DH won’t have my back with in-laws

[ByBoldGoldFinch]

For context, I posted this thread earlier in the week: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5268353-to-distance-myself-from-in-laws#aibu-poll

Taking on the advice from the comments, I approached my SIL at a family gathering and asked her, very politely, if we could talk. I explained that I’d heard that she’d been telling people I’d been mocking her son, and asked if she could please stop as it’s simply untrue and that I adore my nephew. She said no and that I needed to take accountability and apologise. I then asked her for examples of when I’d mocked him and she walked away from me into the sitting room, where my BIL, FIL, MIL, and DH were. I followed her and again asked her for examples. She proceeded to ignore me. She then went up to BIL/her husband and told him I was harassing her “as usual”. My DH said she was being unreasonable as im nothing but kind to her and her LB/my nephew, and he also asked her for examples of this apparent mocking. She ignored him too, and she quickly left the house, followed by BIL.
My MIL and FIL were furious with me then, telling me I should have just ignored her as we all know what she’s like, and told me how I’d made everything worse. Since this, I’ve also had unkind texts from BIL demanding I apologise and telling me how I’ve caused a wedge in the family. DH hasn’t said a word to defend me to his MIL or FIL or his brother/my BIL.

There was a family meal today organised by MIL and I wasn’t invited but DH was, on the basis that SIL will be there and MIL doesn’t want any trouble. I was really disappointed by this because SIL is the one at fault, and in private everyone has agreed with me. DH went to the meal despite knowing I felt disappointed and upset by it.

When he got home, I confronted him by saying that I don’t feel supported, and that I really feel like he should say something to his parents and his brother. I don’t want him to fall out with them, but I want them to know that they can’t treat me poorly. DH disagrees. He said he stood up for me against SIL as she’s the one who’s started all of this up, and that’s all that’s needed.
There’s a party next weekend for my FIL’s 60th which I’ve also been uninvited from in favour of SIL (MIL texted me to let me know). DH is still going, and again doesn’t understand why I’m upset.

I’m sat upstairs with my LG while DH is sat downstairs, and I just feel really alone and unsupported. DH won’t talk about it as he thinks I’m being ridiculous and that I should be grateful for all he’s done by speaking to SIL, and said he’s done more than enough to support me. I just feel numb and upset. AIBU to have expected more from DH?

Because the best thing you can do with people like that is ignore them. Adding fuel to the fire just makes them double down and everything worse (as can clearly be seen).

She absolutely had a choice. Her husband had done nothing wrong at that point. OP was the one who set the cat amongst the pigeons.

I absolutely agree with this.

All of that.

Before OP said anything, the parents in law believed her and thought the SIL in the wrong. But now that OP has caused a big row in their home, they've probably stayed thinking that actually, maybe SIL was right.

OP's choice of strategy in dealing with the problem has made things massively worse. If my husband had done the same I'd have been annoyed with him too, whatever the initial slight.

There are calmer and more diplomatic and effective ways of dealing with toxic people, that don't end up creating WW3 and turning people against the innocent party.

What was @ByBoldGoldFinch meant to do. Her SIL is defaming her. She telling lies that could cost @ByBoldGoldFinch her job. I would have absolutely raised it. I would have gone harder and got a cease and desist letter sent to her via my solicitor.

ETA: I'm very conflict and drama adverse but I wouldn't tolerate anyone saying that I was cruel or making derogatory comments about a 2 year old with SEN especially if I worked in a caring field.

She absolutely could have addressed it with SIL. Nowhere have I said that she shouldn't. But choosing to do so at her in-laws house with all the family present was foolish in the extreme, as the result has proved.

Whenever you husband is invited, just ingnore the 'uninvite' and go with him. What can they do? Lock you out? Don't isolate yourself or let them isolate you. That's what they want.

You’re always going to be the one pushed out now because, even though you did nothing wrong, your SIL and BIL are more trouble so excluding you is the easy option.

Your DH is a wet wipe and they know it, hence happily sitting by, watching his innocent wife get left out, bad mouthed and excluded from his family events. They were spot on, because he is happy to go without you with no fuss. All they are doing is helping SIL think she’s the innocent party, she has ‘won’ and was right all along, that you are the problem, not her.

It would make me lose so much respect for him and I’d really struggle to come back from this or trust him/his family with my child.

You need to look at how dissfunctional your DH family are. Do you really want to be part of their fucked up world. DH sounds as bad as the rest and seems quite content continuing the facade.

He either supports you as his wife or you should get rid.

Agree with this.
You tell him that it’s not enough that he once stood up for you to SIL. He needs to stand up for you every time and tell his parents that if they uninvite you then that automatically means they’re also uninviting him as he feels you’re being treated unfairly being left out, because it’s SIL who’s in the wrong. He should not be attending family events without you as that demonstrates that he’s chosen them over you.
It’s ultimatum time - either he chooses them (and the end of your marriage) or he chooses you and the continuation of your relationship.

You've just described my own situation almost to the letter. It's about DC's needs, and as far as DH is concerned it's about his choice to have a relationship with his own mother. I don't have - nor do I want - any stake in that.

DC deserves a relationship with the only grandparent they still have living, albeit she's not up to much. Contact is minimal: a few times a year at most and what there is, DH mainly initiates. But he believes it the right thing to do and I agree. I've had no contact with her at all for years and it suits me. I can do without that kind of negative presence and judgement in my life, and I can do without scenes, too.

OP - in response to this comment you made upthread: But she’s allowed to tell family that I mock her son when I don’t? Surely that causes more harm than me defending myself?

Muddled though it may seem, no, it doesn't. I've had siblings-in-law tell not dissimilar untruths about me. What I do know is that when dealing with cowardice, dishonesty and passive aggression, engaging is pointless. This sort of behaviour entails a plausible deniability which makes it impervious to rational discussion or direct methods of communication. This is intentional. If you JADE (common acronym for justify, defend, argue, explain) then they've just drawn you into their negative tailspin. You gave your SiL precisely the reaction she wanted from you and she subsequently 'won'. With people like this, the only way to win at that game is not to play.

This isn't a question of what she's 'allowed' to say and do. The upshot is you can't stop her. You can't control another person's behaviour. You can only control your own. The same now holds true with your DH. He's made his own choices.

Now make yours.

Unless your DH changes, the situation will never change, OP. He will always put his family first, not the family you have created together. So it's up to you to either find a way to accept that or don't.

I think he's wrong to show he doesn't care his family is snubbing you by going to family events without you but, if you decide you can accept this, I would just do something really fun (whatever's within budget, whether it's lunch out, a city break or a new experience more locally) with your little girl every time one of these events happen. Be prepared for more arguments with your DH as your little girl gets older though, because if you all allow this childish nonsense to continue, they will expect your child to attend events while still ostracising you, and what does this show your child in terms of the acceptable way to treat her mother?

This is your life when you marry a weak weasel of a man with a horrible family.

It will never change.
How can you have sex with him?
Stop having children and start planning to divorce him.

He's useless and doesn't care about you.
Stop wasting your life being surrounded by toxic people.

They must actually believe her and it’s you they are pretending with. Otherwise this makes no sense. At best they would invite both and if one chooses not to come that’s their choice. The fact they have uninvited you means they think you are the one in the wrong. And it can’t be wrong to approach someone over lies they told about you.
Either way your ‘d’h is very wrong in not standing by you.

At this point you know your DH doesn't have your back on this so you cannot rely on him for support in this matter.

I would be telling DH that if he goes to this 60th party alone, and doesn't bring you, then you will consider this the final nail in the coffin on your relationship with HIM and you'll be left with no option but to separate. He has shown you that you cannot rely on him, his family have swept her behaviour under the carpet for far too long because it hasn't had a direct impact on them. Well now it does.

You should make calls to a shit hot lawyer and genuinely start the ball rolling on a separation agreement which, depending on what he decides to do, may result in a divorce.

I'd also refuse to allow your little girl to be in the company of ANY of these relations because they too have shown you that when you call out shitty behaviour, it's not the person carrying out the shitty behaviour that gets ostracised it's you and you don't want your child being exposed to their negative behaviour.

Best of luck to you with this.

@whowhatwerewhy I agree and as I said upthread, the family are buying their heads in the sand about a serious problem.

The SIL has form for lying and her vulnerable son is likely to suffer for it. She’s unlikely to suddenly to stop when her son starts nursery/school, for example, she’s more likely to start lying about teachers/other pupils, etc.

If the OP can’t get the family to confront the problem, her only choice is to protect herself and her DD, because it’s going to get worse.

This is going to be of use to you @ByBoldGoldFinch because instead of it being the MiL (well it is to a smaller degree here) it's your SiL that is the boat rocker here and you're there to create ballast and steady the boat.

Time to get your DH to decide whether he's going to throw them overboard or continue to try to steady the ship! (the below was taken from Reddit and I've posted it here a few times but it's relevant here now too).

Don't rock the boat.
I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

I would be telling my husband that he needs to think very carefully over if he wants to his family over his wife and child.

And in the meantime seriously consider a divorce.

I would absolutely be considering divorce and would not be comfortable with my DC going where their mother is not welcomed. I wouldn't be able to have my DH anywhere near me. I'd never be able to look at him the same again and unless he sorts this out, I couldn't be around any of the inlaws ever again. So I'd have to separate. Sorry your DH is spineless.

Agree. I think you created drama by confronting sil at family gathering. You should have don't it privately

it's your SiL that is the boat rocker here and you're there to create ballast and steady the boat.

Except OP didn't create ballast, did she? She got into the boat and and rocked it further, to the point that it tipped over.

I'd be telling your husband that if you're not both going to the next event and he doesn't grow a pair then you are no longer part of the family and will start the divorce process.

I would be furious if my husband didn't support me with this. Does he really think it's ok that you are now just never invited to anything because of difficult SIL always being put first? He needs to take a stand and not attend until you are invited again. I kind of get the not wanting to miss the big FIL birthday, but the other stuff, no. This is considering if you want to stay with this man territory. Where's the respect?

I'd be tempted to send a link to your threads to your husband in the hope he sees that he's not done nearly enough.

There something really wrong with you if you think that OP is the bad guy in all this. She approached her SIL calmly and asked her to stop saying that OP had mocked her disabled son as she would never do anything like that and really loves her nephew. OP works with children and her SILs lies could ruin her career if her employer found out what her SIL was saying.

You have no harsh words for OP's lying SIL or disloyal husband but are tearing OP to shreds. Your previous quoting of Desiderata was obviously a hypocritical load of bollocks

Hang on. He stood up for you at the time . This is now continuing. You shouldn't have confronted your sul at a nice family gathering this should have been done in private as obviously it will cause a disagreement and drama . He stood up for you at the time. This is now continuing hes stepping back I think he's doing the right thing just letting you all sort yourselves out while he's keeping out of the drama