Why is it not illegal to cheat on someone

[Miratea]

I don’t want to give too many details. I found it pretty traumatising to be lied to. The person went on about how great of a person they were and how they weren’t like other guys. They acted like they cared about me and would be supportive of me. They were exactly like the “other guys” they described, they were a cheat with a number of others waiting in line, got with someone new every 5-6 months and I was nothing special like they’d made me out to be. I found it really traumatising and have trust issues because of it. They really rushed things and then moved on and I never saw them again. They turned on me and started being really nasty towards me. It feels like emotional whiplash. I know it wasn’t my fault but I don’t understand why these men do it

Yes, but the question is could she really sue for damages?
Loads of people gave each other COVID. Could they really have sued each other for it if, for example, they could prove neglect like not wearing a mask, not taking a test? I think it would be very hard to do.

YABU.

There are lots of countries where adultery is illegal though- like Saudi Arabia- , so you could always emigrate to one of those if you think it’s better for women.

With respect: you need to buck up and stop wallowing in this.

Yes, it’s hurtful. No, it shouldn’t be considered a criminal offence to upset someone.

It clearly isn't a practical idea, but I can see the argument

• if I'm married to someone, I have tied myself financial to them. If I did that in a business context, I would have certain financial protections - why shouldn't I have protection from being worse off if the other half of the agreement broke that contract?

• if I am having sex with someone, I have given that consent on the basis that they are not having sex with anyone else for emotional and also health reasons. If someone cheated on me and I had known, I wouldn't have sex with with them and I would ensure that this known to the other partner in the relationship. If they cheat, then have sex with with, it would effectively be without my consent because all parties know that consent is only given on the understanding that the relationship is exclusive

How so? She was committing adultery. If adultery was to be made a crime, she'd be guilty of it.

What about non arranged marriages where a spouse is abusive? Or has health issues like dementia? Or a million other scenarios. Some people cheat because they can. Others do it because their current situation is making them miserable but they can't leave it.

Also OP there were a number of red flags you chose to overlook. Men who are genuinely great do not feel the need to say that

And men who say “they are not like other guys” are exactly like other guys.

I know this sucks, and I hate that dating is harder than it needs to be because of filth like the guy you have just experienced. But you cannot legislate against that.

Just find ways of dealing with and hopefully he will get a papercut everyday for the rest of his life.

Marriage is a unique contact - it gives you certain rights/ entitlements/ status with regard to the state / government (eg tax breaks etc) . it’s not just like any old private contract that two people consent to. So no your suggestion wouldn’t / shouldn’t be equivalent.

Were you actually in a relationship with them OP.

And men too. A sexist comment op.

Agree 100 %

Yep “theft of consent” I call that.

Can you imagine the length of the contract terms from some parties?

You agree that you will not -

Acknowledge the existence of colleagues
Work in an office with a closed door
Speak regarding anything other than specific work subjects
Converse about music, films, current affairs, cats, dogs, children, hobbies, television, history, education, other colleagues, workload, procedures not directly related to the immediate task at hand
Make eye contact
Smile
Speak pleasantly and politely
Laugh at something funny
Request advice or assistance with work tasks outside the specific remit of the current contract
Acknowledge distress in the other party
Demonstrate any concern for their wellbeing or health
Communicate outside working hours
Communicate inside working hours
Attend work social events
Eat in the staff room
Chat about anything
Signpost to support for abuse and coercive control
Think positive thoughts about a colleague
Wear clothing that the other party deems to be aesthetically pleasing
Maintain standards of bodily hygiene and appearance
Smile at anybody of the opposite or same sex or gender
Allow workmen into the home without permission and supervision of either the spouse or an appointed representative who will not be spoken to under any circumstances
Look at anybody on social media, film, TV, news or of personal acquaintance
Like any posts on social media
Leave the home with washed hair, brushed hair, makeup, nails over 0.1mm long from the nailbed or wear footwear that exposes the toes in any manner, particularly if nail polish is being worn
Remove any body or facial hair
Show any interest in altering body mass index or levels of strength or fitness
Draw attention to oneself in any manner, whether through behaviour, clothing and other adornments or simply my allowing oneself to be observed whilst having a body and personality
Apply for employment outside the home or inside where persons of the opposite or same sex are permitted to contact them
To improve qualification levels
Be outside the home after dusk
Be outside during the day
Fail to return immediately to the home after depositing children at school
To allow a medical professional of any sex or gender to examine or treat any part of the body or speak to them without a trustworthy chaperone holding the specific permission of the spouse

All of these are used as 'reasons' to accuse people of having affairs - the 'emotional affair' label is given where it would probably be sufficient to term it a Thought Crime in many cases (and just batshit coercive control in others).

An anusers' charter.

I would like it to be far more socially stigmatised though.

Currently being a cheating rat is seen as no big deal.

I believe that is the point of being in a relationship rather than committing to that person by marrying them. Relationship is a relationship. No legal standing. Historically dating is simply a way of finding out if someone is who you want to marry. If someone turns your head then the first person wasn't the one you want to marry and on you move.

But who is the wronged spouse that you 100% agree should be criminalised? The one who had the affair or the other one who liked to beat up or verbally, financially and emotionally abuse and terrorise the spouse who met someone else?

I think therapy is the answer to your feelings. There’s some shit people in the world who do some shit things but emotional resilience is built and learnt.

It wasn't a serious suggestion

But I do think that (1) our society makes it easy for people to enter relationships and difficult to end them and (2) would better if it were the other way round

The problem is, it’s difficult to prove that a boyfriend cheated but it’s also difficult to prove that he was a “proper” boyfriend, not just someone you were casually seeing.

If a man took offence because you weren’t interested in him, he could go to the police to tell them that he was your boyfriend and you were cheating on him. Or he could just be a loon who believes that you are his girlfriend because you smiled at him in the supermarket (there are nutty people in this world).

@BunnyLake

But who is the wronged spouse that you 100% agree should be criminalised? The one who had the affair or the other one who liked to beat up or verbally, financially and emotionally abuse and terrorise the spouse who met someone else?
You must be new around here. This is mumsnet where all cheaters are scum. Where there are no mitigating circumstances and where cheating is the worst crime known to humanity. Close in fact to child abuse.

I have always suspected it's because people know deep in their soul that it could happen to them. Especially people who are no longer sexually involved with their partners. So they vilify cheaters to an abnormal degree compared to almost any other action again person.

@Briannaco

I think an arranged marriage , where she can't leave, is a bit different to a man shagging round for fun
So you accept all cheating is not the same then. How exactly would this sharia law type penalty account for this?

@Briannaco

If a man cheats, a woman could sue for damages, as he is risking her health by potentially passing on an STI.
Again, stop with the man being the cheat. If we are talking about vegetal cheating the rates are very similar between men and women. Why not say 'if a person cheats' ?

I want to make it clear I don’t advocate for sharia law nor do I want people in abusive relationships to be trapped.
I didn’t think this through very well

Octavia64 · Today 13:25
It used to be, if you were married

Rather surprisingly adultery was illegal in S Korea until 2015 - i think it was a law brought in during the Korean War when husbands and wives were split up while the man was away fighting.
However I’m not sure how many adulterers were actually prosecuted in recent years.

Give it time.

You didn't but hopefully can see the other angles now.

I'm sorry you're been hurt. I think perhaps you've been too trusting of what someone said about themselves and as others have correctly pointed out, bigging up your own morality is a red flag. It is all a learning curve and you can put this behind you and go on to have better things.