Not inviting my Dads wife to my wedding?

[JSS94]

Long long long story short - My dad has been with his wife for 20+ years in which I have not seen/spoken to her since I was of primary school age. I'm now 31 years old.

From what I know this is because she believed myself and my two brothers received preferential treatment to her two daughters (not my dad's daughters). My dad's wife excluded herself from my our side of the family and did not allow me and my brothers to meet our two half siblings she and my dad went on to have until their teenage years.

From what I have heard, my dads wife finds it difficult to keep friends, has fallen out with her own two daughters multiple times and currently one of her daughters refuses to even be in the same room as her due to her own personal reasons.

It's also important to note that myself and two brothers were never invited to my dad and his wife's wedding.

AIBU to not want her there on my big day? My dad had asked that she is invited to 'keep the peace' in his home and even offered the money to pay for her 'per head' cost on the day.

Why did you father choose to not have you and your siblings at his wedding to 'keep the peace'?

I invited people who don't like me to my wedding when I was young and stupid to 'keep peace' and still regret it. With people so shit there was never any peace to begin with.
Tell your father your are only inviting people who like and/or love you and don't indulge him in any further debate.

Will your dad come if you don't invite her?

If you have a good relationship with your dad, I'd probably invite her, as long as there's no chance she'd make some kind of scene. Just to keep the peace.

If you don't have a good relationship with your dad or you do think she'll make a scene, then I wouldn't invite her.

Invite her, she’ll probably choose not to come.

Puts your dad in a tough position otherwise.

If he’s paying, the only reason you have not to invite her is spite and, although you don’t like her, she’s the person your dad has chosen to be with and you’re a better person than her. So you should invite her and put the ball in her court to refuse the invitation (which she likely will anyway) and then she’s the bad guy and you’re the reasonable one

Yes definately invite her anyway she is sure not to come.

In fairness I don't think I'd invite my Dad either since he hasn't stood up for you over the years. The whole situation sounds crazy

As someone who kept the peace far too much during my own wedding, do as you please. If it will bother you she is there then don't invite her. If I was in your position I wouldn't. The last thing you really want is regrets and I know I have a lot of them surrounding DH family and our wedding.

She might stop your Dad from going if you don't. I don't blame you though. There was a thread once where someone was told they were incredibly unreasonable not to invite their stepmum but the circumstances were VERY different.

Not sure why your df gets an invite. He allowed this disgusting behaviour to happen against you. For years I blamed my df's dw.. Then realised df allowed his only dc to be practically abused by his dw.. In- I would like to add- the home my dm and I had lived in long before she came along!
Cheeky fucker indeed..

If you weren't invited to theirs I wouldn't invite them to yours.

Where I'm from we take reciprocity as a kind of rule in these things. Keeps it simple

Have you explained to your dad how his prioritising his wife and her children to the point that you and your siblings were completely excluded from his life and how that made you feel, if not I would and also exactly why you want nothing to do with her nor do you want someone who quite clearly hates you at your wedding.

Why would she want to come? You said yourself she excludes herself from your side.

If your dad kicks up a fuss remind him you weren't allowed at his wedding to her, neither of them get to insist on her attendance at yours.

I was ready to say YABU but reading your post, your definitely justified not want her there and your Dad shouldn't be surprised at all.

Two questions spring to mind:
What do you think of your relationship with your dad atm?
Are you worried she'll misbehave at your wedding?

I wouldn't personally. She clearly doesn't like you, is basically a stranger and didn't want you at her wedding -to your dad! I wouldn't care if my dad didn't come either. I think you've been kind to invite him as it is, considering how he's treated you. Sorry, but he sounds like a shit dad. Fuck his peace at home. He's made his bed.

"you're"

I think it depends on how important it is to have your dad there. He hasn't stood up to her in the past it seems if he went along with her 'ban' to not let you meet your half siblings and you being excluded from their wedding. Chances are, if you don't invite her, she'll pressure him not to go and he's likely to comply sadly.

Your dad sounds like a wet weekend not man enough to take a disagreement. Fuck em both

That's not necessarily the only reason. Some places have a limited amount of people you can have and if the OP hits the maximum and it's between her dad's wife and someone who actually likes her then I'd definitely choose the person I get on with.

There are plenty of other possible reasons as well.

Why are you inviting your father? I’m not getting much of a positive vibe from him. He seems too passive in it all and trying to placate everyone and get you involved in it too.

Absolutely this. What a weak, ineffectual parent he is.
Your wedding should be a day of joy, not eggshells.

Yanbu and it's not your job to keep the peace in his relationship so he can have an easy life. He didn't give a shit when you weren't invited to his wedding did he?

I would not invite her, accepting that your father may also decide not to come.

If invited she may well turn up and I would find that stressful and unpleasant if I was in your shoes.

If it was me I would rather risk them both not being there.

He put himself in this position.

I'd not believe all the second hand stories from him either.

I definitely would not send an invite in the hope that she won't come.

If she turns up, you'll be irritated on your wedding day.

You don't owe her anything, or your spineless DF.

He choose to stick by her over his own children. He may choose not to attend, if he doesn't attend it would be the final nail in the coffin for me personally.

You get what you give in life.