Fostering my Grandchild

[Nanny1983]

The last few months I’ve been doing a connected carers assessment for my Grandchild who is 7 months old . In view of him coming to live with me and I will be his Foster Carer .

Both parents are young and hopefully both will still see him , what that looks like I’m not too sure . Parents have split up and Mum isn’t too reliable in turning up to contact at present but I’m doing my best to encourage her .

So quite a lot of people around me seem to think I’m either an angel or stupid for going through all this for him but there has been no other option . I either do this or he goes to adoption and that’s not what my family do .
I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it , I’m actually scared to death coz my youngest is now nearly 18 and I’m starting all over again .
But in my eyes that’s what you do for your family ?
But I’ve had comments from people saying they couldn’t do it . They enjoy their life as it is and they don’t want a baby at this age and they think they would have to let him go to be adopted….

so AIBU would you foster a family child especially a Grandchild rather than he/she being adopted ?

Personally I thought everyone would do what I’m doing but it seems a lot of people around me have a different opinion . They seem to look at me in awe when I tell them and go onto say they couldn’t do it .

Just wondering , what would you do ?

I wouldn't actively choose it but would step up in a heart beat if the alternative was my child's child going into care.

You will manage, plus you're still of childbearing age yourself. Initially I presumed you were older, but at your age you will be fine and no reason you can't get a job once your grandchild is a bit older and settled.

I would

I only work very part time now and care for my father with dementia. Many people wouldn't- that's fine. Many people do - that's also fine.

I couldn't see a grandchild of mine adopted away from the family. Adopters are amazing but there are other children needing them. My own grandchild I'd take in at a heartbeat.

Well done.

Also , do you blame the parent if someone goes out and rapes someone ? Or is it the parents fault when a teenager on the street is carrying a knife ?

In most cases, yes.

Teenagers who carry knives and rapists are rarely from 'normal', secure, functional homes/families.

I think this post is a perfect illustration of why decisions like this should never be made by biological relatives.

No, love is not all you need.

Such a tough decision to make. My youngest is 17 and my eldest 31, I had my eldest at 16, and I feel i’ve got my life back now. Not even back, as I never had an adult life pre children. But I don’t think I could let a grandchild of mine be adopted. It’s so hard to know when it’s hypothetical. I think of all those couples waiting for a baby to adopt and think maybe it’s something i’d be able to come to terms with.

Such a shame neither parent is capable of raising their child. Fortunately for me, at 16 I took to motherhood very naturally, and my eldest son and I are very close. In fact I struggled more with DS2 who I had at 27.

You are doing something amazing, but do think carefully. This is the next 18yrs of your life. If you decide not to continue with the adoption, then don’t feel bad. I think i’d be doing the same as you. I’m sure you’ll have an amazing relationship with your grandchild.

It's not uncommon for adults with learning disabilities to have to give up a child. You can do this! Ask your support worker whether there are local kinship carer network meetings & socials you can go to. They'll make you feel less alone.

In a few years your GS will be in school and things will calm down, and you can start working again. Perhaps this is an opportunity to pursue further qualifications, and get a 9-5 career job, rather than retail?

I think this is unnecessarily harsh and judgemental. SS obviously feel OP is the right person to care for GS and she's literally mentioned all the rules she's been learning and contact arrangements with DS etc. It sounds to me as if she knows what she is doing.

I had my last kid at 42, so yes I would definitely foster a grandchild who needed it in my 40s and I would now if the alternative was foster care. It's not uncommon in my area for grandparents to be raising grandchildren.

Just wanted to say from a stranger, I am so proud of u. It will be the best thing for him xxx

If I were in your position I100% would take him in & I think you’re doing the right thing. Some children of course have no option but to enter the care system, but your grandson has a loving blood relative - you. My grandmother raised me in the end (my father was a heroin addict and absent, my mother was abusive - in fact she still IS abusive and she’s now in her 60s!) my grandmother was an angel, it meant so much to me to have her & my step-grandad in my life knowing that I at least had some members of my real family that loved me, even if my actual parents didn’t. There’s no way I’d of wanted to enter the care system and I’m grateful I didn’t have to. A close friend of mine at school was in the care system and had to keep moving from foster family to foster family, she hated it. I also know people who were adopted by non-relatives and didn’t have happy childhoods, the care system isn’t perfect at the end of the day.
I also read a horrible comment from another poster saying that you should address ‘why you think you could do a better job this time around when you managed to raise a son incapable of raising his own child’ - as though to insult your own parenting. I’m sorry but that really got my back up - you can tell from your post how much you love your grandson. Your son is an adult and it’s not your fault he’s not able (at the moment) to look after his little boy on his own, you’ve mentioned he has severe ADHD which can be deliberating both for the sufferer and those around them when not well managed with therapy and/or medication. You sound like a fantastic grandmother, you are doing the right thing & I’d do the same in a heartbeat 💗 - also not sure if this is of any comfort, but you’re still young, I am almost the same age as you and I had my youngest baby last year - this was after a HUGE age gap from my eldest and I was so nervous about doing to baby stages again but you get back into the swing of it in no time 🩷
Best of luck OP 💐 xxx

Friends of mine did (not GC, a niece) and it worked out well - although they're a lesbian couple that wanted children, so it was a good option for them. "child" is early 20s now.
Looking at the stats on children in care, you are doing a fabulous thing - and I'm guessing that you wouldn't be at peace with yourself if the child did go into care.

There's another thread about someone having a baby at 45 - but I get that it would be really daunting when you've done that and yours are adults.

Good luck with it all.

Thanks .
I feel like I’m like any other “new Mum” learning new things along the way but instead of learning from scratch how to parent a child I’ll be learning all the rules and conditions of being a foster parent .

I am willing to do it and more than ready to do it and that’s half of the battle.

There will be teething problems along the way but I’m always willing to work with SS which has helped me get this far .

To start with they said no to doing any assessments at all and the social worker convinced her manager to give me a chance which then I passed the first stage and was given the opportunity to do the full connected carers assessment which is positive so far .

If you want it enough and am willing to work for it you will get there and I’m proving that I want this enough .

I think you are doing a wonderful thing. I too would do this in a heartbeat except I wasn't that much younger than you are now when I had my kids so I'll be in my 50s before this is even a possibility.

You're still young. It'll be exhausting but worth it. Best of luck. It sounds like your grandson is really lucky to have you.

Whilst what you are doing is hugely admirable, putting the child up for adoption isn't a 'bad' option or you failing the child in anyway, I have friends who have adopted and are giving their children the most wonderful and loved upbringing, some of my best friends are also adopted and have been raised in loving secure family units.....good luck x

You said you can't see your son with your grandson which to me means SS thinks your son is a danger to the baby. You asked what people would do. I told you I'd ask myself how my parenting contributed to a man who cannot take care of his own child and has been deemed a risk. If you feel you had no bearing on how your son turned out that's up to you but you did ask!

More power to you. One of my DC's friends is being raised by her "mum" (gran) under similar circs. She had 10 years on you at this stage but she's doing a great job with her GC. And 4 of the mums in my son's reception class were over 40 when they had their kids.

I honestly feel if at the end of all this I can’t be his fc then I will have done my very best and I will know whoever he gets adopted by will be an Amazing family for him .

Right now he’s in foster care with a lovely family . He’s looked after , he’s absolutely thriving and happy and honestly he’s totally in the best place atm .

Of course I want him to come and live with me , he’s my blood but I know deep in my heart if I hadn’t done what I’m doing for him now I wouldn’t have lived with myself so wherever he ends up all I want is him to grow up content , happy and to always know he’s one loved little boy .

I would do it without a second thought for grandchild or niece and nephew. I don't think I'd necessarily take redundancy and give up my job though, they'd just need to fit in like my own children as I'd parent the same.

OP posted details about the assessment in reply to my post. Before that she had only mentioned love and the importance of family, which given the complexities and competing loyalties described by others was concerning.

I’m glad to see that following my next post, OP’s description of the personal circumstances of the two parents has been withdrawn.

My 5 year old grandson came to stay with me permanently 4 months ago, I'm 51 ☺️

We have no idea of any contact arrangements at present these are decided by court and the judge .

Every situation is different .

and these are the rules I’ve been told of the kinship fc order for everyone.
The child can only see the parent on the agreed days of contact . We have no idea atm how often they would be but for the wellbeing of the child it will be court ordered so if I see my Son with my gs outside of these days then I would be breaking the court order .
Every child’s situation is different and not everyone has a textbook situation .

My Mum was very young having me, my Grandparents never knew of my existence until they were contacted by a social worker when I was 4 months old, they were mid 40's at the time.
They took me without question and I am forever grateful as they have been the most amazing 'parents' to me.
My Dad knew nothing about me until I was late teens - my Mum did this deliberately as he wasn't a stable person then at all, neither was she but I am so grateful and in awe of her to have put me first as she knew she just could not raise me safely due to her addictions.
It wasn't until I held my first born that I realised how heartbreaking it must have been for her to have given me away after having me with her for 4 months.
Both my parents are now in my life and are wonderful grandparents to all our boys but I still regard my Mamo and Dado {I'm in Ireland) as my 'real' parents.

The very best of luck to you, you will have many bumps in the road you are now about to navigate but for you and your grandson you are doing the right thing.

Sounds like this baby would be better off in a loving adoptive family.

I think if it came it they would foster their own grandchildren. You are doing the right thing keeping him within his family.

Thankfully SS are more experienced at making this decision 👍