DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

I think I would send quite a blunt message saying that you’re very disappointed in their behaviour. You almost died and then had to deal with unwanted house changes. Tell them that they overstepped and if they want to continue to have a relationship with you and begin a relationship with their grandchild they will apologise for what they’ve done. Under no circumstances should you back down or apologise - you have done nothing wrong and in fact have been very polite in the face of shocking actions.

Get it repainted asap so she knows how much you hate what she did.

I don't know why your husband didn't take her to task and arrange to get it repainted before you came home.

I think you’ve been incredibly nice. I would be fucking furious. I would be painting it back to your previous colour immediately.

My MIL is an awful woman but she’s absolutely welcome to have a relationship with my child, I imagine she will be a fantastic grandma. What she’s not welcome to do is stay in my home and be waited on hand and foot while I struggle to get breastfeeding established and struggle to find 10 minutes in the day to sort my personal hygiene etc. I feel absolutely grim.

She’s also not supportive of my desire to BF, she disagrees with almost every aspect of my life and my choices and she’s not at all shy making her feelings known so I can’t imagine she’ll be any different about my parenting choices too.

All that said, we invited her to come and visit us for a couple of days, but asked her to stay in a local B&B rather than staying with us. She has refused which of course she’s allowed to, and chosen not to visit her grandchild because she disagrees with the principle of staying in a B&B.

@Hwi You sound really unpleasant.

This is beyond intrusive. Personally, I’d be asking them to put it back exactly as it was, immediately. It simply isn’t their room to choose decor for. Would’ve been different if they’d painted it exactly the colour you’d been planning to use and had already bought paint for, but they’ve just enforced their shit taste on you!

There are some absolute batshit takes on this thread, fair play. OP has had an absolutely awful time and a bunch of piss takers who just happen to be related to her are taking advantage of her.

OP, the rest of us are coming round with the paint of your choice and putting the room back to normal. Put your feet up, we've brought our own sarnies and we'll clean up afterwards.

chosen not to visit her grandchild because she disagrees with the principle of staying in a B&B.
Good!
The very last thing you need when you are feeling so vulnerable and weak in recovery is overbearing people laying down their laws.

Shame on all of them.
Enjoy the peace and quiet OP, get take aways, get DH to hire a cleaner for a bit, Anything to make life a bit easier for you both while you recover and enjoy your lovely newborn. You have earned it.

This post is vile. Shame on you.

As OP is still bleeding heavily after the removal of the retained placenta, she probably needs help with personal care, which most women would prefer to receive from their mums rather than their MILs.

It sounds as though OP's and her DH's mums are both self-involved nightmares who wouldn't offer much help even if they were there.

Probably because he was busy looking after his newborn baby and staying by the side of his incredibly life-threateningly sick wife.

I would be furious your mother elected to expose a new baby to off gassing paint fumes.

Fair enough to choose to do that yourself.

Sounds like the current situation with both grandmothers sulking could work in your favour, no visits sounds blissful.

So she’s just spent the week being the sole carer for her grandson

And then she ups and flounces and causes drama and now saying basically no contact

your poor ds must be wondering what the hell is going on. Grandma has spent the week with him and now…. Silence

she’s a bitch

You seem to be repeatedly missing the point.

This has nothing to do with the relationship - mother, mother-in-law, sister, second cousin twice removed, it’s all irrelevant. It’s about someone - anyone - imposing themselves as a houseguest on parents of a newborn, particularly in a situation where the mother had life-threatening complications and is still bleeding heavily, possibly feeling quite traumatised, and in nappies.

She hasn’t said to her MIL ‘don’t come’. She’s said ‘we can’t cope with overnight visitors, could you please stay in a hotel this time?’. To which the MIL has said NO. And gone into a massive sulk..

Which person in this scenario is guilty of ‘total bitch behaviour’, do you think?

Just wanted to wish you all the best - I had a PPH and it takes a while to recover. I think you're right to ignore the lot of them for a few weeks until you feel better. I'm shocked though that your parents don't think they've done anything wrong - I have to say you were politer than I would have been!

That's horrible. Honestly, I'd ask them to cough up for professional repainting - no way you should be fooling around on ladders when you're newly postpartum.

Exactly. There SHOULD be a double standard between mothers and MILs, because women who’ve just given birth are the patient and they have the right, want and need to choose who’s staying in their home when they’re at their most tired, hormonal and gross. The feelings of the person who has just given birth absolutely take priority over someone meeting their grandchild straightaway vs a few days later – makes no difference to the grandparent or to the baby, can make a lot of difference to the mother’s MH.

Seriously, OP. You do not need to justify yourself to lunatics like @Hwi and@Imbusytodaysorry

I’m sorry your parents are shit, and I’m sorry your MIL is shit. Your DH sounds great. It’s certainly not a given that men stand up to their overbearing mothers to support their wives.

Congratulations on your baby, and I’m sorry your birth was so traumatic for both of you. Enjoy breaking the cycle, and building your little family of 3.

'She hasn’t said to her MIL ‘don’t come’. She’s said ‘we can’t cope with overnight visitors, could you please stay in a hotel this time?’. To which the MIL has said NO. And gone into a massive sulk..'

Honestly, this is awful. One of ours now lives a good distance away. There is not a chance that if they have a baby I'd expect or want to stay in their house. You book close by and pop in and out as suits the new parents.

I'm stunned at the redecorating thing, just such a wrong thing to do . For the sake of your own mental wellbeing op I'd try and forget it and pretend it didn't happen. Well intended obviously but their arsiness is now worse than the offensive royal purple!

I think that the DS that OP referred to is the new baby. She said:

'Mum visited yes when I came back to post natal after ITU. She looked after DS for an hour or so, so DH could shower etc.'

A lot of assumptions ! I’d say it’s more about you than me .

I asked OP a question didn’t ask for a slagging match on her post for support.

Leave you for that one. .

You’ve been so much more pleasant and reasonable about it than I would have been. Kudos to you!

MIL lives 8 hours away and I find her a very difficult character. She is very judgemental and we have had run ins before. I don’t feel comfortable with her around while I’m struggling with breastfeeding in particular given she’s made comments before about it.

She also has a particular problem with people being in their pyjamas all day - well personally right now I’m wearing pyjamas exclusively so again, not comfortable and she would definitely make a comment.

In contrast while my mum’s made a mistake here, she would have been a huge help post partum by helping us clean, make tea, have baby so I can shower when DH is back at work etc. she also isn’t judgemental and I’d feel comfortable with her around when I’m not on form.

I once bought two big tins of paint for our lounge, a nice warm cream colour.

Husband said to take out our two young children and he would complete it when we were out.

Sadly I arrived home to a terracotta peach room.

It was terrible, but also my fault, having gone paint shopping with two lovely toddlers, I’d inadvertently picked up different coloured tins of paint, and not noticed.

If only my husband and checked with me, or looked at the other tin, but he didn’t either.

It was so awful, and we lived with it, until I bought more paint, but this time I chose a cream with too much lemon in it, so it was too pale and cold

You have my sympathy, and hopefully, yours will look lovely again soon, when you’ve got over the expense and paint smell.

I'd have been furious.

Exposing baby and you when ill to paint fumes is not ok. It's not like you want to have all of the windows open at this time of year with a new baby to get rid of the fumes. Her timing was ridiculous both because of that, and when you're fighting death having your first baby. Utter idiocy.

The behaviour of BOTH sets of parents is unacceptable.

You had better not be out of pocket with the decorator, your parents should be paying every bloody penny.

@Blubstering please try Spatone, I took 2 sachets per day in with some orange juice, it shot my iron levels back up really quickly after major PPH. The doctors couldn't believe it when they retested my levels. It's natural, and won't give you any nasty side effects that the tablets they give you for iron do.

Congratulations on your new baby Blubstering. I also had a traumatic experience with my first baby, please do get some therapy once you're physically better if you need it.