To not run my 18 year old dd everywhere on her days off

[blackheartsgirl]

Dd doesn’t drive and refuses to catch the bus because she doesn’t like it and has told me it’s too much faff and it’s cold.

town is 1 mile away and there are regular buses. She wants to go to town to get her nails done and to buy vape liquid. She also wants me to walk round town with her because she doesn’t want to go by herself as she’ll get bored ffs and she wants a lift back.

I’ve got some health issues and I’m also off sick due to this. ( I do a heavy physical job) I hate town myself anyway.

i also run her boyfriend home, as he lives 5 miles away and no buses at night,

I am quite happy to take her to doctors appointments, and I take her to and from work every day, at 7 am and 5 pm. She does pay petrol and is learning to drive.

I also take dd3 14 to school, and run her about too.

no dh or any other support.

shes thinks I’m massively unreasonable, a bitch, I don’t care about her etc but I’m tired tbh and stressed. On Saturdays I spend my entire day in the car running about doing lifts for sporting activities for them both, sometimes travelling 30 to 40 miles away.

aibu to say no?

@Bearlady thank you yes I honestly don’t think my dds realise how much time I spend behind a wheel. My ds gets it as he has a similar problem and frustrations.

when my dd gets more confident behind the wheel then that definitely an option to let her drive, it will give me a break

Ah well, the sooner she passes her driving test, the better!
Apologies if you've already said, but do you take her out for driving practice?

@BMW6 I personally don’t but only because I’m a terrible passenger and I hate not having control over the car. My son does take her out though, he’s far more patient than I am!

I wouldn't dare ask my parents for a lift anywhere when I was a teenager! Even in minor emergencies if I called them they made it very clear it was a huge inconvenience if I asked them to pick me up! I would walk miles, get buses, trains whatever from the age of about 14.

She doesn't seem to be showing you much respect or consideration at all, at this point you need to demand it for your health if nothing else.

My 17 year old daughter walks that distance multiple times a day into town, to train for college and to friends house. She doesn’t expect lifts so when I sometimes offer a lift if it’s raining or I’m going out anyway she’s grateful. You’ve done her no favours with this beck and call taxi service

Short sharp wakeup call needed for your selfish DD.....

Do check, if you can, if something bad has actually happened to her on a bus - there may be more behind this than laziness / ongoing general anxiety.

Is it somewhere she's likely to see people she was at school with and didn't like etc. Or sleazy men or annoying local people who want to talk at her.

I was once on a bus in my twenties and had someone who claimed to have been at school with me (I didn't recognise him) touch my breast. I got loud and sweary and nobody on the bus did anything. I did know about the concept of bystander apathy at the time but not how to overcome it in the moment to encourage people into action.

I still take buses (never stopped) but have a plan in my head for that kind of thing happened again.

You are acting like ‘her bitch’. What on earth are you thinking?! She clearly has zero respect for you and I’m not sure you have any for yourself to be treated like this.

I wouldnt even taking her to work when there’s a bus?

i think your eldest girl is being a tiny bit entitled with the expectation of lifts everywhere - but I get it - it’s not safe on the streets. I have a 19 year old and 15 year old and they won’t walk into our town which is about 1 mile away - there is just too much going on - drugs / stabbings/murders they see all the local stuff going on on their socials and hearsay- makes them nervous who they
encounter. My 15 year old won’t go in public transport alone and for me I’d rather have peace of mind they are safely wherever they need to be. I feel your pain but it’s not forever they will soon be in adulthood and far more confident - good luck 🤞

It sounds like you’re slowly becoming less of a doormat but move faster please and don’t be a doormat at all - sadly you’ve made them entitled.

My children also lost their dad as young teens - and obviously it affected them badly. For us it meant everyone becoming more independent as I had to return to work. Allowing them to retreat from the world would not have done any of us any favours. You have to face your fears to learn to overcome them - and that included me!

I'd probably take BF home on occasion. Otherwise I'd be pointing out bus times or booking a taxi for them to go home.

Your DD is 18. She can walk, take the bus or learn to drive. My DS is SEND and has managed perfectly well doing this despite having hip trouble and ASD. She's an adult and she needs to start acting like one.

Unfortunately I’ve lost sight of myself and I know I’m a failure at parenting, my health and mental health went to the dogs after losing both my dh and my mum in quick succession, I have 2 possibly 3 dc with SEN and ADHD myself. Easy to sit and judge me but I’ve been through the mill and it’s very easy to put the boot in when you don’t know circs.

however I’m eager to try and turn things around as you can see from my posts.

@Discombobble i do get what you are saying, but it’s been a nightmare with dd3, having possible SEN and issues with school hasn’t helped. When dh died in the middle of the pandemic, she couldn’t see me for 2 weeks and had to stay with a friend of mine, due to having to self isolate and she couldn’t even see her dad at all until the day he died, she was not allowed to attend my hospital wedding due to their only being 5 people allowed. All this played into her isolating herself from the world and she’s come on leaps and bounds since to what she was.

@independentfriend yes you are spot on with that observation. Dd had some unwanted male attention on the bus on the way home from school a couple of times which did put her off bus travel for a long time, she was 14 at the time.

1 mile away is walking distance...

This is a boundary, a 5 yr old thinks you're a bitch (hopefully they wouldn't know that word but the gist!) if they want a whole pack of biscuits and you say no, an 18 yr old thinks it if you don't drive them around all day - children often think it about parents because they want life their way, its your job to set boundaries anyway and say no! You're not her mate, you're her mum, so sometimes youll upset her with the decisions you make that are for her own good. Teenagers don't get to dictate what you do for them because you're in charge. She needs to learn to catch the bus and go shopping alone, or organise to meet a friend, you're not her PA! She also needs to learn a lesson about caring and appreciating others (you) especially if you have poor health.

She could walk or bicycle if she has access to the bus you’re bonkers
just say nope

Tell her to get a pedal bike she's an adult now if she can't travel a mile alone then tough she doesn't get her nails done or get her vape liquid if she called me a bitch she would also be walking her arse to and from work and her boyfriend would be walking home aswell

Im not putting the boot in, I was using her words not mine. I am 200% on your side here. You must find yourself though- no one could live like this.

You know what you gotta do OP. Rip that bandaid off - it’ll be fine in the end.

It’s ok, I was feeling a bit sensitive when I wrote that. You are correct though I do need to find myself and I am guilty of not putting myself first sometimes. I’ve even cancelled my own hobbies in the past to sort them out and I’ve realised I just can’t do that anymore so I have been going back to a local craft group every wed and I’ve gone back to a dance group that I've been on and off at for 13 years (same dance group but different classes dd2 the 17 year old goes too) we’re all working towards a yearly showcase in July on stage and I’m very much enjoying that.

Dear OP,
Sorry to hear you've had such a hard time over the last few years. It sounds like you've been over-compensating while trying to navigate difficult waters. That's not bad parenting. Its completely understandable. But now you've realised that you need to make some changes. It'll probably take some time to rebalance but trust, rather than judge, yourself.

Good luck, I hope you all can start to feel better soon.