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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has me in tears

166 replies

zebraprintxmasdinner · 09/02/2025 02:20

Posted before about partner and his temper
Saving up for a car makes him in a bad mood which in turn he has been taking out on me

Lasy weekend he went pub Friday night. Started on me Saturday for no reason, spat at me told me I make him depressed etc etc. I tried diffuse situation but doesn’t get me anywhere

Yesterday drank 4 cans of Stella then started on me. Calling me useless, controlling, I moan about everything. I don’t.
Today has drank 1l of Baileys, verbally abused me, every time I speak told me shut the fuck up. Called me a rat, a cunt, a thick fuck

Hes got history of doing this. I have stupidly sent him my rainy day fund in a hope of some peace. I’ve had this for years. Bailing him out whilst I sit at bottom of his priorities. I don’t know why I’ve done it. What’s wrong with me

My miserable life, no friends, don’t socialise, no date nights no little prezzies not even a nice text msg of a morning

I don’t know why I even post this but haven’t got irl friends talk to. Don’t have any friends full stop anymore.

OP posts:
HereNext · 09/02/2025 02:23

That sounds a miserable way to live, OP.

I wouldn't spend a second longer with him. You'll be much happier once you're free of him.

What's your set-up, do you have kids with him, live together?

Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 09/02/2025 02:24

Live together just one kid

My house but he constantly threatens to move out cos he knows he gets his own way. I’m a gullible mess.

OP posts:
Bigbus · 09/02/2025 02:26

I can’t think why you are still with him? Even one of the things you described would be enough to end it. You are worth so much more than this. Call woman’s aid and get out now

Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 09/02/2025 02:28

Think I’ve just been ground down over years
I just accept everything he does and doesnt do
Dont know myself but I get quite bad for nostalgia and I obsess over it. Never had history of it

OP posts:
Lovemybunnies · 09/02/2025 02:31

Hi OP this is an awful way to live. You and your child need to be free of him and live in peace. He sounds vile. Do you have family who can help?

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 09/02/2025 02:33

Oh no op sending him your rainy day fund won't appease him nothing you do will ever be good enough.
It's not you that's the rat, useless cunt..he is though.
Get him out of your house so you and your child can have a happy existence without this abusive prick.

Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 09/02/2025 02:35

your right nothing I have ever done is good enough I’ve had 2 weekends off since Xmas he’s spoiled both of them

OP posts:
HereNext · 09/02/2025 02:41

zebraprintxmasdinner · 09/02/2025 02:24

Live together just one kid

My house but he constantly threatens to move out cos he knows he gets his own way. I’m a gullible mess.

Please throw him out.

You'll be so much happier.

I know it's not as easy as that when your self esteem and self worth has been eroded away, but you deserve better than this.

DaphneduM · 09/02/2025 02:47

So sorry to read your thread. He sounds awful and you absolutely don't deserve to be treated in such a horrible, disrespectful way. But, gently, OP - he's ground you down to such an extent that you've accepted that it's all your worth. Think about it - it's your house - so actually you have the power to change your life for the better. Also think about the effect on your child - terrible for them to witness their mum being verbally abused. I would ask him to leave - you're worth so much more than this - and deserve to have peace of mind, which you absolutely don't have with him draining the life out of you.

Meadowfinch · 09/02/2025 02:49

Oh OP, throw him out. It's your home, he's making you miserable, your poor child is learning from his behaviour. He's a freeloading abusive creep.

Tell him to leave, take his key while he's not looking and give yourself back your life. Good luck.

WearyAuldWumman · 09/02/2025 02:51

zebraprintxmasdinner · 09/02/2025 02:24

Live together just one kid

My house but he constantly threatens to move out cos he knows he gets his own way. I’m a gullible mess.

Let him move out. You have no quality of life with this abusive leech.

PinkoPonko · 09/02/2025 02:52

He’s abusive. Please throw him out for your sake and your child’s sake.

WearyAuldWumman · 09/02/2025 02:53

I'm begging you to dump him. He spat at you? Surely that's assault? I'm thinking that you could ask the police to intervene?

UtopiaPlanitia · 09/02/2025 03:17

I'm so sorry this man has ground you down to the point that you feel so unhappy. I think you have to realise that this man is never going to be happy and nothing you can do will make him happy, he prefers to be miserable and he's taking his bad temper and unhappiness out on you (and potentially your child).

You will never have to feel as bad as you do now if you get away from him - you'll become your own person again and you will have the chance at happiness and fulfilment that he is currently stopping you from having.

More importantly, don't let him ruin your child's life - you wouldn't let your child be treated like this by a partner, you have the chance to show your child what it's like to value yourself and to stand up for yourself.

There are women here who can give you practical advice and support, please see yourself as worth saving from this torture.

Delphiniumandlupins · 09/02/2025 03:18

You don't deserve this treatment. You know you don't. Let him go if he wants to leave, tell him to go otherwise. Contact Women's Aid and get some advice. You are miserable because of him, life can only improve. Do this for yourself and your DC.

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 03:22

Wtaf?

Why would you send him your rainy day fund?

AsLivingArrows · 09/02/2025 03:29

Oh sweetheart. You don't deserve this.

Please at least think about leaving. You might find it helpful to speak to Women's Aid about that. They're really good - they know all the options.

It has to be your decision to leave, not anyone here. But I promise you life is so much better without someone getting at you all the time.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/02/2025 03:35

Consider your rainy day fund a price worth paying to get rid of this piece of shit.

Get him the fuck out.

Then think. Think about cause and effect. He knows that if he kicks off enough you will eventually bail him out, thats why he does it. You try to hold out, but he keeps going as he knows that eventually you will give in.

You know the knackered mum in Tesco who's kid wants the toy and she says no? So he keeps kicking off, she keeps saying no. Then finally, after aisles of it, they are in the queue and he knows that this his last chance so he ramps it up to the point where she will do literally anything to shut him up. So she gives him the toy. He knows that all he needs to do is keep going long enough as she will give in. That is your "D" (not) P. You have taught him that his appalling treatment of you will be rewarded.

Thats why you need him out of your home. If you try to cut off his supply whilst he is in your house, he will keep going (google extinction burst) and will almost certainly physcially abuse you and possibly your child.

Ger1atricMillennial · 09/02/2025 03:38

OP there is a diagram call the power and control wheel that is a useful tool for seeing behaviour for what it is rather as a result of anything you are doing. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/

There is also a wheel call Trust and Respect Wheel that shows you how a healthy releationship should look https://saferfutures.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/Equality-Wheel.pdf

If you decide to leave, please understand that it can taken on average 7 attempts to do so successfully. As you have a child, I would advise that you seek help from a professional organisation.

Power and Control

Power and Control Wheel: A useful lens for examining domestic violence, these are tactics an abusive partner may use in a relationship.

https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 09/02/2025 03:42

zebraprintxmasdinner · 09/02/2025 02:24

Live together just one kid

My house but he constantly threatens to move out cos he knows he gets his own way. I’m a gullible mess.

Why on earth do you want him to stay?

no date nights no little prezzies not even a nice text msg of a morning

You live with a violent, abusive alcoholic - these are the least of your concerns.

oakleaffy · 09/02/2025 03:58

zebraprintxmasdinner · 09/02/2025 02:24

Live together just one kid

My house but he constantly threatens to move out cos he knows he gets his own way. I’m a gullible mess.

YOUR house...Hopefully you aren't married so he has no claim on it?

A litre of Baileys - the man's an alcoholic, get this awful parasite out of your life NOW.

Why are you tolerating this?

You are very lucky that the house is yours- get him out.

mjf981 · 09/02/2025 03:59

Wait until he is at work. Then dump his stuff on the street and have all the locks changed. Send him a text clearly explaining that it is over and he needs to find somewhere else to live with immediate effect. Get a male friend or relative to stay for a week or 2 if you think he may kick off.

Yalta · 09/02/2025 04:01

Everyone will tell you to throw him out

I am asking the question why are you putting a child through this.
What will it take for you to have had enough of living like this.

oakleaffy · 09/02/2025 04:03

WearyAuldWumman · 09/02/2025 02:51

Let him move out. You have no quality of life with this abusive leech.

Show quote history

Exactly, Weary.

He's a tapeworm, a parasite. Poor quality men like this are two a penny - and yet women tolerate their shite.

Wake up and smell the coffee, @zebraprintxmasdinner , you definitely need to be rid of this abuser for your child's sake if not yours.

A life ''Alone'' is a sea of tranquillity compared to living like this.

oakleaffy · 09/02/2025 04:08

zebraprintxmasdinner · 09/02/2025 02:28

Think I’ve just been ground down over years
I just accept everything he does and doesnt do
Dont know myself but I get quite bad for nostalgia and I obsess over it. Never had history of it

The ''nostalgia'' is meaningless.

If he was once ''nice'' to you, it was probably to try to reel you in.

Now he has you reeled in, he can start devaluing you.

Your child deserves far, far better.

{As do you!}