DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

Imagine being made to feel guilty that you nearly died and have messed with your parents/ in laws new baby reverie.....

One of the most shocking things I havd read on here for a while.

I don't doubt the veracity of what you have been made to feel.

Shame on them.

It's not about her painting a room.

It's about her subconsciously asserting her authority. She's showing you that she's the boss and that she can and will treat you how she likes.

A bit like a cat marking out it's territory. Even though you are a mother yourself, she's showing you that she's the matriarch.

Hopefully she will reflect on your reaction and realise that she has overstepped the mark. Moving forwards, be very careful to establish and maintain boundaries with her.

Yes I read that!! Thankyou

I have asked a genuine question to OP

Your mum is a dangerous prat; filling your home with toxic chemicals when a new born and a dangerously ill woman are due back is irresponsible.

Please OP, don't for one second feel guilt about anything!
Sod the fluffy cuddles, I was a wreck after my 1st.
I felt numb mentally, emotionally drained and physically wrecked.
Jesus, you nearly died bringing a new life into the world, and whilst that was rather important life event was happening all the grandparents are trying to out-batshit-crazy each other!
No, no, no. You've been bloody saintly in your tolerance of them all! xx

The fact that you are blaming yourself for getting so ill and ruining your mum's and your MIL's experiences with their newborn grandchild shows that you have been trained to consider their feelings before your own, particularly in your mum's case.

Your mum's response is not normal. If my daughter nearly died, the last thing I would do is fall out with her and stop speaking to her. The fact that it is over something that she absolutely should not have done, that no normal parent would ever have done, makes it even worse.

You had the most awful time in hospital and she is now ruining your time at home with your brand new baby. She should be ashamed of herself.

Honestly, MY first thought was “all these grandparents have ruined this lady’s experience of having her first baby”, definitely not the other way around. Instead of being able to rest, soak up the new baby and recover from what was obviously a very traumatic birth experience, you’re having to deal with a load of narcissistic bullshit. In case it needs to be said, you’ve done NOTHING wrong. If you can, enjoy this quiet time with your DH and new baby.

Again, I really think you would benefit from some therapy @Blubstering

For you feeling guilty to have been on the brink of death shows that you’re in a very vulnerable state, that you experiencing absolutely misplaced guilt and this might be not only due to hormones but also because of your family dynamics and/or your upbringing.

I‘m wondering whether you have felt or were made responsible for your parents feelings in the past before? Have you felt guilt for „causing“ them emotions or been accused of making them feel a certain way before? If so - you can look into articles about emotionally immature parents. Not saying that’s what’s happening here, but your parents‘ terrible reaction paired with your absolutely misplaced guilt and total lack of rightful anger over their despicable behavior are a red flag to me.

You are neither responsible for your parents feelings (they are adults and need to emotionally regulate themselves!) nor do you owe them a specific „grandparents experience“. You should be enraged that their priority isn’t your health or the health of their grandchild but you not liking them crossing your boundaries.

You had a retained placenta, a pph, and you’re still bleeding heavily?

Did they definitely get rid of all of the retained placenta on the second attempt?

For one of our NCT group, still bleeding turned out to be due to not all of the placenta having been removed in the first surgery. Bleeding stopped immediately after second surgery to remove what had been missed.

Mum visited yes when I came back to post natal after ITU. She looked after DS for an hour or so, so DH could shower etc. Only allowed 2 visitors in the room and that included DH so my dad didn’t come in unfortunately so hasn’t met DS yet. Mum obviously has though. She didn’t mention the lounge to either me orDH though when she visited which is the main thing making me wonder about her motivations because surely you’d mention it if you genuinely thought I’d love it??

Thanks all for making me more confident that I’m not hormonal and this was genuinely batshit behaviour and not ok. My plan is not to contact my mum and dad which kills me because obviously I want to share DS with them via photos and stuff throughout the day or when we do new things but I think you’re all right and I need to wait for them to come to me.

Maybe OP would like help without having the burden of having someone to stay.
I

It’s not support to be having to host someone that has forced themselves on you.

Spot on.

That’s batshit crazy, if my mum had done that, and I wouldn’t necessarily put it past her, she reorganised our kitchen when I had my first baby, my dad would’ve told her it was unacceptable.

Can we see the purple? 🤣

Jesus, OP - you sound lovely, but the fact that this is even a thought that’s crossed your mind, let alone become an additional source of guilt and worry, just demonstrates how heavily you’ve been conditioned to put their needs and wants and feelings above your own.

Becoming a grandparent is obviously very special, but becoming a parent is life-changing. Your world is turned upside down and your needs supersede all others, even in the best case scenario - and your situation has been far from that.

They should be desperately thankful that you and your baby are alive, and doing everything possible to make your life easier and more peaceful, not pulling stunts like this and having a pet lip because it didn’t quite go the way they imagined and they haven’t all had their ‘main character’ moment.

You haven’t ‘ruined’ anything for them - you’ve just given them a grandchild. They, however, have ruined your homecoming and wrecked your peace of mind, at a time when you should be happily nesting with your baby and DH.

I could accept the redecorating was possibly misplaced good intentions, but all the subsequent emotional blackmail when you’re already at such a low ebb I’d find very hard to forgive. They’re putting their feelings above yours and have obviously trained you to do the same. It’s shitty, selfish parenting.

First of all, congrats on baby! Hope you're both doing well.
Secondly, you're certainly not being unreasonable!
My mum is similar, she let's herself in when we're on holiday (no need to be in the house for pets etc) and cleans. She means well, but it feels like she's saying my house is dirty!
Most recently, she took it upon herself to get a double glazing company to come over while we were on holiday to quote for new windows as ours are "awful".
Leave them to sulk and enjoy your baby bubble.

Yep, still bleeding and they said not to worry unless it gets stupidly heavy again (it’s like a heavy period at the moment, I’m still in nappies) or if I started passing clots again. I’m seeing midwives every other day and they’re checking by my blood loss, stitches, general wellbeing etc at every appointment and I’m having weekly blood tests to check my iron levels are recovering and a couple of other things (I was induced for pre-eclampsia because my kidneys started struggling so they’re making sure that’s resolved now which it appears to be).

Perhaps they were recreating the womb for baby with the purple!!
You are not being unreasonable and they should reflect and apologise. You can offer an olive branch but suggest you keep a tight hold of boundaries as you are with MIL going forward.

Ahh op. You’ve really been through it!
Agree with some posts on here, the problem is her reaction.
Let her contact you. Let DH keep MIL at bay. Just relax, rest and recover.

Well you are clearly flying the flag for overbearing MILs proudly.

But insisting that you stay with a new mother who is still unwell and traumatised (NO MATTER YOUR RELATIONSHIP) makes you a total arsehole, and unlikely to be the sort of person who can offer any real support.

Which is bonkers on every level

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5233578-december-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

When you feel up to having a browse OP, this might be worth a read.

It is not MIL visiting. It is the staying bit. MIL could quite easily stay in an hotel.
OP is still ill and her husband is running round after her and you think they should have someone else staying?