To give consequences to daughter for waking the baby

[sleptlikeababydidnt]

I'm probably just tired but dd is 7 and is constantly waking 4 month baby up either by bursting in our room to ask something when we've just put him down despite being told not to come in our room while we settle him or by raising her voice and waking him when he's napping, it's getting beyond a joke.
We have a 5 year old who manages to keep her voice down and not wake the baby who also doesn't come in our room when asked not to.

Aibu to give consequences for waking the baby or is that a step too far and I just need sleep?

"we've just put him down" If you actually mean that two of you are settling the baby while your other kids have no parental attention, then it's pretty obvious that the seven year old is saying "why is the baby so loved that he gets both parents while I get none?" Obviously the conclusion she's come to that she is loved less which sounds fairly likely.

However also it may be that actually you mean "we've" as in which one of you is dealing with the kids that day while the other is working or something. I think in that case obviously what you are doing can't be helped. I would say are there good consequences for the seven year old not interrupting? Like does she get someone's attention once baby is down? Is it special time for the bigger two to do an intense parent time activity while baby naps? If both of you are there maybe the 5 and 7 year old could each get an adult to do something, if they let you get the baby down quickly. Or if one adult, there must be a game that a 5 and 7 year old would both play with an adult, that a baby wouldn't?
"Go get out X quietly. If you are quiet, I'll get baby down quickly and then we'll have time for a full game or to finish X, before he wakes."

The Pp was talking about a reward system
Utterly ridiculous
She needs a firm telling off not a reward system
Acknowledge she wants you BUT right now I'm getting baby to sleep.
Do not wake him

It's fine for children to feel left out, sad, annoyed etc
They need to FEEL to develop resilience not have parents wading in with rewards to cushion things every 5 minutes.

Who is we then? In our room? We is more than one as is our. Surely she would say whilst I put the baby down in its room if it were just her.

I would promise mine game if they didn’t wake the baby - so gets full attention when baby is asleep. Works a treat.

Not an expert but co-sleeping is fabulous.Leave dad downstairs, once bub is asleep transfer to cot. Then you and dad have time to put the other 2 to bed. If one comes in with you who cares? My now 30yo snuck into my bed regularlly until he was about 8. It doesn't matter. Just go for happy and chill. Good luck.It's actually a very brief time.

None. Poor child feels left out and wants attention.

The op wants to make the matter worse and 'give her consequences' which is just a veiled way of saying 'punish her'

Really nasty way to think about her daughter who up to the siblings arrival would have been the centre of attention.

No, take her in once with you and show her how you settle the baby quiet as a quiet mouse and teach her how to let herself in and be quiet and patient sitting on the floor until you are ready. Integrate and include her, don't scapegoat her just because her sibling is less impulsive

Sounds like she's already responsible for minding the 5 year old at the time.

You can still adore your siblings and at the same time feel left out.

There was 10 years between my brother and I and my mum used to say ill just be 15 minutes but sometimes she wasn't. Sometimes she was longer. It really felt like a threat to my time with my mum while she was still in a reasonable state to play with me and not over tired.

Also a lot of 7 year olds can tell the time, but they can still experience time blindness too. A minute can feel like an age. 10 minutes feels like eternity, especially if the prospect of something more exciting is coming.

In this instance as OP already has 2 children she should try and get the baby used to sleeping while there is some background noise like a white noise machine or equally take both her other children upstairs with her while she puts the baby down so the other 2 can entertain eachother and still feel secure knowing mum is right there.

Surely the 5 and 7 year olds are at school when the baby naps? Or is this only happening at weekends?
Tbh the baby just had to fit in with the older children. We were out at clubs after school hours. Weekends all over the place. Clubs, days out etc. Do you stay in for all the babies naps? If so I can see why the older child feels pushed out

I agree, natural consequences.

Later there will be a thread about a 7yo who doesn't follow instructions at school to keep quiet and everyone will say its because of flakey parenting. Over here a parent tries to parent and is practically labelled a monster. The double standards are ridiculous on mumsnet sometimes.

And the reading comprehension. No wonder there was post recently about the average reading age being 9-11.

What are you talking about?

7 is plenty old enough to understand 20 minutes quiet time at bedtime.

Yes to a consequence, but nothing major. So no TV for 15 minutes. Or loss of tablet for the same amount of time. Just something to embed it in her head.

Could you take her up with you. Let her see what goes on when baby is being put to sleep. Take the mystery out of it. It probably seems to her like baby gets this special one on one time with you and if she sees that really it’s the same as the way you put her to sleep it won’t feel like she’s missing out on anything.

I think you're making a mistake by creeping around and insisting on silence. The baby fits into your life, not the other way round IMO. I made the mistake of doing this with my firstborn who then couldn't sleep at the slightest sound. With my second, I didn't do that. Life has to go on.

ok age differences of children here match my family growing up. My sibling and I felt like 3rd wheels. All about the baby. It was us farmed out to be looked after when space was needed. Us expected to look after the toddler. Us blamed if he fell over.

I say don't punish but do very seriously think about any dynamics you are creating that could result in jealousy, feeling ignored etc etc

I'm sorry, but this is absolutely ridiculous. The OP is not telling the 7 year old that she is less important than the baby. She is asking the 7 year old to be considerate to the baby's needs. I do not think this is unreasonable at all and yes, I do believe a 7 year old is old enough to manage without a parent giving them attention for 5 minutes.

If "give consequences" translates as punishment then you are definitely being unreasonable. One of you stays with the baby to settle it and the other is with the other children.

Could you sleep if someone came bursting in your room or persistently knocked on the door?.

This!! It's not 'pushing her out' why shouldn't the new baby get a bit of mums undivided attention just like DD did when she was a baby she is not her parents only child!!!

@MissDeborah I could sleep through an earthquake, so can my youngest. I was merely stating what worked for me.

Not utterly ridiculous because rewards work.
DD is obviously noisily coming into the bedroom to get her parent's attention. Attention here IS the reward - negative attention (punishment) or positive attention either way it's still what she's after
Best way to deal with this is give her the positive attention as reward if she does as asked.
DD, if you can leave us alone quietly for 15 minutes so I can settle the baby then we'll have time to play your game/read your story when baby is asleep.
Natural reward for not waking baby - DD gets some positive attention with parent playing her game.
Natural consequence for waking baby - oh dear we don't have time for our game now because the loud noise woke baby up.

By only setting up a negative consequence (a punishment for coming in) DD is still getting the attention she wants but has zero incentive NOT to carry on doing it