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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting my Dads wife to my wedding?

166 replies

JSS94 · 09/02/2025 19:33

Long long long story short - My dad has been with his wife for 20+ years in which I have not seen/spoken to her since I was of primary school age. I'm now 31 years old.

From what I know this is because she believed myself and my two brothers received preferential treatment to her two daughters (not my dad's daughters). My dad's wife excluded herself from my our side of the family and did not allow me and my brothers to meet our two half siblings she and my dad went on to have until their teenage years.

From what I have heard, my dads wife finds it difficult to keep friends, has fallen out with her own two daughters multiple times and currently one of her daughters refuses to even be in the same room as her due to her own personal reasons.

It's also important to note that myself and two brothers were never invited to my dad and his wife's wedding.

AIBU to not want her there on my big day? My dad had asked that she is invited to 'keep the peace' in his home and even offered the money to pay for her 'per head' cost on the day.

OP posts:
KevinAndTracy · 09/02/2025 19:58

How is your relationship with your Dad?

I'm not sure I'd be inviting either of them tbh as it sounds like your Dad has been very passive in allowing his wife to block you from having a relationship with your stepsiblings and not inviting you to their wedding

Moveoverdarlin · 09/02/2025 19:58

I’d say ‘Look Dad, did Sue invite me to YOUR wedding to keep the peace? No she did not, in fact she has done everything to keep me at arms length for the last 20 years. She has not been remotely interested in me. But I’m a better person than she is and I refuse to be as spiteful as she has been - so yes I will invite her to my wedding but she better behave otherwise that’s it. Oh and thanks, I will take the £100 to cover her ‘per head’.

Branleuse · 09/02/2025 19:59

Id not invite either of them. Fuck that

Love51 · 09/02/2025 20:01

You can only keep the peace when there is peace. What you have with her is estrangement. If you want to move towards contact, a high stakes day like a wedding is not the occasion. If you really want your dad there, insist on a meal together well in advance of the wedding.

LouOver · 09/02/2025 20:01

Ready to say YABU but agree with other posters. Why does your dad get an invited? Is he getting pride of place walking you down the aisle as well?

pestowithwalnuts · 09/02/2025 20:07

Your father wants you to invite her so it makes for a peaceful home life for him
Id tell him to eff off

Darby3785 · 09/02/2025 20:07

I was about to say YABU too when I saw the title of your post!

If you were just not inviting her due to the fact she's just your stepmum but she's been present in your life along with your Dad, I would tell you that you're wrong to not invite her

But...how can she expect an invite when her behaviour has been appalling! If your Dad can't see it and chooses not to attend, then that is his regret to have!

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 09/02/2025 20:10

Given that your Dad and his wife didn’t invite you to their wedding, I think you should invite them both or neither of them really. Or do what you want but your Dad may not come if you don’t invite her so depends on how much you want him there. She sounds awful.

RampantIvy · 09/02/2025 20:22

My dad had asked that she is invited to 'keep the peace' in his home

It sounds like he is in abusive relationship with her if he says this.

Livelovebehappy · 09/02/2025 20:33

I wouldn’t invite her, and would offer up the explanation you’ve give on here. If he still thinks she should be invited, I’d just leave it with him that the invite is open to him, and him alone, and he should decide if he is willing to put you first. If he doesn’t come, then you know to step back from the relationship.

Hoppinggreen · 09/02/2025 20:36

Knackeredmommy · 09/02/2025 19:49

"you're"

Show quote history

Edited as I didn't read properly, sorry

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 09/02/2025 20:36

@JSS94 Well she sounds like a delight! For me it depends how her being there would make you feel? If her being there would induce and anxiety or tension for you, no matter minor then absolutely not. If you are not fussed either way then crack on. But think about what you really want and don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed by your dad.

AnSolas · 09/02/2025 20:37

You dont want her there so no.

Given the way she helped disrupted your relationship with your Dad and (part)blocked your relationahip with your siblings you dont "owe" her.

So it depends on how much you want your dad to attend.

IMO he failed to earn an invite as his obligation was to all his children.

She should have been the adult and arranged to meet you /your brothers a few times during the 20 years. But he "let" her do that and worked to fit you around his life.

Keep the peace is short for make my life easy and ignore how that effects you on your day.

If he will not come without her he is choosing to harm your relationship by not accepting that she set the tone and the terms of your social action 20 years ago.

I would question if how much value is he adding to your life?
If you have children or big family events will he go back to arriving alone or not at all.

Is it a very large wedding?
Because everbody on your mums side will know and support you.
I am betting even if they like her your Dads side would only invite with an expectation that she wont turn up.
DH's family will on your 'side' too.

So other than Dad who can she sit with?
(Assuming Dad is not at the 'head' table)

She and her daughters may fight so not them. So who on your Dads side will end up with her?

northernballer · 09/02/2025 20:38

I didn't invite my Dad's wife to my wedding, and if he had asked I would have uninvited him.

Don't feel at all bad for not inviting her, her reaction is very much your Dad's problem to deal with.

Mrsknowitall · 09/02/2025 20:38

Me and dh don’t have a good relationship with father in laws wife, infact we can’t stand each other nevertheless we invited her to ours for fil’s sake and she didn’t come anyway thank god, if you have a good relationship with your dad then invite her and get them to stand at the edge of photos so that you can crop her out lol

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/02/2025 20:42

I’d invite her or not invite him. He’s made his allegiance clear I’m afraid OP.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2025 20:43

Do you mind if he decides not to come without her?

You've bought into the classic dynamic of blaming a woman for a man’s shitty decisions. He was responsible for all or nearly all of the things you blame her for. He made many choices that have hurt you and you’re happy to have him there. Your choice but it’s not reasonable.

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/02/2025 20:44

RampantIvy · 09/02/2025 20:22

My dad had asked that she is invited to 'keep the peace' in his home

It sounds like he is in abusive relationship with her if he says this.

Not every man (or woman) who wants to ‘keep the peace’ at the expense of others is being abused,

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 09/02/2025 20:45

If you invite her will you have drama on the seating plan? Eg will she have to be on a top table with your df?

That would be a factor as I wouldn't invite her if it only pushed the drama and fuss to the next part of the wedding planning process.

TheCatterall · 09/02/2025 20:47

@JSS94 why bother inviting a father that didn’t stand up for you and your siblings? Why is it all on her when he did nothing… anything for an easy life right? This is on him and it’s his fault you have no relationship with his wife and she’s ostracised herself from you all.

she doesn’t get an invite. If that’s a problem for him he doesn’t need to attend.

BlushDiamond · 09/02/2025 20:49

Sounds like he's used her as an excuse not to be there most of your life and nothing has changed. Is he expecting you to say no, leaving him with a good excuse not to show up for you now also.

mindutopia · 09/02/2025 20:54

I wouldn’t invite her, no. That said, your dad’s first responsibility was to protect your wellbeing as a child, not appease his partner. I’m not sure based on what you’ve said and how little your dad has prioritised you throughout your life that I’d be clambering all over to invite him either. I think he’s created a really painful and untenable situation for his children. But no, I didn’t invite any of my relatives who I hadn’t seen for 20-30 years to my wedding.

Gymnopedie · 09/02/2025 20:58

has fallen out with her own two daughters multiple times and currently one of her daughters refuses to even be in the same room as her due to her own personal reasons.

I wouldn't invite her because I wouldn't trust her not to cause trouble. She'll compare your wedding to those of her daughters, or if they're not married she'll tell you how her daughters won't be having anything so tacky/her daughters would never do that.

Or she may well just be outright mean to you personally about weight or looks. Or spill red wine on your dress. The possibilities are endless.

You don't need that, or the worry of that. No invitation. Your dad takes it however he likes. But absorb what PPs have been saying - he allowed her to do that to you.

TheseCalmSeas · 09/02/2025 20:59

NoKnit · 09/02/2025 19:42

In fairness I don't think I'd invite my Dad either since he hasn't stood up for you over the years. The whole situation sounds crazy

Same and I didn’t. There was a no tolerance to any drama or political issues at my wedding.

Waterboatlass · 09/02/2025 21:01

It's not clear why he expects you to broker peace between them at this stage.