To not run my 18 year old dd everywhere on her days off

[blackheartsgirl]

Dd doesn’t drive and refuses to catch the bus because she doesn’t like it and has told me it’s too much faff and it’s cold.

town is 1 mile away and there are regular buses. She wants to go to town to get her nails done and to buy vape liquid. She also wants me to walk round town with her because she doesn’t want to go by herself as she’ll get bored ffs and she wants a lift back.

I’ve got some health issues and I’m also off sick due to this. ( I do a heavy physical job) I hate town myself anyway.

i also run her boyfriend home, as he lives 5 miles away and no buses at night,

I am quite happy to take her to doctors appointments, and I take her to and from work every day, at 7 am and 5 pm. She does pay petrol and is learning to drive.

I also take dd3 14 to school, and run her about too.

no dh or any other support.

shes thinks I’m massively unreasonable, a bitch, I don’t care about her etc but I’m tired tbh and stressed. On Saturdays I spend my entire day in the car running about doing lifts for sporting activities for them both, sometimes travelling 30 to 40 miles away.

aibu to say no?

Life skills are thought much younger. But they all have to start somewhere. How will they ever learn to be independent if they can't manage school run at 14 or respectively walk 1 mile (10 minutes walk) to town...

Yes, be strong, say no and don't let them emotionally blackmail you.
It's in their best interest they learn to be independent..

I think alot of people here forget that rural public transport isn't easy. My dc have walked to school- just under a mile - and back everyday since they were 4, by themselves since they were about 11. Now we are looking at sixth form and realise it is either a 90 bus - most with a change - so probably £12 a day in bus fare once the cap increases - or I take her and pick her up... at 16...

I think you need to look at the routes but also look at the impacts on you and your health. Yes dd2 needs to get to school, but no dd1 doesn't need taking 5 mins away to the shop for a tin of beans. She needs to get home safe - but you are definitely not the boyfriend's chauffer! Maybe a cut off time after which the pjs are on and wine is open? And if they want trailing around on a saturday they need to give you at least 1 day off the driving. It's just a balance but your health needs to feature in that - it is not all about them. Oh and the name calling... that's not on. It sounds like you've all been through enough without her turning disrespectful and I'd remind her of that!

I suspect once she passes her test and realises exactly how expensive these short journeys are she might wake up ... unless she just takes your car which you pay for of course.

People treat us the way we allow them to.

I mean this kindly @blackheartsgirl I’m not at all having a dig. I understand you have done a lot for your kids to overcompensate for the losses you have suffered as a family. And you have just been trying to be a lovely and supportive Mum.

But the minute people (including our own children) start taking the piss out of us, taking us for granted, or worse calling us names…… then it’s time to stop and reassess. And reset boundaries.

You need to have a calm sit down chat with your eldest daughter about what changes you need making. Make it clear what lifts you are willing to do (work and emergencies?) and that she and her boyfriend need to start looking after themselves at all other times. That means walking, bus or taxi.

1 bloody mile to town 😂 my kids walk a mile to school and a mile back every day - and they are 11 a 13! It’s no distance at all.

If you allow her to walk all over you and call you names, she will learn the lesson from you that this is how you behave in life. She will learn to treat all others badly in life - her partner, friends, colleagues, her own kids. She is learning from you that you can take take take from other people, call them names and boss them around. Is this how you want her to go through life treating people?

She can get ACTUAL taxis everywhere then.

If she has to get the bus in the rain and cold more often, hopefully she'll twig eventually that she's not made of sugar.

With the attitude where she is willing to call you a bitch, I’d be giving her no lifts anywhere at all! Tell her she is far too self entitled and that you need to see a sustained change of attitude before she receives any other lifts anywhere from you.

Are you paying for the driving lessons? I think if she passes the test then unfortunately having a driving licence will be a two edged sword, you might not have to drive her everywhere - but then again the chances are you won’t ever see your car again..

what hyperbole? Some roads don't allow pedestrians, the motorway being the most known example if it's easier for you to understand the concept.

They are rare, but they exist. Easier to laugh than acknowledging your ignorance I suppose 😉

No she works full time and pays for her own driving lessons. She’s also saved up and bought herself a little car out of her wages, insured and taxed it herself and her driving instructor takes her out in it sometimes.

theres no way on earth I’m sharing my car with her, my car is my lifeline

That’s good. 🙂

But op seems to think it is doable hence the thread, and the majority of posters say her dd could walk. I understand your comment on motorways, but you alluded to countryside as well. I used to navigate this regularly on my way to and from school, which was why I made the comment.
How are motorways that can't be accessed by pedestrians that you yourself stated are rare, applicable to the op's situation? 😉

@Hollietree it’s fine and I take on board your points, yes they do walk over me, although I have started to kick back with certain things and saying no to others.

Ive said to each of my four dc (my two eldest are 22 and 25) that there is no way I will be paying for things they want once they reach 16 or allowing them to sit around the house all day once they reach 16. So it’s either college or a job or both (can leave school at 16 in wales and get a job)

to be fair the 3 eldest have. My ds works hard at his job (also has kids) dd1 has graduated, moved to Scotland with her partner and is working, dd2 the 18 year old is working, learning to drive etc

just have an issue with rudeness and lifts. And yeah it does need to change

Neurodivergence is strongly familial. My first thought when I read the op was undiagnosed ADHD/Autism

I do actually have diagnosed ADHD. I have been for 10 years. My two eldest are also the same.

you are right!

That's like what? 18 to 20min walk? Gees! Don't take it Mamma, not with that attitude!

Absolutely this!

you wouldn't let an 18 year old cycle a mile along a country road? seriously?

Leaving anyone cycling a mile on a dangerous road? Of course I wouldn't, I am not insane. WHY would you? When cars are regularly involved in fatal accidents, someone on a bike has no chance.

I wouldn't buy a house there in the first place for that exact reason.

Pretty sure every area has their own famous blackspots, who in their right mind would encourage their own kids to cycle there?

This.
Your little Princess can walk.
Stop running the boyfriend around too.

She went on the bus in the end with her sister. Please read all my posts

So she is sporty, but can't walk a mile? Tell the entitled brat to gtfo.

Oh OP I feel for you. You are trying to be a good mum but suffering in the process. I understand as in a similar situation. I drive 1 hour each way to and from work plus more as part of my job. I also take my DC to college and work including return journeys. These trips can be very early and late, it is inconvenient and tiring. Have you counted up the number of hours behind the wheel? People don't realise until you spell it out. I'm hoping my and your DC will pass their driving tests soon. My DC sometimes drives us with L plates to places to get the practise in and give me a break. Perhaps you could try that too?

If she can afford vapes and to get her nails done she can afford a taxi.

Why couldn't 18 year old get a bike?

Most 18 year old girls round here wouldn’t be seen dead on a bike, they have image to maintain and oh the horror if their friends should happen to see them riding a bike 😱.

It’s absolutely ridiculous I know.

however, people drive like maniacs here, a young girl was knocked off her bike and seriously injured recently by a speeding car so I’d be reluctant anyway to let her.