Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

The generalisations of all uk women are ugly is a kind of wierd comment to make. Who does she mean? Italian women can be stunning, but not all are. (I've traveled there a little and ds1 wants to live there post uni).

so perhaps If they are together for a while, I can visit Italy!

Indeed

And perhaps you can learn tolerance and grace, from this young lady

Nobody on here needs to be defending British Women. The idea that we are homogenous with the same cooking skills and discernment towards what we eat is a nonsense. This remark has been made by a young women who has voiced her opinion which has been echoed by a couple of probably more grown women on this thread. I have lived, studied ,worked in various European countries (mainly southern) and I’ve always wondered why people usually break their neck in the first 20 minutes of meeting them to tell me how their country is better than the UK. I have a house in Lefkada and I often have to listen to locals who have never left there region telling me how shit Britain is and how they do things better. This is the point I find interesting !

Ha! Now the girlfriend thinks “Brits are fat, ugly, cannot cook AND cannot handle the truth!” For her sake I hope she stays away from OPs & her family as it’s clearly not a good match. It would drain the soul and life out of her (trying to put on a facade each time and be silenced in her opinions).

She could go onto find a boyfriend from another country and see how that works because believe me she tried that shit in any other country she’d be ran out of town. Brits are the most self deprecating people I know.

Great update, OP

I think you should have just left it alone - people are less self aware when younger but I think she sounds like a nice person, we do have a problem with obesity and that’s why people get really offended when someone slim and pretty comments because the truth hurts most likely.

You sound like you think no-one is good enough for your son and you’re far too involved in my opinion. You’ll likely regret this over the years when your son avoids visiting because of how critical you are. If you raised such petty things with then like how she commmented on a jar of sauce and sitting on her partner’s lap then I would say you’re pretty opinionated and outspoken yourself.

Sounds like me and my DH as teenagers and into our early 20s. I feel for you- it must be uncomfortable, but I thought I’d stick my two cents in just in case it can help at all.

Here are some issues that affected my relationship with my in-laws for a long time, even when they let me move in. Do any of them feel like they fit?

• I had a rough childhood. Me and DH met in the height of the abuse at home, and he was the only person I was able to speak to at times about the situation. Is it possible she is dealing with trauma of some kind?

• As a result, I had mental health problems. I was severely depressed and withdrawn in general, and I didn’t feel able to discuss this with my in-laws despite them being so understanding. DH was like my shadow too, always trying to make sure I was okay. Does she show any signs of depression?

• I came from a dysfunctional family as an only child. Being in a happy family environment with all the people, noise, and laughter was so alien and overwhelming for years. Is she used to families or environments like yours?

• I’m also autistic and was undiagnosed at the time. As you may know, autism in girls can present as quiet or minimally/non-verbal and anxious. Could she be ND?

DH also didn’t have many, if any, friends after college due to a shift in priorities. At the time, it made me really sad because I felt like it was a result of us being together all the time, but he has always said it was because he no longer wanted to be out with them all the time or spend all his free time gaming or drinking. He made new friends later in university that he could relate to more. As cheesy as it sounds, we are still the best of friends a decade or so on, but we also have other friends.

All this to say, I’m sure there’s some reason for her being so withdrawn, and if there’s been no tension, it’s probably something in her personal life. It’s not ‘normal’ behaviour for someone of her age. To try and give you some hope: my in-laws and I have an amazing relationship now. I learned to trust them and started to feel part of the family many years ago, and they were the only people I wanted there when we eloped- maybe don’t give up on her just yet because your DS clearly loves her.

It's because economy and industries are completely destroyed by self serving politicians and an avergae person is working hard and dealing with a lot of shit as a result, so there is no enegry for additional tasks of cooking from scratch twice a day or even once, especially when you are working and also responsible for looking after kids. People in culture where cooking is done from scratch traditionally had women solely ficussed on cooking and kids and had a community for support. It's easy for this young woman coming from a rural background. People working in cut throat work environment even in Italian cities do not have or energy to cook from scratch. My Italian friend living in the city has used sauce from jar for pasta. There are good quality sauce, olive oil, parmesan cheese available to make your life easier. But perhaps, they are too expensive for a person on low wages. I have lived in 4 europeans countries , and UK has quite decent quality/ variety of food available in shops, cafes and restaurants. Perhaps not very accessible for those in very low income groups.
Overall problem is due to ecocomy and the lifestyle focussed on trying to make ends meet, not everyone can afford a gym, mental health support, and weather being cold makes it more difficult to excerise in fresh air or sit in park and chat with neighbours like in an Italian village which help with physical and mental health and motivation.

What? Why are so many people falling over backwards to defend the GF? It is insane. She was incredibly rude and OP rightly called her on it.

AubenFable

Thank you so much for taking the trouble to describe your experience. I'm so happy you're on a happy footing with your in-laws now, for you and for them.

My ds's gf didn't grow up in a toxic environment as far as I know. She does have a twitch with her nose though I've noticed.. and as for as I know she isn't autistic.

In my case I am part of the problem I think.. she's from a different culture and doesn't get our jokes/nuances.. what I'm really trying to say is she doesn't really fit in. We're a noisy, outgoing family (apart from ds). I really have tried so hard for so long with her, so has my dd and it just is what it is I think.

That's not relevant to the topic here. Op hasn't asked if coffee and pasta sauce in Italy are better than in the UK.

If your son is not loud like rest of the family, then she fits in with your son, which is more important than fitting in with the family.

I agree most people in other cultures will find it offensive.

Portuguese women are fat and ugly too!

This

Most her points are true? Also you asked what she thought of brits and she answered honestly. She didn’t push her opinion on you.

I think I'd be saying, are whatever nationality she is rude generally, or is that just you?

All cats are grey in the dark! 👍

Italian person here - no, she's acting like this because she's rude, not because she's Italian. It's true that Italians can be more "direct" than Brits but it's considered rude, in Italy, to critique someone's food/appearance etc. And we do get told a lot, as kids, about respect for your host when you're in their house.

It's actually quite distressing to read your struggles with her.....you could try saying that not all Brits are fat or dress badly and state how lucky she is to be slim and a model. Your response could be that she is generalising.

I wouldnt like the criticism though of your food when she isnt doing any of the buying of it or the cooking of it either. Next time she criticizes it say youre handing the cooking of it to her and your son. And make them do the washing up as well,

Sorry, posted before reading on.

She's Italian. And young. It makes sense.

I lived in Italy many years ago Italians can be the most charming people you'll ever meet. But having taught older teens at UK summer schools, yes it was just one long slagging off of the UK.

Just shake your head, tut and say "Brutta figura" wherever she says something shit.

Could it be the translation? I have an Italian friend and sometimes she can seem quite blunt but it’s unintentional

I wondered if there was an 'issue' woth food there.

I’m English and I eat minimal processed food. I know many English people like me. I have the luxury to only work 26 hours a week and cooking is my downtime. I feed my family English, Italian, Tai, Indian etc and try to get a lot of vegetables in my dishes. When I’m in lefkada, Greeks will often tell me I must be happy to be there so that I can eat properly!