My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

As a matter of interest OP, does your partner have a credit card, if so, why not ask him to get a second one on the account in your name, and agree that you will only use it if it's necessary for your to buy anything for DSD. That way, you can take her shopping if necessary, and put the items on the credit card, so that he pays for her stuff when the bill comes in.

RTFT. The man is an addicted gambler.
The OP needs to get away.

I need to speak to someone about this either friends or family but I don’t know what to do.

I was thinking of contacting either his mum or dad but I have no idea what the best thing to do is

Sorry I am reading when I can, I’m just trying to get my head straight

I'm not surprised you're feeling poleaxed. It's a lot to absorb.

Oh gosh Op !

Please please get away from him
He has a cheek saying he will give you control of his wages.
It won't work , he needs to get professional help

It will end up with you taking responsibility and he becomes nastier and nastier as he resents you.
He will beg, borrow and steal to fund his addiction and you will be dragged down.

Deep breaths, close the Monzo account and remove any other stuff you both have access to.
Change all passwords/pins if you think he knows them
Get Experian/ Credit score checks and run it to check he's not borrowing in your name.
Experian you can lock it so that no one can take stuff out in your name .
Go back to your parents and leave him
He will beg, be better blah blah but put yourself and your baby first
He had the chances to put you first and didn't
Gambling comes first , its always the same

Is your mum nearby? Could you ring or go round?

I thought I could change a gambler. I took control of his wages. I paid all bills and rent. I sorted everything financial.

His addictive personality just filled the gambling void with something else.

I carried the emotional and mental load of sorting everything out financially and the hyper vigilance of watching to see for old (and then new) habits.

Please, please just leave. I promise he will ruin your life.

I don't say this lightly.... I regret my own choices so deeply.

This bears repeating.

Dear OP just get to a minimum safe distance as soon as you can. You are a vulnerable, pregnant woman who has just had a bomb detonated near her (essentially) and your ears are ringing and you are dazed and confused.

You feel like you need to talk to someone—like his parents—but that is just the confusion talking. I can assure you that they know he is gambling—that is why the family is subsidizing his housing because they don’t want him to be homeless or couch surfing with them. Of course they see you as having a stabilizing egfect on their wayward lad. But you weren’t put on this earth to give this bad boy his walks and treats and pay his vet bills while he chases the sheep and rolls in shit. He is their dog not yours.

Pack a bag and leave. If he wants to fight fir you and the relationship he will go to a gambling group and work out a plan of action. He will get himself under control and stop taking handouts from family and start taking responsibility for his two children and gf. He won’t do all that, of course—but he can. So walk away until he proves himself. You lose nothing that is yours with this approach. He is either capable right now of self reform or he isn’t. Give him a cause to fight for and leave.

I agree that it's absolutely pointless, your talking to his parents.
They already know that their son is a gambling addict.
They'll view you as a stabilising influence on him, and they'll be very upset if they discover that you intend to move out and abandon him.

They will try to persuade you to stay.
They will not be on your side - or the baby's.

You need to get away @Newmum770

I realise that this has been a terrible shock to you but you need to get disentangled from him.

You especially need to make sure that your finances are immediately separated from his.

Check that he hasn't taken out any loans or credit cards in your name, as a matter of urgency.

It's up to you what your next steps are but I would give him this and tell him to sort his life out for your babies sake.

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/talk/?gad_source=1

https://gamblersanonymous.org.uk/

So he wants you to play mummy to him with his wsges.
So you will have 3 children to look after.
He takes responsibility for fxxk all.
He won't even give you the full figure.

It could be in the tens of thousands.

Is this the life you want?
3 children, doing and paying for it all while this loser lets you.

As for the positive gambling story.
Don't make me laugh.
For every positive one there are dozens and dozens of absolute horror stories.

I know up close as my friends sister found out her husband gambled their entire pension fund of 100's 100's of thousands over 25 years.

She has a teaching pension. That is the only reason she has anything.
They had to sell their magnificent home.
She is in a tiny 2 bed, but she has her pension. She's one of the lucky ones.

She never knew. He had a well paid job.
Her entire fine inheritance was invested in their beautiful home that was sold to clear all the morgages and loans he had. She got the price of a tiny apartment.

I wouldn't ever trust a gambler.

No, Love. You don't need to talk to his mum or dad. It's in their vested interest to keep you where you are. Because chances are they know a bit about his history with money and that if you aren't there to 'cover him' he'll land up on their doorstep asking them to bail him out.

You need to talk to someone who will support you. Someone who will have your best interests at heart and who will help you sort things in your head and come up with the best outcome for you and your baby. But TBH, I think you already know what that is.

I get that this is agonizing. You had a dream and a plan for your life and now it's falling to pieces. But there can be new plans and even better dreams for you. But you have to let go of the broken ones before you can embrace the new ones.

I genuinely really appreciate everyone’s advice and concern, emotionally and mentally I am not in a very good space at the moment. So I’m struggling with thinking straight.

I have asked him to speak to his parents as right now I’m not in a position to support him in any form. I messaged his father myself as I wanted to make sure he does speak to them. He’s hurt me incredibly but I also can understand such events also with looming debt will not leave him in a great mental place if he genuinely is remorseful and as angry and upset as I am I wouldn’t want him to do anything stupid if he couldn’t speak to anyone else.

I have my 20 week scan today which we will both go to, but after that I’m packing a bag and going to my parents to get the much needed hug I need.

And just an update - no credits been taken out my name. I’m hot on my Experian credit report each month so that would always flag

Just be aware that threats of this nature are a manipulation tactic Op

This man doesnt sound like a good long tern prospect

He’s not made any threats
I just worry a lot for other people and wouldn’t have been able to sleep at night knowing he didn’t have anyone to talk to

OP I'm so sorry. When I mentioned gambling it was only as a possibility.

Please focus on the support you need and what you want. Is keeping the baby still a viable option now? This will link you to him forever basically. Please get advice and support for your options and sever any financial ties, names on bills etc

I think being in this situation and involved with this man was a mistake - but a baby is on the way so you have to deal. It sounds like you both need to sit down and have a long talk about expectations around finances. I don’t think you should be covering his child but he clearly disagrees. Also him claiming not to have money to help with the baby on the way but having money for the one here is odd.

A difficult conversation is needed.

Any hint of a threat tell his parents.
Call the police and tell them.

This loser is not your problem.

You will ruin your life further and that of your unborn child if you take him on as some fxxking project for you to fix.

You will ruin your childs life if you put him first.

He doesn't need to go to any sczn. Don't kid yourself.

He's a gambler.
All he cares about is his next bet.

Pack the bag and get the hell out of there.
No more paying bills.

He knew EXACTLY what he was doing sucking you in to pay for so much.
Don't kid yourself.

At least you have a few months to get organised and move away.
It would be so much worse for you if you were a few weeks away.

He is the enemy.
You are pregnant now and cannot move on quickly.
He has rightly screwed you over.
Get that baby away from that loser and focus 100% on your future and that of your child.

You need to take off your love goggles and get hard hearted real quick.
You need to be ruthless.

Any weakness will be used and exploited by him.
You are an ATM to him, thats all.

He will drive you into the gutter if you allow it.
Save yourself and your baby and get away from him.

Because you love him, when you calm down you will want to stay and help him.
Please fight this urge, as you can't help him.

Don't take his offer of controlling his accounts. That will go well for a time until you either catch him lying again or he massively resents you for controlling him financially and changes his mind about you being in charge so he can continue his ways.

He has an addiction. This will NOT improve when the baby arrives. Increased stress increases the risk of him gambling large amounts. The first few years of raising a baby has many opportunities for increased stress.

If you dont feel ready to end the relationship yet that is OK. But you should definitely move out, focus all of your attention on your baby, and give him space to seek help with and gain some control over his addiction before you go any further as a family. If you stay, he will get the message that on some level you are OK with this.

He needs therapy. Did he tell you how long he has had this problem?

Thinking of you OP, you’re doing all the right things. Hope you have a wonderful scan today.

I really do understand everyone’s so fiercely defending me but I am well aware of the huge mistake I have made with this relationship and I feel so guilty for putting my unborn child in this position too.

My whole world has been flipped upside down overnight. It’s a lot to take in and is causing a huge amount of stress so please try to be as kind as possible, I know nothing is meant with any malice and just through utter shock at what’s unravelled ♥️ I just feel very fragile.

I’m 4 months away from having a child, and wondering how on earth I’m going to do this alone. It’s not what I signed up for and definitely not how I saw my life panning out.
But we are here, and I have to face the consequences of some massive oversights I’ve made.

Again I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has offered their support and guidance.
xxx