To not want my baby left alone with FIL

[LottieB1994]

I’m at the end of my tether with my FIL and want to know AIBU. I have a 4 month old and the reasons I have are:

• He is extremely full on with all 3 of his grandchildren, wanting to constantly play, hold etc to a level that isn’t normal.
• He has never shown any interest in me as a person, never asks me any q’s about myself, knows hardly anything about me due to this. He only talks about himself in conversation with everyone.
• When I was pregnant he decided he was coming for a week when I gave birth, then another week 2 weeks later (this never happened as DH stepped in) without caring if I felt comfortable with this - he stated he was coming on my due date to stay nearby, which I was extremely uncomfortable with as I knew the baby was unlikely to even arrive then and he’d be there waiting for me to go into labour. When I saw him while pregnant he touched my belly in a way that also made me feel really uncomfortable like he wanted the baby out asap so he could have him.
• With the other grandchildren, he feeds them an absolutely WILD amount of sugar all day every day. The 2 year old GD he feeds literal crap, offering milky ways, bars of chocolate, cakes, eclairs, fizzy drinks te list goes on and on. This is fine, however, with our DS he is already saying he can’t wait to give him these same foods without even asking if this is ok.
• In same vein he is saying that 4 month old needs weaning now, he’s hungry, making “mummy isn’t feeding you enough” comments to him when we are at dinner table with him. I am BF and don’t feel he likes this. Keeps saying “next time you come you’ll be having farleys rusks/lollipops/chocolate/crisps” - this makes me feel extremely anxious as I want to wean him onto non sweet foods first and don’t want him having this type of food at just 9 months old which is when we will next be staying.
• He also has been sitting DS in front of the 2 year olds iPad which she is obsessed with - going “watch the pad! Do you want to watch some TV?” While DH and I don’t want him having screen time.
• while holding him he starts crying and he actively avoids giving him to me, I think it annoys him that he is crying and he tries to either walk off holding him or give him to SIL. This makes me angry - he is obsessed with trying to settle him himself
• He acts slightly annoyed when baby needs to nap during the day and I take him off to nap, saying eg “he had a 2 hour nap this morning isn’t he done for today?”
• He keeps undermining me, I keep saying baby is teething (as he is - HV told me) and he keeps saying “he’s chewing his fists he’s hungry” and “I don’t think hes teething at his age” to SIL in front of me, though I keep reiterating he is.
• He has been showering the other 10 year old grandson which I think is really weird and uncomfortable, a level of involvement that is far too intense and I don’t want my son being treated like this. With the 2 year old he is literally like a kid in a candy shop all day trying to be the centre of attention with her, shouting and constantly trying to clutch onto her.
• Hes been asking to look after my DS alone for upcoming weddings we have, and acted annoyed that I said I don’t want to leave him yet (I am actually leaving him with my mum as I do not trust him or want him alone with my son)
• He has also been ramming and holding dummy into my sons mouth when he cries, which makes me feel upset and I have now stopped him doing this by saying we’re only using dummy for nap time.

All of this honestly is making my skin crawl and I really don’t want my DS having much more to do with him as I feel like he is extremely strange and also has zero respect for me as his mother and us as parents, assuming he will be doing these unhealthy things with our son. I have said to DH I don’t want him looking after our baby alone until he is much older.

AIBU to feel like this?

Bit late to this but YANBU, I wouldn’t leave my child with him at any age to be honest. All of the reasons you have stated and the sheer volume of them ring alarm bells, but for me (especially when they are that young) even one of those things would be enough for me to want to leave my baby with him. Everyone parents differently, you don’t have to agree with the way they do it, but it should be respected (unless it’s abusive obviously). If you don’t want your son watching a iPad or eating solids yet, then he doesn’t watch a iPad or eat solids. If people can’t respect it, they don’t have a right to be left unsupervised.

Before I had my son my husband and I went round my parents one day every week for dinner, we carried on the tradition when my son was born and it was fine for several months. But as my son started to interact with my family more, they constantly overstimulated him. I told them to leave him alone, they wouldn’t. I would tell them he needed to nap, they did everything they could to keep him awake. In the end it became too stressful for both my husband and I and my son as we then had a huge battle getting him to sleep, to feed etc, so we stopped going round for dinner and would go during the day instead. Once he got a bit older and dropped naps, we started going again.

I was sexually abused by my uncle between the ages of around 8 >14.

This type of 'I'll just talk to her her whilst she's in the shower' behaviour was his way of operating, and the privacy opened the door, and pulled the wool over my parents' eyes for a variety of other deeply inappropriate and traumatising behaviours.

Even before the abuse started I felt really uncomfortable with him in there 'talking to' me.

I'm not saying that's what's definitely going on here, however it absolutely leaves the opportunity for it to happen. He's already transgressing boundaries behind closed doors.

This fil sounds ott. I'd be cutting back on visits or suggesting DH went alone tbh. Yanbu to refuse to leave your baby with this man.

Our instincts are our internal compass. If something feels wrong, listen.
as Mothers we are made into lionesses to protect our children at all costs.
your FIL behaviour sounds a bit like grooming to me……
….showering with a 10year old is not appropriate.

At best, Perhaps he didn’t have appropriate boundaries set for him but then he needs to be taught that you make the rules. At worst it sounds like it’s verging on grooming behaviour.

Trust yourself. You know what’s best. If it feels wrong, it’s wrong.

Don’t worry about upsetting people-child safety comes first.

i wouldn’t go near him with a barge pole and I would consider getting advice from your health visitor on how to handle it.

You sound like a great Mum to be noticing these things and for alarm bells to be ringing. Trust yourself.

If someone’s behaviour is telling you who they are, believe them. Sometimes giving the benefit of the doubt is dangerous.

Really feel for you. Good luck. X

Don't bring your own personal grievances onto a thread and smear the OP with your made up scenarios and accusations of lying. If you don't think she is being truthful, report her post, don't derail the thread with your accusations.

Her FIL is obviously a massive boundary pusher who feels he has more rights to his grandchildren than their own parents. The other parents are happy to go along with this but OP isn't and that is her right.

Some of his behaviour is creepy (touching her pregnant belly, commenting on OP's breastfeeding, involving himself in his grandson's shower), while some of his behaviour is just massively entitled and overbearing.

OP has the right to set boundaries. You seem to be taking this all very personally for some reason and you are being very weird and insulting to OP with your accusations.

Do you have to stay in their house? Could you do day trips or stay in hotel/Airbnb? Always trust your instincts, we have them for a reason.

@thepariscrimefiles Well said 👏🏻

Op you don't HAVE to stay another 2 days you aren't being held hostage. I would honestly just leave now.

I don’t know if his behaviour is malicious or not (could be autism or lack of social skills for example, and I’m autistic myself before anyone loses their shit), but I don’t blame you for not wanting to leave your son alone with him. Is there any way you can talk to him about it or ask your partner to?

If there’s a chance it’s not malicious or unfixable he might just not be aware of how he’s coming across or that he’s crossing boundaries. That being said it doesn’t mean you have to leave your baby with him even if he changes his behaviour. Four months is very young still.

I’m so sorry that happened to you, thank you for sharing your experience. It might not be what’s happening here, but it also could be, and that’s the issue.

How on earth would you know if he's a predator? OP trust your instincts, they're all that we have because you can never really know anyone 100 percent.
Shower with 10 year old sounds wrong and abusers also groom the adults around them, so even more worrying if people don't feel they can comment. As I would like to think I would if I witnessed that. Someone needs to stick up for that child

*in the room while ten year old showering, I meant.

No I 100% agree on that point, I think that's over the line and I said that in my earlier post. Op needs to set boundaries and stand up firm on what she thinks is acceptable. I think I was meaning more like what you said, we don't know if he's a predator, he might not be but we are basing it off ops responses where she's not challenged any behaviour she's not happy with. If she is going to engage with her in laws going forward then she needs a backbone. For one, say out loud her nephew should be afforded privacy in the bathroom

OP herself has said she doesn't think he's a predator. She just made it sound that way in her OP to make him sound as awful as possible.

How can you possible state that with such authority?!