Why is it not illegal to cheat on someone

[Miratea]

I don’t want to give too many details. I found it pretty traumatising to be lied to. The person went on about how great of a person they were and how they weren’t like other guys. They acted like they cared about me and would be supportive of me. They were exactly like the “other guys” they described, they were a cheat with a number of others waiting in line, got with someone new every 5-6 months and I was nothing special like they’d made me out to be. I found it really traumatising and have trust issues because of it. They really rushed things and then moved on and I never saw them again. They turned on me and started being really nasty towards me. It feels like emotional whiplash. I know it wasn’t my fault but I don’t understand why these men do it

I suppose that would solve the overpopulation problem!

Though criminal action is infeasible I think as a society we could do with thought about we approach this issue with new generations.

When we teach children about right and wrong behaviour is there an argument to ambiguously say to children society views cheating as a 'wrong' although not a criminal act?

I guess religion has to some extent fulfilled this purpose partially for previous eras but we now live in a largely irreligious society do we have to think again about this continual human condition?

I don't think there are any easy answers if any but changing social attitudes about infidelity perhaps may help. I suppose one could argue increased infidelity may linked to sexual liberation with contraception giving more scope and less risk to flings?

I also think that we need to really research a new partner before we get with them.

Many men will tell you anything that you want to hear. It's important to know that words mean nothing. Ted bundy was charming.

You've got to do your research on people.

A man asked me out two months ago. He was someone that I had known a couple of years ago as we were in the same group. I had moved away for a couple of years to a different country. Then I moved back to the same country he's in.

He saw on my socials that I had moved back. He sent me a message asking me to go our for a drink.

He said loads of nice things, he said that he'd always liked me but he'd been too nervous to ask me out. That he'd always felt a strong connection to me. All nice things.

I agreed to go out. We were meant to go out on the Friday night. At the last minute he asked could we change it to Saturday night instead. He said there was some family thing he'd forgotten he had to go to.

Instantly I just had a gut feeling that something wasn't right. I tried to find out a bit of info about him from some mutual acquaintances. This was not easy to do as I had moved away for two years and I didn't know these people closely anymore. You can't just message someone that you haven't seen for two years and say "hey you know david. Is he single?" So I tried to make kind of discreet enquiries.

Through this I found out that david was in a serious relationship and was in fact living with a woman for two years.

I'm really glad i did my research on him

@madamweb

Huh? They also have the option of leaving their partner first and then shagging around to their hearts content.
You have very naive and limited understanding of the complexity of people's lives.

Some people don't have the luxury of just 'leaving their partner first'

I'm sorry you're hurting but you cannot legislate against human autonomy and free will. And I think you know that.

The abusive behaviour is already (rightly) criminalised.

@HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear

But how does one "prove" adultery without any reasonable doubt. And what exactly would constitute adultery? Women who are left more often than not suspect an affair but can not prove it. What evidence would be required? And why would married couples deserve more protection from wandering partner's than those who don't have a marriage certificate. I understand that there is a signed contract but unmarried couples often also have shares debts, finances, children.

I assume adultery would be easier to prove than emotional abuse / coercive control, albeit still difficult? Witnesses (particularly if the affair partner didn't know the person was married and is therefore willing to testify), text messages, CCTV...

Realistically, I don't think adultery is going to be outlawed, even if it weren't for the impracticalities! I just believe that making adultery illegally wouldn't be an inherently bad thing in principle.

I think it's ok that unmarried couples don't have the same protection as married couples. They don't have the same obligations either. Imposing those obligations and protections on relationships automatically seems wrong, especially since those who would like the protections but object to the institution of marriage can now get a civil partnership.

I have the same emotional sympathy for someone whose partner has cheated on them. But I think it's right that the law distinguishes between married and unmarried couples.

Thought....

Can infidelity be regarded as abusive? It wouldn't constitute a physical or necessarily verbal abuse but in terms of impact on the person could actually be similar? Just a musing.

So they're both criminals. Arrest them both. Imprisonment for the violent criminal and what suitable punishment for the one who had an affair?

Not from a criminal perspective, no.

So could a million other things. Addiction, over spending, golf widow, workaholic, emotionally neglectful, etc. All can have very detrimental affects on a partner. Where do you draw the line?

I have to disagree with you. Making adultery illegal would most certainly be an inherently bad thing, it would be a terrible thing. I have never been unfaithful (though have been cheated on) and would not want to live in a society where it was illegal.

But women cheat too. Or is that okay?

So the only real way you can prove it is if one of the parties admits it. CCTV, and messages don't prove that people actually had sex. Which brings me back to what would actually constitute cheating in the law - it would have to be VERY specific.

'I'm not like other guys'
'Went in and on about how good he was'.

So...a knob.

And you're surprised he cheated?
... ... ... ?!?

Lots of things in life cause trauma, to varying degrees and for different reasons. Sorry this happened to you but no, it shouldn't be against the law. Where would it end? Let's be a bit rational. Tribulations are a part of life. For everyone. Ride it out, seek counselling, do whatever you need.. things will look brighter soon!

It's a form of severe emotional hurt that can't be legislated against and is simply a part of human nature. OP has a right to vent her feelings though.

It is worth noting that in the UK we are fairly liberal about such things and as people have mentioned this is not necessarily the case world wide so a debate may be is warranted even if it just to prove that infidelity can't be crimonalised. Some people will look at liberal sexual views as moral decay.

Well they would probably be arresting half the male population!! Seriously though rape crimes hardly ever get a prison sentence, so I think it would be completely unworkable. Maybe some counselling could help.this happens to thousands of us .we all move on .

Having an affair is a form of abuse though, isn't it? The lying and gaslighting involved is just a part of it, spending joint monies on the affair partner, leaving your spouse to manage the household and the children whilst you're off on your secret holiday with the affair partner, spending hours in the shed talking on the phone... all features of affairs that leave the cheated on person chasing their tail, potentially short of money, and a sense they can't shake that something isn't right without really being able to put their finger on it. Any questions they may ask, they are lied to.

it's a dreadful way to treat anyone, let alone someone you supposedly care about.

None of what you listed is a crime though. Lying to someone isn't a crime, spending time away from your family isn't a crime. Spending shared money is not a crime. As soon as you give someone access to your money in a joint account you give them a right to spend it.
But also... none of the things you mentioned are necessarily part of na affair. So my husband could lie to me, he could spend my money and he could spend all day in the shed chatting to a woman but this is in not evidence of an affair.

Hurting someone's feelings isn't a criminal act as much as some people would just love it to be.

Everyone's quite rightly focussing on the 'how would that work?' aspect of it - in other words, what would be necessary to bring the cheater to book?

But the OP's question, really, isn't about the cheater. It's about herself. She's saying, "I have been hurt, and someone ought to pay."

To which the answer, I'm afraid is, 'nope - there's no guarantee of revenge, there's no process for payback, there's not much chance of karmic levelling-up. In fact, given that this is the way it's always been, it's pretty amazing that human beings persist in the outraged feeling that the universe ought not work like that.'

Everybody can leave their partner first.

And they can definitely be upfront and how and say that they no longer wish to be in a monogamous relationship.

It’s just entitlement that makes them cheat instead.

@JHound a woman living with a man who pays all the bills whilst she is a SAHP? How well do you think that conversation would go?
Wife: I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore and I'm actually going on a date next week.
Husband: oh fine, yes, I'll stay in and look after the children. Have fun! Look forward to hearing about it when you come home, hun

Maybe first divorce having a sensible discussion if possible before you start dating again.