My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

You need to go home for a few days and clear you head. And then make your plans for you and the baby. I am so sorry it will be stressful whilst pregnant.

@Newmum770 Gambling is an addiction like any other. Really tough to get out but ressources online where he can find help. I hope he does but being a child of a gambling father (which caused the divorce btw my parents) I'm not very optimistic. First step is for him to be 100% transparent about his debt. Then come up with a plan on how to repay debt while making sure not to get into more. He needs to talk to someone about this but he needs to be 100% open with debts and current spending for you to believe that he wants to stop gambling.

@Newmum770

Help for a partner who gambles? There is no 'help' you can give. As with any addiction he has to want help and get it for himself and on his own. If he wants help there is Gamblers Anonymous.

This is from AA but it applies:

You didn't cause this
You can't control this
You can't cure this

@Newmum770 It is a huge burden to continue carrying, he has made a fool of you constantly lying.

Walk away.

No a gambler will never change. Certainly not if he doesn’t even have a problem with it snd even, tragically, if he doesn’t. Its a very serious addiction and the UK is in a major crisis over it.

With the best will in the world you can not rehabilitate this man. Just cut your losses. Move home, have your baby, and cut him out of your life as a romantic partner. You deserve better than this liar, user, and incompetent man. You and your child deserve love and care from responsible adults. Maybe you can’t get that with him but if you leave you have time and space to give that to your child. He can learn he has one reliable, main parent and, long term, perhaps a loving stepfather. Because this poor dc’s biological father is going to go down the tubes eventually.

100% this

So sorry OP and sending you virtual hugs. Thank God you’ve found out now and not months / years down the line. Whatever you chose to do, you will be fine x

I have no experience with dealing with a gambling problem but he mentioned debt charities?

If he was telling the truth and not just trying to fob you off so you’d stop questioning him then I would assume if it has got to that point then it’s likely he has (or will soon get some) missed payment markers, defaults and maybe even CCJs. This will obviously have a big impact on you should you stay together, as a house (ownership or even rental) will not be doable with his name anywhere near any applications.

You're probably very shocked and stressed right now but it’s something you should consider, just because of your earlier comments about your baby and where you would want to live.

You are in a good place financially, you can do this on your own. Whatever you decide please don’t let him take you down with him.

I actually do not know what to do, I’m so stressed out.

It’s definitely debts as I’ve made him show me his bank statement and in the space of 3-dec - 16-dec over £600 has gone on bets.

He lies, hides things, makes you pay for well more than your fair share proportionally, including expenses for his daughter, and only now do you find out he's got a gambling problem, too?

And it is a problem.

Why on earth are you not packing your things instead of looking for the needle in a haystack reason to stay? He will drag you down with him.

Advice is pack a bag and get the hell out of there.

A gambler🙄and a liar with debts.
He will put you and your child into the gutter whilst you pay for everything including both his children.

He has deliberately misled you.
He is scum.

Pack a bag if you have an ounce of sense.

Its over.

I’m heartbroken I’ve got myself into this mess if I’m honest.

No way on gods planet would I have chosen to have a baby with someone with a gambling addiction.

I am well and truly heartbroken so I haven’t packed my bag because I’m numb

Oh I’m so sorry OP. Pack a bag and get out of there for a few days. Don’t even consider coming back unless he’ll be fully transparent and give you full control of the finances indefinitely. What a shame.

He’s told me to have full control over his wages and incoming, that he will send them to me each month
but I just can’t be certain he’s not going to run up debt elsewhere

I know.
He deliberately lied.
He thinks you are caught.
Tell family the truth.
This type of addiction thrives in secrecy.
This is his shame, not yours.
You have tried to be a decent person.

Gamblers are liars to their core and they only drag people down.

Your baby needs you to be strong for it.
You don't owe anyone rlse anything.

Go to your parents with a bag, as much as you can grab.
Cease paying ANYTHING towards that house.

I am so sorry but it is over if you have an ounce of self preservation.
Give your baby its best start.

He really isn't it.
Keep posting.
We are here for you.

@Newmum770 I'm so sorry- I mentioned earlier that vast amounts of unaccounted income in my experience is usually gambling , crypto type speculating or sex related stuff- or debt from before relationship that had never been discussed or admitted. anything like drugs or excessive booze tends to be more obvious

If you want to work through it and see how it goes I would insist on seeing all his statements going back 6 months to get full picture and a credit check - you can google how to do that -

I am sorry you have discovered this. How much does he want to change his ways? The fact he is embarrassed and still hiding paper work is worrying and that he does not want to face up to the realities. I think he needs support, gamblers anonymous maybe?
I agree with the comments to give yourself some headspace and move back in with your family for a few days.

I'm sorry OP, it explains why he has never got any money.

Whatever you do now will set a precedent going forward as to what he can get away with.. you need a bit of time to really think about what you want to do here, if he is still trying to hide and mislead then he will never change, and you will need to accept that he will never be the person you need him to be.

No one would blame you for walking away, he's purposely misled you and kept this secret, he will now promise the earth to get you to stay and carry on as before, but now is the time, if you are even thinking about staying you need him to be completely and 100% transparent and he needs to want to stop, nothing other than full disclosure will do here, you need every last piece of information you can get to be able to make a decision and if he isn't prepared to give it then you may as well just leave now rather than spend you life with someone you can't trust.

POSITIVE STORY!

I have a friend who is a RECOVERED gambling addict. He lost his marriage over it and was truly remorseful about the pain he caused.

Your partner wants to change. He has agreed to full transparency and to giving you control of his salary. He has also been honest which can ve huge for an addict.

If you do choose to work on the relationship, I would suggest having his credit report emailed to you monthly. This will let you know if he takes on any new debt.

You are correct that you’ll never trust he won’t run debt up elsewhere, he will continue until he has literally nothing left.

Having control of all finances could be a tool in his recovery but he’d have to do a lot for himself first. The fact he still won’t show you everything is quite telling.

I agree with pp, pack yourself a bag (tomorrow is fine, you aren’t in any danger as you would be with someone violent) Tell him you need some time at your parents to think things through. You need to decide if you want a life of not fully trusting him, being caretaker of all things financial & accept there’ll be huge rows with him accusing you of being a control freak when his need to gamble takes over.

Does he accept he has a problem? Does he accept he can’t control it himself? Will he contact gamblers anonymous?
If he thinks he can control it himself, then he’s kidding himself & you don’t want to put yourself through that whilst pregnant.

Taking care of yourself whilst pregnant is most important. Go to your parents, let them look after you & get saving some money for both of you, as you can’t rely on him for any money. Let yourself grieve for the partner you thought you had & accept you don’t have him anymore. You can decide if you want the man he actually is in your life later.

good luck OP. Be kind to yourself. 💐

But is this something you want to do? Like basically acting like a mum for him? My mum did this with my dad; all income into her account on payday. Well, guess what he still found ways to borrow from acquantances and loan sharks and begged her for money because he was afraid of getting into trouble with some dodgy people. That was it for my mum. She told him to leave. Years and years after he had a narrative about her just being interested in money. Yeah, to feed her 3 kids! All while working ft and doing everything else for us kids.

This is HIS problem to work out. Don't let him make it your problem because you will become co dependant as my mum was. It took her a year (with a therapist's help) to claim cms because she felt so sorry for him! They brought home equal salaries just that he gambled and she got us coats etc while rarely buying anything for herself (only in charity shops when she really needed clothing). Be very very careful OP, they (addicts) are so manipulative.

But OP's partner has NOT been transparent. He refuses to say how much debt he has.

Now is the time to cut your losses and move on. He has hidden finances, lied to you and not looked after his unborn child and his partner (you). Lied repeatedly and for years. He also has a gambling problem. Nothing good will come out of this so get out and focus on your baby. Let him deal with his own mess.

I daresay you can be sure he will. And do you really want to spend the rest of your life having to make sure he isn't gambling? Having to poke and prod into everything and him fighting you every step of the way? Having to worry about him getting credit cards or loans you know nothing about and, God forbid, also doing so in your name or the name of your child? I wouldn't. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

The father of a friend of DH's (I'll call him 'Bob') developed a gambling habit in his later years. It started off small and then ballooned. Bob and his wife 'Sue' went from a financially secure retirement to having ZERO. He gambled it all away and forged her signature on a mortgage on their then mortgage free home. 'Sue' had no idea until she ran across a letter about an overdrawn bank account. They didn't have separate finances, but she had 'trusted' him all their lives to manage their money. After some digging she found out his debts were enormous and that he owed money to some shady characters. Bob begged her to say nothing assuring Sue that he'd 'win it all back'. She told their adult kids who, after legal consultation, basically forced her to file for a divorce for her own financial safety. All along Bob kept begging her not to 'do anything' because he just needed one 'lucky day'. In the divorce he accepted all liability for his gambling debt but they had to sell a business property so the new mortgage could be cleared. He signed the house over to her. They remained together (old and married over 50 years) but the house was in her name and they had separate bank accounts. Did he quit gambling after having to sign away everything he worked for and being shamed and disgraced in front of his children and grandchildren? Did he fuck! Bob kept gambling, but at least Sue had a secure home and her own retirement income, supplemented by her children.

Gambling ruins lives in ways that alcohol and drugs don't. It brings financial ruin in ways that alcohol and drugs don't.

Listen, is there somewhere you can go for a week or so? To a friend or to family where you can be in a supportive environment to think things through? You need to be away from him to make your decisions and your plans.

Oh Lord.
That's shocking.
No wonder the man doesn't spend his own money on his DD, never mind the baby which is on the way.

I'm so sorry, OP.

You need to pull the plaster off very quickly, and get away.

Get yourself set up alone, elsewhere, in preparation for the birth of your baby. Get ready to be a single parent.

I have a lot of experience with addiction. The addict always puts their dependence/substance first. That is their priority, regardless of any other supposed obligations or responsibilities. Even their children.

The fact that you said that when you were first considering moving in, you 'asked for a financial breakdown of the outgoings and it was always brushed under the carpet', leads me to think that your partner is not easy to talk money with OP. This might have been OK when it was just the two of you (and DSD), but now that you are having a baby together, you need to be able to talk about anything and EVERYTHING, without either of you making the conversation difficult. Money is all too often the thing that causes difficulties in a relationship, and I can never understand why people would get together without having a full and frank discussion on how you both feel about money, ie, if one is a saver and one a spender, how will you deal with it to make things fair?

As a matter of interest OP, does your partner have a credit card, if so, why not ask him to get a second one on the account in your name, and agree that you will only use it if it's necessary for your to buy anything for DSD. That way, you can take her shopping if necessary, and put the items on the credit card, so that he pays for her stuff when the bill comes in.