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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting my Dads wife to my wedding?

166 replies

JSS94 · 09/02/2025 19:33

Long long long story short - My dad has been with his wife for 20+ years in which I have not seen/spoken to her since I was of primary school age. I'm now 31 years old.

From what I know this is because she believed myself and my two brothers received preferential treatment to her two daughters (not my dad's daughters). My dad's wife excluded herself from my our side of the family and did not allow me and my brothers to meet our two half siblings she and my dad went on to have until their teenage years.

From what I have heard, my dads wife finds it difficult to keep friends, has fallen out with her own two daughters multiple times and currently one of her daughters refuses to even be in the same room as her due to her own personal reasons.

It's also important to note that myself and two brothers were never invited to my dad and his wife's wedding.

AIBU to not want her there on my big day? My dad had asked that she is invited to 'keep the peace' in his home and even offered the money to pay for her 'per head' cost on the day.

OP posts:
Blanketapproach · 09/02/2025 21:02

Would she go anyway even if you do invite her?

anothernameanotherplanet · 09/02/2025 21:25

I’d not want to invite her but can see that it might be pragmatic to do so. I suspect she won’t show up. But inviting her removes future ammunition.

A potential complication not mentioned. Is your Mum around? If so what does she think, where is she in all of this.

What are your brothers’ opinions? And more out of interest your two half sisters?

All the best with this. P

Lostworlds · 09/02/2025 21:31

I find it really hurtful that your dad didn’t invite you and your siblings to his wedding. He put his wife first which is pretty difficult to understand.

I understand why you don’t want to have her there and I wouldn’t blame you for not inviting her. It seems like if you did, then she probably wouldn’t go anyway.
Looks like your dad doesn’t want to deal with a fall out as she probably won’t want him to go but that’s not your issue. This woman has made it clear that she doesn’t want to be part of your life, it’s not your job to make sure your dad doesn’t have an argument.

Copperoliverbear · 09/02/2025 21:33

I'm sorry but i would not have either of them there, neither cared about your feelings.

AliceMcK · 09/02/2025 21:33

Ahhh yes I had a DF who liked “to keep the peace” it ended up with me being excluded from my family and years of self loathing, blaming myself. NUP your dad made his choice all those years ago, he choose a nasty woman over his children, it’s his problem to deal with. I’d tell him he can deal with it and never bring it up with you again.

lunar1 · 09/02/2025 21:37

I wouldn't invite a stranger to my wedding.

Original poster
JSS94 · 09/02/2025 21:47

JSS94 · 09/02/2025 19:33

Long long long story short - My dad has been with his wife for 20+ years in which I have not seen/spoken to her since I was of primary school age. I'm now 31 years old.

From what I know this is because she believed myself and my two brothers received preferential treatment to her two daughters (not my dad's daughters). My dad's wife excluded herself from my our side of the family and did not allow me and my brothers to meet our two half siblings she and my dad went on to have until their teenage years.

From what I have heard, my dads wife finds it difficult to keep friends, has fallen out with her own two daughters multiple times and currently one of her daughters refuses to even be in the same room as her due to her own personal reasons.

It's also important to note that myself and two brothers were never invited to my dad and his wife's wedding.

AIBU to not want her there on my big day? My dad had asked that she is invited to 'keep the peace' in his home and even offered the money to pay for her 'per head' cost on the day.

To add to the above -

Mine and my dad's relationship doesn't go much further than check-ins over text and seeing each other on family occasions. He won't be walking me down the aisle and I'd not expect a speech from him because I'm not sure he'd have much to say!

At the end of 2022, my dad's wife has decided to involve herself with his side of the family again for reasons unknown to myself. She almost appears to be trying so hard it feels fake. An example of this is myself falling pregnant and suddenly she is buying baby clothes, offering to come shopping with me and suddenly texting me more than my dad does, even apparently being 'disappointed' that she did not get invited to my baby shower. Her name is now included at the end of birthday/Christmas cards and signs them off as 'nanny' to cards for my kids.

OP posts:
Muddypawsies · 09/02/2025 21:56

Your dad’s wife is trying to make up with you - it doesn’t excuse her past behaviour, but it does mean that you should invite her to your wedding. This is the chance for new beginnings.

Creameded · 09/02/2025 21:57

Absolutely not.
I'd not bother inviting your father either.
What a poor father he has been.

I wouldn't be entertaining her new found interest in being involved, not for a minute.
Too little, too late, and by the sounds of it, massively presumptuous.

Enjoy your day, husband and future.

helpwithschool · 09/02/2025 22:00

I would invite my dad only even though it means he may not come.

I think you need to decided which option you prefer:

  • no dad (sounds like he won't come unless you invite both)
or
  • dad and his wife...

Reading between the lines, the 2nd option sounds overall the much better one.

JoyousPinkPeer · 09/02/2025 22:01

I understand your reasoning.

Be better and more intelligent than her, invite your father and your step mum. You will put her in a very difficult position, when she will then show her true self. If you don't invite her you will just give her good reason to ask your father not to attend.

helpwithschool · 09/02/2025 22:01

Muddypawsies · 09/02/2025 21:56

Your dad’s wife is trying to make up with you - it doesn’t excuse her past behaviour, but it does mean that you should invite her to your wedding. This is the chance for new beginnings.

I wouldn't start with new beginning at a big wedding but small.

Beamur · 09/02/2025 22:08

Your SM sounds like a loon.
I have no relationship with my Dad's wife and for similar reasons to yours, little relationship with him now either.
I did invite them both to my reception (neither were invited to the wedding itself). Dad turned up alone and whinged a lot about not being invited to the wedding.
I can't imagine much worse than my SM trying to be friends with me! From what you have said I think there's a significant likelihood she will come if invited and assume this means you're all now 'friends'.
Frankly which is the least worst outcome for you here?

Genevieva · 09/02/2025 22:15

Your update leaves me thinking you should invite her to keep the peace. It sounds like she is severely socially awkward and that this has profoundly damaged her life and the lives of those around her, but she’s trying to make amends. You don’t have to be best buddies with her and you will find you barely have time to talk to lots of people at a wedding, so whether she’s there or not won’t impact you. Unless a wedding is very small or there is a real risk of a guest making a scene, this is generally the best approach.

I’m always reminded of an old friend of mine who insisted on inviting her uncle, who was the black sheep of the family. Her mother warned her off. She insisted that it was the right thing to do. He came, was politeness itself and the day heeled his relationship with the wider family. It was really beautiful.

fashionqueen0123 · 09/02/2025 22:16

JSS94 · 09/02/2025 21:47

To add to the above -

Mine and my dad's relationship doesn't go much further than check-ins over text and seeing each other on family occasions. He won't be walking me down the aisle and I'd not expect a speech from him because I'm not sure he'd have much to say!

At the end of 2022, my dad's wife has decided to involve herself with his side of the family again for reasons unknown to myself. She almost appears to be trying so hard it feels fake. An example of this is myself falling pregnant and suddenly she is buying baby clothes, offering to come shopping with me and suddenly texting me more than my dad does, even apparently being 'disappointed' that she did not get invited to my baby shower. Her name is now included at the end of birthday/Christmas cards and signs them off as 'nanny' to cards for my kids.

Show quote history

Ugh. I wouldnt invite either of them.
Not letting you meet your new siblings! Wtf? Presumably that meant not ever visiting your dad at home. I’d have blocked her already. She sounds vile. No wonder her own kids have issues with her. And I’d be disgusted that your dad let her do that. I wouldn’t want someone like that at my wedding. Imagine the show she’ll put on. And she didn’t invite you! God she sounds horrific. There is no need to invite her at all.

Hoardasurass · 09/02/2025 22:24

JSS94 · 09/02/2025 21:47

To add to the above -

Mine and my dad's relationship doesn't go much further than check-ins over text and seeing each other on family occasions. He won't be walking me down the aisle and I'd not expect a speech from him because I'm not sure he'd have much to say!

At the end of 2022, my dad's wife has decided to involve herself with his side of the family again for reasons unknown to myself. She almost appears to be trying so hard it feels fake. An example of this is myself falling pregnant and suddenly she is buying baby clothes, offering to come shopping with me and suddenly texting me more than my dad does, even apparently being 'disappointed' that she did not get invited to my baby shower. Her name is now included at the end of birthday/Christmas cards and signs them off as 'nanny' to cards for my kids.

Show quote history

Sorry but she's taking the piss. She made her choice when you were a child that you weren't part of her family she doesn't get to suddenly decide that she's part of your life or is "nanny" to your dc now.
You're a better person than me as I'd have told her what I thought of her and blocked her when she started trying to play happy families with me

mitogoshigg · 09/02/2025 22:25

Sounds like she has regret, perhaps the story isn't as clear cut as you were led to believe all those years ago too.

If your dad is paying for her and she can be trusted to not get in the way or say something she shouldn't, i would invite her personally as it seems she has been trying the last couple of years.

The adults in your life probably all contributed to the situation all those years ago unfortunately but time can't be rewound, I'm sorry you had to go through this

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/02/2025 22:37

I opened this thread expecting to say you should invite her, it's weird to invite only one half of a married couple to the creation of a new married couple. I still think that, but I think the correct choice in your circumstances would be to keep that married couple together - uninvited. She sounds as if she'd start a fight in an empty room and your father is apparently ruled by her and has been a frankly piss-poor excuse for a father for 20+ years. Possibly your entire life. Their presence at your wedding would be unlikely to be a positive for you and the rest of your guests. I just wouldn't invite them.

I'd be very wary about why she has "decided to involve herself with his side of the family" given how appallingly she has treated you all. Has she run out of people to mistreat and fall out with within her side?

WaltzingWaters · 09/02/2025 22:42

Blimey she sounds vile. Definitely wouldn’t be inviting her. And I’d think twice about inviting you ur dad too. Doesn’t sound like he’s stood up for you or your siblings at all.

Lau2108 · 09/02/2025 23:09

Lmnop22 · 09/02/2025 19:41

If he’s paying, the only reason you have not to invite her is spite and, although you don’t like her, she’s the person your dad has chosen to be with and you’re a better person than her. So you should invite her and put the ball in her court to refuse the invitation (which she likely will anyway) and then she’s the bad guy and you’re the reasonable one

Edited

Completely agree that she will likely decline the invite and make herself the bad person.

But, her dads not paying for the entire wedding, he's offered to pay for his wife to be there. It's OP's wedding, she has plenty of reason to not invite her and not have people there who she and partner don't like/want. Her dad doesn't have the right to 'buy' his wife's place at the wedding, especially after how they've been treated and his own kids weren't even invited to his.

Edited to add - the dad can make his own decision if he wants to go to the wedding without her.

Crinkleybottomburger · 09/02/2025 23:23

Your dad is spineless, sadly, like mine was and so many of the others on this thread. I’m not married but if I had of, there’s no way I would have invited her. Be prepared for your dad to take the easy option and not attend.

sprigatito · 09/02/2025 23:27

I wouldn't invite either of them. They sound dreadful.

Kitkatcatflap · 09/02/2025 23:29

So you were NOT invited to your Dad/wife's wedding to keep the peace, yet he is asking you to INVITE her to keep the peace. Your Dad sounds weak. You don't owe him anything. He needs to sort out his own home life, not expect you to do it. If you don't like the wife and don't trust her to overstep or cause drama -dont do it. It's your wedding - she had hers and you weren't invited.

Given your update, is her sudden interest in you as result of her falling out with her own daughters? You are right to be wary.

Enough4me · 09/02/2025 23:32

She sounds mentally unstable. I'd keep her away from everyone you care about. If your dad doesn't attend it doesn't sound like a great loss. Have a lovely day with the people who really care about you!

andthat · 09/02/2025 23:33

JSS94 · 09/02/2025 21:47

To add to the above -

Mine and my dad's relationship doesn't go much further than check-ins over text and seeing each other on family occasions. He won't be walking me down the aisle and I'd not expect a speech from him because I'm not sure he'd have much to say!

At the end of 2022, my dad's wife has decided to involve herself with his side of the family again for reasons unknown to myself. She almost appears to be trying so hard it feels fake. An example of this is myself falling pregnant and suddenly she is buying baby clothes, offering to come shopping with me and suddenly texting me more than my dad does, even apparently being 'disappointed' that she did not get invited to my baby shower. Her name is now included at the end of birthday/Christmas cards and signs them off as 'nanny' to cards for my kids.

Show quote history

So she removed herself from your life when you were in primary school and stopped you and your siblings from building a relationship with your half siblings… and now she wants to call herself nanny to your kids?

I’m stunned on the regular by the absolute batshit behaviour of some people.

@JSS94 absolutely don’t extend the invite to your wedding. Why would you have her there?

And tell your dad to grow a backbone. Does he really expect you to accommodate her after years of her rejection of you? Tell him if her not being invited causes upset in his home then tough shit.

He should have put you and your siblings first many many years ago and let his wife know that her behaviour to his children wouldn’t be tolerated.

Congrats on your big day, hope it’s wonderful!