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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To distance myself from in-laws?

24 replies

ByBoldGoldFinch · 05/02/2025 12:35

Hi everyone. I’m in a situation where I’m so consumed by anger that I can’t stop snapping at my dh. I don’t want to feel like this anymore but I don’t know what to do, so I’m mainly looking for a safe space to rant and to see if my idea of a way out from feeling this negative is reasonable or not.

Basically I have a SIL on my DH’s side. She’s known in the family for being a compulsive liar. Most of the lies are innocent enough; exaggerating her job, how much she earns, her family’s wealth status, etc. We all just brush it off. My MIL and FIL dislike her due to her dishonesty, and have moaned about her to me and DH, but they keep their opinions away from their son/my BIL, as they don’t want to risk upsetting him and pushing him away.

DH and I have a LG. SIL and BIL have a LB with some learning difficulties (this really doesn’t matter but is needed for context). He’s absolutely gorgeous and I adore him. Our LG and their LB are a couple months apart, both aged 2.

I’ve recently found out that SIL has been telling my MIL and FIL that I’ve been making fun of her LB/my nephew and his disabilities, and have been calling him names that are too vile to repeat on here, including how if he was my child, I’d “get rid”. She’s said similar to other family members on DH’s side, and most of the family on her side (who I’ve previously met through my nephews birthday parties). Her side of the family have been messaging me demanding I apologise. DH’s family including MIL and FIL have just said to ignore her and none of them believe her due to how often she lies, plus they know I adore my nephew and would never do such a thing. I even work with children with disabilities and I adore my job. They all just say it’s who she is and what she’s like, and I should know this by now. SIL and I have always been civil, and this has really upset me.

My DH approached his brother/my BIL about this, and he said that SIL feels upset that our LG is ahead of their LB developmentally, and we’re making a fuss out of nothing by taking what she says personally. BIL is fine towards me and obviously doesn’t believe SIL’s lies, but he also won’t say anything to her about it.

I’m just distraught by what I’ve been accused of, and I’m also really upset that DH’s entire family are sweeping it under the rug and telling me to just get over it. I really want to distance myself from them all and just focus on my side of the family, but even DH thinks I should just ignore her accusations as that’s just who she is. AIBU to be upset here? I feel like something needs to be done about it but it’s like nobody cares.

OP posts:

thepariscrimefiles · 05/02/2025 12:42

You are not unreasonable to be upset. She is basically accusing you of hate speech towards a small child with a disability. As you work with children with disabilities, this could damage your career if these lies came to the attention of your employer. This isn't something that you can just ignore.

Your DH needs to understand the detrimental impact that this could have if these lies are spread further and believed by other people, including your employer.

XWKD · 05/02/2025 12:47

"...making a fuss out of nothing by taking what she says personally."

They're a shower of fuckers -not just her.

Goldengirl123 · 05/02/2025 12:50

I would call her out on it

Onlyonekenobe · 05/02/2025 12:50

I'd distance myself simply because who's got time for this kind of mental drama. What a waste of time. No need to announce your departure. Just start saying no to things.

macaroniandcheeze · 05/02/2025 12:53

XWKD · 05/02/2025 12:47

"...making a fuss out of nothing by taking what she says personally."

They're a shower of fuckers -not just her.

They’re too scared to stand up to her, basically. Awful.
YANBU and she needs a telling off.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 05/02/2025 12:58

This is awful. I would reply to those messages stating that these accusations are untrue.
I think I would be tempted to threaten her with a cease and desist letter if she repeats these lies again. It might be extreme, but she is basically accusing you of something criminal and you need to nip it in the bud.

Americano75 · 05/02/2025 12:59

Oh, that's wicked! What on earth is wrong with her?

Mumofteenandtween · 05/02/2025 13:00

thepariscrimefiles · 05/02/2025 12:42

Your DH needs to understand the detrimental impact that this could have if these lies are spread further and believed by other people, including your employer.

This. This is very serious indeed.

I would be very clear that until SIL publicly apologises and admits that she lies then I am not willing to ever be anywhere that she is in case of further lies.

TillyTrifle · 05/02/2025 13:04

I would honestly threaten legal action and even criminal if possible for defamation or similar. You cannot react strongly enough to this - what she has done is evil. You need to show her you are not to be messed with or who knows what she will come up with next. Perhaps frame it like that to your husband and in laws - how will they feel when they’re in line and she accuses them of abuse or something horrendous. She is a psycho and has to be stooped.

OpenFox · 05/02/2025 13:05

"Her side of the family have been messaging me demanding I apologise"

@ByBoldGoldFinch THIS bit above would really annoy me. I get so annoyed with people who are too thick to understand that stories have two sides and not to go accusing people of something awful when they don't even know the truth.

I'd also be absolutely FUMING with SIL and would NOT be letting this go.

I would speak to your SIL in front of BIL, and ask her WHAT exactly she has said to her family and ask her to explain herself. If she tries to lie, then ask her why exactly have her family then been sending you messages demanding you apologise.

I would then be wanting SIL to inform her family of the truth. I'd ignore her family and block them.

Fargo79 · 05/02/2025 13:07

No I would not have this swept under the carpet. They are doing her no favours by entertaining this bullshit and they are betraying you.

I have sympathy for her as a parent of a disabled child with a similarly aged child in the family who is developing normally. I am in the same boat and it fucking stings. But whilst that may explain the root her behaviour, it does not excuse it. You can't just parcel up your unhappiness and pass it along. Her behaviour seems particularly calculated and vicious.

I think I would really kick up a fuss about this and be demanding an apology from her and a public (within the family) retraction of the lies she has told so that everyone knows you've done nothing wrong. Otherwise I'd not be socialising with any of them again.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 05/02/2025 13:08

How can they say it isn't personal? She hasn't said "people are saying things" she has said "a person is saying things". Selecting you as that person makes it personal!

Saying "ignore her, that's how she is" isn't good enough. It is already having an effect on how other family members see you, and (given the nature of your work) could potentially have a negative effect on your career too.

I would personally step away and start declining family invitations if you know she will be there.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 05/02/2025 13:13

Why haven't you confronted her about it if it has caused so.much upset to you. Tell her you will take legal advice if she doesn't cut the bullshit.

You can't control other people's actions whether it be your SIL or other family members but you CAN control how you respond to the accusations

I would certainly refuse to engage in any future conversations with anyone who hasn't backed you when they talk about your SIL

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 05/02/2025 13:18

Well obviously that's you unable to be anywhere near sil. And if ils aren't backing you maybe swerve them also.. Your dh needs to speak to db here. His db is allowing this shit to stir up his family.. She needs shutting down with a solicitor's letter ASAP.

SaltyPig · 05/02/2025 13:20

XWKD · 05/02/2025 12:47

"...making a fuss out of nothing by taking what she says personally."

They're a shower of fuckers -not just her.

This sums it up perfectly.

OneEdgyScroller · 05/02/2025 13:29

Oh hell no. This is not just a lying SIL issue, she is literally in a position to threaten your job. In no way would I allow this to slide. I would be confronting her in person, in front of BIL and PIL. I would tell her that I am pursuing legal action against her lies and slander, and that I would also be replying to her family with this information. This is not a time to sweep it under the rug. Stop her now.

Bettysnow · 05/02/2025 13:41

The lies will get worse and more dangerous if she's allowed to get away with it.
I would seriously send her a solicitors letter. Nasty piece of work and I would never be in her company again. Do not let her away with this

ThighsYouCantControl · 05/02/2025 13:49

Why won’t anyone call her out on her lies? At least the very damaging ones. As she persistently lies ignoring her doesn’t work does it? I would avoid them all like the plague, they’re just enabling her. Be interesting to see how quick they are to “just ignore” if and when she starts telling terrible upsetting lies about them…

Paganpentacle · 05/02/2025 13:50

Message them all simultaneously- hell, make a group for the purpose.
Call her out on it and defend yourself.

Redfred00 · 05/02/2025 14:11

She's a liar. She's threatening your job and your reputation. I wouldn't allow her to go round talking shit and making up lies unchallenged. I would absolutely call her out on it. Your inlaws and your H wouldn't be saying "ignore her, that's how she is" if she was making allegations about them.

Lyra87 · 05/02/2025 14:44

You're not unreasonable whatsoever. Your DH and in laws need to stick up for you, her lies are unacceptable.

beAsensible1 · 10/02/2025 08:32

I’m sorry OP this is too diabolical to let lie. She is going around telling people you are bullying a disabled child and making ableist remarks. So muchthat people are messaging you about it! That is not on.

she need confronting, be very calm and collected. “Hi SIL, a few people have messaged me saying “whatever lies she’s told” why have you said this? You know I love DN and frankly this never happened. You are tarnishing my reputation as a person and in my job. Please stop.”

all your in laws need to gets blood backbone. The fact she’s never been called out is why she keeps doing this rubbish

LookItsMeAgain · 10/02/2025 12:34

Could you contact a lawyer to discuss possible defamation here to get SiL & BiL to see that you mean business here?

OriginalUsername2 · 10/02/2025 12:58

That’s appalling. I would refuse to spend any time with any of them. Say something like that’s really not normal or okay to allow someone to be so vile and you don’t want any part of it, thanks very much.

If they want to carry on their fucked up family dynamics that’s their business. Remove yourself and be busy in other areas of life when they meet up. It might make them think, but probably not.

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