To think this reaction is self absorbed.

[Mrsmozza123]

So. Everyone is fine but.
I went to check on my 4 year DS while he was sleeping. He'd taken his duvet out of the cover got inside the duvet cover and wrapped himself in it. I found him tangled and for a terrible split second I thought he could have strangled or suffocated. He was fine, a bit hot but definitely breathing and moving. Thank goodness.
I called my DH for help a few times and he shouted back "Yes?".
Eventually once I knew DS was safe I went downstairs to tell DH what had happened. I was really shaken.
DH seemed more concerned that i was having a go at him for not coming upstairs. I really wasn't.
I was expecting him to hug me or say thank goodness he's OK, to share my concern.

Instead he was saying "well you didn't sound very panicked, how was it supposed to know you needed me?"
And
"Sounds like you've just come downstairs to have a go at me"
I just walked off, I've had a little cup of tea and a cry on my own because I can't sleep.

The attention she wants?….think all need attention, you’re on here too you know. It’s the whiff of judgement that’s not required.

I can understand both sides. As dc mummy you understandably panicked and called your hubby who is obviously not in the same room so not having a clue what's going on. You realise dc is fine , thank goodness and all is ok. If you got a bit snappy with dh , it's understandable he probably thought ffs , who wants people having a go at them especially when they had no idea what was going on and everything is actually OK. You were left a bit shaken and needed some comfort in that moment. I'd say it was just some miscommunication and thankfully your child wasn't tangled, that is the most important thing here surely?

Nowhere in the initial post does the Op say her husband was yelling at her, this has been drip fed much later.

I am well aware that OP was referring to her husband as being "self-absorbed", but I think it's a classic case of projection. By her own account, she appears to be pretty "self-absorbed" herself.

Nah!

Have three children, two of whom were forever giving me a start by crazy things they did to try and kill themselves have fun. The joys of neurodiversity.
All have been safely raised to adulthood.

So yes, I am very familiar with the “Jesus Christ! Oh, phew!” aspect of parenting. Then you realise they are absolutely fine, the adrenaline fades and you get on with your evening.

Yelling repeatedly for your husband and then bursting into tears and telling Mumsnet how self-involved your husband is for not responding to your paranoia - all because your 4 year old wrapped himself in a cotton duvet cover - IS catastrophising.

He was breathing, he wasn’t blue, he wasn’t in distress, he just looked in an alarming situation for a heartbeat. If that leads to the OP in tears and distressed all evening, she needs to self regulate. Otherwise all the solo parenting while her DH is posted elsewhere is going to be untenable.

Meeow…oh flip…

Perhaps you have lower expectations of a partner and co-parent. Or don’t have one.

OP did self-regulate. She took parental responsibility for checking on, and sorting out, her DS, walked away from her DH’s defensiveness and yelling, made herself a cup of tea and sat alone until she got over the shock. Then asked people on MN if she was unreasonable to see her DH as self-absorbed for his lack of empathy.

She never asked for advice on whether she was unreasonable to be shocked to find her son. Any advice on that, like yours, has been unsolicited.

There’s nothing to suggest she was distressed all evening. She was merely being assertive in challenging minimising, unempathetic and patronising posts.

Her DH appears to have done fuck all other than yelling at her. And (more importantly) he’s now been mature enough to finally show some empathy. More than many on this thread have done.

I think you should try therapy @Mrsmozza123 because it's one thing to overreact but another to not admit it and being touchy and lashing out when pp are trying to talk you down so as not letting your anxiety win. But you have decided that your DC was in danger even when your rational side ought to have convinced you otherwise. Going on like this you will have selfinflicted ptsd so please seek help.

Quite. I wouldn't have an "adrenaline response for hours" after a scary event with my kids. Including a&e visits, heavy falls, and lost toddlers. Relief and gratitude, then move on. Too busy and tired for ruminating on what could have been. I was alot more anxious with my first but even then I would have calmed down quickly.

I can’t see whether the OP has addressed this anywhere, but if she’s an easily alarmed person, who is liable to cry out in alarm a lot, typically over very minor things, there may be an element of ‘crying wolf’ or being used to false alarms in her DH’s apparently callous lack of response to her calling him.

Correcting people who have imagined things and posted as though it were true = 'lashing out'
Getting a fright = self-inflicted PTSD

Hyperbole. Mumsnet loves it.

Your account doesn't match mine at all here.

Good for you. Well done.

I've tried to demonstrate the opposite. DS often gets into a pickle and I laugh it off most of the time. We are constantly getting accident forms from preschool and usually a funny story.

This was different. Very different.

Therapy for being scared in a millisecond before knowing my child was safe?

Or therapy for expecting my DH to show a little concern and compassion rather than lashing out at me?

Honestly, it's not good for your child to witness dramatics as they grow up. I appreciate you said you took yourself off to have a quiet cup of tea.
I've had to have a stern word with dp about not freaking out in these situations - children need calmness and reassurance even if inside you're worried and upset. One of ours split their head open on a table and obviously was hysterical blood everywhere and it wouldn't have done me any good to be dramatic- just get down to their level and be saying it's OK it'll stop bleeding in a minute. So that when they're calm can assess whether a&e or not. Just an example.
I've had paramedics out after I rang 999 in hysterics when my child had croup- if you've never experienced it's horrific your child can't breathe and the noise is terrifying. Once he got the medicine and recovered again wouldn't have done good for me to carry on that adrenaline any further.
It's not good for your own stress levels and mental health.

Therapy for being scared in a millisecond before knowing my child was safe?

Therapy for responding to 'a millisecond of being scared' with needing to have a cry, and still going on about it hours later, I suspect.

OP had a momentary scare, quickly discovered her son was not in fact suffocating or strangled, but thinks her husband is self-involved for not taking her overreaction seriously.

That's why she's judged unreasonable on this AIBU thread. If her reaction were more proportionate I'm sure she'd have different responses.

So this whole drama, the panic, the shouting, the tears, the MN post, was for something that lasted for a millisecond?

Yes, your reaction was dramatic and self absorbed.

Proportional is entirely subjective.

"Therapy for responding to 'a millisecond of being scared' with needing to have a cry, and still going on about it hours later, I suspect."

Yes, you suspect.

You imagined it in other words. It fitted your narrative so it became true.
Don't post as though you know better. You don't.

Quite. And in my subjective opinion on this AIBU thread that you posted to seek replies, your reaction was over the top so your husband was reasonable to pretty much ignore it.

As @Wavescrashingonthebeach says, it's actively unhelpful and damaging to not keep your responses in check when you have a child. One child with a gushing head wound, the other two freaking out about it, DH working 250 miles away - and believe me, my remaining calm and measured helped them cope with the situation far more than if I'd let the adrenaline rush and subsequent crash overwhelm me.

It's a tough old gig, this parenting business. Getting yourself in a tizz over "a millisecond" of concern is setting yourself up for trouble.

No, "I suspect" that was what the other poster meant when she suggested the OP seek therapy.

I don't have a narrative, I read the OP's posts.

I do hear how terrifying it was OP and hope you are feeling steadier now.
for future reassurance, fabric is breathable and could not cause suffocation.
About your DP’s reaction, is he perhaps annoyed with you about something else? I’d ask him.

Well which was it OP? The above or the below?

After which, you say you walked off as you didn't want it escalating, took 2 hours to cool down, cried and had a cup of tea.....

In my OP I said, I went downstairs and told him what had happened.
Like "fck, that was horrible I just found our DS tangled in his sheet...he'd done x,y,z and j really panicked for a minute"
DH "why didn't you shout louder"
Me "He's fine now but I was shouting for you to help. I'm just a bit shaken now but hes OK"
DH "why are you just coming downstairs to have a go at me"
Me "I'm not, I'm just a bit upset I thought for a moment something awful had happened"
DH [Raises voice] "Well it just sounds like you came down to have a go at me"*