To not run my 18 year old dd everywhere on her days off

[blackheartsgirl]

Dd doesn’t drive and refuses to catch the bus because she doesn’t like it and has told me it’s too much faff and it’s cold.

town is 1 mile away and there are regular buses. She wants to go to town to get her nails done and to buy vape liquid. She also wants me to walk round town with her because she doesn’t want to go by herself as she’ll get bored ffs and she wants a lift back.

I’ve got some health issues and I’m also off sick due to this. ( I do a heavy physical job) I hate town myself anyway.

i also run her boyfriend home, as he lives 5 miles away and no buses at night,

I am quite happy to take her to doctors appointments, and I take her to and from work every day, at 7 am and 5 pm. She does pay petrol and is learning to drive.

I also take dd3 14 to school, and run her about too.

no dh or any other support.

shes thinks I’m massively unreasonable, a bitch, I don’t care about her etc but I’m tired tbh and stressed. On Saturdays I spend my entire day in the car running about doing lifts for sporting activities for them both, sometimes travelling 30 to 40 miles away.

aibu to say no?

At 18 your daughter is perfectly capable of walking a mile into town, if the bus is too much hard ship 🙄 Being called a bitch, would be my cue to stop giving her lifts. There's no excuse for her attitude and lack of respect. As for talking her boyfriend home, why aren't his parents picking him up or at least taking a turn? If he needs to leave earlier due to the bus timetable, then he needs to leave earlier. It's not your responsibility to make sure he gets home, that's on him and his parents. Your daughter is legally an adult, but is behaving like a petulant child, who is throwing her toys out of her pram because she can't have her own way. At 18, that's ridiculous!! Time to start making her take responsibility for herself!!

Is she disabled? There is zero reason a healthy 18yo can't walk a mile. Ffs my 5yo walks that.

Parenting is about setting them up for a successful future. You need to massively step back and let her learn / fail / learn again.

or perhaps, at 18, earning, she could buy her own coat and umbrella.

So does my 5 year old. It's really not far if she hasn't got health issues.

I used to walk 4 miles to the city, to go to work of a morning, and I didn’t die of the cold or the faff. If I had called my mother a bitch, I’d not have seen my next birthday, let alone got a lift anywhere. If I didn’t walk, I cycled. The bus didn’t start early enough for me to take it to work. I started this at 16 so a little younger than your DD.
18 is quite old enough to walk a mile without adult supervision. You are not unreasonable to not want to take her.

I was thinking a pre birthday gift, this girl isn't buying it 😂

OP why are you driving sometimes 40 miles away? is there a coach minibus or liftshare? what if you didn’t drive? 40 miles? is this real?

One of my DC can get into their city centre that is a mile away from their flat, and they are in a wheelchair.

My DC did get a bit mouthy with me when they were 7, it got 'I am your mother and you don't get to talk to me like that, you don't get to talk to anyone like that, we are going home right now and you can sit in your rooms for the next hour or so because I don't even want to look at you'. I don't know if something similar would work on an 18 year old but it might be worth a try.

I'd be embarrassed at 18 to be so dependent on a parent. Mine didn't drive so there were no lifts, ever. Not an option. Public transport or I paid for a taxi out of my wages or I didn't go.

She needs a dose of reality, and that adults don't want to give lifts to other adults who disrespect and talk down to them.

I’m a soft touch I think because I feel guilty about being a single mum and because we’ve all had such an horrendous time the last 4 years, dh died in 2021 then lost my mum 15 months ago and it has negatively impacted us all and I think I’ve felt that I’ve had to do all the lifts because they’ve both been so anxious in the past and I didn’t want them missing out and it’s turned into laziness and entitlement on their part.

I will carry on taking dd to work as there are no buses that early in the morning and it’s not safe to walk either as it involves walking through a steep remote wooded valley in the opposite direction to town, she does give me petrol money for this. Dd3 does really get anxious on the school bus in the morning so I don’t mind that either..she is struggling at school and I can’t get out of the sport things either.

the rest though..yes I am a mug, and everything your are saying is true, I need to stop, it’s really getting to me. I can’t relax in the evenings or in the day if she’s home, both of them even pester to take me to the shop 5 minutes up the road and I can’t believe I’m saying this but I used to do it.

I have knocked that in the head.. dd wanted beans for her jacket potato last week, forgot to get some, she whinged and whinged about me taking her to the shop to get some, she didn’t speak to me all evening because I stood my ground and refused.. she had to have spaghetti hoops instead..she’s bloody 18!

I heard that in my mum’s voice ha ha (who incdentally never walked anywhere) 🙄

I was about to originally say that it's a nice opportunity to do some fun bonding but then I saw:

1. You give her lifts twice a day

2. she called you a bitch

Yeah.... that would be a big fat NO!

If all else fails, install a meter in your car. Charge as a taxi would.

Stop doing all of it! Why are you taking an adult to their job every day?

Yeah, this.

Get her a bike. If she's calling you names, she can sing.

I too had to get the bus everywhere. I've now moved and tend to walk the mile into town. The only time I ask for lifts is to the hospital and back again and I do get a lift if I'm visiting my parents.

Suggest she gets a bike instead?

1 mile 😳🤣

I’m often astounded at how little some people are prepared to walk. A friend recently said she thought something was on locally but then found out it was a 15 min walk so she didn’t bother 🤦‍♀️

The time to deal with this was 2,3,4,5 years ago when she was an impressionable girl. Why do people put up with such attitudes. You are not there to be her servant or mums taxi. You are definitely not there to be her boyfriends taxi.

There is a lot to be said about having an easy life and not having confrontation but this is what people are gearing themselves up for in the future. An 18 year old young adult who treats her mum like shit

Calling you a bitch and stonewalling you is vile behaviour from the woman. Don't allow this.
Inform her that the lifts are not happening, as of today. Then when she bullies you, tell her she can work out her own transport. Don't engage.
When she calls you misogynistic names, tell her that her morning drive to work is now cancelled.
She can pay for a taxi.
Her demands are nothing to do with you.

One mile?? Honestly she's so lazy. At that age I was walking miles every day and it did me good! Tell her how dangerous it is to have a sedentary lifestyle. I hate the way grown-up kids are driven everywhere these days. My friends and I walked everywhere.

Not only would I not take her on my day off, I would certainly not be taking her to and from work. She can get the bus, like everyone else. Stop spoiling her, OP - she sounds pathetic.

DD has lots of lovely choices. She can walk (it's only a mile!), she can cycle, she can catch the bus, she can learn to drive, or she can stay at home. I've no idea why you've become the boyfriend's free chauffeur service, either. He too can walk / cycle / bus / lump it.

OP lifts are for people who are going that way anyway, you are drivng your children.

I’m sorry for you with your losses and all you have endured.
I think we are going to bully you into resting then have a rethink about howyour life/lives can bestreamlined.
This is why some countries or cultures have a proscribed period of mourning,
so that when this ends, life resumes.
With two losses, this period became protracted, no wonder you are sad.

Your daughter is a big girl now, working, getting nails done, boyfriend, -
when it suits her

Last line made me laugh, what a diva ha ha, couldn‘t have wanted beans That badly.
As has been pointed out here,walking is good for the female fgure it tightens up our abdominal muscles, essential after salt butter and spaghetti hoops! or beans.

Keep posting for support and unfettered opinion, it’s what we excel at here

Be kind to yourself, OP. You've had a horrendous time and you're grieving. You're trying to be a good parent and care for your children, you've kept going becasue you had to, for their sake, but they are old enough to understand that you need caring for too. They have lost their father and their grandmother, but you have lost your partner and your mother. That's terrible for you and so hard to deal with. You need care as well.