DH won’t have my back with in-laws

[ByBoldGoldFinch]

For context, I posted this thread earlier in the week: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5268353-to-distance-myself-from-in-laws#aibu-poll

Taking on the advice from the comments, I approached my SIL at a family gathering and asked her, very politely, if we could talk. I explained that I’d heard that she’d been telling people I’d been mocking her son, and asked if she could please stop as it’s simply untrue and that I adore my nephew. She said no and that I needed to take accountability and apologise. I then asked her for examples of when I’d mocked him and she walked away from me into the sitting room, where my BIL, FIL, MIL, and DH were. I followed her and again asked her for examples. She proceeded to ignore me. She then went up to BIL/her husband and told him I was harassing her “as usual”. My DH said she was being unreasonable as im nothing but kind to her and her LB/my nephew, and he also asked her for examples of this apparent mocking. She ignored him too, and she quickly left the house, followed by BIL.
My MIL and FIL were furious with me then, telling me I should have just ignored her as we all know what she’s like, and told me how I’d made everything worse. Since this, I’ve also had unkind texts from BIL demanding I apologise and telling me how I’ve caused a wedge in the family. DH hasn’t said a word to defend me to his MIL or FIL or his brother/my BIL.

There was a family meal today organised by MIL and I wasn’t invited but DH was, on the basis that SIL will be there and MIL doesn’t want any trouble. I was really disappointed by this because SIL is the one at fault, and in private everyone has agreed with me. DH went to the meal despite knowing I felt disappointed and upset by it.

When he got home, I confronted him by saying that I don’t feel supported, and that I really feel like he should say something to his parents and his brother. I don’t want him to fall out with them, but I want them to know that they can’t treat me poorly. DH disagrees. He said he stood up for me against SIL as she’s the one who’s started all of this up, and that’s all that’s needed.
There’s a party next weekend for my FIL’s 60th which I’ve also been uninvited from in favour of SIL (MIL texted me to let me know). DH is still going, and again doesn’t understand why I’m upset.

I’m sat upstairs with my LG while DH is sat downstairs, and I just feel really alone and unsupported. DH won’t talk about it as he thinks I’m being ridiculous and that I should be grateful for all he’s done by speaking to SIL, and said he’s done more than enough to support me. I just feel numb and upset. AIBU to have expected more from DH?

So, he doesn't seem bothered that you've been dis-invited? Presumably, he thinks the party would be more enjoyable without you there? Yup, he's a keeper.

How might this look through the lens of your PILs viewpoint? (I ask this as a parent of adult dcs in a very different but comparable situation)

Imagine, your PIL have 2 dc, each with partner and child. dc1 has reasonable and stable partner and healthy child, dc2 has child with challenges and a partner who is not managing well / isn't particularly likeable / possibly has mh issues and lies.

Despite their preferences for the whole situation and ambience with dc1 and family, dc2 (and family) needs more support. They ask dc1 and family to tolerate the poor behaviour. But if they don't - what do PIL do?

Rock and a hard place.

And now the situation has happened, your dh is similarly caught between a rock and a hard place. This is not something you can win.

He's not on your side. He's shown his true colours it's not even about SIL now. You should consider how this leaves your marriage if he doesn't protect you.

OP, do not create unnecessary tension in your marriage over this. Not everything in life should be viewed as a competition. There is no need to ask your husband to choose between you and his parents. That really cannot lead to any good outcome no matter how you look at it.

At the core of this, as @moderndilemma said, is people trying to deal with a rock and a hard place. Your approach really was not wise but what has been done, has been done. Don't destroy your life and future over your SIL difficulties. See this for what it is and enjoy your life. Do not invite this ridiculous drama into your life. What prize is there to gain?

Good luck.

Don't destroy your life and future over your SIL difficulties

A life and a future with a disloyal H isn't one I'd want to have. SIL difficulties is one thing. H not supporting her and attending functions she's being excluded from isn't a SIL issue it's a H issue.

My bil said some awful things about me.
I totally grey rock him now.
However when there’s a family event I encourage dh to go but he won’t.
He says that his db was mean to me and dh prioritises my feelings.

Your dh should put you first and if that means missing his df’s 60th then tough, your in-laws are extremely rude to uninvite you.

Divorce

@ByBoldGoldFinch I would also be wanting to know why your MIL chose that daughter in law to invite to FIL's 60th, over you? Particularly when you said she agrees with you privately and knows SIL is in the wrong.

@Grimshadylady What a load of 'put up & shut up, there's a good girl' 1950s nonsense

It sounds like these family gatherings are far too frequent. The last thread was only a week ago and since then there was a family gathering, a family meal and there's a party next weekend. The crux of the problem is that you all spend too much time together. It's really excessive. There was absolutely no need for your husband to go to dinner today.

No! Don’t do this. Pack HIS bag and tell him there’s no need for him to come back from the 60th if he goes.

Honestly your husband is the issue here. his attitude would have me seriously looking at a trial separation whilst considering divorce. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't have your back. You're meant to be a team.

I'd also not be allowing my daughter to go with my husband to the in-laws where you'll inevitably be talked about. I'd also not be inviting them to anything you host - birthdays Christmas etc. essentially I'd go entirely NC with all of them as with relatives like that, you don't need enemies.

I totally would cause tension about this and your husband needs to have your back. Let's be honest, people like your SIL carry on like this because they are allowed to. People let them as they want the quiet live and / or they are scared of them. They shouldn't be allowed to.

Part of the reason l divorced my first husband is he had no backbone and his mother was / is vile

It sounds like there's a consensus among your DH, BIL, and PILs that SIL can't be expected to behave reasonably, and that when she does behave unreasonably the thing to do is ignore it. Even if your DH backed you fully and did whatever you asked about these matters, neither (1) SIL's lying and abusing you nor (2) the family's enabling and protecting her would change. If PILs and BIL have made it very clear to you that no one believes SIL and everyone thinks well of you, perhaps they (and your DH) are thinking that's enough of a statement of support from them.

So, what do you want to have happen? In your last thread you said you wanted to distance yourself from DH's family and focus on your own. If he's aware of this, is it possible he actually thinks that you're happy/relieved to have an excuse not to visit his PILs? If you want him to tell them that he won't attend events where you're not invited (whether or not you choose to go) and that if they want to exclude you when SIL is there they should exclude him too and invite both of you another time, then you may have to spell that out for him. If he refuses to do that, on your specific request, I'd be pretty unimpressed with him.

@Bleachbum totally agree. It's a pathetic and unhealthy way to live. Plus showing her daughter a terrible example if she did

Maybe they should ostracize SIL instead of OP.

But they don't.

I'd honestly be telling him to leave. Haa he said how he sees this play out in the future? Are you just uninvited forever? I wouldn't be letting my child go without me either

He's a spineless coward

I would lose all respect and probably love for him

How dare he go without you!

Couldn't agree more!

He's a spineless wimp. Tell him you thought you married a real man, and move on.

Either that or waste your life being everyone else's doormat.

If you generally get on with your MIL, I’d be tempted to call her and explain that you don’t want to cause a family rift, but you’re really upset because SIL tells lies about you. Ask her why that might be and ask for her advice on what to do about it. Say that you’re also worried about your BIL and his son, because this behavior is unhealthy and damaging.

Having a Mum who constantly lies may create serious problems for their grandchild down the line- genuinely, what if she starts telling lies about his teachers/school/other students/medical professionals, etc. ?

It has to stop, they’re all burying their heads in the sand about a serious issue.

She fucking did! And look where that got her!

OP I'd be so overwhelmed with righteous fury that I'd find it impossible to even look at my husband if I were in your shoes. Not because "I don't take no shit", but because this kind of injustice would send me insane. So I'd be separating.

Maybe your DH expects you to roll over.

So sorry.

If you don't know what to do, just do nothing. But don't beg your husband to talk about this. If he can see that you're moving on from this situation without giving a shit about him or his family, he will come to you himself.

Although I don't like to rock the boat, I think you are your sils karma and you were right to question her. This is just the start of it. Let them pick her (out of fear) over you and the chickens will come home to roost eventually. Just stick around to watch the fireworks go off. And when him or his family try to come to you for family matters, just say I don't know anything can't help sorry. And seen as you have been uninvited to family gatherings, try to see your own family or friends instead to show that you have people of your own to go to. You don't need to fight or explain anything, just quietly but evidently move on and let them chase you / leave you alone.

I'm all for keeping the peace, but this is a clear injustice and you have the right to defend yourself.

@Zanina You might be right that the OP should just keep her distance and watch the fallout, although I’d be worried about the little boy and even the BIL (although it’s his own fault for not dealing with the situation).

Honestly you didn't do yourself any favours confronting her you actually just niggled for no reason. you were told ignore her you didn't. The uninvited is uour own fault sorry just take out inlaws separate to celebrate easy solved my hubby's family have done this for over 20 years .separate gathering no one divorces I just leave hubby's family to him his problem not mine easy life