DH won’t have my back with in-laws

[ByBoldGoldFinch]

For context, I posted this thread earlier in the week: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5268353-to-distance-myself-from-in-laws#aibu-poll

Taking on the advice from the comments, I approached my SIL at a family gathering and asked her, very politely, if we could talk. I explained that I’d heard that she’d been telling people I’d been mocking her son, and asked if she could please stop as it’s simply untrue and that I adore my nephew. She said no and that I needed to take accountability and apologise. I then asked her for examples of when I’d mocked him and she walked away from me into the sitting room, where my BIL, FIL, MIL, and DH were. I followed her and again asked her for examples. She proceeded to ignore me. She then went up to BIL/her husband and told him I was harassing her “as usual”. My DH said she was being unreasonable as im nothing but kind to her and her LB/my nephew, and he also asked her for examples of this apparent mocking. She ignored him too, and she quickly left the house, followed by BIL.
My MIL and FIL were furious with me then, telling me I should have just ignored her as we all know what she’s like, and told me how I’d made everything worse. Since this, I’ve also had unkind texts from BIL demanding I apologise and telling me how I’ve caused a wedge in the family. DH hasn’t said a word to defend me to his MIL or FIL or his brother/my BIL.

There was a family meal today organised by MIL and I wasn’t invited but DH was, on the basis that SIL will be there and MIL doesn’t want any trouble. I was really disappointed by this because SIL is the one at fault, and in private everyone has agreed with me. DH went to the meal despite knowing I felt disappointed and upset by it.

When he got home, I confronted him by saying that I don’t feel supported, and that I really feel like he should say something to his parents and his brother. I don’t want him to fall out with them, but I want them to know that they can’t treat me poorly. DH disagrees. He said he stood up for me against SIL as she’s the one who’s started all of this up, and that’s all that’s needed.
There’s a party next weekend for my FIL’s 60th which I’ve also been uninvited from in favour of SIL (MIL texted me to let me know). DH is still going, and again doesn’t understand why I’m upset.

I’m sat upstairs with my LG while DH is sat downstairs, and I just feel really alone and unsupported. DH won’t talk about it as he thinks I’m being ridiculous and that I should be grateful for all he’s done by speaking to SIL, and said he’s done more than enough to support me. I just feel numb and upset. AIBU to have expected more from DH?

@ByBoldGoldFinch My MIL and FIL dislike her due to her dishonesty, and have moaned about her to me and DH, but they keep their opinions away from their son/my BIL, as they don’t want to risk upsetting him and pushing him away. BUT it appears they are fine with pushing you away from the family unit?? even though they know she is habitually dishonest??? are kids invited to this party?? my kid would certainly not be going anywhere without me! hubby needs to be ditched because he is too much of a sap to stand up for your with your lying sil who cannot come up with one instance of you insulting her child! pil both need their heads looked at, because they are now pandering to a liar!! start getting ducks in a row because this situation is not going to improve any time soon! Your sil must be sitting there feeling so smug that her lies have won through!(the quote is from your previous thread which I did not see but it is very relevant to this thread)

It isn't enough at all and I would be absolutely livid with my DH if this was the pathetic extent of his support for me. Your DH's position should be "If you uninvite my wife, I won't be there either". It's outrageous that after she and your BIL left the previous gathering, your MIL and FIL agreed that she's the problem, but won't actually say this to her - why does she have the whip hand? They should tell her straight that she's the one who started this unpleasantness and unless she stops and learns to behave herself, she won't be invited to future family gatherings. And your DH needs to grow a pair too!

I wouldn't have confronted her at a family gathering. In fact I wouldn't have confronted her at all. It was pointless and it was never going to achieve anything. Did you honestly think she would apologize or change her ways?

I'd have just stopped going to things when she was there and I'd have let other people know what she was doing.

Does your FIL and MIL help,out with finances or childcare? Do you have to see them?

He is going to family events without you. That is completely unsupportive. I would seriously rethink your relationship. He is being disloyal and by socialising with his SIL, he is giving tacit approval to her defamatory remarks about you that could impact your career.

If I were you, I would voluntarily completely pull back from your in-laws and refuse to allow your little girl to be in their company as she could hear untrue and unfair information about her own mother.

Your DH is being a total dick.

Your SIL sounds like a nightmare. They are taking her side because I can imagine they don’t get to see her child if they fall out with her as she’s such a nightmare. If your DH stopped attending a couple of things you’ve been uninvited too they'd realise SIL isn’t the only one who can change the dynamics.

I would reconsider my marriage if he really goes!

You have done nothing wrong. Your SIL has told despicable, damaging and dangerous lies about you to a large number of people, some of whom you are barely acquainted with. Instead of parents in law supporting you, their response and actions are indicating their loyalties are with her and by extension they are validating her lies.
The same applies to your husband. By attending events without you he is sending a message to the wider family and friends group that you have done something wrong. He supported you in a closed 'safe space' but has not displayed that support outside of that.
Your MIL uninviting you to the party is mean and nasty. She complains that her other DIL is lying but is a coward and won't challenge her. Instead she punishes you because no one will challenge the liar.
You have big decisions to make about their treatment of you. Your husband has shown that his loyalties are to his parents and brother therefore by extension to SIL too. Your husband needs to understand how his lack of ongoing support is not acceptable. Meanwhile block all of his family from contacting you. Protect yourself and your daughter.

I think your DH needs to talk to his parents about how out of order they are being and defend you to the last but he does need to retain a relationship with them but shouldn’t be going to events where you are dis-invited.

However you work things out with your DH, if I were you, no matter if your IL’s apologise or not, I would have nothing/very little to do with them again. Delete yourself from any group chats you are on, no visiting or outings, let your DH take care of any gifts or cards, no reminders, etc. If up to now, you spent a lot of time with your in-laws, find activities/other friendships to fill the gap.

Not everything in life should be a fight. Pick battles carefully - it is not a show of weakness, far from it. Weakness is letting your emotions override practical wisdom. If the OP forces her husband to choose between her and his parents, what good is this going to do. She confronted her SIL in a way that did not go well. It has led to even more family fallouts and in the end her husband's and child's relationship with his parents will suffer. In the end, she looks no better than her SIL. What exactly is she to gain in this fight? Except her husband having to "put up and shut up" under the guise of "having his wife's back". The is a pointless war of attrition. Far too much life is wasted on these meaningless battles. There is enough battles in life that will really need energy and brain space.

There is much wisdom in the poem DESIDERATA.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Well you we're incredibly ill advised to tackle the issue with your SiL in the way you did - how was that going to end in anything but utter disaster?

If your marriage is generally good I'd just take a huge step back from your husband's family and get on with things. Or, if you like your in-laws, see them without bil/sil present.

I would not allow my DD to visit them . It's only a matter of time until SIL accuses her of something.
Explain to your DH he is welcome to continue his relationship with them , but as he won't advocate for you how will he advocate for his DD . You will protect her by not letting them see her.

Eh? What choice did she have? Her h won't back her up. She's standing up for herself. Is she supposed to accept it?

It's shown that Her in laws are beyond toxic and she needs to go no contact with them and protect her daughter from them.

I agree with some PP that the way you went about tackling it with your SiL wasn't the best - at a family gathering she is never going to admit she was wrong. When she said you needed to apologise I think you should have just left it there and just said there is no evidence so nothing to apologise for. Asking for evidence and examples is engaging and you can't fight crazy with logic. So I'd maybe apologise to whoever it was that held the gathering for that. However I can see why you did it, you have been pushed to the end of what you can put up with from her.

But agree your husband should have your back more. Yes he said some words to show his support of you. But how can he honestly not see that by going to events where you are uninvited, that

1. It shows he condones the uninviting
2. It looks like he is siding with his family over you rather than showing support
3. It will fuel the fire of the rumours if anyone doesn't know your SiL and disbelieve her

I'd be telling your PiL you are extremely disappointed that the family are effectively choosing someone who has behaved horribly over someone who has stuck up for herself calmly on one occasion

And I'd not be letting my child near a family that tolerate lies being told about their mother in front of them

If sil is a known trouble maker in the family then confronting her head on at a family meet up was never going to go well. Especially as sil genuinely seems to believe that the OP owes her an apology.

OP could have ignored her stirring, she could have spoken to her over the phone or met up separately to talk. She decided to poke the bear and now everyone has a pissed off bear to deal with.

I had an ex who allowed a friend to turn his entire friendship group against me. Nothing ever said to me, noone would tell me what was said but they definitely stepped back from me (to this day I've no idea what was said about me) We stayed together for a few years but eventually we broke up. 4 years on I couldn't ever really get over how he didn't stand up for me and it changed how I felt about him as I realised his friend's opinions meant more to him than my feelings.
This may be one of those moments for you OP if your DH doesn't back you up in this. Can you respect your DH if he doesn't stand up for you? Marriage counselling would be a good option here, this is something that could damage your marrige.

I couldn’t live like this for the rest of my life, all that drama I’d be packing his bags for the sake of my sanity! You need to live yourself and put yourself first don’t be a door mat! Your child doesn’t need to grow up and see their mum disrespected.

So OP should just allow her SIL to spout untrue drivel that could damage OP's professional reputation and adversely affect OP's career? She should just accept being ostracised by her DH's family, in favour of her spiteful and unhinged SIL, despite having done nothing wrong? She should not challenge her DH for not supporting her and not sticking up for her?

What a load of rubbish. OP's DH is completely in the wrong and his family are horrible.

Fuck the lot of them OP.
If by some chance you get reinvited to the gatherings, do not go.
Show them how hurt you are.
I hope you know this is not normal behaviour at all and you are 100% in the right in this situation.
Have you got your own family to focus on and ignore the in laws?

Very similarly situation with my now ex in-laws.

Different 'reason for it and they too never explained their reason for disliking me and ousting me from the family. Closest I got to their justification is my opinions were 'too big!'

Very hurtful and lots of tears later I've put it down to jealousy and risen above. I don't say a word and my son goes on holiday and spends every other Xmas with them.

Hurts but I suck it up.

My ex went to family events without me as i wasnt welcome. He never stuck up for me either when his family said i did xyz when i never did. Even staying away and never seeing or interacting with them didnt help, everything that went wrong was my fault somehow and ex never stood up for me.

He is now an ex. Not dealing with them anymore is bliss.

I'm in a rather similar position to you @ByBoldGoldFinch . Difference being that I decided to uninvite myself from the family holiday a few months later, which caused further rupture. I've also been told not to approach SiL to resolve due to "it's just SiL being SiL, you know what she's like, we just need to move on" from my in-laws and my DH doesn't believe SiL has the emotional intelligence to engage in a conversation with me without her gunning for me again. (Which I have to say part of me agrees with given her behaviour to date but it also feels so unfair that I'm stuck with all my feelings and am being silenced into playing happy families.

Do you actually want a relationship with your SiL or do you think this is an opportunity for you to distance yourself apart from when kids are seeing their cousins? I will say I'd be upset if my DH went to events knowing I wasn't invited anymore. Is he able to really empathise and see your position? (I think it's likely hard for him if the narrative in his family has always been 'keep SiL happy at all costs and ignore poor behaviour').

what a bizarre bunch of people. I'd ask him to go and stay at his parents for a week and seriously think about what choices he is making.

She cannot be allowed by you or them to go around lying about you. especially something so serious that could affect your job. it's ridiculous he needs to grow a backbone.

ILs need to confront this head-on and stop letting her walk all over them. Don't stand for it, force his hand.

How is she 100% right when her judgement was poor in the way she chose to take her SIL to task. It is not okay to exercise poor judgement, create a mess and expect everyone to "have your back". Does the OP have no accountability for the part she has played in turning this into a mess?

If standing up for yourself means exercising poor judgement and being overcome by a need to vent or be seen as right, then standing up for yourself is the easiest thing in the world. It requires no thought or judgement. Just bull-in-a china-shop approach and expecting to be "backed-up".

OP, by all means, LTB. I do not think your in-laws need to be dealing with a situation where it is not possible for them to have their sons visit them at the same time because of their daughters-in-law demands. If you LTB at least he will be able to visit his parents with his daughter without there being a drama. That way everyone wins. You get to step away from that family, your ex will be able to visit his parents and see his brother, your daughter get to see her grandparents from time to time. Perhaps it is the best thing to do.

she was going around telling other extended family members her lies and they were messaging OP telling her to apologise to her DN.

I think people are minimising the lies. Going around telling all and sundry that OP mocked her disabled nephew for his disability is extremely out of order. In what world could OP just ignore that?

Point is, she can tell her family anything she likes. There's nothing you can do about that. If they then contact you telling you to apologise you can then tell them not to be ridiculous, you never said any such thing and then disengage. Block them - it's her family, you've no need to have anything to do with them and no need to care what they think.