DH won’t have my back with in-laws

[ByBoldGoldFinch]

For context, I posted this thread earlier in the week: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5268353-to-distance-myself-from-in-laws#aibu-poll

Taking on the advice from the comments, I approached my SIL at a family gathering and asked her, very politely, if we could talk. I explained that I’d heard that she’d been telling people I’d been mocking her son, and asked if she could please stop as it’s simply untrue and that I adore my nephew. She said no and that I needed to take accountability and apologise. I then asked her for examples of when I’d mocked him and she walked away from me into the sitting room, where my BIL, FIL, MIL, and DH were. I followed her and again asked her for examples. She proceeded to ignore me. She then went up to BIL/her husband and told him I was harassing her “as usual”. My DH said she was being unreasonable as im nothing but kind to her and her LB/my nephew, and he also asked her for examples of this apparent mocking. She ignored him too, and she quickly left the house, followed by BIL.
My MIL and FIL were furious with me then, telling me I should have just ignored her as we all know what she’s like, and told me how I’d made everything worse. Since this, I’ve also had unkind texts from BIL demanding I apologise and telling me how I’ve caused a wedge in the family. DH hasn’t said a word to defend me to his MIL or FIL or his brother/my BIL.

There was a family meal today organised by MIL and I wasn’t invited but DH was, on the basis that SIL will be there and MIL doesn’t want any trouble. I was really disappointed by this because SIL is the one at fault, and in private everyone has agreed with me. DH went to the meal despite knowing I felt disappointed and upset by it.

When he got home, I confronted him by saying that I don’t feel supported, and that I really feel like he should say something to his parents and his brother. I don’t want him to fall out with them, but I want them to know that they can’t treat me poorly. DH disagrees. He said he stood up for me against SIL as she’s the one who’s started all of this up, and that’s all that’s needed.
There’s a party next weekend for my FIL’s 60th which I’ve also been uninvited from in favour of SIL (MIL texted me to let me know). DH is still going, and again doesn’t understand why I’m upset.

I’m sat upstairs with my LG while DH is sat downstairs, and I just feel really alone and unsupported. DH won’t talk about it as he thinks I’m being ridiculous and that I should be grateful for all he’s done by speaking to SIL, and said he’s done more than enough to support me. I just feel numb and upset. AIBU to have expected more from DH?

Fuck that. You've got a husband problem

Your SIL sounds nuts. But if my DH was ok with me being ‘uninvited’ to family events I think I’d be rethinking the marriage altogether. He’s picked sides, and it’s not yours!

This sounds upsetting OP and I can imagine how hurtful this feels.
It is a problem with your husband though. It's his family and should feel like a major problem to him that you're treated badly. He should be thanking you and thank you for spending time with then, making you feel as if he truly understands how you feel. Instead it sounds like he's taking the easy ride and going to a party without you... WTAF!? You need to get out of that situation.

SIL is dramatic at best and everyone tiptoes around her by the sounds of it. But I’m aghast at the lack of support from your husband.

You have a husband and in laws problem. Why isn’t he sticking up for you???

He thinks he is because he spoke to SIL once (as seen in my post). That’s more than enough in his mind

I would actually consider divorce over this if my husband didn’t back me up (assuming you’re being 100% factual and reasonable).

DH needs to shape up or step out! Sorry hit no he has NOT done enough and it is not acceptable for him to accept you as uninvited without excusing himself from these events too.

Your problem here is you asked your ILs to pick between you/your DH and SIL/BIL … and they chose SIL. I guess because you and he aren’t going to cause drama like she will so even tho they don’t like her and know she’s a liar, they feel they have to appease her.

They are adult and can choose who they have at their house, as hurtful as that is. I can also see why your DH doesn’t want this is become a situation where her has to pick between you and his parents. He has stuck up for you, just not as much as you’d like.

You need to decide what YOU are going to do and put up with here? Do you want your DH not to go to family events without you? Do you want to see his parents if SIL aren’t there?

Pack a bag, take your LG, go a stay with your parents or a friend.

Have you asked him why he isn't standing up for you to his parents who have uninvited you to events? There are three issues that he needs to have your back over :

1: Sil's behaviour. He claims he has stood up for you to her by calling her out. I would expect more but maybe give him credit for this before asking what he is doing about the next two issues.

2: Bil's abusive texts. Has he said anything to him? Why is he not insisting that he apologises?

3: Pil's attack on you and them uninviting you from events. Has he told them they need to apologise for their verbal attack? Has he called them out on rescinding the invitations? Why is he attending when they have not apologised to you and are continuing the abusive behaviour?

He's chosen his birth family over his new family unit.

Now you need to make your choice.

I wish I was making this up!

I'd be seriously questioning my relationship and there's no way my DC would be going to these dinners or parties to spend time with family that disown their own mother.

What a spineless cunt....
Start planning a new life op.. Imo he has chosen his side...

I think you made an error here in picking a fight with your SIL. Of course your in laws were going to take her side. However your DH is completely out of order. He should not be tolerating you being uninvited and excluded from family events. He should be backing you up.

I'd ask him whether he'll be staying with his brother or parents when this unsupportive attitude causes a separation?
Because you will not be dropping it. You've behaved perfectly and have only asked a question. And as such you've been uninvited from two occasions already, when the person starting these issues is happy with the chaos she's started. Tell him he needs to think about this because nobody from his family is having in the correct manner including him, and you won't put up with it.

I would be considering divorce over this too. It’s no no way to be treated by the person who is supposed to love you and be your family. Shocking and hurtful behaviour.
im so sorry, you deserve so much better than this

Ask him if he is happy to be the only one earning because if these lies get back to your employer your wages will cease to exist. That thought might make the fucker think twice.

Then ask him how he's going to cope with his half of custody by himself when you divorce him or how much child support he's going to have to pay if you get the sack and can't work in your qualified career any more thanks to SIL's disgusting lies.

I'd be throwing the unsupportive bastard out or leaving myself.

If my husband left me at home while he went off with people who have shat on me, I'd go bloody nuclear.

It sounds like your DH is more concerned about his parent's feelings than yours. Unfortunately, you can't change how he behaves, you are not in control of that. What you are in control of is how you respond. You have choices:

Cut all contact with in laws and let him go to family gatherings on his own.

Try and speak with your in laws again and explain how hurt and upset you are about SILs lies - how would they feel if they were accused of mocking a child with disabilities?

Separate from your husband if you can't accept him not backing you up to his family.

Take some time to really think about what you want going forward - only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

No way would my children be spending time with in-laws and I would be looking into marriage counselling for you and DH as I am not sure I could easily forgive how he has let them treat you by uninviting you to events. To be honest I would expect a sincere apology from all involved before me and kids would see any of them again!

That’s not enough if you’re now being excluded from family events. It’s really hostile - I’d have expected him to refuse unless his wife could be there.

I'm afraid I would be telling your DH that he is far from having done enough, he clearly hasn't got your back, as if he had, he would have refused point blank to attend these family get togethers, which you have suddenly been uninvited from, and that unless he shapes up and takes MY side right now, he needn't bother coming back from his father's party next weekend. I would give him this week to decide on whether his marriage means more to him than keeping his parents AND his SIL happy, and then if he goes to the party, his bags will be packed when he comes back.

What a spineless useless lot they are OP. I really DO feel you would be better off without him and them. I'm SO sorry.

I would forget your awful in-laws and concentrate on your spineless coward of a DH. Basically everything that @BlushDiamond has said.
Your husband hasn’t got your back he is happy for his family to ostracise you and pick the SIL and her awful behaviour, I think your marriage is over. I’m so sorry.

They're doing this because they know your spineless husband will accept it.