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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting my Dads wife to my wedding?

166 replies

JSS94 · 09/02/2025 19:33

Long long long story short - My dad has been with his wife for 20+ years in which I have not seen/spoken to her since I was of primary school age. I'm now 31 years old.

From what I know this is because she believed myself and my two brothers received preferential treatment to her two daughters (not my dad's daughters). My dad's wife excluded herself from my our side of the family and did not allow me and my brothers to meet our two half siblings she and my dad went on to have until their teenage years.

From what I have heard, my dads wife finds it difficult to keep friends, has fallen out with her own two daughters multiple times and currently one of her daughters refuses to even be in the same room as her due to her own personal reasons.

It's also important to note that myself and two brothers were never invited to my dad and his wife's wedding.

AIBU to not want her there on my big day? My dad had asked that she is invited to 'keep the peace' in his home and even offered the money to pay for her 'per head' cost on the day.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 23:36

Invite her. Doubt she’ll come anyway.

Gingerbreadloony · 09/02/2025 23:36

I wouldn’t invite either! How could your dad stop you from meeting your SIBLINGS?! Why didn’t he stand up to his wife? This sounds like my parents - textbook narc and classic enabler who did whatever she wanted no matter how ridiculous to ‘keep the peace’. Sod both of them I say.

andfinallyhereweare · 10/02/2025 01:34

No right or wrong decision here, I’d say it comes down to how much you value your relationship with your dad. If the answer is not that much don’t invite, if it’s a lot then invite. Take her out of the equation she’s irrelevant. It’s you and your dads relationship that matters.

Kitkatcatflap · 10/02/2025 05:06

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 23:36

Invite her. Doubt she’ll come anyway.

Read the update - Dad's wife is now signing cards as Nanny and was upset she wasn't invited to go dress shopping. She has also fallen out her own daughters. If she's invited she will go.

Agix · 10/02/2025 05:14

Tell your father the simple solution to keep the peace in their home is that neither of them are invited, just as you weren't invited to his wedding.

So his options are, he comes alone, or does not come.

PenneyFouryourthoughts · 10/02/2025 05:25

The Nanny thing would irritate me no end. Your kids have a Nanny, it's just not her. I made this clear when my DD was born. Her Nanny had passed away before I met her dad. The woman married to her GF was referred to by her given name. It was respectful to DD's dad's mother.

I wouldn't invite either of them because of the stress you'll have at the back of your mind about the whole thing. My step-MiL used to take more interest in me and DD when she fought with her two adult daughters as well. It's not genuine. PP have got that right.

Scarydinosaurs · 10/02/2025 05:26

I’m sorry your dad is so useless. I wouldn’t want either there.

AngelicKaty · 10/02/2025 05:31

@JSS94 YANBU OP and you should have who you want at your wedding. Maybe ask your dad why he didn't care about "keeping the peace" when he failed to invite you and your brothers to his wedding to her? Also, I wonder if she's trying to get closer to you now because her relationship with her own daughters is on shaky ground? Don't get sucked into her drama OP - have the lovely wedding day you want.

Kiwi83 · 10/02/2025 05:39

I was in a very similar position to you, I didn't invite my dad or his wife and I've never regretted it.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/02/2025 05:40

ExtraOnions · 09/02/2025 19:39

Invite her, she’ll probably choose not to come.

Puts your dad in a tough position otherwise.

He should be in a tough position. He didn't invite his own daughter to his wedding. Why on earth would OP want her step-mother at her wedding who has refused to see her since she was a child?

thepariscrimefiles · 10/02/2025 05:53

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2025 20:43

Do you mind if he decides not to come without her?

You've bought into the classic dynamic of blaming a woman for a man’s shitty decisions. He was responsible for all or nearly all of the things you blame her for. He made many choices that have hurt you and you’re happy to have him there. Your choice but it’s not reasonable.

OP's dad supported his wife's shitty behaviour towards his daughters. He is certainly not blameless as he must have agreed with his wife that the children he had with her would not meet OP until they were in their teens. His wife is to blame for her own behaviour and her dad is to blame for his but obviously OP feels more obligation to her dad than to her step-mum with whom she has absolutely no relationship.

user1492757084 · 10/02/2025 05:54

If it is important to have your father there then I would
invite his wife but request of him that, should she decline, he has to still come.
I really don't think you will see her.

It is problematic because her own daughter will then refuse to attend.
You need to think about whether you want your siblings there or your father and their mother. Will they all be polite at the wedding?

If they can all be polite, invite all and trust them to be adults. You will be concentrating on so much more and the guests will blurr into the distance. You'll see them in photos.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/02/2025 06:05

Genevieva · 09/02/2025 22:15

Your update leaves me thinking you should invite her to keep the peace. It sounds like she is severely socially awkward and that this has profoundly damaged her life and the lives of those around her, but she’s trying to make amends. You don’t have to be best buddies with her and you will find you barely have time to talk to lots of people at a wedding, so whether she’s there or not won’t impact you. Unless a wedding is very small or there is a real risk of a guest making a scene, this is generally the best approach.

I’m always reminded of an old friend of mine who insisted on inviting her uncle, who was the black sheep of the family. Her mother warned her off. She insisted that it was the right thing to do. He came, was politeness itself and the day heeled his relationship with the wider family. It was really beautiful.

You think that she didn't allow OP to meet her half siblings until they were teens because she was severely socially awkward? She completely excluded OP and her brothers from her family with their father when they were children. That is unforgiveable and she hasn't even apologised.

She sounds like a dreadful woman and I wouldn't have her anywhere near my wedding.

Newtt · 10/02/2025 06:05

Beamur · 09/02/2025 22:08

Your SM sounds like a loon.
I have no relationship with my Dad's wife and for similar reasons to yours, little relationship with him now either.
I did invite them both to my reception (neither were invited to the wedding itself). Dad turned up alone and whinged a lot about not being invited to the wedding.
I can't imagine much worse than my SM trying to be friends with me! From what you have said I think there's a significant likelihood she will come if invited and assume this means you're all now 'friends'.
Frankly which is the least worst outcome for you here?

This sounds like a good compromise that actually says so much more. Being invited to just the evening do is a statement in itself - but I imaging neither will come because of that…

Do you really want them both round from Christmas dinner in the future etc? If you do want that family bond then I guess you have to invite her to the whole wedding.

If the decision to invite is causing so much stress - you have your answer already. As others have said, if she doesn’t get an invite your dad probably won’t come.

Lets face it, you don’t want him walking you down the aisle, so people will notice that anyway.

Hope you have a wonderful day whatever you decide!

boocurl · 10/02/2025 06:07

Absolutely not. Signing a card and buying some gifts is such a cop out without acknowledging and apologising for the past.

Your dad doesn’t get to dictate and it sounds like he chose her anyway so let him continue. Have the best day with people who you actually want to be around.

We wish we didn’t invite my FIL’s partner to ours but an invite still didn’t ‘keep the peace’ as she then found issue with all sorts like seating plans and both didn’t show.

moose62 · 10/02/2025 06:09

It is your wedding! Don't invite her if you don't want to. If your father then decides not to come, it is his choice. It doesn't sound like it would be any great loss. She can't suddenly make up for all the years of ignoring you and no doubt the day will be more relaxed without her.

JoshLymanSwagger · 10/02/2025 06:11

@JSS94 Does your Dad know he's not walking you down the aisle or giving a speech?

I'd make sure he knows now that he's just a guest (and she's not invited).
Chances are she won't want to come if he's not doing the whole "father of the bride" performance.

Horses7 · 10/02/2025 06:18

I wouldn’t invite either of them

Mydietstartstomorrow · 10/02/2025 06:20

NoKnit · 09/02/2025 19:42

In fairness I don't think I'd invite my Dad either since he hasn't stood up for you over the years. The whole situation sounds crazy

Exactly what I was thinking! What kind of father is he?!

RootAndDandelion · 10/02/2025 06:22

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/02/2025 22:37

I opened this thread expecting to say you should invite her, it's weird to invite only one half of a married couple to the creation of a new married couple. I still think that, but I think the correct choice in your circumstances would be to keep that married couple together - uninvited. She sounds as if she'd start a fight in an empty room and your father is apparently ruled by her and has been a frankly piss-poor excuse for a father for 20+ years. Possibly your entire life. Their presence at your wedding would be unlikely to be a positive for you and the rest of your guests. I just wouldn't invite them.

I'd be very wary about why she has "decided to involve herself with his side of the family" given how appallingly she has treated you all. Has she run out of people to mistreat and fall out with within her side?

A cynic might suggest that her sudden interest in the OP is closely linked to her falling out with her daughter. If she doesn't speak to one of her own daughters AND her two step-children, she starts to look very much like the common denominator.

Trying to buddy up to the step-daughter after over two decades of acting as though she doesn't exist smacks of an attempt to prove that her daughter's estrangement can't possibly be anything to do with her.

Agree with other posters that your father has also been a very poor excuse for a dad. I would not be inviting the batshit step-mother, both for historic reasons and because she sounds as though she thrives on drama that I would not want at my wedding. What you do re an invitation to your father is up to you but it doesn't sound like it will be a great loss if he decides not to come (though his absence would probably put the nail in the coffin of any ongoing relationship if I were you).

Have a wonderful wedding!

crockofshite · 10/02/2025 06:23

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 23:36

Invite her. Doubt she’ll come anyway.

An invitation, with the expectation she won't attend anyway, is just giving the woman the opportunity to reject OP again.

I'd take the initiative and exclude her from the start. That could have the added bonus of resulting in no more cards from 'nanny'.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 10/02/2025 06:31

How come DSM gets all the blame for your fathers failure?

I wouldn’t invite him.

Porcuporpoise · 10/02/2025 06:31

I'd invite both of them, or neither. Are you inviting your half siblings?

Porcuporpoise · 10/02/2025 06:31

I'd invite both of them, or neither. Are you inviting your half siblings?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 10/02/2025 06:31

I’d text her.

Dear X,

I am quite confused by your recent contact bearing in mind you a) refused to let me have contact with my siblings and b) didn’t invite me to your wedding and c) wouldn’t allow me to my father’s home. As you can imagine this was all quite traumatic so no, it’s not as easy to just sweep it all under the carpet. If you properly explain why you did what you did and apologise, then maybe we can move forward. I’m sorry, but I can’t just forget about it and act like it didn’t happen.