To not want my baby left alone with FIL

[LottieB1994]

I’m at the end of my tether with my FIL and want to know AIBU. I have a 4 month old and the reasons I have are:

• He is extremely full on with all 3 of his grandchildren, wanting to constantly play, hold etc to a level that isn’t normal.
• He has never shown any interest in me as a person, never asks me any q’s about myself, knows hardly anything about me due to this. He only talks about himself in conversation with everyone.
• When I was pregnant he decided he was coming for a week when I gave birth, then another week 2 weeks later (this never happened as DH stepped in) without caring if I felt comfortable with this - he stated he was coming on my due date to stay nearby, which I was extremely uncomfortable with as I knew the baby was unlikely to even arrive then and he’d be there waiting for me to go into labour. When I saw him while pregnant he touched my belly in a way that also made me feel really uncomfortable like he wanted the baby out asap so he could have him.
• With the other grandchildren, he feeds them an absolutely WILD amount of sugar all day every day. The 2 year old GD he feeds literal crap, offering milky ways, bars of chocolate, cakes, eclairs, fizzy drinks te list goes on and on. This is fine, however, with our DS he is already saying he can’t wait to give him these same foods without even asking if this is ok.
• In same vein he is saying that 4 month old needs weaning now, he’s hungry, making “mummy isn’t feeding you enough” comments to him when we are at dinner table with him. I am BF and don’t feel he likes this. Keeps saying “next time you come you’ll be having farleys rusks/lollipops/chocolate/crisps” - this makes me feel extremely anxious as I want to wean him onto non sweet foods first and don’t want him having this type of food at just 9 months old which is when we will next be staying.
• He also has been sitting DS in front of the 2 year olds iPad which she is obsessed with - going “watch the pad! Do you want to watch some TV?” While DH and I don’t want him having screen time.
• while holding him he starts crying and he actively avoids giving him to me, I think it annoys him that he is crying and he tries to either walk off holding him or give him to SIL. This makes me angry - he is obsessed with trying to settle him himself
• He acts slightly annoyed when baby needs to nap during the day and I take him off to nap, saying eg “he had a 2 hour nap this morning isn’t he done for today?”
• He keeps undermining me, I keep saying baby is teething (as he is - HV told me) and he keeps saying “he’s chewing his fists he’s hungry” and “I don’t think hes teething at his age” to SIL in front of me, though I keep reiterating he is.
• He has been showering the other 10 year old grandson which I think is really weird and uncomfortable, a level of involvement that is far too intense and I don’t want my son being treated like this. With the 2 year old he is literally like a kid in a candy shop all day trying to be the centre of attention with her, shouting and constantly trying to clutch onto her.
• Hes been asking to look after my DS alone for upcoming weddings we have, and acted annoyed that I said I don’t want to leave him yet (I am actually leaving him with my mum as I do not trust him or want him alone with my son)
• He has also been ramming and holding dummy into my sons mouth when he cries, which makes me feel upset and I have now stopped him doing this by saying we’re only using dummy for nap time.

All of this honestly is making my skin crawl and I really don’t want my DS having much more to do with him as I feel like he is extremely strange and also has zero respect for me as his mother and us as parents, assuming he will be doing these unhealthy things with our son. I have said to DH I don’t want him looking after our baby alone until he is much older.

AIBU to feel like this?

This is so so creepy. YANBU to take a massive step back. Why the fuck is he allowed to shower the 10 year old? What does your DH say about that?
Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason - listen to them!

Nah. Mum always gets final say. And it is creepy behaviour.

Are you the grandad?

An enthusiastic gp doesn't explain this at all.

Enthusiastic gp's want to be part of dgc lives and they absolutely know that working with the parent rather than against them is the best way to remain in a dgc life.

The worrying thing about all of this is that so many are calling him a weirdo. The ones calling him a weirdo are looking through the lense of their own life experience and they have probably been abused by their parents or close family sadly.

From my end of the lense, having come from a loving, abuse free childhood, I tend to see him as a loving, involved grand dad.

But, from the comments on here and elsewhere on mumsnet I am constantly staggered by the level of abuse " mums seem to have suffered during their childhood. It is a national disgrace.

Omg please advocate for the 10 year old and stop him doing this!! Hugely inappropriate

Eh? No abuse at all in my childhood because my parents understood boundaries and anyone coming into the bathroom when I was showering would (1) be unheard of and (2) be seen as them clearly being a weirdo and never seeing us ever again.

Wtf? Anyone who thinks his behaviour is perfectly ok hasn’t had as good an upbringing as they think.

That’s not what op said

The showering thing is weird.

The rest sounds like he’s trying to be the fun, exciting, favourite grandparent who the kids will love. As a kid I’d have found all the fizzy, sweets and craziness very exciting and fun!

Sounds like too much though and he’s not respecting parents boundaries.

He's making my skin crawl too. He is massively over-stepping in a really unhealthy way. All his decisions relating to his grandchildren's diet are unhealthy and wrong and he should certainly not be voicing any negative views on your breast feeding. He sounds creepy and narcissistic and is going to extreme lengths to try and make himself 'number one' in the lives of all his grandchildren.

Step back completely and never leave your child on their own with him.

If the 10yo goes into school and says that grandpa was in the bathroom with them while they showered, school would be duty bound to make a safeguarding referral for it.

There's a current thread on sexual abuse.Mainly in the family.
I think your FIL is dangerous.
Boundaries have been crossed.
I would never leave my DC alone with anyone displaying this behaviour.
No one ever gets over CSA. Don't risk it.

No that's weird as hell. I have a 10 year old and he would be affronted if I said I was going to shower him. He's showered himself for quite a while and at that age they deserve privacy and should be encouraged. I'd feel the same even if this was grandma

All bloody annoying but the showering things is creepy. I can't understand why any parent would be ok with this!

Occasional sweet treats are one of the joys of being a grandparent, feeding them crap at every opportunity isn't. Your husband needs to nip this in the bud now even of it's difficult.

I haven't been abused, had a fantastic childhood and great involved grandparents but I find his behaviour weird and ott. He has no boundaries and that's due to no-one setting them. Op needs to be vocal about what she's opposed to e.g when he talks about feeding him all that crap, say no you won't and repeat. The red flag for me is showering the 10 year old, that child is old enough to do that himself unless he has other issues

Just stop.

i had this feeling about my mil and ignored it “for the sake of the family” and only for the support I received on here questioned myself when things got really dark and (on the advice of mn) called social services on inlaws about something that happened to my children when in their care.

trust your gut. Keep your child safe above all else.

Showering with a 10 year old? Absolutely no unsupervised visits.

Don't leave your child alone with this man - ever. Not even to step out of the room for a minute.
There are some very disturbing behaviours from him and I personally don't trust him at all.

Sorry you have to deal with all this. No wonder its making your skin crawl.

He sounds he must have had a hard life if he is drawing attention to himself this much and in such a stupid way, not understanding babies' and toddlers' needs at all.

Yes, I completely agree

Is the 10 year old your child ??? I would report and avoid this man at all costs .
All my kids showered alone way before 10.
That's not good on any level.
Stand your ground and put boundaries in place.
The majority of sa is done by a family member or friend of the family.

He gives his grandchildren ridiculous and unhealthy amounts of sugary snacks every time he sees them. I'm a grandparent and I certainly didn't give my children unlimited amounts of sugar when they were young and I follow my adult children's instructions about what my grandchildren can and cannot eat.

Older people are capable of learning how to care for grandchildren in accordance with today's health/safety/dietary advice. OP's Fil sounds like a narcissistic nightmare.

"The younger generation seems to understand this and older generation seems to dismiss it as a silly modern idea in my experience, asking children for permission for a hug instead of just grabbing them and squashing them while they're trying to get away. This is something I've had to explain within my own family."

Please don't do the "younger/older generation" thing I am 70 and i don't touch any human (or pet come to that) without their permission. I was taught this by my parents who didn't allow me or my siblings to be pawed or man handled.

Yanbu, I definitely wouldn’t leave my child alone with him.
When he tries to interfere in future, you need to be much more firm “I know you mean well but I know my baby best and he is teething/is not hungry/does need a nap” etc as well as “we’ve decided based on the advice we’ve read that he won’t be having sweet things for a long time but you’ll be able to give him an occasional treat when he’s much older”. “Appreciate the offer to look after him but we’re not ready for that yet [no need to add that you never will be where he’s concerned]” Let him know you’re not going to let him get away with any nonsense or try to control the narrative where your baby is concerned.

my childhood and adult life was safe and happy and I think this sounds weird and dangerous. I think you sound naive.