Page 9 | To give consequences to daughter for waking the baby

sleptlikeababydidnt · 2025-02-08T08:49:01+00:00

I'm probably just tired but dd is 7 and is constantly waking 4 month baby up either by bursting in our room to ask something when we've just put him down despite being told not to come in our room while we settle him or by raising her voice and waking him when he's napping, it's getting beyond a joke. We have a 5 year old who manages to keep her voice down and not wake the baby who also doesn't come in our room when asked not to. Aibu to give consequences for waking the baby or is that a step too far and I just need sleep?

katepilar · 08/02/2025 13:29

You dont need to give her consequences. You need to give her attention. She is craving positive contact with you.

BreatheAndFocus · 08/02/2025 13:34

She’s doing it on purpose. She’s 7 not 3! She’s well old enough to understand and she’s choosing to disobey, and then persisting when told not to (the repeated knocking).

I’d sit her down and make it quite clear her behaviour isn’t acceptable. I’d start by acknowledging that new babies are a lot of work at the beginning and it’s a big change for everyone in the family, but I’d also point out her behaviour is unkind to everyone and actually means that she’s getting less time with you because you’re having to re-settle baby and are tired.

If she’s forgetting then that’s different, of course, but this sounds like purposeful disobedience designed to cause you upset and trouble.

Shitlord · 08/02/2025 13:35

Long term could it work out to not close the door fully when putting the baby down to sleep and allowing DD to come in as long as she is quiet? Have a chat about why he needs quiet to sleep. So she doesn't feel this time is off bounds and fascinating and the baby gets used to not needing total quiet? Maybe she can sit there and watch you settle him, feel included and hopefully will have less of a requirement to barge in.

I think try and figure out why she's acting like this, then look for workarounds rather than punish. Ultimately she didn't ask you to bring in another baby and has to adjust but you can't punish a 7 year old for not finding it easy.

NorthernGirlie · 08/02/2025 13:37

My brother was 7 when i was born - he hated me! He used to put me in the big cupboard any chance he got and really, really played up apparently

IroningBoardAgainstTheWall · 08/02/2025 14:03

BreatheAndFocus · 08/02/2025 13:34

She’s doing it on purpose. She’s 7 not 3! She’s well old enough to understand and she’s choosing to disobey, and then persisting when told not to (the repeated knocking).

I’d sit her down and make it quite clear her behaviour isn’t acceptable. I’d start by acknowledging that new babies are a lot of work at the beginning and it’s a big change for everyone in the family, but I’d also point out her behaviour is unkind to everyone and actually means that she’s getting less time with you because you’re having to re-settle baby and are tired.

If she’s forgetting then that’s different, of course, but this sounds like purposeful disobedience designed to cause you upset and trouble.

Her behaviour is her telling her mum she's feeling left out.

Why would you punish someone for the way they feel?

IroningBoardAgainstTheWall · 08/02/2025 14:05

Jennifershuffles · 08/02/2025 13:06

I'll have to agree to disagree with you there.

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You think the third child should take priority over the other two? And that the other 2 should know that they are now second best?

Sushu · 08/02/2025 14:05

MissDeborah · 08/02/2025 09:53

FGS rewarding a child for normal behaviour!
No wonder we have a nation of entitled adults!
Ridiculous
She's 7 !

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That’s how children learn to grow up and be mentally healthy and resilient!? You don’t do it forever. You correct a bad behaviour in a positive way. She only gets the reward when she is being quiet and leaving the baby alone.

Floralnomad · 08/02/2025 14:08

BreatheAndFocus · 08/02/2025 13:34

She’s doing it on purpose. She’s 7 not 3! She’s well old enough to understand and she’s choosing to disobey, and then persisting when told not to (the repeated knocking).

I’d sit her down and make it quite clear her behaviour isn’t acceptable. I’d start by acknowledging that new babies are a lot of work at the beginning and it’s a big change for everyone in the family, but I’d also point out her behaviour is unkind to everyone and actually means that she’s getting less time with you because you’re having to re-settle baby and are tired.

If she’s forgetting then that’s different, of course, but this sounds like purposeful disobedience designed to cause you upset and trouble.

Do this , it will most likely result in your 7 yo hating her sibling . Great advice .

IroningBoardAgainstTheWall · 08/02/2025 14:09

Secretroses · 08/02/2025 10:23

I'm sorry, but this is absolutely ridiculous. The OP is not telling the 7 year old that she is less important than the baby. She is asking the 7 year old to be considerate to the baby's needs. I do not think this is unreasonable at all and yes, I do believe a 7 year old is old enough to manage without a parent giving them attention for 5 minutes.

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She is telling them that.

Because the 7 yo needs the mums attention
The baby needs the mums attention.

And she is being told very clearly that the baby's needs are more important. This isn't happening in isolation. This is the symptom of a child that feels like she isn't getting enough attention, all because if the baby, which is being reinforced by the mum going "baby needs me more than you"

Fountofwisdom · 08/02/2025 14:17

Why does it take two of you to settle the baby? One of you can settle the baby while the other parent does something with the older children or gets them ready for bed or whatever. I feel sorry for your DD. She’s only 7, she may be feeling anxious/left out due to the new baby and if she needs a parent, she needs to go into your room because for some reason you are both in there!

It would be horrible to punish her for this.

Fountofwisdom · 08/02/2025 14:21

BreatheAndFocus · 08/02/2025 13:34

She’s doing it on purpose. She’s 7 not 3! She’s well old enough to understand and she’s choosing to disobey, and then persisting when told not to (the repeated knocking).

I’d sit her down and make it quite clear her behaviour isn’t acceptable. I’d start by acknowledging that new babies are a lot of work at the beginning and it’s a big change for everyone in the family, but I’d also point out her behaviour is unkind to everyone and actually means that she’s getting less time with you because you’re having to re-settle baby and are tired.

If she’s forgetting then that’s different, of course, but this sounds like purposeful disobedience designed to cause you upset and trouble.

Bloody hell! Talk about an over-reaction! Terrible advice, the poor child is 7, she needs some attention from one or other parent while the other one is dealing with the baby. Sitting her down and reading her the riot act will make her feel confused and sad. She’s 7, not 17!

Jennifershuffles · 08/02/2025 17:09

IroningBoardAgainstTheWall · 08/02/2025 14:05

You think the third child should take priority over the other two? And that the other 2 should know that they are now second best?

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No, I think that with three kids, they all have to take turns, and that you also need to think about the mothers welfare (both in itself and because she is usually the lynch pin of everyone else's welfare).
Did you read what I wrote initially? I'm just suggesting that the OP can tell her 7yr old not to come in and then positively reinforce it when she doesn't. I suggest that she explain the situation in a loving way and tell the kid off if she breaks the rule. Being compassionate doesn't mean just letting kids do what they want all the time.
I suspect we might be misunderstanding each other though as I'm thinking that you're saying that the mother should just let her seven year old repeatedly interrupt the babies 20 minute bedtime routine?

Quercus3 · 08/02/2025 17:12

Simonjt · 08/02/2025 08:55

Surely the person parenting the seven year old should be the one stopping her going inti the bedroom? We didn’t expect our son to be quieter when his sister was a baby, not only is that not realistic, but it would have also taught him that he came second to his sister if we had gone down that route, which is a guaranteed way to make a child feel isolated, worthless and no longer a full member of the family.

Depends how you frame it I guess, I taught my daughter to be quiet whilst I put the baby down because then we'd be able to have uninterrupted play time for a bit. She was 2 when he was born, she got it!

berksandbeyond · 08/02/2025 19:23

It's not your 7 years fault that you've had so many children and she's now expected to be so grown up.

I've seen kids like this, it rarely ends well. They usually grow up far too fast

Eenameenadeeka · 08/02/2025 19:59

I've been in this exact situation and I definitely wouldn't punish. I know it's so frustrating when they wake the baby but I agree with the others that you need to make sure they don't feel pushed out. I'd try and make sure you get lots of quality time together when you aren't trying to get baby down, like if baby is laying on the floor do something with the other children and then when it is sleep time, tell them once you have put baby down you will play together - maybe she can set something up while you're getting baby down? I understand how frustrating it is but punishment will only make her feel worse and make this situation worse.

Moonnstars · 08/02/2025 20:14

sleptlikeababydidnt · 08/02/2025 09:20

When I say "we" I generally mean one of us, either myself or Dh. We both do bedtime but not necessarily together.
There's not always another adult around as sometimes Dh is at work.

'Generally' and 'both do bedtime but not necessarily together' suggests there are times when you are both involved with the baby as otherwise you would be saying one of us always watches the other children while one parent puts the baby down. As you are both involved in babies bedtime at some point this could seem like you are prioritising the baby. The 5 year old is perhaps not seeing themselves as being pushed out as much as the 7 year old who is older and has already gone through this once before. Your tolerance of the 7 year old being older might also be different as you think they should be able to behave better.
You need to get them involved. Rather than pushing them out of the bedroom get them to help put the baby down and settle them. They might soon get bored of this but will see that they are still important. At the moment being told to go away is rejecting them and if you punish them for interrupting the babies bedtime this will just confirm their thoughts.

BettyBardMacDonald · 08/02/2025 20:27

pictoosh · 08/02/2025 08:52

Your baby isn't your 7 year old's responsibility. I understand how frustrating this must be...but you're asking her to quell her natural childish personality and impulses. Your 5 year old is better at it but they are different children.
Remind her by all means but don't punish her...she won't be doing it deliberately.

My thoughts.

Nonsense. Everyone in the family is responsible for being courteous and considerate of others. The child is well old enough to control herself.

Vettrianofan · 08/02/2025 21:02

I've got 4. Get your 7yo to read a story to the baby. Get her involved. Make her feel included.

Sunholidays · 08/02/2025 21:06

berksandbeyond · 08/02/2025 19:23

It's not your 7 years fault that you've had so many children and she's now expected to be so grown up.

I've seen kids like this, it rarely ends well. They usually grow up far too fast

Eh? "Children like this"? you mean with younger siblings?

berksandbeyond · 08/02/2025 21:11

@Sunholidays children who are suddenly expected to no longer behave like children because they've been replaced with another smaller one

littlekipling · 08/02/2025 21:40

Could you find a way to give her an important role in settling him? Make her feel part of it. Ask her to read him a short story then kiss him goodnight and she can either sit quietly whilst you finish off getting him asleep and you both walk out together or she agrees to meet you back downstairs when you're done. She might not burst in if she's given permission to be there and part of it?

Mere1 · 09/02/2025 07:26

Moonnstars · 08/02/2025 20:14

'Generally' and 'both do bedtime but not necessarily together' suggests there are times when you are both involved with the baby as otherwise you would be saying one of us always watches the other children while one parent puts the baby down. As you are both involved in babies bedtime at some point this could seem like you are prioritising the baby. The 5 year old is perhaps not seeing themselves as being pushed out as much as the 7 year old who is older and has already gone through this once before. Your tolerance of the 7 year old being older might also be different as you think they should be able to behave better.
You need to get them involved. Rather than pushing them out of the bedroom get them to help put the baby down and settle them. They might soon get bored of this but will see that they are still important. At the moment being told to go away is rejecting them and if you punish them for interrupting the babies bedtime this will just confirm their thoughts.

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This is excellent advice.

starsinthedarksky · 09/02/2025 17:42

Would you punish the baby for waking up the 7 year old?

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 09/02/2025 17:59

sleptlikeababydidnt · 08/02/2025 09:01

It's mainly that she is asked not to come in our room where baby sleeps and yet still finds an excuse to or she'll knock loudly and won't stop until she's answered even after we tell her to go downstairs for a minute.

It's jealousy, plain and simple.
She wants attention.
She's already had to share you once with DC2 and now there's a new little person who needs more attention and she's struggling to adjust.
I'm going on how my firstborn was, it may not be the same but I've a gut feeling that it's what it is

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 09/02/2025 18:07

IroningBoardAgainstTheWall · 08/02/2025 14:09

She is telling them that.

Because the 7 yo needs the mums attention
The baby needs the mums attention.

And she is being told very clearly that the baby's needs are more important. This isn't happening in isolation. This is the symptom of a child that feels like she isn't getting enough attention, all because if the baby, which is being reinforced by the mum going "baby needs me more than you"

Edited

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She's trying to get the baby to sleep.
It's hardly showing that the baby is more important than the 7yr old. It's getting the baby into a sleep schedule which is important.

@sleptlikeababydidnt
I agree with others that maybe DC1 could get involved with babies bedtime. Encouraging the quietness in a positive light and then you two can have a little time for something afterwards. Like a mum and (name) reading time before she goes to bed.