To give consequences to daughter for waking the baby

[sleptlikeababydidnt]

I'm probably just tired but dd is 7 and is constantly waking 4 month baby up either by bursting in our room to ask something when we've just put him down despite being told not to come in our room while we settle him or by raising her voice and waking him when he's napping, it's getting beyond a joke.
We have a 5 year old who manages to keep her voice down and not wake the baby who also doesn't come in our room when asked not to.

Aibu to give consequences for waking the baby or is that a step too far and I just need sleep?

These comments are weird.
Has nobody ever heard of a baby monitor?
They are pretty advanced now, they have video, sound and some can even monitor breathing and heart rates.
I love a good contact nap, but sometimes slings, carriers and all that can be unpractical at times, especially for every nap.

Op I understand your frustration. Id start with rewarding the 5 year old for doing as you asked. You could also ask your 7 year old what she would like to do after you put down bub and follow through once she’s followed your instructions.
Making up an activity box for her to distract her during that time could also be an option for you.

Sounds like my DD. She's turning 7 in a few months and behaves in a similar way. She's the youngest, but our eldest DS is disabled and when he's poorly he can be incredibly difficult to settle so we need her to be quiet.

We found a reward chart and lots of praise helped. Things like "Wow you've been an amazing Sister today!" And "Hey you've done really well today, how about we go do XYZ tomorrow?"

If she isn't as quiet we don't punish her, we just don't reward her and that's all that's needed. On those days she'll usually apologise at bedtime and we'll have extra snuggles.

I know it can be difficult with a baby to care for, but making sure she gets quality time with her parents can really help, too.

Apologies as I'm sure I must have missed something here. But why are you both putting the baby down to sleep? Why isn't one of you doing it and the other one parenting your other children?

And if it is just one of you settling the baby to nap, why is the other parent not stopping your other child from coming up to your room?

There's a wide range of opinion on this thread! But my feeling would be try to get the older one involved more with helping and say "once the baby is asleep we will do (treat) together", or another option is judicious use of screen time or computer time

I think my solution addresses this, and helps teach the kid about playing your role in the family unit. Noone can expect to be centre of attention all the time, that's not healthy either. And nobody wins if the baby can't sleep do they?

She wants your time and attention.

If both you and DH are at home, then one of you needs to stay downstairs with the older children while the other settles the baby. If you're on your own, spend half an hour with the older ones before you settle the baby and then set them up with a TV show or something while you're busy upstairs.

Yes, a 7 year old should be capable of leaving you in peace for half an hour, but remember, her whole world has turned upside down and she'll likely be feeling a bit insecure and worried about her place in the family.

I think it's always hardest for the oldest children as they've had you to themselves at one point, whereas younger children have always "shared".

I don’t think you can make consequences for this unless it is positive ones recognising what she is getting right as mentioned above. I found it stressful trying to get my babies to sleep (also had 3) so sympathise so much, but it’s only a year or two for your baby and they won’t remember this phase, and you will get through it, whereas your 7 year old 100 per cent will remember and it will potentially impact on your relationship for a lot longer than a year or so. The other thing is when your oldest is 7 that seems so old, but to me as a mum of teens, 7 is still a baby.

Mum of 5 here. I think you are being unrealistic. In no world would I punish a 7 year old for this.

I also think people are missing the point when they ask why a seven year old can't be left to entertain themselves.

It's not about that - it's about the fact that mum/dad is now shut away in the bedroom with the new baby while they're left alone with their younger sibling, when up until recently, mum/dad would have been downstairs with them. That's a big change and it's understandable that they might find it upsetting or even a bit scary.

They're being told they can't come and knock, can't be involved and have to go away for 20-30 minutes everyday. There are nicer ways of dealing with it, IMO.

What mental abuse?

I think you are being slightly unreasonable. I think it okay to tell her not to wake the baby however, I think you are at risk of adultifcation. She is only 7. Perhaps you need to involve her in the care of the baby rather than telling to be quiet and go away.

Yabu

shes 7 and seen time with her parents reduced as two siblings come along and at the moment everything is centred around the baby

One of you settles the baby, the other stays with the other two. If your husband is not around then give her a job to do, praise her when it’s done, or even let her help you settle the baby

But don’t punish her for wanting your attention

Nah, you've got this the wrong way round. Baby fits around the elder siblings, not the other way round. Baby will get used to sleeping through noise if that's what they have to do. At 4 months, after encouraging both older children to sneak around, you'll have a tougher run, but it'll be absolutely worth it in the long run. It's impractical to expect 20 minutes of quiet every time a baby needs to sleep; you have no control over that.

How does she behave if you don't close the bedroom door? Is she knocking because it's closed and a FOMO? Hence continuing until you open it.

I'm confused.

You've acknowledged that the baby needs to be in the same room as you at all times.

A 4 month old sleeps for 12-16 hours a day.

You want your 7 year old to be unattended and quiet for 12-16 hours a day?

Your 5 year old must be an unusual temperament, I'm shocked that they are able to be quiet and leave you alone for the vast majority of the time.

You need to find ways of letting your 4 month old sleep through the normal noise of family life. DD used to fall asleep in her pushchair on a walk and I could just pop her in the Moses basket when I got back, or more frequently, she'd sleep on me but I would still be with the family in the living room.

Ridiculous! Absolutely over the top. She is not being abused. Get a grip.

But you said we creep down, so is baby left alone in the bedroom or not?

Our room as in her DH’s and her room, she has already explained this.

I wondered the same.

Give her lots of cuddles and encourage her to come in very quietly, be quiet yourself.

This won't last forever.

Sound like classic jealous behaviour
she knows exactly what she is doing to pull focus on to her not the precious baby

she needs attention and love bombing not punishment

take her out on a mummy daughter date as a starting point and start listening to her

I recall taking my daughter alone for a hot chocolate a year after my youngest was born and had a huge pang of guilt as I realised it was the first time in a year than I’d sat opposite her and just listened to her letting her chat and asking her questions … up to that point is was just “a hums” and “yes darling” ( with out doing any real conversations
her attention seeking irritating behaviour got better after that

I agree with this.
Why are both adults ''settling'' the baby behind a closed door, leaving a 5 year old and a 7 year old to feel pushed out.

No I wouldn't punish her are you trying to make her resent the baby?

@sleptlikeababydidnt this thread is insane.

You've been laid into because you called the bedroom you share with your DH 'our bedroom' and because you've use the term 'we' when describing what you or your DH do when putting the baby down. One person has even made the assumption that you are sitting in your room with the baby for all the time he is asleep while leaving your 7 & 5 YOs downstairs unattended for several hours a day.

No wonder you haven't come back!

Some of the sheep on MN really blow my mind at times.

It's probably best to use natural consequences to manage this situation. Try makign a plan to do something nice when the baby is asleep and then, if she wakes him, you don't have time to do the nice thing.

At 7YO she is probably jealous so, alongside the natural consequences, try to carve out a regular time where you have a few minutes just for her and remind her often how much you love her without mentioning the baby or being a big sister.

Oh my god can people actually not read

I think you can simultaneously understand her reasons (needing some attention, and just natural childish impulsiveness) and discipline undesirable lines of behaviour. Children thrive from clear rules, boundaries and consequences. Small amounts of age appropriate responsibility also make them feel important and valued in the family.

So I personally see no problem with consequences in this scenario. It will help her remember the rule more clearly and hopefully mean the behaviour repeats itself less, and everyone will be happier.