Not inviting my Dads wife to my wedding?

[JSS94]

Long long long story short - My dad has been with his wife for 20+ years in which I have not seen/spoken to her since I was of primary school age. I'm now 31 years old.

From what I know this is because she believed myself and my two brothers received preferential treatment to her two daughters (not my dad's daughters). My dad's wife excluded herself from my our side of the family and did not allow me and my brothers to meet our two half siblings she and my dad went on to have until their teenage years.

From what I have heard, my dads wife finds it difficult to keep friends, has fallen out with her own two daughters multiple times and currently one of her daughters refuses to even be in the same room as her due to her own personal reasons.

It's also important to note that myself and two brothers were never invited to my dad and his wife's wedding.

AIBU to not want her there on my big day? My dad had asked that she is invited to 'keep the peace' in his home and even offered the money to pay for her 'per head' cost on the day.

So now this woman has decided to be nice OP is obligated to go along with it after being ignored for 20 years?

Familial titles don't entitle someone to simply pick you and drop you when they feel like it. Particularly when they were the adult throughout the entire thing.

The new 'try hard' aspect makes her all the less appealing. If I'd had to spend my childhood digesting this woman's dislike for me and my fathers lack of support, there's no way I'm posing in pictures with them that are meant to be my happy memories for the future.

OP tell him to take her out with his money and have a lovely time.

I'm sorry what a hard position to be put in! Difficult for you but as others have said this is your day, I feel for your Dad too but wow what a horrid person your step mother sounds. I know it's not the point of this thread but to not allow a relation between you and your half siblings. The woman surely has to admit she understands why you'd not want her there on your special day.

And for good measure,

Dear Dad.

No, X isn’t invited to the wedding, just as I wasn’t invited to yours. I find the suggestion ridiculous, with the way she has treated me, and the fact that you have never stuck up for me to “keep the peace”. What about my peace? I wasn’t allowed to have contact with my own siblings and X didn’t acknowledge I existed. I was a CHILD when this started. Either you come alone or not at all. And please talk to her about her recent messages to me. I can’t just pretend she didn’t behave so appallingly all these years and suddenly be friendly. She either has to properly explain and apologise or she will be blocked. Sorry if this is hard to hear, but your behaviour and just ignoring all these issues has contributed to this as well.

If you’ve not seen or spoken to her for over twenty years I thinks it’s nonsensical that she should be invited to your wedding. She has made her resentment of you very obvious to the point she didn’t even invite you and your siblings to her wedding to your dad. Your dad should have put his foot down then and he clearly didn’t so don’t invite her, and leave him to deal with it. If he doesn’t come himself then that’s a clear sign that you made the right choice as he will once again be showing himself willing to sacrifice your happiness for hers.

Ugh what a piss poor dad and horrible woman. I'm so sorry that's the hand you were dealt OP.

I hope you have a lovely wedding and marriage.

Regarding wedding invitations I'd invite only who I actually wanted there on the day with me and feel no obligation whatsoever to these two.

It's a tough one OP.

It sounds like she is trying, in her own way, to reconcile, however, she's been a bitch to a lot of people, including her own DC, for decades.

First of all, family reunions at weddings are a bad idea. Could you meet before then and decide if you want to invite her?

Also if you are having a big wedding, it would be very easy not to actually meaningfully interact with them all day. If it's a small wedding, every person who is attending has more of an impact.

This, absolutely agree she's likely to be doing it because she's thinking she'll get top table status as partner of father of the bride!

Thats his problem not ops. Seriously did you read anything the op said. He's been enabling his wife's poor behaviour for many years. She's doesn't owe her dad any consideration

@Peaceandquietandacuppa Has got it right. Now might be the time to have a fairly good boundary even if it means letting go of your Dad. He let go of you decades ago.

To be fair i wouldnt invite your father either…

It’s your wedding, have it your way. If dad chooses not to come, well that’s his choice.
I had far too many people at my wedding who were there because I ‘had’ to invite them.

From all you have described, I wouldn't consider inviting her
Enjoy your day 🎈

I think you get back what you put in with regards to relationships.
Your father & his wife don't deserve any consideration, especially not on your wedding day!
Do you have a relationship with your siblings (from their marriage)? And have they been invited?
How does your brother feel about your father & his wife?
I would also consider their feelings when making my decision.
It is your wedding, invite the people who you love and who want to see you happy 😊
Congratulations 🎊

Please don’t invite her so that you can keep your own peace.

Absolutely no chance would I invite her after the way she treated you as children, not allowing you in their family home due to apparent "preferential treatment" over her daughters who weren't your fathers anyway and not allowing you to meet your actual two half siblings till they were teens.

If my dad didn't come, so be it. I'd risk that to not have someone there on such a special day who had been so hostile towards me over the years. I wouldn't want anything making me feel uncomfortable on the lead up to and on my wedding day.

I would invite her so not to continue the drama myself (unless she has a history of drunk volatility in which case leave her off the invite list). Personally that is the option I would find easiest to live with.

YANBU but I think I probably would invite her if he’s offered to pay. She won’t come, if she does who cares.

I'd be angry at your DF too. He never invited you to his wedding to 'keep the peace.' He also withheld your siblings for years denying you a relationship.
Your SM might be deeply unpleasant but your DF enabled her.

How does it put him if a difficult position? Also why the hell would she want to go?

If it were me I wouldn’t be inviting either of them tbh.

I was going to write how can she possibly expect an invite, is she demanding one just so she can have the pleasure of declining it, then I saw your update; it sounds like she has had a change of heart, maybe the stuff with her own daughters has made her transfer her attention to you, here "spare family" maybe?

It is completely up to you where you go from here. You could try to have a relationship based on her new overtures, the first step would be an invite which I think she would accept. But maybe it is too little too late or you think she is doing it for her own ends/gratification, in which case it sounds like you might as well blow them both off.

No I wouldn’t invite her but as I’m going through the menopause I don’t give a damn about hurting the feelings of people who don’t care about me.
I’d also make it clear to your dad that if he doesn’t like it then he can stay away. I’d remind him that you were not invited to his wedding.
Sod her would be my thoughts.
There will be some ulterior motive as to why she has trying to worm her way back into your life. Probably that her own dcs don’t want her anywhere near their children, or further children and she is well aware of that.

I wouldn't invite her. But my Dad had a relationship with a similar type that imploded all on its own because of her, well, just being an awful person, and after that happens it's easier to justify why you felt as you did. You're obviously not at that point yet as they are still married. But stick to your guns and do what feels right for you because in the fullness of time, people who do that usually find themselves justified. Enjoy your day and don't give her the headspace.

That should go to both of them. The father is as much at fault, even more so - as he should have stood up to her to support his child. He shouldn't be invited either.

Given what you’ve said about how your dad prioritised his relationship with a woman who victimized his young children, I probably wouldn’t be that bothered about having him there. I’d be inclined to text him something like - Dad, you didn’t even invite me to your wedding, why you think you get to demand a plus one to mine is beyond me.

Mainly though, I’d say don’t invest too much emotional energy in her. Don’t think about her, don’t fret about whether you should have her at your wedding or not. Don’t spend time thinking about how to manage her. Think about the people you care about and act in ways that help you with those relationships.

Do you want your dad at your wedding? If you do, then invite her. Don’t think about her being there, think about your dad being there. Treat her civilly but distantly. Don’t give her head space. If you aren’t that bothered about your dad, then don’t invite her and don’t fret about your dad’s reaction to that.