To not want my baby left alone with FIL

[LottieB1994]

I’m at the end of my tether with my FIL and want to know AIBU. I have a 4 month old and the reasons I have are:

• He is extremely full on with all 3 of his grandchildren, wanting to constantly play, hold etc to a level that isn’t normal.
• He has never shown any interest in me as a person, never asks me any q’s about myself, knows hardly anything about me due to this. He only talks about himself in conversation with everyone.
• When I was pregnant he decided he was coming for a week when I gave birth, then another week 2 weeks later (this never happened as DH stepped in) without caring if I felt comfortable with this - he stated he was coming on my due date to stay nearby, which I was extremely uncomfortable with as I knew the baby was unlikely to even arrive then and he’d be there waiting for me to go into labour. When I saw him while pregnant he touched my belly in a way that also made me feel really uncomfortable like he wanted the baby out asap so he could have him.
• With the other grandchildren, he feeds them an absolutely WILD amount of sugar all day every day. The 2 year old GD he feeds literal crap, offering milky ways, bars of chocolate, cakes, eclairs, fizzy drinks te list goes on and on. This is fine, however, with our DS he is already saying he can’t wait to give him these same foods without even asking if this is ok.
• In same vein he is saying that 4 month old needs weaning now, he’s hungry, making “mummy isn’t feeding you enough” comments to him when we are at dinner table with him. I am BF and don’t feel he likes this. Keeps saying “next time you come you’ll be having farleys rusks/lollipops/chocolate/crisps” - this makes me feel extremely anxious as I want to wean him onto non sweet foods first and don’t want him having this type of food at just 9 months old which is when we will next be staying.
• He also has been sitting DS in front of the 2 year olds iPad which she is obsessed with - going “watch the pad! Do you want to watch some TV?” While DH and I don’t want him having screen time.
• while holding him he starts crying and he actively avoids giving him to me, I think it annoys him that he is crying and he tries to either walk off holding him or give him to SIL. This makes me angry - he is obsessed with trying to settle him himself
• He acts slightly annoyed when baby needs to nap during the day and I take him off to nap, saying eg “he had a 2 hour nap this morning isn’t he done for today?”
• He keeps undermining me, I keep saying baby is teething (as he is - HV told me) and he keeps saying “he’s chewing his fists he’s hungry” and “I don’t think hes teething at his age” to SIL in front of me, though I keep reiterating he is.
• He has been showering the other 10 year old grandson which I think is really weird and uncomfortable, a level of involvement that is far too intense and I don’t want my son being treated like this. With the 2 year old he is literally like a kid in a candy shop all day trying to be the centre of attention with her, shouting and constantly trying to clutch onto her.
• Hes been asking to look after my DS alone for upcoming weddings we have, and acted annoyed that I said I don’t want to leave him yet (I am actually leaving him with my mum as I do not trust him or want him alone with my son)
• He has also been ramming and holding dummy into my sons mouth when he cries, which makes me feel upset and I have now stopped him doing this by saying we’re only using dummy for nap time.

All of this honestly is making my skin crawl and I really don’t want my DS having much more to do with him as I feel like he is extremely strange and also has zero respect for me as his mother and us as parents, assuming he will be doing these unhealthy things with our son. I have said to DH I don’t want him looking after our baby alone until he is much older.

AIBU to feel like this?

I agree with all the posters saying this is strange and weird behaviour. I would be very wary and careful.

I would also be very clear on boundaries - directly with him whenever you are together. look him in the eye and state “this is how we are doing xyz with your grandson”

He sounds totally unhinged and I would see as little as possible of him.
Never leave your child alone with this person and warn the in-laws about him lingering in the shower with the 10 year old boy.
Also, feeding the other Grandkids all the sugary crap is ridiculous, if he ever tries to feed your child rubbish like this, you must be a Mama Bear and stand up to this idiot, like he’s never been stood up to before. Stand your ground, you are absolutely right with your feelings about this man.

You are being totally unreasonable because it’s all about
‘i’
’my’

Its ‘our’ child and your husband gets a lot of input into how your joint child interacts with his family.

Most of what you’ve described is pretty standard grandparent behaviour, and current at the time your husband was raised.

As with almost all things child related, there are many ‘ok’ answers and only a handful that are actively wrong.

Giving kids sugary snacks occasionally isn’t a disaster.

YANBU OP.

This guy sounds abnormal in so many ways.
Creepy, inappropriate and controlling behavour.
Frankly, I'm surprised you have to ask.
Just go with your gut, you don't need abnormal people around, 'caring' for you DC.

Why do you even visit this dickhead? He sounds unbearable (and possibly has paedo tendencies 🤮) no way would I let him have my dc alone.

I can't understand why your dh isn't telling him to stop it, and that his behaviour is fucking weird?

There's no "occasionally" with the snacks though is there? And just because behaviours were accepted 30 years ago doesn't mean anyone should accept them now.

Different families have different levels of normal when it comes to nakedness and kissing/cuddling so I wouldn't necessarily think there was anything wrong with a man seeing his grandchildren in the shower or trying to cuddle etc.. however it's important to teach children that they can refuse cuddles and ask for privacy.

The younger generation seems to understand this and older generation seems to dismiss it as a silly modern idea in my experience, asking children for permission for a hug instead of just grabbing them and squashing them while they're trying to get away. This is something I've had to explain within my own family.

The advice on how to wean a baby onto solid food has also massively changed since your fil had children. My mil was shocked I wasn't planning on giving solid food till mine was 6 months old as she fed hers rusks and porridge and things at 3 months. She also formula fed and made comments about me breastfeeding and wondered out loud if it was "enough"

My best advice is to absolutely not leave baby alone with him if you don't feel respected and really try to stress you are not making up the rules yourself but going along with how everyone feeds babies and parents these days. Let him know times have changed.

He's hiding in plain sight. The fact that he was in the bathroom alone with his naked 10 year old grandson for longer than necessary without being called out and reprimanded by the adults present shows two things:

1. Your husband's family will NOT do what is necessary to protect children in the family from grooming and predatory behaviour so it's not ok for your child to be left alone with your FIL even with other adults present because adults in the family (including your DH) are not willing to speak and even make excuses for his highly inappropriate conduct.

1. His grooming of his other grandchildren has worked and he has either "successfully" normalised his predatory behaviour to the 10 year old grandson and/ or created a family environment where his grandson feels too afraid to speak out knowing that none of the other adults will stand up to grandad.

On that basis not only should you never leave your child alone in your husband's family's care, you should also drastically reduce supervised contact with FIL to the minimum level possible (once or twice a year) so that his inappropriate behaviour does not become normalised to your child.

Absolutely 100% this and as others have said, NEVER leave him alone with your son.

Tell him to fuck off. Fucking weirdo

Neither my parents or my husband's parents have ever behaved like this and if they did I would be putting a stop to the visits immediately. Our job as parents is to protect our children - we are their guardians both legally and morally and any other adult who wishes to overstep this and undermine a parent's role to their child/ breakdown the boundaries created to protect the child is a massive walking red flag.

Have you asked your husband if he was inappropriate with him as a child? It does sound off.

When can you come home? When is the funeral?

When you get home, could you call the unrelated parent of the 10yo, and just talk it over - easier for them to look at this issue without the tie of "but it's my dad, of course he is harmless". They can then speak with the 10yo about it all.

I personally wouldn't want to be staying with your fil or having him stay where he could end up unsupervised with the kids at any point.

What does your dh say when you've expressed these concerns to him?

I think you are entirely reasonable and I would be stepping right back in terms of contact. Grandparents are very important but if they're going to be disrespectful and actively work against parents then they need to remember that they aren't entitled to access to the kids.

I'm a grandparent, that is not standard grandparent behaviour.

Since my dgs has been 6 I've asked if he needs help in the shower and after checking the water temperature have mostly left him to it.

I do not allow loads of snacks sugary or otherwise.

I only felt my dd's bump after being invited to.

I've never commented on feeding methods.
Dd ebf both dgc.

I only look after dgc if asked and dd knows she can ask.

If this was dd's fil I would be extremely concerned.

Utter rubbish

Absolutely this. I'm going to be a grandad myself shortly. it seems, and this guy is red flags left, right, and centre. Keep this man away from your baby. Speak to your DH.

How are the mums of the other kids reacting to him? Do they not object to his filling their kids full of junk?

Different families have different levels of normal when it comes to nakedness and kissing/cuddling so I wouldn't necessarily think there was anything wrong with a man seeing his grandchildren in the shower

You honestly think there is nothing wrong with a grandfather seeing his 10yo grandson naked in the shower on purpose?

What does your DH think?

Sorry, but your FIL sounds unbelievably creepy. These art YOUR DC: if you decide no screen time or sugar, then so be it, and if he chooses not to abide by that, don’t go and see him. I am speechless about the shower episode. I’d be going as low contact as I could reasonably manage, and telling your DH in no uncertain terms why. Don’t let him behave towards your children in a way you don’t like - they are too young to advocate for themselves, so you need to be firm on their behalf. Your FIL’s behaviour is not normal, and I would be v upset by it.

To be fair to your fil, most of your long list of grievances are really about an excited grandparent looking forward to being able to actively do things with their grandchild, others are more a case of things changing, giving rusks at 4 months was normal even 25 years ago. The shower thing is more concerning but context is everything, did the grandchild ask his grandfather to stay with him? At 10 not all dc are comfortable operating the shower (mine were fine at home as it was simple but they couldn't work my mums main bathroom one for years so had to use her en-suite one.). The foods situation will be family dependent, having been out yesterday at an event where there were lots of small children, the absolute crap very tiny kids were being fed would make this list seem mild, saw coke being put into a bottle even!!!

Monitor it but an enthusiastic grandparent explains most of this with changed times

Honestly I think you're being far, far too weak so far!

Why on earth aren't you saying 'Give the baby to me now - he's crying and I want him back'? Or 'No, he won't be having sugar or crisps next time - not till he's much older. That's our choice.' Or 'Don't put the ipdad in front of him - I don't want him on screens'. 'We don't use a dummy - stop that please'. YOU are your child's parent and their advocate. Get it together and stop allowing him to stamp all over your boundaries. That's what being a parent should look like.

Are your DH & his siblings/s afraid of their father?

Everything you've written suggests a family where FIL has always been overbearing, and intrusive.

Touching you, watching his grandson shower, putting things in your child's mouth, dictating what they eat.

Nobody seems allowed to have had any form of boundaries with this man.

Creepy as fuck. The point is, your instincts are shouting. You're uncomfortable, unhappy and worried.

So your husband should be standing between his father and his wife and child and saying NO.

But he hasn't clamped down on this behaviour or protected you from this man.

This isn't adult/adult behaviour, it's adult/child

This does suggest there's a lot going on here. I'd say end the visit as soon as possible, get yourselves away from him, then speak with your husband about his own childhood and just why you feel so uneasy about what's happening now. And limit future interactions.

Practice your own statements, get used to saying No, and do it.

I can't stand bullies.

Keep him away from your child.

The showering his 10 year old grandson is a big red flag. You are right to keep your Ds from being alone with him. Soon as you can talk to your Ds about saying no to things he doesn’t like and say you will ALWAYS back him up 100%. Just in case. It sounds worryingly like your FIL is grooming the kids to think he’s more their friend than their own parents. Hope I’m completely wrong.