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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fostering my Grandchild

297 replies

Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 18:08

The last few months I’ve been doing a connected carers assessment for my Grandchild who is 7 months old . In view of him coming to live with me and I will be his Foster Carer .

Both parents are young and hopefully both will still see him , what that looks like I’m not too sure . Parents have split up and Mum isn’t too reliable in turning up to contact at present but I’m doing my best to encourage her .

So quite a lot of people around me seem to think I’m either an angel or stupid for going through all this for him but there has been no other option . I either do this or he goes to adoption and that’s not what my family do .
I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it , I’m actually scared to death coz my youngest is now nearly 18 and I’m starting all over again .
But in my eyes that’s what you do for your family ?
But I’ve had comments from people saying they couldn’t do it . They enjoy their life as it is and they don’t want a baby at this age and they think they would have to let him go to be adopted….

so AIBU would you foster a family child especially a Grandchild rather than he/she being adopted ?

Personally I thought everyone would do what I’m doing but it seems a lot of people around me have a different opinion . They seem to look at me in awe when I tell them and go onto say they couldn’t do it .

Just wondering , what would you do ?

OP posts:
TheEllisGreyMethod · 09/02/2025 20:24

I would. My colleague has had her four year old grandson since he was about ten months. He's a lovely boy, she's fantastic with him. She says the hardest bit is contact with his parents as they're so chaotic. But she has no regrets. She was 50 when she took him on.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/02/2025 20:24

I have friends who did this for their step granchild. Mother still has sporadic contact but can be very difficult to deal with. She too has some SEN and will not engage with any professionals, which is why her son was removed.

My friends were closer to 50 when they did it and it has given them a new lease of life. They adore him and he adores them, they have given a life he wouldn thave otherwise had, older "brothers" and a good shot at a decent education.

It really made a difference to the lad, he was 4 when they took him in and is a teenager now. His foster mother says that she dreads to think what his life would have been like if she hadnt taken him in.

The thing that worries her is if the mother gets pg again. Its been made very clear that SS would put them under immense pressure to take any new baby in aswell, but they are in their 60's and dont want to do that. Knowing my friend, she would probably end up doing it anyway because couldnt bear the thought of splitting her FC and his sibling up but it is a really big worry for her and one that perhaps you should think about too.

Good luck

MercurialButton · 09/02/2025 20:26

Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 18:08

The last few months I’ve been doing a connected carers assessment for my Grandchild who is 7 months old . In view of him coming to live with me and I will be his Foster Carer .

Both parents are young and hopefully both will still see him , what that looks like I’m not too sure . Parents have split up and Mum isn’t too reliable in turning up to contact at present but I’m doing my best to encourage her .

So quite a lot of people around me seem to think I’m either an angel or stupid for going through all this for him but there has been no other option . I either do this or he goes to adoption and that’s not what my family do .
I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it , I’m actually scared to death coz my youngest is now nearly 18 and I’m starting all over again .
But in my eyes that’s what you do for your family ?
But I’ve had comments from people saying they couldn’t do it . They enjoy their life as it is and they don’t want a baby at this age and they think they would have to let him go to be adopted….

so AIBU would you foster a family child especially a Grandchild rather than he/she being adopted ?

Personally I thought everyone would do what I’m doing but it seems a lot of people around me have a different opinion . They seem to look at me in awe when I tell them and go onto say they couldn’t do it .

Just wondering , what would you do ?

I would do it. Family.

Pelot · 09/02/2025 20:26

To be perfectly blunt I'd be asking myself why I thought I could do a better job this time around having raised a man who is a danger to his own son. It's not a nice question but I do think it's worth reflecting on.

Livelovebehappy · 09/02/2025 20:27

I would do it, but would like you be scared and apprehensive about the future. It’s not like having your own baby. You’re not only going to be looking after her, but you will probably also have the continuing drama surrounding her parents to contend with. But honestly, you have very little choice, and I get why this is the only option. I couldn’t watch my gd be adopted.

dumpydumpydumpdump · 09/02/2025 20:27

I would have to be dead in the ground before I let my family go to whatever home somebody else thought might work out ok. I'm not saying it's what I would want to do, I've done my time like you have. But when a little one needs you, you have to step up.

Fam23 · 09/02/2025 20:27

I absolutely would in a heartbeat. The thought of my own grandchild being cared for by someone else other than their parents would be enough to do whatever I could to facilitate foster/ adoption.

Fam23 · 09/02/2025 20:27

dumpydumpydumpdump · 09/02/2025 20:27

I would have to be dead in the ground before I let my family go to whatever home somebody else thought might work out ok. I'm not saying it's what I would want to do, I've done my time like you have. But when a little one needs you, you have to step up.

100%

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 09/02/2025 20:29

i think a lot of people would. even if they say 'no' when on the outside. when it comes to it, it's unbearable to htink of a child going to strangers when they are your own flesh and blood. Take care of yourself, and love them and i hope your help and support and love helps his mom/parents to pick up at some point.
Don't know if you can take adoption leave or similar in your work so that it remains open to you. Wroth getting some advice maybe?
hope it works out for you all.

Louko · 09/02/2025 20:29

I would definitely Foster / adopt my grandchild even if it was difficult.

falkandknife · 09/02/2025 20:30

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/02/2025 20:24

I have friends who did this for their step granchild. Mother still has sporadic contact but can be very difficult to deal with. She too has some SEN and will not engage with any professionals, which is why her son was removed.

My friends were closer to 50 when they did it and it has given them a new lease of life. They adore him and he adores them, they have given a life he wouldn thave otherwise had, older "brothers" and a good shot at a decent education.

It really made a difference to the lad, he was 4 when they took him in and is a teenager now. His foster mother says that she dreads to think what his life would have been like if she hadnt taken him in.

The thing that worries her is if the mother gets pg again. Its been made very clear that SS would put them under immense pressure to take any new baby in aswell, but they are in their 60's and dont want to do that. Knowing my friend, she would probably end up doing it anyway because couldnt bear the thought of splitting her FC and his sibling up but it is a really big worry for her and one that perhaps you should think about too.

Good luck

Your friend sounds like such an amazing person!

Out of curiosity, how was it their step grandchild? That’s even more special

Original poster
Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 20:30

Namechangean · 09/02/2025 20:17

The process was one of the most stressful and intrusive experiences I’ve had. They want bank statements, names of your exes so they can talk to them, references from family and friends, references from work, a GP report. They ask you about your childhood, experience of any DV, in childhood or adulthood. They do social services checks in all the authorities you’ve lived in.

I passed, no real issues, apart from my brother would tell a very different story of our childhood, because he was looking for sympathy and excuses for his behaviour and so they questioned my much less extreme story. When I suggested that my brothers account may be exaggerated the SW was really annoyed as though I was minimising his abuse! But some of the stories they told me (which they actually shouldn’t have repeated to me at all, was a breach of his trust) I knew just we’re not true. He told them we used to flirt by night to different houses, we lived in the same house our entire childhood until we moved once when I was 8 and he was 13. He also said our mum would only cook burnt beans on toast for dinner lol. I remember my mum cooking: I eventually accepted that that was ‘his truth’ but that my own experiences were factual and I couldn’t account for his

Show quote history

Omg isn’t it just !! They ask you about your sex life and everything regarding your relationships .
My partner died a couple of years ago so they needed to be sure that I wasn’t going to just bring any random man into my life . Which isn’t me anyway . I’m happily single but
They need to know that you’re fully aware and would use Claire’s law and Sarah’s law with anyone in the future .

It’s about as thorough as you can expect it should be seeing as it’s a child involved and I have no reason to lie about any of it .

I’ve been as honest about my life as anyone can be . All of my references have told them basically im a homing bird who loves nothing more than to be at home just me and my Dog . Which did make me laugh coz they all asked me what they should say and I just told them to be honest , I didn’t give them any script and this is how they all see me 😂

Honestly the last 6 months I think I’ve aged 10 years with the stress . My passport run out and I had no I.D , it’s cost me £140 for my passport, a photo and a birth certificate and I felt like at every point there was another obstacle and in the middle of it I had redundancy meetings and a court day .

Anyone who thinks this is all done for a bit of glory honestly needs to look into the process themselves .

I take my hat off to anyone who fosters now because I realise now how much hard work it is and that’s before you have a child .

OP posts:
OldChairMan · 09/02/2025 20:31

Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 20:05

Of course I understand this . I’m not stupid . I would never ever jeopardise my Grandsons life . My own DS is an adult now . He doesn’t live with me . He has his own place and lives independently to me . Some weeks I don’t see him at all now .

If you knew the half of what these assessments entail , you would know that keeping my GS safe is all that matters . I’ve spent the best part of 16 weeks doing them so far.

I don’t at present have a very clear picture of what it all entails as SS need my DBS back to escalate further . I know from reading online that I will be doing lots of foster courses and parenting classes etc but other than that I am almost in the dark right now .

But one thing that’s totally clear is outside of contact my GS can’t see his birth parents . We have as a family spoken about my DS being elsewhere when I go to visit my parents and we are all very aware that it’s strictly no moving on this .

For my GS to have security , for him to grow up balanced and understand the situation he needs continuity and for me to keep to the rules of the court order …

THIS IS VERY CLEAR TO ME even if nothing else is right now .

Show quote history

I didn’t suggest that you are stupid or that you would jeopardise your grandson’s life.

i would suggest that it is a very bad idea to share so much personal information about your grandson’s parents publicly. You all - including your grandson - are now potentially identifiable to anyone who knows the family.

You can report that post and ask MN to remove it.

Louko · 09/02/2025 20:32

dumpydumpydumpdump · 09/02/2025 20:27

I would have to be dead in the ground before I let my family go to whatever home somebody else thought might work out ok. I'm not saying it's what I would want to do, I've done my time like you have. But when a little one needs you, you have to step up.

Exactly adoption outside his own family would be over my dead body.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/02/2025 20:36

falkandknife · 09/02/2025 20:30

Your friend sounds like such an amazing person!

Out of curiosity, how was it their step grandchild? That’s even more special

Show quote history

Their child was in a relationship with the birth mother, and was actually the person responsible for SS getting involved as they reported the neglect etc, they hadnt realised when they first started seeing her. Step parent wanted to take him in but SS said it would be too difficult with contact for the mother, as she hated them as the obviously split up.

Her family were chaotic and involved with SS themselves.

My friend truly is incredible, I am in awe of her. She is genuinely the kindness person I have ever known, if there is one downside to her, she is often taken advantage of by less kind people.

NeedthatFridayfeeling · 09/02/2025 20:37

Absolutely i would. Your doing an amazing thing OP well done, he's lucky to have you on his side

WearyAuldWumman · 09/02/2025 20:38

falkandknife · 09/02/2025 20:30

Your friend sounds like such an amazing person!

Out of curiosity, how was it their step grandchild? That’s even more special

Show quote history

The grandparents who raised my husband were his grandfather and step-gran.

We've not pieced it all together, but it seems that his step-gran married his grandfather specifically to give him a mother. They were working-class folk who hoped that DH would have a better life than they did.

His school wasn't encouraging. He was bright, but they didn't 'see him in a desk job.' `He left at 15 with no qualifications.

He did different manual jobs and went back to education in his late 20s. He graduated from uni and qualified as a teacher in the '70s.

His grandfather had died of a heart condition some years previously. His stepgran/"Mum" was at his graduation

Original poster
Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 20:38

Pelot · 09/02/2025 20:26

To be perfectly blunt I'd be asking myself why I thought I could do a better job this time around having raised a man who is a danger to his own son. It's not a nice question but I do think it's worth reflecting on.

He isn’t a danger , he wouldn’t harm the child he just doesn’t like being told what to do and always thinks he knows better .
My Grandsons emotional wellbeing is just as important as keeping him safe .

You do know not EVERY family SS deal with are dangerous to the children . Every single situation is different and thankfully SS are more experienced than someone on an internet forum to see that.

Also , do you blame the parent if someone goes out and rapes someone ? Or is it the parents fault when a teenager on the street is carrying a knife ?

OP posts:
PassingStranger · 09/02/2025 20:40

How unkind and irresponsable of your daughter to do this to you
What happens if she gets pregnant again.

ilovesushi · 09/02/2025 20:40

I'd do it. It is brilliant that you are doing it for your grandchild. Hope it all goes well for your family. xxx

Frostynoman · 09/02/2025 20:41

I think people can easily say, and even feel, that they wouldn’t do something in another’s situation whilst they’d only truly know if they were actually in that situation.

I also would step up as it is what family would do.

You will have such a special bond with your grandson. It’s lovely that you’re doing this for him and for his parents.

falkandknife · 09/02/2025 20:44

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/02/2025 20:36

Their child was in a relationship with the birth mother, and was actually the person responsible for SS getting involved as they reported the neglect etc, they hadnt realised when they first started seeing her. Step parent wanted to take him in but SS said it would be too difficult with contact for the mother, as she hated them as the obviously split up.

Her family were chaotic and involved with SS themselves.

My friend truly is incredible, I am in awe of her. She is genuinely the kindness person I have ever known, if there is one downside to her, she is often taken advantage of by less kind people.

Show quote history

That’s so heartwarming to read.

GreatTheCat · 09/02/2025 20:45

I'm 52 and have just had ill heath retirement from work (strokes, COL4A1, MS etc). I'd still do it.

falkandknife · 09/02/2025 20:46

WearyAuldWumman · 09/02/2025 20:38

The grandparents who raised my husband were his grandfather and step-gran.

We've not pieced it all together, but it seems that his step-gran married his grandfather specifically to give him a mother. They were working-class folk who hoped that DH would have a better life than they did.

His school wasn't encouraging. He was bright, but they didn't 'see him in a desk job.' `He left at 15 with no qualifications.

He did different manual jobs and went back to education in his late 20s. He graduated from uni and qualified as a teacher in the '70s.

His grandfather had died of a heart condition some years previously. His stepgran/"Mum" was at his graduation

Show quote history

That’s another heartwarming story

Showerflowers · 09/02/2025 20:46

GreatTheCat · 09/02/2025 20:45

I'm 52 and have just had ill heath retirement from work (strokes, COL4A1, MS etc). I'd still do it.

How very irresponsible of you.

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