Not inviting my Dads wife to my wedding?

[JSS94]

Long long long story short - My dad has been with his wife for 20+ years in which I have not seen/spoken to her since I was of primary school age. I'm now 31 years old.

From what I know this is because she believed myself and my two brothers received preferential treatment to her two daughters (not my dad's daughters). My dad's wife excluded herself from my our side of the family and did not allow me and my brothers to meet our two half siblings she and my dad went on to have until their teenage years.

From what I have heard, my dads wife finds it difficult to keep friends, has fallen out with her own two daughters multiple times and currently one of her daughters refuses to even be in the same room as her due to her own personal reasons.

It's also important to note that myself and two brothers were never invited to my dad and his wife's wedding.

AIBU to not want her there on my big day? My dad had asked that she is invited to 'keep the peace' in his home and even offered the money to pay for her 'per head' cost on the day.

Your dad won't come if she doesn't. It's that simple.

You have a weak dad who didn't stand up for you. I'd be far more angry about that because it sounds like he took the Happy Wife Happy Life vow over being a dad.

So I think I'd either dig in and say no, she can't come or, if you're trying to ignore your dad's failings, just have them both there and gloss over it

Simple...don't invite either of them 🤷🏼‍♀️ nobody needs this fuckwittery in their lives. The wedding is a new beginning, have a fab stress free day and move on.

I think this is one where you can reasonably be completely selfish. You don't owe either of them anything. If it is important to you to have your Dad there, and he won't come without her, and you are sure she won't make a scene, invite her. If not, then don't invite her, and don't give it another thought.

Don't even consider inviting either of them.

I would respond to my dad to keep his money and go and buy a backbone.

did not allow me and my brothers to meet our two half siblings she and my dad went on to have until their teenage years.
Why blame her? He didn't introduce you to your half-siblings. Left it to her to do when they were teens? What a waste of space.

He has excluded himself from the wedding by his own pathetic behaviour imo.

Tell both of them to eff all the way off.

Not sure why you're even inviting your father: he's a pathetic non-parent who kept your siblings from you, too.
His "keeping the peace" only extends to keeping her happy, not you.

Don't invite either of them. Cut them out of your life completely. You will never win with her and sounds like your father is in an abusive relationship

With your update, inviting her and hoping she wouldn't come doesn't work (it wasn't a safe bet from the beginning, but now it is clearly out of question).

It sounds there is a risk she would try to use the opportunity to show/work on how much she IS the family. And she wouldn't interpret the lack of invitation in context of all your history, she would see it through her current interest.

How much would it matter to you if your father won't come?

I wouldn’t have either of them. Utterly incomprehensible to me that a man should treat his child the way your father did. To hell with his “peace”.

Don’t do it. I invited my so called biological father’s wife to my wedding She ruined it. She has also ruined my big birthday dinner that my father insisted they came uninvited to . Just don’t if you want to enjoy your day.

It’s your wedding. If you don’t want her there, don’t invite her.

If you don’t really mind and have a spare place, then invite her, but certainly take up your dad’s offer to pay for her.

It sounds like neither she nor your dad have played much of a role in your life. They didn’t want you at their wedding. They didn’t welcome you into their new family as a child, so you couldn’t meet your half-siblings. So, why would she expect to come? Sounds like your dad’s lucky to have an invite.

Invite people who’ve always been there for you and/or who you’ll enjoy having at the wedding to celebrate with.

And if you don’t want her being known to your kids as ‘nanny’, make that clear too. It’s extremely presumptuous for even a loving ‘stepmother’ to do that without asking. But especially one who cut you out of her life as a child and denied you the chance to spend time with your half-siblings.

Not unreasonable at all.

She is clearly entering her FO stage of the FA&FO process.

She isn't in touch with her own biological kids. She didn't want you or your brother around. She doesn't manage to keep any sort of friendship/relationship going.

I'm with you here @JSS94 - your dad comes or not but she definitely doesn't deserve an invitation. Also your dad needs to be reminded that this is your day he's talking about and there is zero guarantee that she wouldn't try to pull a stunt of some sort on the day so no, she doesn't get to come to your wedding. Too much water has gone under that bridge to start wanting to play happy families with her.

yanbu, your SM is clearly either extremely unkind or mentally ill and your dad is a mug and a shit dad to have allowed that all to happen or being abused.

Id never invite her. It’s up to your dad if he comes (sounds like he won’t).

Either your dad has finally insisted: unlikely.
Or she’s fallen out with her own kids and is scraping the barrel to have family- using you: more likely.

Id be blanking her personally.

If you don't invite her then he isn't going to come. He lives with her and can't face the arguments that it would cause. I'd invite her so your dad can come.

Personally, in your situation I wouldn't invite either of them. DF has not been supportive of you and your siblings growing up. He is not entitled to be at your wedding simply because he is you biological father.
Find another, kind, gentle, genuine supportive person to give you away.
Have a wonderful wedding too

My dad prioritised his new family over his existing children, much to my step mother's delight. When things started to go south for them, he was keen to be back in my life, but it was too late. I needed a supportive, loving dad when I was little and struggling with divorced parents, school, being a teenager, going to university etc.

By the time I was in my late 20s and he was getting divorced, he was just some guy that I didn't really have that shared history with, so his attempts to insert himself back into my life were tragically pathetic. I didn't need him and what he brought to my life was mostly bad memories and stress rather than love and support. He never understood that he couldn't just 'pause' our relationship while it suited him and then pick it up when he was at a loose end.

All of which is to say that you cannot make up for being shitty to a child once they are an adult - the dynamic is so different once you've demonstrated that your love isn't unconditional, and as the child in that situation, it's understandably hard to muster up any enthusiasm for helping an uninterested parent righting their past wrongs at the expense of your peace of mind.

I wouldn't be inviting either of them. She sounds a nightmare and he's a pathetic excuse for a father.

It's your wedding and you should invite who you want there and not to 'keep the peace' in someone else's house. I wouldn't even have invited your dad to be honest - he went along with her behaviour. Personally I would not have her there no matter who is paying and if your dad asks why - send him what you have written above.

I'd be concerned that she would come and cause drama on the day.

I'd be inclined to not invite either of them. They're too much like hard work.
Your Dad didn't invite you to his wedding and got over it. He'll have to get over you doing the same.

I wouldn’t invite someone who clearly dislikes me.

From experience - keeping the peace is only about your Dad. He wants an easy life. The only peace he is interested in is his own. Not yours.

My dad had asked that she is invited to 'keep the peace' in his home

This man refused to allow you to meet your half siblings until they were teenagers, so I presume you were never allowed into his home growing up, no weekends with him, no visits for tea with him after school, nothing. Why does he think he has any place to demand anything of you after decades spent being a piss poor excuse of a father and a man?

As for his wife finally deciding she wants to be in your family, I presume she has finally isolated her own children with her behaviour and in a desperate attempt at not publicly appearing as a total weapons-grade arsehole she has glommed on to you and your DC. As soon as she signed that card to your child as "from Nanny" I would have blocked all contact with the pair of them. If they were genuine about repairing this relationship she would start with an apology to her stepkids and your father would start by not placing any expectations on you, both would acknowledge the hurt and harm they have caused not only to you and your brothers but to the relationship betwwen you and your half siblings. I would not have either of these people at your wedding. They can rebuild a relationship with you after the wedding if you all want that, but they don't get to play happy families at your expense.

You weren’t invited to your OWN DADS WEDDING because she didn’t want you there? and now your dad wants you to make HIS home life easier?
Nah. They can both get fucked. I’d be tempted not to invite him either tbh!
Dont even feel a single bit of guilt over this op.

You could be talking about my dad! His wife was a witch, he passed a few years ago, had a mirror will so she got the lot and I haven't seen her since the wake.