DH won’t have my back with in-laws

[ByBoldGoldFinch]

For context, I posted this thread earlier in the week: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5268353-to-distance-myself-from-in-laws#aibu-poll

Taking on the advice from the comments, I approached my SIL at a family gathering and asked her, very politely, if we could talk. I explained that I’d heard that she’d been telling people I’d been mocking her son, and asked if she could please stop as it’s simply untrue and that I adore my nephew. She said no and that I needed to take accountability and apologise. I then asked her for examples of when I’d mocked him and she walked away from me into the sitting room, where my BIL, FIL, MIL, and DH were. I followed her and again asked her for examples. She proceeded to ignore me. She then went up to BIL/her husband and told him I was harassing her “as usual”. My DH said she was being unreasonable as im nothing but kind to her and her LB/my nephew, and he also asked her for examples of this apparent mocking. She ignored him too, and she quickly left the house, followed by BIL.
My MIL and FIL were furious with me then, telling me I should have just ignored her as we all know what she’s like, and told me how I’d made everything worse. Since this, I’ve also had unkind texts from BIL demanding I apologise and telling me how I’ve caused a wedge in the family. DH hasn’t said a word to defend me to his MIL or FIL or his brother/my BIL.

There was a family meal today organised by MIL and I wasn’t invited but DH was, on the basis that SIL will be there and MIL doesn’t want any trouble. I was really disappointed by this because SIL is the one at fault, and in private everyone has agreed with me. DH went to the meal despite knowing I felt disappointed and upset by it.

When he got home, I confronted him by saying that I don’t feel supported, and that I really feel like he should say something to his parents and his brother. I don’t want him to fall out with them, but I want them to know that they can’t treat me poorly. DH disagrees. He said he stood up for me against SIL as she’s the one who’s started all of this up, and that’s all that’s needed.
There’s a party next weekend for my FIL’s 60th which I’ve also been uninvited from in favour of SIL (MIL texted me to let me know). DH is still going, and again doesn’t understand why I’m upset.

I’m sat upstairs with my LG while DH is sat downstairs, and I just feel really alone and unsupported. DH won’t talk about it as he thinks I’m being ridiculous and that I should be grateful for all he’s done by speaking to SIL, and said he’s done more than enough to support me. I just feel numb and upset. AIBU to have expected more from DH?

I am sorry this is happening to you and I feel your pain. A few months ago I confided in my DP about some of his mother’s nasty comments and while on the face of it he dealt with the the right way by talking to her, he completely withdrew emotionally and physically from me. This was all happening to us just after we had our baby. It was a very lonely and devastating time and I tried to reason with him but that was that. I have since left him and took our baby with me. Some men will always see his parents as their primary family and excuse every behaviour coming from them

MIL went NC with me as she blames me for something. What she blamed me for was in no way my fault and no other member of the family disputes this. DH, as a result of this has gone NC with his 'D'M. He's a keeper!

If my DH did this accross me, there would be some very harsh words.

I'm so sorry your DH wasn't more supportive and went to the meal! He really hasn't done enough! How can he possibly be ok with going today knowing you, his wife has been excluded for no real reason other than you outed your SIL for telling lies!

I would be looking for a way out of your marriage if he even contemplated going your FILs party next week. It will be hard for your DH to not go as its his Dad but standing up for you is now necessary otherwise this behaviour continues!

What a horrible family

Causing a scene is the original sin in my family too. Your SIL sounds difficult but you created an awkward situation and sidelining you is their way of making sure that doesn’t happen again.

That. I'm sorry but it was a really bad idea to confront your SIL at a family gathering.
You are seen to have caused the upset, and while your PILs hadn't been fond of her before, they will have been annoyed with you for having caused a scene at their house, leaving them to have to try to calm things down. And they'll empathise with her for having been put in an embarrassing situation.

Having said that, your DH should not be going to meals at theirs without you. I accept that his dad's big birthday would be a difficult one for him to miss, but he should still be advocating for you being there (on a promise of you keeping away from SIL)

Why on earth is your DH going to a family do when you've been uninvited?

Any person with a modicum of self respect would refuse to go to a family do if their partner was uninvited? Does he have no dignity to let his family treat his partner like that??

Your PIL seem terrified to upset the other SIL...prob because she'd stop them seeing their grandchild. Hence they've 'taken her side'.

Your 'd'H doesn't have your back at all. And if he continues to socialise with them, in events that you have been dis-invited to, you need to consider couples counselling and if he won't do that, he can speak to your solicitor about your divorce petition; what would he rather?. What an arsehole; selling you off for his precious mummy and brother...fuck that.

The thing you will never really trust any of them again, the BIL/SIL, the MIL/FIL and worst of all your husband. I would feel so utterly betrayed if I had been 'banned' from attending a family gathering yet my husband chose to attend without me. I don't know how you come back from this ..... He has shown his true colours.

What do you plan to do OP?

Stick up for yourself op.
If you need your man or others to stick up for you you need to re think.

He’s trying to please everyone and ending up pleasing no one
having been in a similar position to him I can assure you it’s horrendous
ultimately it very easy for you to kick in laws to the kerb in this situation. It’s not an easy for him to cut himself off from his own mum and dad

Yeah, he sounds like an absolute prick. How can he consider going to a family party you've been uninvited from? Im sorry OP If I had somewhere to go, I'd go, id really feel as if I'd been kicked out of the family and that my OH wasn't actually trying to make sure I still had my place in it.

How mean of your IL.Can’t imagine what they think will become of this. I would be taking your DC and having a lovely day out whilst DH goes to celebrate FIL’s birthday.

But she’s allowed to tell family that I mock her son when I don’t? Surely that causes more harm than me defending myself?

@ByBoldGoldFinch you're right you were absolutely in your right there!

LTB is said far too easily on mn. In this case, I definitely would leave him! He has made his decision very clearly, he has chosen his family over his wife. You could have chosen a more appropriate place to confront her, however, this does not equate to him not backing you up. It's truly awful, he is not your safe person anymore, I would lose all respect for my husband, he's a weak spineless coward.

OP you need to decide what you want out of this. Otherwise, you will get consumed in your feelings about being wronged.

It wasn't a great idea to confront her in this way and drag everyone into it by insisting in your continued questioning of her even when it was clear she was not engaging and would play the victim.

Whilst there is a possibility she may threaten you job situation, surely this is very remote? I would not use this as something to strengthen your argument. It is enough to make a point that it is untrue rather than engage in high drama.

There are some people, who are genuine narcissistic. Your SIL sounds like she may be like that. They lie for no obvious reason and everyone around them learn to ignore and avoid them. Sometimes, that genuinely is the best way of dealing with these people. No joy comes from "confronting" them. It is a waste of your time,

Ultimately, decide whether your SIL is someone you want to waste any energy on and if you decide you don't, live your life as if she does not exist. Stop trying to confront her as if you are dealing with a reasonable person and don't put others in a position where they need to "speak sense to" or challenge a narcissistic person. There is no success with such people. Only chaos and pain for others. Your clear evidence is she has successfully caused a rift between you and your in-laws and your husband when previously there was no such rift.

There is probably nothing your husband or in-laws can say or do that will get at this SIL. She will be the perfect victim and simply cause terrible chaos for all of you. If you think her accusation about your mocking her son is bad, wait till you hear what else she will say. Do you really think someone who can lie for no obvious reason will be stopped by rational reasoning? She will simply make up even more egregious lies.

Don't engage with this person and don't let her ruin your relationships.

Going against the tide here, but you don't need to force an us/me/them confrontation.
I know a couple where the husband's mother took increasingly against the wife after marriage, after the children / grandchildren were born. It was irrational, probably caused partly by strokes, but MIL became increasingly convinced that DIL was the source of endless nastiness and problems.
DIL withdrew, didn't go with husband to visit MIL again, but encouraged DH to take the grandchildren to see their grandmother, etc. DH and grandchildren had a good relationship with their mother / grandmother.
The advantage of this - DH didn't have to pick between wife and mother, grandchildren got to benefit from a good relationship with their grandmother, grandmother got to see her grandchildren.
It might not be easy to do, but I can see serious advantages.

Horrible that they’ve chosen her over you when they all know she’s a liar.

I think I would just cut them all off. Block their numbers, refuse to see them and stop doing anything for them (birthdays etc) then think about whether you and DH can get past this.

Or maybe, just let them know they’ve picked the wrong SIL. Because BIL’s wife is a self centred compulsive liar and she’ll turn against them one day because that’s what people like her do. Whereas you would have been a kind and supportive DIL who would always have been there for them. But their choice. Over and out.

I’m just imagining the DH standing alone like a lemon at the family gathering when his wife isn’t there. Pathetic.

No one is allowing her to lie. She will lie because she can and she is just that type of person. Do you really think she will stop lying because you confront her or your in-laws confront her? What do you want them to do and how do you see this playing out? What did you think would happen when you confronted her? With people like her, there is no end to the drama and ultimately, everyone's mental health suffers when they try to engage reasonably with someone like this. Sometimes the best thing is to tolerate and avoid. No joy comes from trying to make such people see sense.

No, she's not allowed to do that. But this:

It wasn't a great idea to confront her in this way and drag everyone into it by insisting in your continued questioning of her even when it was clear she was not engaging and would play the victim.

There were far better ways to have that conversation with her. You shouldn't have done it on your PIL's turf and dragged everyone into it.

You basically fuelled her problem with you, and made things much worse.

My partner would never let his family treat me like this. And I know for a fact he would pick me over then and u reasonable behaviour. Sorry I would get rid of the husband

You are the path of least resistance. Its easier to exclude you from family functions than her because you won't kick off, make up lies and cause problems. Your H isn't being supportive. He went to a family function that you were excluded from. He doesn't have your back. My husband wouldn't attend something I had been uninvited from. Thet are being unfair and unreasonable because they are scared of her. I'd actually consider divorcing his arse. He's not demonstrating any loyalty to you.

This.

What more do you need to know.

He's a disloyal, spineless wimp.