Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

Loads of posters do exactly that, take against the OP no matter what the topic.

The reaching that's done to somehow find the OP at fault in any way, is absolute ridiculous sometimes.

Also the reading comprehension is often shit.

Tbh, everything described by you... Reminds me of myself 11 years ago. Born and raised in Spain, I came over to the UK, and yes, walking around in the street, people around seemed huge to me in comparison to where I grew up (not just me, anyone that'd come to visit would say exactly the same). I've noticed some people don't look after their skin per se, just put make up on, and men don't groom themselves either, so to what I was used to, people was uglier to me. There's not really British cuisine per se either.
All of the above I've discussed extensively with my husband (born and raised British) and he agrees with some if it (general body health and self care for example). He'd fine very attractive a skinny pale ginger woman, and went to marry an olive skinned brunette! Whereas I'd find a tall, tanned brown haired man with green eyes gorgeous, but then I'd marry the very very very pale blue eyed Scottish ancestral man!
What I mean to say, is yes, it's cultural!
At the beginning my husband would be embarrassed to give me more than a peck in public. And I even started to wonder if he was attracted to me and during the years together, now I've become more British and "cold" when in public and it's him he'd like to be more free, we've found common ground basically.
But in Spain it's completely normal to show affection when you're in love. But for me at the beginning it was a shock?
Now I've lived and worked here for a long time, immersed myself within the British culture, have three beautiful kids, and I understand a lot of the things I didn't then.
I.e. I used to think it was no wonder people was bigger, it takes a lot of will power to ignore a WHOLE chocolate isle and a. WHOLE CRISPS isle, and another one for biscuits. And when you get to the titles and waiting in line, more chocolate bars or unhealthy snacks.
Meal deals are sandwiches crisps chocolates and sugary drinks. And that's considered an ok meal (when it isn't)
And now, guess what? It's me with no will power to not stop at those isles!
When I go and visit family back to Spain, even though I don't deprive myself and enjoy eating things that I don't get to have anymore, I'd loose weight by the end of the 1-2 weeks 😅😱
I've got to say, being colder weather does a lot to that, when before I'd be happy with a salad and some sort of protein, now I'd prefer some pie.
I do hope you've not felt attacked by this message (and none has ) that's not my intention. But just wanted to say, that it could have been me 11 years ago and it's possible is cultural and maturity.
There's one difference I found within the two cultures for example, and I'm unsure whether you'd be able to understand your son's girlfriend better..
In Spain (generally) we'd tell our feelings upfront, and if we need to disagree we disagree.
I hope any of the above is helpful!

@AliciaSoo

please could you describe the daily diet of a Spanish person in Spain? Not being goady or anything, just generally interested and also wondering if I could eat similar

I don’t think the OP is objecting the her son’s girlfriend’s opinions, more that she has the bad manners to be vocal about them to her host and the mother of her boyfriend.

im not from the UK, and I’ve lived in countries all over the world, from very direct ones to extremely indirect ones where saying ‘no’ is impossible and face-saving is all, and slagging off your host’s culture to your host when you’re a newly-arrived guest is rude anywhere.

There is literally no excuse apart from laziness, all you need to do is put some tomatoes, garlic and some onion in a pan along with some dried herbs. If you are mega lazy you can even buy pre-chopped onions and garlic. It isn't even expensive!

I was brought up on English food/cuisine and cook English food a lot so I know it’s there. I lived in Spain for five years in both a cosmopolitan city and a Galician town. The people of both generally couldn’t be more different. The Galicians were much more laid back about grooming and appearance and had a better ability to laugh at themselves. I think the curiosity for me was why (in my experience Southern Europeans) feel it’s ok to be openly rude/ to and about British people. The best I’ve heard ,more than once is that British people don’t have a culture !! Btw my preference is tall blonde men but there is not a chance in hell that I am going to go to Andalusia and say “by god aren’t you all ugly and little and that Chorizo is going to do nothing for your skin and weight”.

I add vegetable stock, make a big pan full, reduce, cool and freeze in batches. So tasty with summer tomatoes.

Breakfast tends to vary depending on people, but mains tend to be a source of protein, veg and fruit, legumes, rice depending which part.
Is the difference in the cooking as well, a lot of pan or roasted rather than fried. Not processed foods.
I think that's the main difference.
When you buy fruit and veg, they last as well, so you don't need to go every 3-4 days to get fresh stuff again. That makes things a lot easier.

I get that, but that's the thing I wanted to bring attention to: in her head she is not being rude. So her boyfriend then probably explained to her that to UK customs, she'd being rude. But if she were to say those sort of things where she comes from, she'd probably be ok.

This! I am Italian, and yes - I do have my opinions on British culture and will inevitably make comparisons with my home country, but any Italian person with a bit of social skills would understand that slagging your host off so brutally is not nice at all. Especially things like "British women are fat and ugly" in front of....British women?? Come ooooon 😂

So it’s just a British sensibility that would take offence to someone saying they are an ugly nation. I don’t think so. I couldn’t say I wasn’t keen on Churros in Spain without somebody telling me what “ would I know, I’m English and every food in England is shit and they had once been to Garfunkels In Leicester Square for fish and chips and it was shit and you should give Gibraltar back “.

But all these things she's saying are true...

@Notmycircusnotmyotter

really??

That’s irrelevant to whether it’s rude for a guest to point it out, though.

They are rude.

The two are not mutually exclusive.

Do we need to say things that are true?
You’re fat
Your cooking’s shit
I hate your outfit
Your nose is big

All these things might be true, should we say them?

Come on, all these people saying ‘it’s true’. Firstly it’s not… British people are not a homogenous, one size fits all bunch. But even if it were true, how rude, how unpleasant, how horrid to say it!!!

@RedSnapdragon I'm with you on the basics or manners and politeness but let's not pretend that averages are a novel concept.

Yes, UK women have a high average BMI (27.1), Italian women have one of Europe's lowest average BMIs (24.5), Japanese women have the lowest average BMI in the developed world (21.7).

So what? I guarantee you that if you look at those societies, their weather, infrastructure, utilisation of public transport and bicycles, popular leisure activities, dining norms, schools and participation in PE, attitudes to feminine beauty, career prospects for women, you would see differences and nuances that may be informative.

The world has diversity - this extends to body mass. Deal with it.

Sigh. This isn’t hard to understand. It’s perfectly possible not to say things that are true, for the sake of being polite to your host.

Terrible reading comprehension. See opening sentence.

Maybe basic politeness is a struggle for you.

Ah another European that thinks they are generally better looking than the Brits. Tut tut Just call her out on her rude statements. Anyway it’s early days of love, they’ll calm down . But yeah no overt PDA in my house.

It is tough to back down when you have embarrassed yourself, but it is a useful skill to acquire - along with brushing up one's reading comprehension.

A shame that you were unable to grasp the meaning of my post due to your adversity to body mass being referenced. Nuance and subtext appear to be beyond you.

Let this one go.

I don’t agree at all. If an English person, or any foreigner, was rude about Spanish people/cuisine/culture it wouldn’t be seen as just being direct. People would get extremely offended and defensive.

its perfectly ok for there to be diversity but OP’s daughter is saying it in a critical and superior way that is just not gonna endear her to her boyfriends family - she needs to do better

I find it fascinating that reading comprehension is so poor. Did I not state in my very first sentence that I was in agreement with @RedSnapdragon on the basics of manners and politeness...?

What I invited her to question was her statement that it wasn't true that UK women had higher BMIs.

She stated :
"Come on, all these people saying ‘it’s true’. Firstly it’s not… British people are not a homogenous, one size fits all bunch."

My response was that globally collated data informs us that it is true on average, but it is not the yardstick by which a person is judged - yes, even a female person! - and one cannot look at bmi without looking at several other societal factors for context, so no need to shy away from it.

Now for goodness sake can we move on.