My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

@AcrossthePond55
I have been upfront with what me and DSD are up to, he’s well within his right to say no or say can you keep the cost down but he hasn’t as he’s frivolously happy to spend my money and not consider paying anything towards it.
With the baby items I have set up a spreadsheet of what we need and sent EVERY purchase over to him before I’ve bought it. I do agree though that if he can’t pay his contribution then now I will wait, but let’s me honest as it currently looks I’m going to be pretty screwed a month or two before the baby arrives, even more screwed if said baby comes early.

If he refuses, then I am more than happy to part ways knowing I have so much support around me ❤️

As for rent, this is exactly why I have said I want to find a place of our own that is “ours”
I’m not being a position where I’m homeless if he decides to kick me out, or we get into a disagreement.
Us renting a family home is not a shared home in my opinion and your story above proves that to the dot.

@HiptotheHopp @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne

there are some discrepancies sorry I just want to make sure everyone understands correctly what is going on. House mortgage free so nobody is paying for the remaining, the rent is set at an agreed price.

ex is not making him cough up for extra clothes, DSD demands them as she has none. But what’s happening is when she returns to her mothers she’s wearing new clothes and they don’t come back. I’m not necessarily sure this is intentional

Its a thing on MN....Most married couples don't have "my own money" it's shared funds.

Theres currently big financial red flags with your partner.

Has he been completely transparent with regarding his incomings and out goings?

Does he secretly have debts eg credit cards or a secret gambling habit?

If he's struggling to afford bits toward the baby he's expecting with you then it's time for him to pick up extra work whether that be overtime or some additional casual work elsewhere.

@Bestthriller OP's debt is clear, gone, done, in the past.

Sharing it won't make a bit of difference to the situation.

I am sure OP has no issues disclosing her past debt, it most likely hasn't come up, the past is the past.

I have also been in a situation where I had a LOT of debt and you moved back home in order to be able to pay it off.

which did rather give the impression that it was a big debt 🤷

Also regarding the clothes situation;

1.Try to send DSD back in the clothes she came in if possible
2.He needs to stop spending on brand new stuff and look at bundles on vinted;it's so much more economical

I know.

i was asking because i imagine he throws it back at the op in any and every debt discussion

@Bestthriller i never moved back home to pay it off, I move backed home nearly a year after it was paid off. Where are you getting this from?

I missed how long you’d been with this prince Op?

I have also been in a situation where I had a LOT of debt and got myself out of it by not burying my head in the sand. And admitting to myself and others what was really going on.
i moved back in with family members so i could save for a bit after pissing my money down the drain on rent.

so when someone shouts a LOT, I assume it was a big debt. You have clarified it wasn’t.

and given you said about moving back home straight after admitting to yourself you had a debt problem… again I assumed that this was how you dealt with the debt

@Bestthriller
yes I did have a lot of bet maybe you would class it as severe… but I did not do what my DP is doing now

no to clarify, I was explaining I moved home to save as the response from the previous poster was essentially saying I only understand living off my parents. Because I had mentioned before living here I was with parents

How long have you been with him op?

@Bestthriller sorry but you’ve been absolutely no help with any of your responses, so I’m stopping the conversation here. What you have been doing is fishing for more information to attack

@Uberella thank you! I think we can definitely start with that. I’m just thinking the day after she arrives I can wash her arrival clothes, ready for when she is dropped back

shes 15 so it’s harder from a Vinted side as she wants everything new and I would refuse Vinted items

It's not nice to attack people on here.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne i do pity people like this, because it must take doing an awful lot of nothing in their spare time to leave room to be so invested in spending a large proportion of a day continuously spitting hate on a forum.

He's probably put it all on a CC and added to his debt

Dear lord

I’m asking whether this pretty appalling partner uses this information against the op

Op what on earth???! This is directed at me?

ill leave you to it. There’s not one single post of mine that could possibly be described like this 🙄

Absolutely this
He's using you to pay his debts off!
Bin

I can see why you are concerned. There are worrying signs throughout, he is paying rent on a house that is well below market rate (I wonder if family are aware of his debts hence this arrangement). He has debts, but isn't very forthcoming in the extent of these or the amount. He won't share with you his full financial circumstances.
On paper you should have more than enough money earning £6000 between you! As a family we have less than half of that and manage.
He needs to be completely honest about where his money goes.
I definitely wouldn't be buying a house with this man and also I wonder whether the mortgages you might be accepted on would be affected by his debts. I also think it is risky you staying there as if there was any family fall outs there is no formal agreement about you being there.
I agree he does need to consider the new baby items despite what others say and put some money aside for this. I think you need a proper budget of rent, bills, food, phone, subscription services, CMS, etc and include savings for baby (even if only £50 a month). I think he needs a full breakdown of living costs and to then also work out his outgoings to see where it is going so wrong.

I am surprised his teenage daughter wants to go on days out with you at that age, I was expecting a younger kid. Is she trying to guilt you both into buying her lots because you are having a baby and she feels left out?
I would not be buying her new clothes constantly, at that age she should have pocket money (coming from the child maintenance money as that is what it helps contribute for, costs of the child) and any spends she wants needs to come from that. She sounds like she is taking the mic getting you to take her shopping and buy her lots of things.

Why would you wash her clothes?
She's 15
Either she or her dad can wash them?

@Bestthriller
dear me took me a while to sift through everything

All this and you're just weeks in to the pregnancy
depressing

The op is a few weeks in to her pregnancy
and the unborn's parents relationship is like.... this

either way... 4 months pregnant and the parents like this. No hope

what was the big debt for?

What were you buying? How old were you at the time?

I’m still awaiting helpful advice from any of your posts or questions

But have a lovely evening