To not run my 18 year old dd everywhere on her days off

[blackheartsgirl]

Dd doesn’t drive and refuses to catch the bus because she doesn’t like it and has told me it’s too much faff and it’s cold.

town is 1 mile away and there are regular buses. She wants to go to town to get her nails done and to buy vape liquid. She also wants me to walk round town with her because she doesn’t want to go by herself as she’ll get bored ffs and she wants a lift back.

I’ve got some health issues and I’m also off sick due to this. ( I do a heavy physical job) I hate town myself anyway.

i also run her boyfriend home, as he lives 5 miles away and no buses at night,

I am quite happy to take her to doctors appointments, and I take her to and from work every day, at 7 am and 5 pm. She does pay petrol and is learning to drive.

I also take dd3 14 to school, and run her about too.

no dh or any other support.

shes thinks I’m massively unreasonable, a bitch, I don’t care about her etc but I’m tired tbh and stressed. On Saturdays I spend my entire day in the car running about doing lifts for sporting activities for them both, sometimes travelling 30 to 40 miles away.

aibu to say no?

Could dd get a taxi to work some days?

Ridiculous. Walk, bike or bus all possible and should be the default.

You might occasionally offer to take her if she is tired or late or it is pouring down with rain, but it certainly shouldn't be the expectation. And she is only going for fun - she doesn't have to be there.

Same here! We have no bus service at all. Nearest bus stop is 4 miles away in another village down country lanes with no path access and that for the occasional bus about three times a day! We don't all live in places with good public transport unfortunately.

I think it's lovely how you've tried to support your daughters, OP, and I see why your DD still needs lifts to school. I think the trouble is, offering help like this long term isn't always the best strategy. What starts off as caring and supportive becomes taken for granted and enables a sense of being hard done by if it's withdrawn. This reduces their ability to be resilient and breeds resentment rather than gratitude. I'd decide exactly what you will and won't do and then be completely consistent about it, even when they try to brow beat you into doing more. That way they hopefully come to know they can rely on you but not exploit you.

And if work is the same distance I would not be driving her to work either, not as a matter of course, just as an occasional favour.

This
Time for some tough love in your home - stop being everyone's doormat shaped chauffeur. Your DD is perfectly able to walk one mile to get her nails done and if the walk back made her feel short of breath she might think twice about the bloody vaping too!
If she were my daughter she would soon find out how unreasonable I could be!

Either say no or start charging her for each trip. Where is she getting the money to vape?

Start by dropping her off but she makes her own way home.

The sporting events - can you not carpool with others in the team/ squad?

And the BF is taking the piss.

Hand him his coat half an hour before the last bus leaves. Or make it clear he owes you a tenner for every round trip.

14 year old gets a pass. 18 year old can take a running jump. She's bullying you by giving you the silent treatment, that's disgusting and calling you a bitch is absolutely appalling. How does she dare?! Stop cold turkey, OP, she can learn to love walking. A mile is no distance, dear me.

Quite honestly, the day anyone called me a bitch would be the last day I lifted a finger for them.

(With the exception of one particular finger).

She could get a bicycle, moped, electric scooter... So many options that don't require a license or a parent! How on earth is she ever going to be an independent adult?

I'm 20 years older than her but the moment I turned 16 I got a moped (no buses, v rural), and never had to ask my parents for a lift again.

All these threads recently about 18 -21 year old adult children being babied shocks me.

I would be more worried about vaping than lifts.

A MILE? That’s a 20 minute walk! I walked the three miles into town and three miles back from the age of 14.

She works full time, as said in my op. What she spends her money is not my business.

she also pays me petrol for the journeys to and from work

Did she say you are a bitch?

She'd be getting no further lifts I'm afraid if she did.

Nevertheless, walking a mile to town then back is good exercise.

Aw it’s fine but thank you for supporting me, it’s Aibu so I did expect some sharp replies 😂

the only thing that does wind me up is those posters not reading my posts properly, and jumping to conclusions but that’s par for the course with mumsnet I suppose.

i have enabled the 18 year old but it was done from a place of guilt and love especially as we’ve dealt with so much loss lately.

there are other issues within the house and I am getting support from my gp, psychiatrist and TAC for dd14 issues, she’s also waiting for an assessment for asd/adhd too.

I understand your concerns for your dds as they have been through a lot but you need to look after yourself too. You are a busy single mum who is doing her very best. I know what it's like to be running after DCs. We are a bit rural so I often need to give lifts if my DCs need to get somewhere not on the bus route. It's tiring but I can share with dh.

It's a mile, let her walk! Good lord.

Thank you. Yes I do and you are right, I need to look after myself, that’s a lot of the reason why I’ve been so ill, with stress myself.

update. Both my dds have gone to town with each other. On the bus. I refused, breezily to take them and pick them up. I’ve run myself a nice hot bubble bath and will read a book. Feels great 👍

Having read your updates & the loss in your family life my thoughts are your dd is a good candidate for counselling. There is a natural & understandable neediness on her part coupled with embedded anger. My first port of call would be to persuade her to see her GP with view to counselling. You have done nothing wrong OP other than do your best in a difficult situation. It's time to reflect & do what's required to get your own freedom back at least when that is possible.

Sheer bone idleness, many schools here in Scotland do the Daily mile, children out in all weather walking a mile, every single day. If a 4 year old can do it then OP needs to let her 18 year old doing it.
Aren't we lucky we didn't have parents that babied us and told is to use Shanksy pony.

Does she have a broke leg? No? She can get steppin!

She is sure walking all over you, OP.

You are her parent, not her chauffeur and entertainment and flunkey. She can take the bus. And stop driving her boyfriend to and fro. You're enabling dependence and bad behaviour.

Is there any chance you could move?

I am not being sarcastic, I found that living in the middle of nowhere becomes a nightmare once they start secondary school and they are old enough to go everywhere alone. Living in or close to the city centre with good public transport or everything walkable distance is life changing.

It's only when you have young kids and no longer go out as much yourself that you start enjoying the countryside again 😂

I do realise it's not an easy solution, but have you considered it?

surely it depends where that mile is?

My kids walk a lot more than a mile to school from primary school, but they have safe pavements, street lights and friends on the way.

I wouldn't leave them walk 50 meters on the country road next to their friends house, with literally no visibility, no pavement, neither would I allow them on bike there.