To not want my baby left alone with FIL

[LottieB1994]

I’m at the end of my tether with my FIL and want to know AIBU. I have a 4 month old and the reasons I have are:

• He is extremely full on with all 3 of his grandchildren, wanting to constantly play, hold etc to a level that isn’t normal.
• He has never shown any interest in me as a person, never asks me any q’s about myself, knows hardly anything about me due to this. He only talks about himself in conversation with everyone.
• When I was pregnant he decided he was coming for a week when I gave birth, then another week 2 weeks later (this never happened as DH stepped in) without caring if I felt comfortable with this - he stated he was coming on my due date to stay nearby, which I was extremely uncomfortable with as I knew the baby was unlikely to even arrive then and he’d be there waiting for me to go into labour. When I saw him while pregnant he touched my belly in a way that also made me feel really uncomfortable like he wanted the baby out asap so he could have him.
• With the other grandchildren, he feeds them an absolutely WILD amount of sugar all day every day. The 2 year old GD he feeds literal crap, offering milky ways, bars of chocolate, cakes, eclairs, fizzy drinks te list goes on and on. This is fine, however, with our DS he is already saying he can’t wait to give him these same foods without even asking if this is ok.
• In same vein he is saying that 4 month old needs weaning now, he’s hungry, making “mummy isn’t feeding you enough” comments to him when we are at dinner table with him. I am BF and don’t feel he likes this. Keeps saying “next time you come you’ll be having farleys rusks/lollipops/chocolate/crisps” - this makes me feel extremely anxious as I want to wean him onto non sweet foods first and don’t want him having this type of food at just 9 months old which is when we will next be staying.
• He also has been sitting DS in front of the 2 year olds iPad which she is obsessed with - going “watch the pad! Do you want to watch some TV?” While DH and I don’t want him having screen time.
• while holding him he starts crying and he actively avoids giving him to me, I think it annoys him that he is crying and he tries to either walk off holding him or give him to SIL. This makes me angry - he is obsessed with trying to settle him himself
• He acts slightly annoyed when baby needs to nap during the day and I take him off to nap, saying eg “he had a 2 hour nap this morning isn’t he done for today?”
• He keeps undermining me, I keep saying baby is teething (as he is - HV told me) and he keeps saying “he’s chewing his fists he’s hungry” and “I don’t think hes teething at his age” to SIL in front of me, though I keep reiterating he is.
• He has been showering the other 10 year old grandson which I think is really weird and uncomfortable, a level of involvement that is far too intense and I don’t want my son being treated like this. With the 2 year old he is literally like a kid in a candy shop all day trying to be the centre of attention with her, shouting and constantly trying to clutch onto her.
• Hes been asking to look after my DS alone for upcoming weddings we have, and acted annoyed that I said I don’t want to leave him yet (I am actually leaving him with my mum as I do not trust him or want him alone with my son)
• He has also been ramming and holding dummy into my sons mouth when he cries, which makes me feel upset and I have now stopped him doing this by saying we’re only using dummy for nap time.

All of this honestly is making my skin crawl and I really don’t want my DS having much more to do with him as I feel like he is extremely strange and also has zero respect for me as his mother and us as parents, assuming he will be doing these unhealthy things with our son. I have said to DH I don’t want him looking after our baby alone until he is much older.

AIBU to feel like this?

You need to trust your insticts, OP. FWIW, no, I wouldn't leave my child alone with this person; nor would I stay in their house at all.

I don't think there would be anything wrong with my dad seeing my 8 year old son naked. Maybe in a year or so that will change but 10 doesn't seem outrageous to me.
It does make a difference if op thinks there is something off and grandad has gone in there on purpose but that's to do with trust.

Don't be ridiculous. It is totally weird for an unrelated man to touch a pregnant woman's belly without her consent and to comment on her breast feeding her baby in ways that make the woman feel really uncomfortable and freaked out.

He sounds attention seeking and overbearing rather than loving.

Red flags everywhere!

What does your husband say about his dad's behaviour?

Please tell me you have highlighted this to the 10 years old parents?

trust your gut. Get your husband to set firm boundaries as you don’t want to have to deal with any outraged PIL. My husband is a wet lettuce and did not at all. Inappropriate times - taking DC out and not coming back for hours when I was BF. Feeding things the Dr has diagnosed a food intolerance to. Giving them gobstoppers to run around with at soft play. Etc. Just did not care at all and then verbally attacked me as if I was unreasonable. DC now hardly spend time with PIL and my marriage is in tatters.

Don't ever let your child be alone with this man, ever. Stop letting him 'tell' you what to do, stop letting him do what he wants about ipads or dummies. Tell him to fuck off and mind his own business each and every time. You would be far better off keeping him out of your house and your children well away from him altogether. Tell the 10 year old's parents about him being alone with their naked child in the bathroom. Your husband needs to support you and just cut him off, this creep will only cause you more and more problems unless he is just not in your life.

That's fair, I misread, and it is different. Although still a red flag for me!!

Do we really have to jump from an over indulgent, overly involved, opinionated GF to he's an obvious paedophile. He sounds difficult, a bit of a pain, lacking in boundaries and I think getting him to stick to the op's rules is going to be a challenge but I wouldn't go further than that, unless you have information we don't.

Has the op's DH said there was abuse in the family when he was young?

I’m just going to make the gentle comment that nakedness is perfectly normal in many cultures and societies.

Go to Finland and swimwear is banned in public saunas, showering naked before using public pools is mandatory. Naturist groups, including ones with family’s are alive and well in the UK.

It’s not appropriate to judge a full situation solely based on their perspective on being naked in front of family members.

A lot of comments here have applied their own prudishness onto a situation in another household and immediately decided it’s criminal. Each to their own on how comfortable they are, but need to consider the wider reasonable range before jumping to conclusions.

My Mil whom I had a strained relationship touched mine without asking and at some point said "oh there's nothing wrong with grandma touching the bump". It's not for her to declare that at all.

Op he sounds awful you don't have to put up with this

Agree. This is so, so wrong.
What on earth is going on - why would anyone let 'grandad' do this??

OP trust your instincts.

Excuse me? You couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve never been abused by anyone. What a ridiculous assumption. The man is quite clearly overstepping boundaries. The OP has a gut feeling that she needs to heed. HTH

There's a lot of "think" and "apparently's" here though. It does sound like you didn't fully witness this and are making assumptions. He could have passed him a towel and stood with his back to him whilst finishing what he was saying.

I can't be sure of this man's intentions as I don't know him but it definitely sounds like you hate him and whatever he does now is going to set you off.

The touching your stomach as if he's trying to get the baby out sooner? What does that even mean? He was forcefully massaging it? Touching you in any way is not ok without permission but the way you've described it sounds really strange.

Also, you seem fixated about how he is with your son. Was he/is he not like this with your daughter?

Get him out your life asap. This is awful. Why are you even asking if you are BU. Of course you're not. Why's he touching you when pregnatn. Vile. Please go no contact. Even if he's not the predator he appears to be, what exactly is he bringing to the table in your family life? I don't understand why you're even questioning it???

At 4 months old, I couldn’t leave my baby with anyone.

More red flags than a row of bunting. This is, at best, narcissistic behaviour not to respect reasonable boundaries for responsible childcare.
No one's wants or feelings are more important than the welfare of children.

You are right to be concerned, trust your instincts.

Screaming and grabbing children? That alone would do it for me. And the sweets etc? No way would he be looking after my child.

I wouldn't want him to spend any time alone with my child, no matter what age. It's not up to him what the child eats or when he's weaned, either. There's no way he should have been in the bathroom with his grandson. What does his grandson's parents think of that? What does your husband say?

I agree with this in that it sounds like rank narc behaviour. The fact that he knows bugger all about you OP and has never made effort to find out, as well as his general behaviours would have me being very careful what interaction he had with my DC. At best, his behaviour might rub off.

I don't necessarily see him as a paedo. I would want more info from DH about that side of things. I would want to discuss it in a (at first) low key way with the parent of the 10yo too.

I've never understood this overwhelming demand for GPs to have the child on their own. It comes up again and again and I find this chilling. They don't even have the cop on to phrase it in a way that makes it look like they are babysitting. They actually use the term 'on my/our own'. It's weird.

You don't 'owe' ANYONE access to your child. Seeing his grandson is a privilege, not a right. Your FIL is clearly irresponsible and incapable of properly interacting with or looking after your children. Furthermore, he has made it clear to you that he doesn't respect your wishes as a parent, and ultimately, that he doesn't care about the health or safety of your child (endless sweets and unregulated screentime online - not a safe or age appropriate space unless really carefully monitered!)

I think that you'll need to talk with your partner about this. There could be some kind of compromise if your husband doesn't want to cut his Dad off, which is reasonable - for example, you don't have to be in you FIL's presence and your husband brings your kids to visit him, if your FIL wants to see the kids he has to promise to behave appropriately etc. Ultimately though, I'd make it clear to your husband that your FIL's behaviours aren't appropriate or safe at all - emphasise that it's not that you dislike the FIL, but you are worried about your children. Centre the argument not around yourself but around your kids. Good luck, what a horrible situation to be in!

Honestly, you need to lose your rag with him big time. Put your most serious scary yet quiet tone and say to him if you don't back off you will never see my kids again. He sounds creepy as fuck. Your getting weird vibes for a reason. I trust all of mine and Dps relatives with my kids, none of them would ever act like this. Honestly tell him to fuck off.

Same. Briefly with Dm or Dmil that's it.

Re reading it again had made me feel so angry. Please replace your "anxiety" with anger and SPEAK UP for your kids- no one has the right to shove a dummy in your kids mouth when you've said not too. If someone would have done that I'd have wanted to punch them in the face.

Yeah, the showering the grandson thing is tricky, because it could either be innocent or predatory and its hard to tell which at first glance. For example, when I was 10 my Granny used to hang out with me when I had a bath - we lived together and I liked it when she read me stories in the bath. She would sometimes comb my hair for me as well, which I loved - she was very old and sick at this point, so it was a way we could bond and hang out. I never felt unsafe, violated or upset - I loved hanging out with her, and loved lying in the bath while she read me books. Those are some really happy memories for me. Our family is very chill with nudity, so when my older sister and I visit home, if we're having a good convo our family will continue to chat when someone is in the bath.

That being said, incest/sexual abuse isn't just an ACTION, it could also be described as a DYNAMIC, and in this context the intention of the FIL is really important. Is he in the bathroom because he's chatting with the kid (e.g. the kid asked him to bring a bottle of shampoo)? Is this normal within the dynamic of the family? Do the parents of the 10 year old feel about it? Most importantly, how does the 10 year old feel about it? Does the child feel uncomfortable/violated by the experience? Kids tend to be able to pick up on the 'vibe' on an interaction pretty well, and if they feel uncomfortable that's a sign that something is up. For example, I have never once felt uncomfortable undressing/being naked in front of my mum and sister, because its normal within our family culture and I know they aren't looking at me in a weird way. However, I did used to feel weird getting undressed in front of the person who eventually sexually assaulted me before they even did anything (in changing rooms). I couldn't figure out why I felt weird about it as a child, but now I know - it's because I was picking up on their predatory intention toward me.

Obviously, the comfort of a child is not the only barometer to figure out if the FIL is predatory. Grooming can mean that children beg to stay with their abuser, or children can simply be innocently unaware of predatory intentions toward them. However, it's a pretty good place to start off with - if the child doesn't want to be left alone with an adult, even one who seems innocent/nice, that should be questioned and investigated.