Fostering my Grandchild

[Nanny1983]

The last few months I’ve been doing a connected carers assessment for my Grandchild who is 7 months old . In view of him coming to live with me and I will be his Foster Carer .

Both parents are young and hopefully both will still see him , what that looks like I’m not too sure . Parents have split up and Mum isn’t too reliable in turning up to contact at present but I’m doing my best to encourage her .

So quite a lot of people around me seem to think I’m either an angel or stupid for going through all this for him but there has been no other option . I either do this or he goes to adoption and that’s not what my family do .
I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it , I’m actually scared to death coz my youngest is now nearly 18 and I’m starting all over again .
But in my eyes that’s what you do for your family ?
But I’ve had comments from people saying they couldn’t do it . They enjoy their life as it is and they don’t want a baby at this age and they think they would have to let him go to be adopted….

so AIBU would you foster a family child especially a Grandchild rather than he/she being adopted ?

Personally I thought everyone would do what I’m doing but it seems a lot of people around me have a different opinion . They seem to look at me in awe when I tell them and go onto say they couldn’t do it .

Just wondering , what would you do ?

I don't have children, but I often wondered if my sisters children had needed a home, would I have actually stepped up? I'd like to think I would've.

Your commitment to your grandchild is wonderful. I really wish you well.

@silvers11 An SGO sadly does not give you 100% decision making rights because the parents still retain PR. It also does not stop a parent taking you to court again and again over contact. I.know as a GP carer who passed for SGO. Yes, you have a stronger order than a residence order but weaknesses in legislation do cause issues.

It hasn't really changed at all. My oldest is 24 and it was no food until 6 months, babyed weaning, baby wearing, back to front etc then. No real difference from my 7 year old.

My mistake. Sorry. Thanks for clarifying that.

@Arran2024 legally adoption is always the last choice for a child, when everything else has been ruled out and 'nothing else will do'. The inherent trauma and loss for any adopted child means this approach is necessary.

Of course adoption is better than kinship care for some children, because kinship carers are not always able to meet children's needs.

But it's right that the system should always choose kinship care over adoption when available and suitable.

Notwithstanding the huge issues around lack of ongoing support for kinship carers.

@Louisetheroux yes, she is. "Not wanting to" is a million miles from allowing your grandchild to spend their childhood in the care system which is potentially traumatic.

But that's only thinking about the good outcomes. My friend is a very wonderful foster carer and the children she takes in are loved, but they are still moved around between carers for a variety of reasons and it takes years for them to be adopted, if that is ever achieved. She fostered a little girl aged 1 for a year and then the girl went back to her parents for a few months then back to another foster care, this time with a younger sibling and then they have been in several foster homes and are now aged 10 and 8 and are virtually unadoptable as no one is looking for siblings that age.

Why foster instead of adopt or just support your child to look after the child in your home.. It seems a crazy system if you get 27000 tax free from the government to look after your grandchild. If the parent is still around, not a drug addict etc this seems mad.

Sorry, edited because I just realised it's your son's child. Arghhh, too early in the morning for my comprehension skills 😭

THIS!!

Exactly what I was about to chime in with! I'll be 40 when my baby arrives, and 41 when they're 8 months...

But I understand that was my choice and this is being thrusted upon you. So is slightly different. I wish you all the best!

I agree. Crazy.

That's because the children are not given adoption plans by social services. The plan is for long term foster care or reunion with birth parents. If a baby is to be adopted, there will be plenty of interested prospective parents.

I'd do the same as you, OP.

I'll be honest, though, and say I really wouldn't want to. But I would. And I'd give the child the best life experience I could because it wouldn't be their fault.

It says knowwhere that the Op's son is a danger to his son.

I would do it in a heartbeat even though my youngest is nearly 18.

The point, surely, is that this is absolutely the best possible scenario for this baby?

id like to seriously think I’d do it too. Obviously you don’t know until youre in the situation but i very very much hope id do it.

I absolutely commend you!

Its something I would do and I am 44, I would do this for my daughters if needed.

Having another child is something I wouldn’t want to do at all, but in your situation I would also do what you are doing. How could you not give the alternative? Hope you get a lot of pleasure from it though in the long run

All the people saying why foster rather than adopt:

• in the UK it is exceptionally rare for a family member to adopt. This is because the key benefit of being with a family member is that you keep some sort of time with your birth parents, whereas in adoption your adoptive parents become your parents and you have no ongoing legal tie to your birth parents.

• Instead family members can apply for a Special Guardianship Order (SGO). This gives them parental responsibility over and above the parental responsibility which the birth parents have, ie if the SGO carers and the birth parents disagree about the children, the SGO caters have the final say.

• with an SGO, usually social services wouldn't stay involved long term. There may be some financial support, but this isn't necessarily long term.

• long term fostering with the family member is an alternative. There is ongoing social services involvement (both the child and the adults have their own social workers), including payment as foster carers. The family member DOES NOT have parental responsibility in this arrangement, so the social workers make most of the decisions about the child's health, schooling, contact with parents etc.

• this fostering arrangement has pros and cons, it can take the pressure off of family members who may otherwise find eg managing contact difficult, but it can also be very intrusive for the family.

• SGOs are more common than long term fostering with family members, but both have their place depending on the situation. Some would say social services push SGOs too early to get out of providing proper support. Sometimes fostering can turn into an SGO.

• In the OP's case, an SGO wouldn't be granted straight away as the child isn't yet living with her.

I would one hundred percent do what you are doing - without hesitation.

I took on a friend's tiny child at 56 and have never regretted it. Lean on the SS though for some financing even if you save it for the child's future. Also look up Kinship Carers, they are at Westminster on13th, I think to lobby MPs about cash for carers like you will be. You may find lots of folk want to tell you what to do but not helping. Decide your own path as much as you can. Good luck.

We did similar and got similar comments. I think some people struggle to put themselves in the position of others theoretically however if they had to make a choice I'd guess more would than wouldn't.
We went special guardianship route as I couldn't look after a child then take a backseat (but obs every circumstance is different).

41 isn’t old. I had my own 2 year old by that age and I didn’t feel like I was giving up my whole life. My friend had her first at 48. I don’t know any young mums, most are around my age. But I’m sure it’s very different if it’s not your choice.

You sound reluctant. Is that the case? Because in the end, no one else’s option matters. It’s what you want for your grandson.

You are doing the right thing OP, l could not imagine any of my GC being left in care.