Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

Over the head with her comments op as anyone who bluntly slags other people always have issues with their own self concept , that's her own insecurities shining through very brightly that's a her problem . Take your son aside and ask him to respect your boundaries and household as his mother with the overly pda I'm sure after a conversation he can put a end to that for you after all there is a time and a place . As for the gf if she continues to make rude comments infront of your daughters take her aside and explain to her how you can't condone her behaviour as it's toxic to young woman and you would like it if she halted projecting her insecurities as your teaching your daughters kindness to all etc I'd go to as far as asking her what her reasons for being so hateful to other women and does she not realise many people may have the same view about her , I wonder how that would make her feel I'd get curious with her just don't let her get to you though

At first i thought....ooh cheeky cow and whilst i still think she's a cheeky/rude little madam..what on earth were you thinking by cooking spaghetti bol and using jar with an Italian house guest?

Cringe

What did you serve with the jacket spuds?

Europeans do eat better than us...I doubt they eat jacket spuds with cheese and beans

And she's right about the coke

I have experienced exactly the same when studying and teaching mainly southern Europeans. They seem to need to tell us how inferior everything is here. At Uni I had two good friends who had Italian parents but were born and brought up in London . When the Italians were talking about every thing being shit in England they used to blow their gaskets he he .

The judgemental comments alone would be a massive turn off for me.
I don't think I would be in a rush to invite her back into my house.

Hi op,

Honestly, this shall pass.

Let him enjoy his rest with his family. Don’t say a single word as you will be hung with it. Also, get used of meeting girls/boys you disapprove of. The more you build with her, the best it will be if it lasts. If the best you can do is creating no damage in your relationship then choose that.

She says something about cooking? Invite her to cook for the family.
she can’t keep her hands of your son? That sounds like something he likes so find your rules for dating and then stick to it. If the rule is « you have a room to share », it can’t be later « and no tongue in front of me. »
She finds the English girls not pretty…I bet you she doesn’t! Probably hope he doesn’t too!!
it hurts your girl? Teach them to take these kind of comments…they are old enough…plus they can answer for themselves no?
she is opiniated? Good, ask her questions…learn who she is, what she likes and hopes for….

No YANBU she doesn’t sound good.

This does kind of change everything.

I'm half italian. In my youth I also would have commented about the jar as it's so alien to use a jar full of all kinds when bolognaise ragi is easy to make and much tastier. The jars taste nothing like bolognaise.

It's also very weird to have no veg in Italy. Even if it's just a simple salad. And I still comment on the coffee drunk in the UK - most of it tastes like what I magine dishwater would be!

She was answering questions you asked about Brits . She didn't just state we're fat and ugly!

And we all know Italians are very touchy feely. She wouldn't have even realised how awkward that could be to repressed Brits

I agreed with your view until I read the context. Maybe you're being a bit too harsh and not appreciating the context of the separate things

Tell straight out that she's a judgemental cow and very very ugly on the inside and if she doesn't wind her neck in then she's no longer welcome in your home and if you're son doesn't like it then he knows where the door is too.....

I think you need to tread carefully. As another post said, she's young and attractive and your husband is sounding a bit smitten. The last thing you want to appear is critical or mean in any way and the most important thing is not to fall out with your DS. So I'd laugh it off and try to get to know her better, suggest a shopping trip with your daughters or something like. This might not appeal to the 'call her out, send them to a hotel' brigade but in the long term will pay dividends. Avoid a rift with your DS or risk making the relationship last longer than it might otherwise.

He sounds like most boys of his age, besotted his new, exotic girlfriend. I’d probably approach her with something like…..” perhaps you can tell me why Italian girls and women have fantastic figures, up until when they get married, and then they just balloon !…. You know in that kind of typical “Italian Mumma” way…. Is it having babies or just all that pasta, carb heavy diet ?”…..see what she says to that. She’s young, probably very insecure, although may not come across like that, and derives satisfaction out of denigrating other women/other cultures, simply because it makes her feel better about herself !

Just saying that msny people who appesr to have 'swallowed the dictionary' have in reality a huge self confidence problem.
Have you liked any previous girlfriends?

Goodness me. I've just read your recent update. She's right isn't she? And so is your DH. You aren't giving her instant coffee are you ?
Maybe ask her to cook.

She may just be trying ( a bit too hard for taste) to be confident and fit in. I'd try to let it go if you can.

Great update OP. I don’t live in Italy but live in Spain and the Spanish are fairly similar culturally. You did the right thing by being direct. Also by pulling her up on these comments as I can assure you Spaniards and Italians do not react well to foreigners criticising their people/culture, so what’s good for the goose is good for the gander 😂

Different cultures will clash I have this also sadly but … I love my son and my grandchildren so I put up and it’s paid off … not always easy but it’s working and I won’t lose my dignity or my boys
we have some nice times and I’m also used to other family members being blunt and I just avoid them because I can live without them but not my son and grandbabies

just change your way of seeing things … don’t lose your son xx please please … hold your head up ..keep your dignity … 🤗

When you read the post by the OP of the things she’s said, I don’t think she was being rude and she has since apologised if it came across this way. I really think it was a cultural clash and nothing more.

Your son is probably very happy with all the affection, he's in love.
But, criticising your food and saying English people are fat and ugly.

1. re food I'd say the thing is when people eat a lot of spices etc the smell comes out of their pores, it's terrible - but not you of course.
2. Pasta is very fattening isn't it? maybe that's why most Italian woman gain so much weight as they get a little older. But I'm sure you won't. What's good for the goose is good for the gander as they say.

I’m also European and shocked by the average British diet that includes ready made meals (which are not made with high quality ingredients or don’t contain harmful preservatives) and meal deal sandwiches (I know you all love them, I will never understand it 😂) Generally speaking, I’d expect someone who invites me for food to at least cook a meal from scratch, and not offer me Aldi pre-made food.

Having said that, I’d never tell hosts this. I’ll always be grateful for what people offer me. Italians are known to be rude though which might be because they are too honest?

Your husband probably fancies her.

I’ve had Italian female teachers stay with me recently, exact same kinda stuff
as it’s your sons girlfriend, I would say oh that’s harsh or similar to her comments
but they will be gone soon, don’t give her any
reason to isolate him from you

@AubernFable

yeah right, who cares about OP’s daughters and what they are subjected to by this woman eh?? So long as op doesn’t upset her son in the slightest way cos he might go non contact, stop her seeing any future grandchildren and throw her in a nursing home when she is elderly.

@TrueOlympian

it sounds like this woman is round OP’s house all the time though. Therefore she needs to just eat what they eat and can’t expect made from scratch meals every single night. Or she could always cook for the whole household if she’s so bothered… but somehow I bet she won’t…

I don't agree with the majority of opinions posted. It sounds like a trying situation. OP, you have my sympathy for that.
But all the rest is a young woman shooting her mouth off - unfortunate but not world ending and you have put her right in relation to her views that could be unhelpful for your girls to hear. And your son and her at each other constantly - must be trying to have to watch.
I get that you're missing your boy as he was but if you want this relationship to end - DO NOTHING! SAY NOTHING!
They are both young and my guess is that this relationship will fizzle out, as many do at that age unless they have someone to kick against! Ie you!

Perhaps she is training for UK citizenship.

She sounds like the kind of person that if she were in her 80's, people would be bending over backwards to excuse her and advocate tolerance; "Oooh she's a character", "Awww bless her she's old", "I love a person who speaks their mind and isn't woke". To be honest this sounds like a situation where boundaries need to be established, and if she refuses to moderate her attitude, tell her to f**k right off.

Perhaps you could divert her attention by asking what she thinks of Americans.