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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my baby left alone with FIL

192 replies

LottieB1994 · 09/02/2025 10:31

I’m at the end of my tether with my FIL and want to know AIBU. I have a 4 month old and the reasons I have are:

  • He is extremely full on with all 3 of his grandchildren, wanting to constantly play, hold etc to a level that isn’t normal.
  • He has never shown any interest in me as a person, never asks me any q’s about myself, knows hardly anything about me due to this. He only talks about himself in conversation with everyone.
  • When I was pregnant he decided he was coming for a week when I gave birth, then another week 2 weeks later (this never happened as DH stepped in) without caring if I felt comfortable with this - he stated he was coming on my due date to stay nearby, which I was extremely uncomfortable with as I knew the baby was unlikely to even arrive then and he’d be there waiting for me to go into labour. When I saw him while pregnant he touched my belly in a way that also made me feel really uncomfortable like he wanted the baby out asap so he could have him.
  • With the other grandchildren, he feeds them an absolutely WILD amount of sugar all day every day. The 2 year old GD he feeds literal crap, offering milky ways, bars of chocolate, cakes, eclairs, fizzy drinks te list goes on and on. This is fine, however, with our DS he is already saying he can’t wait to give him these same foods without even asking if this is ok.
  • In same vein he is saying that 4 month old needs weaning now, he’s hungry, making “mummy isn’t feeding you enough” comments to him when we are at dinner table with him. I am BF and don’t feel he likes this. Keeps saying “next time you come you’ll be having farleys rusks/lollipops/chocolate/crisps” - this makes me feel extremely anxious as I want to wean him onto non sweet foods first and don’t want him having this type of food at just 9 months old which is when we will next be staying.
  • He also has been sitting DS in front of the 2 year olds iPad which she is obsessed with - going “watch the pad! Do you want to watch some TV?” While DH and I don’t want him having screen time.
  • while holding him he starts crying and he actively avoids giving him to me, I think it annoys him that he is crying and he tries to either walk off holding him or give him to SIL. This makes me angry - he is obsessed with trying to settle him himself
  • He acts slightly annoyed when baby needs to nap during the day and I take him off to nap, saying eg “he had a 2 hour nap this morning isn’t he done for today?”
  • He keeps undermining me, I keep saying baby is teething (as he is - HV told me) and he keeps saying “he’s chewing his fists he’s hungry” and “I don’t think hes teething at his age” to SIL in front of me, though I keep reiterating he is.
  • He has been showering the other 10 year old grandson which I think is really weird and uncomfortable, a level of involvement that is far too intense and I don’t want my son being treated like this. With the 2 year old he is literally like a kid in a candy shop all day trying to be the centre of attention with her, shouting and constantly trying to clutch onto her.
  • Hes been asking to look after my DS alone for upcoming weddings we have, and acted annoyed that I said I don’t want to leave him yet (I am actually leaving him with my mum as I do not trust him or want him alone with my son)
  • He has also been ramming and holding dummy into my sons mouth when he cries, which makes me feel upset and I have now stopped him doing this by saying we’re only using dummy for nap time.

All of this honestly is making my skin crawl and I really don’t want my DS having much more to do with him as I feel like he is extremely strange and also has zero respect for me as his mother and us as parents, assuming he will be doing these unhealthy things with our son. I have said to DH I don’t want him looking after our baby alone until he is much older.

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
Bristolinfeb · 09/02/2025 10:32

Sensible decision.

Immavet · 09/02/2025 10:34

Showering with his 10 year old grandson?? Please never let your child with him at any age. Oh my god.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 09/02/2025 10:35

Why do you see him so often? I would be taking a huge step away from him. Is MIL around?

Showering a ten year old is creepy as fuck.

MissUltraViolet · 09/02/2025 10:37

You’re not being unreasonable. I’d be worried about your DH not having strong feelings about this too.

Why hasn’t he spoken to his dad about some of these behaviours or set any boundaries?

WickWood · 09/02/2025 10:39

You don't have to leave your child with anyone you're not comfortable with, family or otherwise. I have a 4 month old and he's been with my parents only and nobody else!

TuesdayRubies · 09/02/2025 10:39

Just one or two of that list would make me heavily reduce contact. YANBU in the slightest. You would be very unreasonable to leave your precious DS with this man.

Jasmin71 · 09/02/2025 10:40

You are totally justified in this decision, please don't leave your little one alone with him.

DancingHippos · 09/02/2025 10:41

Are the other grandchildren nieces and nephews? Are their parents aware of what is going on? What is your DH saying about all this?
I wouldn't have him any childcare responsibilities when he is around the children. I'd also minimise context.

Gymrabbit · 09/02/2025 10:42

Immavet · 09/02/2025 10:34

Showering with his 10 year old grandson?? Please never let your child with him at any age. Oh my god.

To be fair she says ‘showering’ not ‘showering with’ which is a little strange/overstepping but not to that level….

TheThreeMiracles · 09/02/2025 10:42

Just re read your post ! A 10 year old doesn't need showering ! At 10 they should be able to shower alone ( with the help of washing hair from mum or dad if need be ) that raises a lot of alarm bells and I would not leave my kids with him what so ever !

Isittimeformynapyet · 09/02/2025 10:43

MissUltraViolet · 09/02/2025 10:37

You’re not being unreasonable. I’d be worried about your DH not having strong feelings about this too.

Why hasn’t he spoken to his dad about some of these behaviours or set any boundaries?

(this never happened as DH stepped in)

Let's hope OP's DH continues to step in.

PermanentTemporary · 09/02/2025 10:44

Christ! No you're fine with your decision. Do you know what, you have the power here, though you clearly dont feel it. Find your voice.

Do you know the MN classic 'No is a complete sentence'? This is the kind of situation it was made for. Stick on a big smile if you like when you say it, but SAY it and mean it.

Original poster
LottieB1994 · 09/02/2025 10:44

TheThreeMiracles · 09/02/2025 10:42

Just re read your post ! A 10 year old doesn't need showering ! At 10 they should be able to shower alone ( with the help of washing hair from mum or dad if need be ) that raises a lot of alarm bells and I would not leave my kids with him what so ever !

Yep this happened last night and was the final straw in what has been a very annoying week - apparently he was just giving him his towel according to DH but I could hear him with him in the bathroom talking to him for more time than I’d even deem necessary for his privacy. I think he was in there for a while which is so strange and unacceptable when he’s 10.

OP posts:
TheThreeMiracles · 09/02/2025 10:45

Do the parents of the 10 year old know he's being showered by fil ?

theduchessofspork · 09/02/2025 10:45

Some vary strange behaviour. Have you discussed your feelings with DH? You need to set clear boundaries here and easier if DH understands fully where you are coming from.

If DH is willing to I would also suggest he gently suggest to his sibling that 10 is way too old to be showered by your granddad, he may well mean no actual harm, but it’s messing with the kid’s boundaries.

He sounds somewhat mentally unwell to me, steer as clear as you can

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 09/02/2025 10:47

He sounds as dodgy as fuck!!
He def needs less time around your ds... Make some plans to see your friends 'unexpected' if need be when he visits and take dc with you. Even if you sit in a soft play alone with them! Your dh is obviously blinkered... Maybe tentatively mention dc aged 10 don't need a chaperone in the shower... Has he even indicated HE didn't have a 'safe' childhood.? My dh had a fractured childhood.. Some vile episode was disclosed about him and mil....
Glad you are taking the safety of your dc seriously.. Some don't..

Sugargliderwombat · 09/02/2025 10:48

It's really hard but you need to stand up to this man and also let your in laws know that he doesn't give the 10 year old privacy.

Edited to add : stand up to him if you ever see him, I think you're absolutely right right to limit contact with your child.

Thingymajigii · 09/02/2025 10:53

You're right to trust your gut. This is not normal behaviour and he should never be left alone with any of the children. Sorry that you have this to deal with - I totally understand how hard this is.

JimHalpertsWife · 09/02/2025 10:53

Ffs I'd never see this man again, and I'd be letting 10yos parents know exactly what's going on.

Is this the man who lost his wife recently and you had to traipse to the far end of the Scottish Islands?

BlueFlint · 09/02/2025 10:57

Trust. Your. Gut.

You do not have to leave your child with anyone who makes you uncomfortable, or undermines you. You do not "owe" alone time with your child to anyone, family or otherwise.

SpringIsSprung25 · 09/02/2025 10:57

No way. Never leave your child with him however old.

Very weird behaviour. I’ve never known a grandfather want to get so involved. How old is he?

Maxorias · 09/02/2025 11:05

LottieB1994 · 09/02/2025 10:44

Yep this happened last night and was the final straw in what has been a very annoying week - apparently he was just giving him his towel according to DH but I could hear him with him in the bathroom talking to him for more time than I’d even deem necessary for his privacy. I think he was in there for a while which is so strange and unacceptable when he’s 10.

Show quote history

That's not at all the same thing as "showering him" though. Being in the bathroom and talking to the boy (who presumably is behind the curtain of the shower) is not on the same level as actually seeing/touching him while he's naked. Is this the only time it's happened ?

This said he does sound creepy/weird and the food thing alone would make me want not to let him look after my kids.

Original poster
LottieB1994 · 09/02/2025 11:07

Maxorias · 09/02/2025 11:05

That's not at all the same thing as "showering him" though. Being in the bathroom and talking to the boy (who presumably is behind the curtain of the shower) is not on the same level as actually seeing/touching him while he's naked. Is this the only time it's happened ?

This said he does sound creepy/weird and the food thing alone would make me want not to let him look after my kids.

Show quote history

There is no curtain, it’s glass so he would have been able to see him.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 09/02/2025 11:10

First post nails it. Foot down and don't allow. I'd be a bit careful about lying to him over leaving the baby with your Mum.....is there any way he could turn up at hers and cause trouble?

Cornflakes123 · 09/02/2025 11:13

all of this would make me feel really uncomfortable as well op. Have you spoken to your partner about your concerns? If my fil touched my pregnant belly I would be freaked. I couldn’t stand someone like this staying in my house.

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