation. She came here out of concern for the child asking for advice. No one is f.ing guilty here. Kid can't help it, op has good intentions, dad maybe feels guilty for being away and maybe clueless himself. I can't believe this herd like pile on mentality.

They usually have no recollection of the meltdown afterwards so no, they don't learn anything from them.

As others have said you need to move on let him look after his son.

Having said that I wouldn't enter a relationship with a man who has 4 and 5 year old child when my child is an independent adult. That sounds regressive to me lol