DH won’t have my back with in-laws

[ByBoldGoldFinch]

For context, I posted this thread earlier in the week: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5268353-to-distance-myself-from-in-laws#aibu-poll

Taking on the advice from the comments, I approached my SIL at a family gathering and asked her, very politely, if we could talk. I explained that I’d heard that she’d been telling people I’d been mocking her son, and asked if she could please stop as it’s simply untrue and that I adore my nephew. She said no and that I needed to take accountability and apologise. I then asked her for examples of when I’d mocked him and she walked away from me into the sitting room, where my BIL, FIL, MIL, and DH were. I followed her and again asked her for examples. She proceeded to ignore me. She then went up to BIL/her husband and told him I was harassing her “as usual”. My DH said she was being unreasonable as im nothing but kind to her and her LB/my nephew, and he also asked her for examples of this apparent mocking. She ignored him too, and she quickly left the house, followed by BIL.
My MIL and FIL were furious with me then, telling me I should have just ignored her as we all know what she’s like, and told me how I’d made everything worse. Since this, I’ve also had unkind texts from BIL demanding I apologise and telling me how I’ve caused a wedge in the family. DH hasn’t said a word to defend me to his MIL or FIL or his brother/my BIL.

There was a family meal today organised by MIL and I wasn’t invited but DH was, on the basis that SIL will be there and MIL doesn’t want any trouble. I was really disappointed by this because SIL is the one at fault, and in private everyone has agreed with me. DH went to the meal despite knowing I felt disappointed and upset by it.

When he got home, I confronted him by saying that I don’t feel supported, and that I really feel like he should say something to his parents and his brother. I don’t want him to fall out with them, but I want them to know that they can’t treat me poorly. DH disagrees. He said he stood up for me against SIL as she’s the one who’s started all of this up, and that’s all that’s needed.
There’s a party next weekend for my FIL’s 60th which I’ve also been uninvited from in favour of SIL (MIL texted me to let me know). DH is still going, and again doesn’t understand why I’m upset.

I’m sat upstairs with my LG while DH is sat downstairs, and I just feel really alone and unsupported. DH won’t talk about it as he thinks I’m being ridiculous and that I should be grateful for all he’s done by speaking to SIL, and said he’s done more than enough to support me. I just feel numb and upset. AIBU to have expected more from DH?

I think the OP is being treated unfairly here. It's natural to be upset when you're being accused of mocking a small child, who wouldn't want to put a stop to it. I can also see why the OP would call out SIL with witnesses present. The SIL is a liar and would have probably accused the OP of attacking her or worse. The OP felt assured by her in laws and her BIL that she was believed and that they knew SIL was lying. All in all the OP has been treated badly. Scolded like a naughty child and banished from events whilst the liar lapps up the attention. It will add fuel to her fire and she will be worse that ever. Plan a slow exit OP.

It’s amazing how someone can be a lying witch spreading awful things about someone yet she comes out of this smelling of roses and the op is a drama queen etc I think people need to realise you can’t treat people like shit and expect them to say nothing, maybe op thought the family would’ve been more supportive, but no spineless creeps who would much rather see someone being lied about and treated badly than actually stand up and tell the sil she’s in the wrong. all of them say there knowing she’s lying not one person stuck up for you? Your husband but he sounds a bit pathetic and unsupportive too.

so mil/fil are happy for her to spread about lies about their own grandson to keep the peace, I’d be avoiding them like the plague, let your husband go to gatherings I think you and your child are better off without any of them tbh.

@ByBoldGoldFinch your DH really needs to stand up for you!

If you're uninvited from the party then he shouldn't be going either.

If my DH didn't stand by me then I'd be telling him that if he goes to the party then he will find you and child gone when he gets back.

Your SIL is clearly deranged and someone needs to address the elephant in the room rather than pandering to her.

This is actually a really good point. And is a very real risk re your daughter.

My mum was her sister's target and for various reasons despite knowing my aunt was (is) unhinged and a pathological liar, pandered to it at my mum's expense for fewr of becoming the target.

My mum had been conditioned to just accept and take it. Aged 7 I then became aunt's target. Spreading utterly insane/baffling lies about me and things I'd allegedly done. Karma eventually caught up with people as in the intervening 30 years pretty much everyone has been targeted!

Exactly @mummytrex, she’s unhinged and the OP should keep her DD away from her if the family won’t address the SIL’s behavior.

As I said upthread, it’s only matter of time before the SIL starts targeting other people.

I have not said the OP is the bad guy. The OP showed poor judgement in how she dealt with someone who is known to be someone who is unreasonable, lying, etc. The outcome of the situation bears evidence to the OP's poor judgement. That does not mean the OP is a "bad guy". She just played it wrong.

People should stand up for themselves but standing up for yourself means being wise in how you are going to get on top of a situation. A bull-in-a-china shop approach, though it can be cathartic, is seldom the most effective.

Many seems to think the only way to stand up for yourself if to take a full blown aggressive approach, charging everywhere, demanding people provide evidence, demanding others have your back, regardless of the damage you are creating by an unwise approach.

Some see the best solution to this is the OP divorcing her husband. I still can't see how that is going to stop the SIL from telling lies to her family or how the OP's daughter will be saved from being around her toxic grandparents. Does this mean her husband will not be allowed to spend time with his daughter and by extension she with her grandparents?

Ultimately, the OP must decide what is the best way forward. Whatever it is, my best wishes to her.