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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my baby left alone with FIL

192 replies

LottieB1994 · 09/02/2025 10:31

I’m at the end of my tether with my FIL and want to know AIBU. I have a 4 month old and the reasons I have are:

He is extremely full on with all 3 of his grandchildren, wanting to constantly play, hold etc to a level that isn’t normal.
He has never shown any interest in me as a person, never asks me any q’s about myself, knows hardly anything about me due to this. He only talks about himself in conversation with everyone.
When I was pregnant he decided he was coming for a week when I gave birth, then another week 2 weeks later (this never happened as DH stepped in) without caring if I felt comfortable with this - he stated he was coming on my due date to stay nearby, which I was extremely uncomfortable with as I knew the baby was unlikely to even arrive then and he’d be there waiting for me to go into labour. When I saw him while pregnant he touched my belly in a way that also made me feel really uncomfortable like he wanted the baby out asap so he could have him.
With the other grandchildren, he feeds them an absolutely WILD amount of sugar all day every day. The 2 year old GD he feeds literal crap, offering milky ways, bars of chocolate, cakes, eclairs, fizzy drinks te list goes on and on. This is fine, however, with our DS he is already saying he can’t wait to give him these same foods without even asking if this is ok.
In same vein he is saying that 4 month old needs weaning now, he’s hungry, making “mummy isn’t feeding you enough” comments to him when we are at dinner table with him. I am BF and don’t feel he likes this. Keeps saying “next time you come you’ll be having farleys rusks/lollipops/chocolate/crisps” - this makes me feel extremely anxious as I want to wean him onto non sweet foods first and don’t want him having this type of food at just 9 months old which is when we will next be staying.
He also has been sitting DS in front of the 2 year olds iPad which she is obsessed with - going “watch the pad! Do you want to watch some TV?” While DH and I don’t want him having screen time.
while holding him he starts crying and he actively avoids giving him to me, I think it annoys him that he is crying and he tries to either walk off holding him or give him to SIL. This makes me angry - he is obsessed with trying to settle him himself
He acts slightly annoyed when baby needs to nap during the day and I take him off to nap, saying eg “he had a 2 hour nap this morning isn’t he done for today?”
He keeps undermining me, I keep saying baby is teething (as he is - HV told me) and he keeps saying “he’s chewing his fists he’s hungry” and “I don’t think hes teething at his age” to SIL in front of me, though I keep reiterating he is.
He has been showering the other 10 year old grandson which I think is really weird and uncomfortable, a level of involvement that is far too intense and I don’t want my son being treated like this. With the 2 year old he is literally like a kid in a candy shop all day trying to be the centre of attention with her, shouting and constantly trying to clutch onto her.
Hes been asking to look after my DS alone for upcoming weddings we have, and acted annoyed that I said I don’t want to leave him yet (I am actually leaving him with my mum as I do not trust him or want him alone with my son)
He has also been ramming and holding dummy into my sons mouth when he cries, which makes me feel upset and I have now stopped him doing this by saying we’re only using dummy for nap time.

All of this honestly is making my skin crawl and I really don’t want my DS having much more to do with him as I feel like he is extremely strange and also has zero respect for me as his mother and us as parents, assuming he will be doing these unhealthy things with our son. I have said to DH I don’t want him looking after our baby alone until he is much older.

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:

TheLargestToblerone · 09/02/2025 13:37

Nope. I wouldn't ever be staying with him again, and go to the absolute minimal contact you reasonably can. You should not have to be battling over any of these things with him - what you (and DH) say goes when it comes to all of the parenting choices you listed. At best I would say that DH lays the law down about these things one time, and makes clear to him that none of this is up for negotiation. If he tries any of it, no more contact with your child.

I have said to DH I don’t want him looking after our baby alone until he is much older.

The only thing you're slightly unreasonable about is this. I don't think you should have him look after your child alone ever, at any age, no exceptions.

Dontbeabitterlemon · 09/02/2025 13:49

listen to your gut (and the facts back this up).

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 09/02/2025 13:51

theallotmentqueen · 09/02/2025 13:34

Yeah, the showering the grandson thing is tricky, because it could either be innocent or predatory and its hard to tell which at first glance. For example, when I was 10 my Granny used to hang out with me when I had a bath - we lived together and I liked it when she read me stories in the bath. She would sometimes comb my hair for me as well, which I loved - she was very old and sick at this point, so it was a way we could bond and hang out. I never felt unsafe, violated or upset - I loved hanging out with her, and loved lying in the bath while she read me books. Those are some really happy memories for me. Our family is very chill with nudity, so when my older sister and I visit home, if we're having a good convo our family will continue to chat when someone is in the bath.

That being said, incest/sexual abuse isn't just an ACTION, it could also be described as a DYNAMIC, and in this context the intention of the FIL is really important. Is he in the bathroom because he's chatting with the kid (e.g. the kid asked him to bring a bottle of shampoo)? Is this normal within the dynamic of the family? Do the parents of the 10 year old feel about it? Most importantly, how does the 10 year old feel about it? Does the child feel uncomfortable/violated by the experience? Kids tend to be able to pick up on the 'vibe' on an interaction pretty well, and if they feel uncomfortable that's a sign that something is up. For example, I have never once felt uncomfortable undressing/being naked in front of my mum and sister, because its normal within our family culture and I know they aren't looking at me in a weird way. However, I did used to feel weird getting undressed in front of the person who eventually sexually assaulted me before they even did anything (in changing rooms). I couldn't figure out why I felt weird about it as a child, but now I know - it's because I was picking up on their predatory intention toward me.

Obviously, the comfort of a child is not the only barometer to figure out if the FIL is predatory. Grooming can mean that children beg to stay with their abuser, or children can simply be innocently unaware of predatory intentions toward them. However, it's a pretty good place to start off with - if the child doesn't want to be left alone with an adult, even one who seems innocent/nice, that should be questioned and investigated.

Edited

Show quote history

Agree. I had an ex who had two kids and the little girl and I used to get in the bath together and wash each others hair. I adored her and we had such a laugh together. She would have been six/seven at the time. She loved my fancy shampoo and conditioner.

There was nothing sexual about it at all but I look back now and wonder what her Mum would have thought.

Dontbeabitterlemon · 09/02/2025 13:52

Has dh ever mentioned anything inappropriate in his childhood? If there’s nothing untoward from this then perhaps grandad is over invested and not very self aware.
I think best to sit down with dh and discuss your concerns with the grandad if possible.

onwardsup4 · 09/02/2025 13:59

SparklingJoyous · 09/02/2025 12:06

Omg please advocate for the 10 year old and stop him doing this!! Hugely inappropriate

Yes this did anyone pull him up on this?

Cherrysoup · 09/02/2025 14:00

You need to advocate for your child. Take screens/dummies off him immediately. Take him back if he cries, sod fil walking off with him! He’s just further upsetting your baby. Screens for a baby! Bonkers.

Cornflakes123 · 09/02/2025 14:01

Engleberthumper · 09/02/2025 12:03

The worrying thing about all of this is that so many are calling him a weirdo. The ones calling him a weirdo are looking through the lense of their own life experience and they have probably been abused by their parents or close family sadly.

From my end of the lense, having come from a loving, abuse free childhood, I tend to see him as a loving, involved grand dad.

But, from the comments on here and elsewhere on mumsnet I am constantly staggered by the level of abuse " mums seem to have suffered during their childhood. It is a national disgrace.

Show quote history

Thanks for your analysis . I’ve come from a loving family with no history of abuse but agree with everyone who thinks this behaviour is creepy

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/02/2025 14:09

Yanbu, at best he sounds really overbearing, undermining and annoying

If you are suggesting that there may be some kind of perverted sexual undertones to his behaviour though then yabu to have any contact with your fil as abusers will find a way even when you're present. I'd be looking into a police check (can't remember which law it is)

Shireswoman · 09/02/2025 14:12

Clare's law.

Jasmin71 · 09/02/2025 14:21

ScaryM0nster · 09/02/2025 12:56

I’m just going to make the gentle comment that nakedness is perfectly normal in many cultures and societies.

Go to Finland and swimwear is banned in public saunas, showering naked before using public pools is mandatory. Naturist groups, including ones with family’s are alive and well in the UK.

It’s not appropriate to judge a full situation solely based on their perspective on being naked in front of family members.

A lot of comments here have applied their own prudishness onto a situation in another household and immediately decided it’s criminal. Each to their own on how comfortable they are, but need to consider the wider reasonable range before jumping to conclusions.

Except we aren't in Finland!

I agree that there are different cultural norms in other places but this is happening here

JimHalpertsWife · 09/02/2025 14:27

Go to Finland and swimwear is banned in public saunas, showering naked before using public pools is mandatory

There are countries where its legal for a grown man to marry a five year old.

Using other countries to justify societal abnormalities in the UK doesn't work.

Funnywonder · 09/02/2025 14:33

Your FIL sounds very overbearing whether there is anything untoward in his interactions with the 10 year old or not. My FIL assumed that we would be leaving our baby overnight with him and MIL because this had been the case with his other two grandchildren. They had their eldest grandchild to stay every single weekend from she was only a couple of months old. SIL was glad of the break, but the downside was that they felt as though they had some say in how she was raised. They interfered and dictated and threw an almighty strop if their granddaughter wasn’t able to stay for some reason. When I got pregnant, I said no way was this happening with our child. We just refused to leave our son with them, until he was old enough to make the decision to himself, which he rarely did anyway. The result is that our children are not the favourites. They are treated well enough, but there is definitely a distance that has come with us deciding not to hand them over. And I can live with that!

diddl · 09/02/2025 14:36

So how many GC does he have & how many is he looking after?

Are the parents OK about it or potentially daren't say no?

I have said to DH I don’t want him looking after our baby alone until he is much older.

Why would you ever be leaving your child with him given that you dislike him & don't trust him?

HippogriffTattoo · 09/02/2025 14:44

Oh you're the one who didn't want to go be with your husband after his mum died.

Just go home

HippogriffTattoo · 09/02/2025 14:45

Just make sure he doesn't walk off a cliff like you were worried about in your other thread. With him living so rurally and all

JimHalpertsWife · 09/02/2025 14:45

HippogriffTattoo · 09/02/2025 14:44

Oh you're the one who didn't want to go be with your husband after his mum died.

Just go home

She did want to go - just closer to the actual funeral, not for over a month

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/02/2025 14:45

You've given so many examples of how irritating, disrespectful, goes against your expressed wishes re food etc and how annoying he is in general- that alone would be enough to take a giant step back.

Given your other concerns, I think that is more than enough to say a firm no to any unsupervised contact. Maybe some will think that is over protective, but that's my opinion.
You'll need your DH to support it. No need to make a big declaration, just quietly make other arrangements and I would mention the showering to the boy's mother.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/02/2025 14:46

Trust your instincts OP. And a clear-cut message before your next trip.

“Hi FIL, just to let you know we are following a strict weaning process with our child so please do not offer them any food. We will provide all food for child during our stay with you. If you don’t want to agree with this we can move our visit to a later date. I don’t want any discussions about this please, we are following health professional and NHS guidance. Like-wise we will not be allowing screen time until child is over 3. So please do not offer any screens to child during our visit. Thank you”

Applesonthelawn · 09/02/2025 14:57

You're the mum, you call the shots. End of. YADNBU. Stand your ground.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 09/02/2025 14:57

@LottieB1994 what does your dh say about all this???

Toooldtorave · 09/02/2025 15:04

theduchessofspork · 09/02/2025 10:45

Some vary strange behaviour. Have you discussed your feelings with DH? You need to set clear boundaries here and easier if DH understands fully where you are coming from.

If DH is willing to I would also suggest he gently suggest to his sibling that 10 is way too old to be showered by your granddad, he may well mean no actual harm, but it’s messing with the kid’s boundaries.

He sounds somewhat mentally unwell to me, steer as clear as you can

Edited

This! I’d never leave any of my children alone with the man described.

Not only this but I feel you need to set some firm boundaries - no offering piles of shitty sweet treats without checking with you first - and not in front of the kids as he’ll make you out to be a misery by saying no. Which is not on - how bloody dare he assume that his way is the right and only way!

Black and white thinking - has he got borderline personality disorder?

Alltheyearround · 09/02/2025 15:43

I'd be stepping the hell away.

My grandfather was a child abuser and all this boundary pushing with you and children in the family makes my hackles rise. It is sadly all too very familiar.

I would be communicating with the 10 year old's family.

The grandfather's behaviour is sinister, and nothing good can come from it, trust me. At the very least it's emotionally abusive, at worst physically/sexually.

Damage limitation. Maybe also check on his background - Claire's Law or similar. I bet he has form. I'd put money on it.

TurkeyLurkey4 · 09/02/2025 15:46

I wrote a similar post a couple of years ago about my FIL being weird and crossing boundaries around my littles ones and giving me a horrible feeling in my stomach. Unsolicited opinions, weird style of play, all about him, weirdly confrontational about parenting decisions and too keen to be there all the time to ‘lend a hand’. I had lots of support on MN at the time too and just wanted to say that you are well within your rights to feel odd about him, and well within your rights to limit contact and definitely not have him do childcare. There is something so difficult when there is no smoking gun, it’s just a very present feeling of being ill at ease around this person. Trust your gut. Listen to your instincts. Even if there is nothing more sinister going on, I don’t think it’s good for small children to be around someone so unaware of other people’s autonomy and who is engaging in play that, consciously or otherwise, breaks down a child’s sense of boundaries and could leave them more vulnerable in the future. Good on you for voicing it. Keep listening to that feeling and if I were you, I would tell the other set of parents about the presence while showering. At best it’s invading that child’s privacy, at worst… something far more sinister is going on.

godmum56 · 09/02/2025 15:54

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/02/2025 14:46

Trust your instincts OP. And a clear-cut message before your next trip.

much easier to just not go.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/02/2025 16:01

godmum56 · 09/02/2025 15:54

much easier to just not go.

Show quote history

Well exactly. Maybe once a year, briefly at a push, with a backbone firmly in place to advocate for child. And no unsupervised visits. Anyone who DEMANDED my child without my presence would never be granted it. Only people I know, like & trust with my life and who may have offered but not demanded or pestered.

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