My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

OP are you married?

I ask because your DH should have explained how much you were expected to contribute towards your DSD pre marriage and you in return have your say.

If you're not married who exactly nominated you to be in anyway financially responsible for a child that your boyfriend and his Ex bought into the world.

Is that why MNHQ deleted your post?

Obviously she is not married

@Moonnstars
thank you - everything you have advised here regarding outgoing and incoming and having visibility with what is going on is something I’ve suggested multiple times with little help.
The first time I wasn’t given the right figure.. AT ALL. But i will try again

its a huge wage and something i know first hand as i know the outgoings I pay (at one point i probably was over doing it on my outgoing payments but I still had loads left over)
there are months I’ve had to pay £500 towards things on top of my bills and STILL had loads left over

Yes I’ve always taken it as a compliment but it’s he clothes spending etc is taking the mick a bit at the moment. I think DC has always been very used to me having a large disposable income, and probably has been spoilt (in hindsight) but my priorities and disposable income have now changed.

This. A million times over. Bravo!

Total financial transparency is needed, or the relationship os doomed...

@Trumptonagain nope not married
Well i agree these are my thoughts on our current relationship. Married - I may have completely different views on what our split looks like
Currently i do not have a dependent, and DP DD has two parents who are contributing to her outgoings to the agreement they have made

@Hwi I’ve never said I don’t want DC1? I do my fair share of looking after DSD but should I have to financially contribute so much when I don’t have a contribution (of even £10) for my DP DC2…. No

Really? Because I’ve had a lot of really helpful advice or guidance from a lot of people who were able to engage in the full conversation and questions asked by myself.

FFS, cut your losses and move back to where you were living before, with family!

*Dear lord

I’m asking whether this pretty appalling partner uses this information against the op*

@Bestthriller you're itching to trip the OP up on something.

Obviously he doesn't use the information against her, he doesn't know.

At least own your agenda.

I think I'm reading a different thread to other people
Op pays a figure plus the food shopping which they agreed on
He has undisclosed amounts of debt
She is paying for stuff for DSD as he is always broke and has not contributed a single PENNY towards things for the new baby .
And people are saying awwww bekind
WTAF!!
He's using you Op, it will just get worse !

Yes! This! 100%

Please please don't blend your finances with him Op
He will drag you down and get you into debt,ruin your credit rating and your life

He's a walking 🚩

Currently i do not have a dependent

Not saying you shouldn't buy your DP's DD a few clothes or have a day out but it should be of your choosing as to how much and when, it's not something that should be expected of you.

Granted, you don't have a dependent yet but it won't be long before you do and a majority of your money, once all the bills have been paid should be spent on your's and your own DC needs first.

Will your DP's ex be spending out for your DC?

Put a stop/cut back on spending so much... your DP and his Ex will have to find another way of funding their DD's life style.

I've read through all of your comments Op. What I find sad is that when you talk about your baby it's very clear that the responsibility for their care and costs will be all yours. You talk about you will have support from people, you will use your savings pot to get through maternity leave, you are buying the things you need when your baby arrives... I don't think I've seen you one talk about what 'we' will be doing to support the family when the baby arrives.

Yes, you've set up a bit of a financial arrangement, but you had to take responsibility for doing that and push him to take part. You're also taking far too much responsibility for sorting out his sad financial situation, while he just sits back and lets you.

I see no partnership here, and really feel for you having been in a similar situation in the past.
I say again - stop spending money on his daughter, save it for your new baby.

@Newmum770 I wouldn't be suprised if 15 year old DSD is having you both on re clothes- basically playing on dad's nature. Teens aren't always known for their honesty and yet many want new stuff constantly

I appreciate many on here think kids can do no wrong, are never manipulative and should get everything they ask for at all times.

@Glassofeau I may have read wrong but believe she said 15

@Newmum770

I have been upfront with what me and DSD are up to, he’s well within his right to say no or say can you keep the cost down but he hasn’t as he’s frivolously happy to spend my money and not consider paying anything towards it.

Of course he's happy for you to spend your money. What would really piss me off even more is that he feels he's entitled to have you spend your money whilst he does whatever with his.

What I'm saying though is get the costs up front or don't do whatever it is you were planning to get up to unless you accept that you're paying for it yourself. And that goes for the new baby as well as DSD. Don't wait for him to complain or ask to keep the costs down, because again, by saying 'we are doing' or 'I am going to buy' and him not specifically objecting he's saying 'this is all on you'. His attitude is that unless you specifically say "This is what it will cost YOU so pony up" then he can go his merry way. You see where I'm coming from? He's never going to volunteer to give you money. Do you really want to live with that?

As far as buying a house together, I'd be very cautious. I wouldn't put one pence more into a down payment than he did. With or without a legal document setting things out. And you can probably look forward to a lifetime of either paying for everything needed yourself (repairs, updating, decorating, etc) or deferring it whilst you try to get blood out of that turnip. And if things did go belly up, you can bet he'll try to come out ahead on the equity, so you better keep scrupulous records of 'who paid for what' when it comes down to the legal squabbling.

And don't get me started on who he'll think should pay for childcare. Because if he's like a lot of men, he'll think you should pay for it as it 'enables you to work', not realizing that it enables HIM to work too.

I know I sound like a 'doomsayer'. But I think you're being cautiously overly optimistic about his willingness to change or to shoulder more equitable finances.

Well update
I have had a conversation and he’s shown me his debts, but will not provide a bank statement to let me understand what’s going on. Instead said it’s embarrassing and he spends on gambling and shopping (he barely buys anything) so I’m going to guess it’s a large amount of the former…

So as you can imagine I’m heartbroken. But at least I finally got my answers…

If anyone has advice for a partner that gambles please do chime in, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a positive outcome

Newmum770 A debt charity, gambling, hiding bank statements, excessively spending, he is my worst nightmare as a partner.

What a mess, the sooner you leave the better.

I really genuinely in my heart did not think it was gambling, I thought he was just rubbish at keeping track of what he’s been spending

Now I’m much deeper into something I had no idea about and also having a child with someone who I’m not even sure will ever change.

I had hope that because I changed my spending habits, with a bit of help he could too.

but I have absolutely no idea if a gambler can change