DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

Dh needs to have a conversation, yes mum I know you want to see the baby but quite frankly my wife got sepsis and was in intensive care. She could have died. So right now she needs calm and quiet snd time to bond with our child because she didn’t get to see/hold them much because she was in intensive care. If you feel that your need to see your grandchild outweighs my wife’s need to recover and bond then please explain it to me, because all I see right now is your own excitement making you selfish in the extreme.

As for your parents a similar text… you did something with good intentions which just hasn’t worked out. I’ve had a very distressing and complicated birth and recovering and taking care of my child is my priority right now. I had sepsis, I was extremely ill and in intensive care. in all honesty I would have thought that you would want to support me but if your hurt feelings take precedence over your recovering daughter and new grandchild then just let me know when you (get the fuck over yourselves) feel able to be parents and grandparents again (rather than sulky teenagers)

then leave them to it… there may be an element of reactive fear buried underneath the selfishness but that’s not for you to worry about… enjoy your new family because dh and you sound like a great team

It’s the response of your parents to this drama that I find most telling

Creating the drama of getting offended, your dad calling you to have a go at you and now not talking to you when you’ve just given birth.

They sound deeply deeply unpleasant people OPand quite honestly, in your shoes I’d be embracing their absence

Part of me wonders if they all think I’ve ruined their experience of having their first grandchild by getting so poorly, I do feel weirdly guilty for it not being all cuddles and cooing right from the start but it’s not like I did it on purpose. Mum I think was just very worried about me but I honestly don’t think MIL has registered I almost died.

Wow. I would be so mad about this.

The very fact you think this Op would indicate you should head to the stately homes thread, and sharpish

Thank goodness your DH sounds solid, your little family of 3 is off to a good start.

Do you think the combination of you becoming parents and your DH being the one to support you in hospital emphasised to them that you are now a fully independent adult and that they are not responsible for you anymore? And at the same time feeling concerned for you.

Like PP said about dogs marking territory, was it an unconscious attempt at control?

On the basis of your last update, your parents sound more than profoundly u npleasant, they sound utterly awful. I honestly wouldn’t want them around your child op

Congratulations on your baby and your recovery, it sounds like a lot that you have been through! Laugh with DH and imagine yourselves looking back on this ridiculousness. If you do get a chance to communicate anything to Mum let it be 'Mum, I need you.'

If OP’s mother wanted to channel nervous energy into decorating, she could have done it in her own fucking house. This smacks of petty ego and my hat’s off to you @Blubstering for not ripping your parents a new one over their own shitty reaction to yours.

Send them the bill for the repairs.

And to those posters telling OP to be grateful, count her recent trauma as a blessing and all that bullshit, get in the fucking bin.

Say to them to tell 10 people what she did - friends, relatives, neighbours etc - and to see what the reaction is...

It is amazing how blind people can be to how unwell you are – over Christmas I was on antibiotics and oral steroids for a chest infection… And I just don't think my Mum really registered that I was really ill - Despite knowing I was on serious medication for it!

People can be really blind to things somehow.

Did they visit you during your week in hospital? Why was she even at your home whilst you were in hospital? She has a key?

Agreed. I thought exactly the same thing reading those words.

It’s astonishing

the op seems to actually think that they’re ok parents

when actually they sound horrific

I’d send a text to both parents, signed by both of you, sent by you to your parents, and DH to his parents.

“Blub has had a traumatic and difficult birth. Blub DH has been under a lot of pressure. These early days with our newborn is a precious time that we will not get back. It seems a great shame for fallouts and guilt tripping when we should all be enjoying this new little baby. For MIL who wants to visit, you are welcome! Please understand that you will need to stay in a hotel this time. For Parents you are also welcome!

We will not be discussing any contentious issues whilst we are enjoying our new time as a family. If you want a clean slate, we’d love to see everyone. If people cannot put their own issues aside for the sake of a new baby, and parents who are exhausted and stressed, and grateful to be alive… we’ll give you your space for now, and be in touch when things are more settled here.

I did kind of think that, too, but it was still over stepping. She should explain it, if that was the case, apologise, and offer to have it professionally put back the way it was. Not double down and have her husband, OP's dad, berate her over it as well. Especially after almost dying!

I cannot believe what you and your poor husband have gone through.
You nearly dying and him scared out of his mind no doubt.
Both of you with selfish drama laden fxxkwits for parents.

I bet you have tolerated far too much from them.

You are a mum now, put you, your baby and husband first.
Mind yourself first.
Do not allow them to cause you further upset.
Congratulations and wishing you well.

I'm sorry but I would write a long letter or email and then back away. Completely out of order as you are now a parent yourself with your own family and not a child anymore!

Yes, absolutely. I'm astonished at some people on this thread finding it unusual or unthinkable for a father to actually look after his own new baby.

Even if the nurses were willing and able to do it, why wouldn't the parents want to bond with their new baby if they (or at least one of them) is able to do so?

Just to add, if ANY of them sent back any sort of fuckwittery to DH or to me, I’d block them for a week or so and just enjoy being together with your new little family of 3. These are precious days that you don’t get back

Can I ask regarding MIL you don’t want her to visit but you mentioned up thread you would like your parents support ?
What support is it you would like from them and can’t your MIL offer that suppport?

Your mum's behaviour is bonkers. If she wanted to do something nice, what's wrong with running the duster and vacuum round and filling the fridge? And dad is enabling her.
I'd be giving them the decorators bill and getting the key back off them.
You've been through a hard time in hospital, and instead of helping they've made more work and stress for you. Let them stew. Enjoy the peace and your precious baby with your DH. 💐

Never mind what colour they chose. Poster chose a warm neutral colour and was happy

What colour is she now choosing the parent’s lounge to be painted if that’s how it works ..

There are some very strange posts on here. What your DM did was awful.

Congratulations on your new baby and well done for choosing a decent bloke who isn’t under his mum’s thumb. Let him deal with her - but he might need to spell it out more firmly. She needs to recognise how bad things were. And how you need recovery.

Ignore your DP now for a few days. But do not let them put you in the wrong. They need to know how much you’ve had to pay to have the room redecorated and that it is never acceptable to take it into your head to paint someone else’s house. DH and I wouldn’t set about doing that in our own house without agreeing with the other on what we’re doing!!

Do you understand that MIL lives 8 hours away and is insisting on staying with OP? Parents are local enough to be popping in to water plants