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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fostering my Grandchild

297 replies

Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 18:08

The last few months I’ve been doing a connected carers assessment for my Grandchild who is 7 months old . In view of him coming to live with me and I will be his Foster Carer .

Both parents are young and hopefully both will still see him , what that looks like I’m not too sure . Parents have split up and Mum isn’t too reliable in turning up to contact at present but I’m doing my best to encourage her .

So quite a lot of people around me seem to think I’m either an angel or stupid for going through all this for him but there has been no other option . I either do this or he goes to adoption and that’s not what my family do .
I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it , I’m actually scared to death coz my youngest is now nearly 18 and I’m starting all over again .
But in my eyes that’s what you do for your family ?
But I’ve had comments from people saying they couldn’t do it . They enjoy their life as it is and they don’t want a baby at this age and they think they would have to let him go to be adopted….

so AIBU would you foster a family child especially a Grandchild rather than he/she being adopted ?

Personally I thought everyone would do what I’m doing but it seems a lot of people around me have a different opinion . They seem to look at me in awe when I tell them and go onto say they couldn’t do it .

Just wondering , what would you do ?

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 09/02/2025 21:32

PassingStranger · 09/02/2025 20:40

How unkind and irresponsable of your daughter to do this to you
What happens if she gets pregnant again.

It's not her daughter. Her son is the father

Arran2024 · 09/02/2025 21:38

Agapornis · 09/02/2025 20:52

It's not uncommon for adults with learning disabilities to have to give up a child. You can do this! Ask your support worker whether there are local kinship carer network meetings & socials you can go to. They'll make you feel less alone.

In a few years your GS will be in school and things will calm down, and you can start working again. Perhaps this is an opportunity to pursue further qualifications, and get a 9-5 career job, rather than retail?

Sadly many children in care like this have significant additional needs and going back to work when they are in school is not straightforward.

I adopted 2 children from a similar background. I took adoption leave and basically couldn't go back to work - I tried and it was unworkable.

The OP is going to look after a baby - no one knows what additional needs he will have, but I know a lot of people who have taken on babies and they all have sen and various diagnoses and parenting them is a full time job.

DorothyStorm · 09/02/2025 21:38

BTshun · 09/02/2025 21:27

Sounds like this baby would be better off in a loving adoptive family.

I agree with this. Op, you dont want the child. You are already resentful. What family do is what's best for the child, not what they think will look better to outsiders, which is what this feels like.

I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it
My concern would be how you feel about doing it, as at the moment it doesn't look good.

BruFord · 09/02/2025 21:39

Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 21:32

Thankfully SS are more experienced at making this decision 👍

Show quote history

From your updates (I saw the one that you later had withdrawn), I think it’ll be OK with your son long term. He’s immature, not dangerous, he isn’t ready to be a parent now, but he could be in the future.

It’s more whether you can cope with bringing up your GS, whether you feel able to and have some support.

Original poster
Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 21:40

Arran2024 · 09/02/2025 21:32

It's not her daughter. Her son is the father

Show quote history

Yes my Daughter isn’t the Mum of my GS , she is younger than her brother and is very mature for her age and is actually applying for uni this year and doesn’t want children yet . She has passed her driving test and is saving for her car and is fully responsible for her own contraception .

Funny how you can have 2 kids from the same family who are completely different ?

OP posts:
intrepidgiraffe · 09/02/2025 21:43

They (the Local Authority) should be paying for legal advice for you so that you make an informed decision about fostering vs SGO.

Make sure you speak to the Children's Guardian from Cafcass

Original poster
Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 21:50

DorothyStorm · 09/02/2025 21:38

I agree with this. Op, you dont want the child. You are already resentful. What family do is what's best for the child, not what they think will look better to outsiders, which is what this feels like.

I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it
My concern would be how you feel about doing it, as at the moment it doesn't look good.

Show quote history

I’m not entirely sure what you mean by “outsiders” and I can be quite sure that a high number of people who have become kinship carers haven’t intended to do it but resentment is a bit of a harsh word to use .
How could anyone resent a baby ???

I read so many posts on Mumsnet about parents who have had children and are not enjoying it some days do you think they all resent having the child ?

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 09/02/2025 21:51

You are wonderful. No one can ever be entirely sure what they would do in any situation until they are actually in the situation. I very much hope I would do what you are doing. I certainly don’t think you’re making a mistake. Yes it will be hard, but you’ve done it before. You could very easily be having a baby yourself at your age, plenty of people do. I honestly think you’re doing the right thing.

CordialVsSquash · 09/02/2025 21:52

What you are doing is amazing OP.
But yes, in your position I would do the same. I could never give up a child/grandchild/niece/nephew to the care system, if such a situation arose.

Mrsbloggz · 09/02/2025 21:52

Biffbaff · 09/02/2025 18:10

I would. Even if it was difficult, I couldn't live with the alternative. Good on you for doing this.

Same here.

Icanflyhigh · 09/02/2025 21:56

I would do the same as you in a heartbeat. I'm 46 and my eldest is 20, youngest 12, but I'd do it without hesitating.

gillefc82 · 09/02/2025 21:57

I’ve just turned 43 and don’t have kids/grandkids myself but I do have a 3 y/o niece and 5 y/o nephew and I’m named in DBro’s and SIL’s wills as the person who would take over caring for them were the worst to happen.

Honestly, it wouldn’t occur to me not to as I couldn’t live with myself if they had to be put into care because I didn’t step in. I would never want a family member growing up thinking they weren’t loved enough for us to try everything possible to keep them with the family.

I have cousins who have had kids taken into care and then younger siblings they’ve been allowed to keep at home and I know the elder kids hold a lot of hurt and resentment about the childhood they’ve had to experience and the feelings of being rejected and failed by their family.

Well done @Nanny1983 for giving this child one stable, loving parental figure in their life.

LindaDawn · 09/02/2025 22:00

i would do the same. Looking after my grandchild rather than him being adopted. I get that it will be hard but you are absolutely doing the right thing.

lifeonmars100 · 09/02/2025 22:11

I would do exactly as you are doing because like you I could not live with the thought of him being adopted. 41 is young and as others have said women give birth at that age or have very young children. You are not mad, you are a brilliant, kind and loving woman doing a wonderful thing. I hope the little one brings you love and joy.

MissTrip82 · 09/02/2025 22:16

To me 41 is a normal age to have a baby and a very very abnormal age to have a grandchild (at 46 I don’t have a single friend or colleague who is a grandparent) - it all just depends on what’s the.norm in your circles. So it’s not giving up your life, it’s doing what many do and what you’ve done before.

Nobody can really tell you what they’d do in such a hypothetical but I hope I’d do the same. I certainly wouldn’t feel too old, and I’d feel some degree of responsibility I think.

Toddlerteaplease · 09/02/2025 22:23

I would at 41. As you are still young enough for the baby stage.

Toddlerteaplease · 09/02/2025 22:24

Although a friend of mine took on her three great nieces and nephew. And they've absolutely ruined her life. Although she wouldn't see it that way. Their behaviour is extreme and they all have huge issues.

UbiquitousObjects · 09/02/2025 22:26

I do have a 3 y/o niece and 5 y/o nephew and I’m named in DBro’s and SIL’s wills as the person who would take over caring for them were the worst to happen

This is an ENTIRELY different situation though.

We have a 4 year old neice. If her parents both died in an accident then we would want her to live with us. We're bonded to her, she's bonded to her family. To send her away to be adopted would be so cruel and I can only imagine the impact it would have on her.

A brand new baby who's parents can't or won't care for it from more or less birth is not the same.

IMHO I suspect the outcomes for the child would often be better if they were adopted at X months old by a new, secure and loving family...rather than remain in foster care for X months then be placed with a grandparent, then have a lifetime of the unpredictability of both birth parents possibly having sporadic contact or flitting in and out, unable to see them unsupervised, future 'assessments' happening to see if this little known person called dad can now come and live with you and granny.

I would hope in the same circumstances I would have the strength to let the child be adopted and have a fresh start, away from the very obvious risks of all the future dysfunction.

NavyFish · 09/02/2025 22:28

my parents took on my niece at Two weeks old. My mother was 52 at the time, it’s not always been easy but 100% they would not be without her now.

Arran2024 · 09/02/2025 22:29

Can I just say I adopted two children from a background of neglect and abuse and am getting pretty fed up with those of you making out adoption is the pits.

Rockingroll · 09/02/2025 22:29

Goodness me I wouldn’t think twice. No way would any grandchild of mine be going into care if there were suitable family to raise them

ttcat37 · 09/02/2025 22:33

It’s a noble thing to do, but don’t expect it to be easy because you’re family. We kinship cared for a family member and it was awful. Our experience of SS was not a good one- they promised the earth and left us high and dry. It’s very easy to say that you would never see a family member put into care, but the reality is very different to the idea of doing what you think is the right thing.

UbiquitousObjects · 09/02/2025 22:33

Can I just say I adopted two children from a background of neglect and abuse and am getting pretty fed up with those of you making out adoption is the pits

I agree.

So many posts along the lines of 'of course I would, I couldn't bear the thought of...'

I think it's actually very sad to see so many posters thinking of themselves rather than the baby. It's selfish and shortsighted, not noble and admirable. Keeping a child 'in the family' at all costs is not a great approach to start with for a vulnerable child with a dysfunctional background and parents.

Lau2108 · 09/02/2025 22:38

I've been in your shoes with a relative who requires round the clock care.
He was meant to be going in to care but every arrangement offered didn't cover his needs. He is epileptic with his main seizure time window being between 3 and 5 in the morning, they were offering no over night care and even in the day he would be left for long times without anyone with him. I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something awful happened, with a high chance it would.
I was 21, was going to need to step away from my career (which i'd already put on a temporary hold) to be able to care for him. I thought on it for months completely conflicted. I made my decision, everyone around me told me I was wrong with no thought to how I felt. I felt so unsupported. I struggled with depression for a couple of years, caused by grief but not helped by the situation. I couldn't open up to anyone about it without being met with an 'I told you you should have let him go in to care'.

It's been 9 years now, I wouldn't change it and know I'm doing the right thing. I've had apologies from friends and family for telling me I was wrong and realising that my feelings weren't accounted for nor was I listened to on the facts of what was being offered. We've had several near misses with his health that absolutely would have been missed with the care packages being offered and would have had grave consequences.

From that, my advice is make sure you are 100% of yourself and your decision. Be sure you're not going to end up resenting the decision. No one else's opinions matter, its not them doing it. Whichever way you decide, you are doing the right thing.

Motherland2624 · 09/02/2025 22:47

No I wouldn’t and haven’t I’m 47 and this exact situation was presented to me recently my youngest is 8 oldest 26 I’ve tried everything to avoid this situation for my child given everything but nothing worked I know for a fact she will keep on having children I can’t take all of them so I won’t take one plenty of people out there a baby would make there life complete and I’m happy for him to go where he will be cherished