To think this reaction is self absorbed.

[Mrsmozza123]

So. Everyone is fine but.
I went to check on my 4 year DS while he was sleeping. He'd taken his duvet out of the cover got inside the duvet cover and wrapped himself in it. I found him tangled and for a terrible split second I thought he could have strangled or suffocated. He was fine, a bit hot but definitely breathing and moving. Thank goodness.
I called my DH for help a few times and he shouted back "Yes?".
Eventually once I knew DS was safe I went downstairs to tell DH what had happened. I was really shaken.
DH seemed more concerned that i was having a go at him for not coming upstairs. I really wasn't.
I was expecting him to hug me or say thank goodness he's OK, to share my concern.

Instead he was saying "well you didn't sound very panicked, how was it supposed to know you needed me?"
And
"Sounds like you've just come downstairs to have a go at me"
I just walked off, I've had a little cup of tea and a cry on my own because I can't sleep.

That’s quite ignorant. People react in all different ways when stressful situations present themselves.

I was actually swinging to your side but it now just seems like you’re out for a fight with anyone.

Stop defending yourself OP. Nothing can be gained from it. You know what happened. You know your husband and what he’s like. You know your reaction was a normal human response. With kindness, leave the thread now and go do something to look after yourself. You have had a nasty shock which you wouldn’t be thinking twice about now had your DH responded empathically. Reading the posts that are minimising and blaming are distracting you.

Please start listening to Dr Ramani on you tube to see if your DH fits the bill. If he does it will help to give you clarity. But for today, let the thread go and do some things that nourish you.

Sorry,
I just didn't appreciate being told I should laugh.

I appreciate all well now but it will never make me laugh.

She wasn’t asking if she was unreasonable but if her husband was. And IMO he was.

Laughing after a mild shock is a very normal and healthy response. It's called nervous laughter and it alleviates physical stress symptoms and reassures yourself everything is OK. It's normal and common.

From Google:

"Laughing after a shock, sometimes called a "nervous laugh" or "shock laugh," is a common human response that can be triggered by a sudden, intense surprise or scare, often acting as a coping mechanism to release tension and alleviate the stress of the shock."

It is a healthy, instinctive way of calming down and it's something several of us have independently suggested on this thread.

I just don't understand why several commenters are suggested you should feel traumatised, or are doubling down that your dc could have died. It is vanishingly unlikely (ok, I suppose nothing is technically impossible but it's almost impossible) so "minimising" this fear is good for you.

This is not me being cruel or a troll or whatever. This is me trying to be the opposite. Getting unnecessarily worked up over situations like this is no way to live: it's not good for your well being, your marriage, or even (indirectly) your child.

Of course it's normal to be briefly shocked but doubling down over it for hours afterwards is not good. You asked if your dh is self absorbed but I think that is projection, honestly I do.

You never replied what you actually called out to your husband:

did you shout ' help help help david / john / jack ' whatever your husband's name is

did you even actually use your voice and shout

or did you just call out ' david / john / jack ' whatever your husbands name is

I would have thought using the correct words and volume of voice would have had your husband running up the stairs to the bedroom

Exactly. People who are unloving or emotionally abusive, tend to minimise another’s feelings and needs or get defensive: DARVO. It messes with your head. It sounds like OP’s generally feeling a shift in her DH’s behaviour and this is only one example.

OP was looking for views on whether it was reasonable to expect more empathy, support and responsibility. IMHO a kind and reasonable person would say, YANBU to expect a different reaction from a loving partner and co-parent.

When our lower brain is engaged we tend not to process as we might normally so this is a moot point. The question also is whether or not his anger and lack of empathy was unreasonable not whether or not he was unreadable to not come upstairs. So another reason why exactly what the OP said and how is a moot point.

Exactly. I think this was classic DARVO but hard to know for sure but I’d probably put good money on him having some narcissistic patterns at least.

Get some coverless duvets - I would be concerned about this and I can see why you panicked. If I called my husband upstairs late at night he'd come straight up and assume there was something going on with one of the kids. You do sound a touch drama llama but he also sounds like a dick.

IMHO, it’s a good sign OP has calmly and politely challenged some of the unempathetic or minimising responses she’s received on here. It shows she won’t be browbeaten into thinking she’s unreasonable. By her DH or anyone else.

Her responses show she’s assertive, reasoned, calm and responsible. She dealt with the situation sensibly and calmly. Far from a bundle of anxiety. She clearly parents very well alone a lot of the time and can cope well on her own.

The issue is her DH.

Yes, but OP is trying to explain that in the moment she had a fright. Although she soon discovered he was ok that initial fright would probably have lingered a bit. Sounds all she wanted was a cuddle or kiss on the head rather than criticism from her DH.

Agree.

I come to mumsnet for some compassion.
Find myself in a vipers nest.

Oh come on OP.

You were posting in the 'vipers nest' until twenty five to three in the morning and then again, first thing!

Bit strange to garner so much attention for yourself and then slag off the source of it 😬

Yes OK but you were saying that I shouldnt be shocked and should laugh instead. You said in similar situations you just laughed. I don't think your situation is similar. My DS has got into lots of sleep positions that have been funny.
This one was terrifying.

I had a shock and I feel reasonable.

Just to be absolutely clear because there seems to ne some confusion.
I'm not looking for permission to be shocked in the moment at finding DS in potential danger.

This is helpful, thank you.

He might have thought it was a spider or whatever.

How could you see red marks on his neck if his head was covered in fabric?

Clearly after she’d unwrapped the sheets.

I can understand your moment of panic, but it was just a moment and you quickly realised there was nothing wrong.

Nevertheless, you still wanted to turn it into a drama, unnecessarily involving your husband. I am not surprised he was unsympathetic.

Your reaction was self-absorbed.

Jesus Christ. She will have seen them when she removed the sheet. Just stop with interrogation. People in this thread have been utterly vile. This is a mum who in a brief moment thought her child had died. Have some empathy.

Because i took it off.
Obs didn't leave it there. 🤔

SHE didn’t turn it into a drama. HE was the one who got angry. She had a very NORMAL response to something pretty shocking. Whether or not you agree it should be shocking or not is moot. SHE found it shocking. Have some empathy.

Unnecessarily involving my husband?

My husband is DS dad. Should I have hidden this information from him?

Also natural adrenaline response doesn't turn off immediately when the danger is gone.

I'm baffled by this.

Just...stop.

Honestly. You are on a hiding to nothing. I’m glad you know your own mind and you are sticking up for yourself against all this minimising, blaming and gaslighting but honestly, just leave the thread, start one in relationships later on as you try and figure out what to do about your twat of a DH - but for now do something that will nurture you and leave the vipers to their own devices.