To give consequences to daughter for waking the baby

[sleptlikeababydidnt]

I'm probably just tired but dd is 7 and is constantly waking 4 month baby up either by bursting in our room to ask something when we've just put him down despite being told not to come in our room while we settle him or by raising her voice and waking him when he's napping, it's getting beyond a joke.
We have a 5 year old who manages to keep her voice down and not wake the baby who also doesn't come in our room when asked not to.

Aibu to give consequences for waking the baby or is that a step too far and I just need sleep?

I understand it's frustrating. I have a 3 year old and a 13 year old. The 13 year old has adhd and can be quite loud in the evenings, it's not his fault though; even though at times he opens doors very loudly or stomps up the stairs and wakes 3 year old. I remind him to be quiet and that's that. Yes it's annoying but I don't punish him for it! He lives here too.

I agree with the previous poster who has suggested rewards if your dd does remember not to wake the baby, @sleptlikeababydidnt. If I were you, I'd have a star chart, so every day she remembers not to wake the baby, she gets a star, and a reward for, say, 10 stars. You probably should do the same for the 5 year old, so she doesn't feel left out.

Could you also put a notice on your bedroom door - "Please be quiet - baby is sleeping" - as a visual reminder for her?

It might be that she is doing it for attention - are you spending time with her when the baby is napping? Perhaps consider making time for her one on one so she doesn't feel sidelined.

You should be less concerned about the eldest making noise and teach your baby to sleep with normal household noise . If you are born into a house where there are older siblings that’s life , he will get used to it .

You don't need to creep around ffs. The baby will never sleep if they're not exposed to any noise.

This thread is full of weirdos, sorry to say.

Mental abuse. You should be sitting next to your newborn at all times when they are sleeping. You have scarred your DD forever by bringing a sibling to her life. Good grief

Why does it take two people to settle the baby?
One person needs to settle the baby and the other person needs to be with the older children- doing something nice with them to distract them if necessary.
Win win then for everyone.

This is surely just part and parcel of having a baby when you have other fairly young DC...

When my MIL brought my dh home from the hospital, she put the telephone under his bed, to teach him to sleep through anything.

It worked a treat - he is 61 now and could sleep through the Band of the Coldstream Guards marching through the bedroom!

We got our eldest to read a bedtime story to the baby to stop her feeling left out. She loved doing it and it meant we could do nappy and change etc uninterrupted and she then gave me a couple of minutes to settle him. He’s 3 now and still loves her to read his bedtime story to him.

This. Do you mean both of you settle baby? If so that's not necessary, it only takes one and if its just one settling the other parent should be reinforcing that you don't burst in and wake the baby. If it's one adult on their own, reiterate I am settling baby now, once I'm done we will read/bath/eat/whatever

YANBU in my opinion as someone with a 7 year old, 4 year old and baby. My 4 year old often doesn't understand the need to not come in/be quiet when getting the baby to sleep and I feel she is old enough to, I'd be really cross if my 7 year old was doing it!
It's for a short period of time, it's not like you're ignoring them for the baby all day.

Some definitely do 😂

Explain the baby rule to both of them. Ask them for suggestions for consequences. Then stick to it.

Depends on the 7 year old

No it doesn't. It says baby is top.

When they should all be equal.

Indeed, which is why I said that some definitely do!

Mine is almost 6 and we also have a 4 month old. She is similarly disruptive at baby's nap time and i do feel there's an element of sabotage there, however subconscious. She'll do things like flick the lights on and off or decide to build noisy marble runs as well as bursting in to chat. It's hard but I personally try to see it through her eyes: that we are now constantly busy with baby and she feels shut out. I don't think she means to disturb the baby per se, but knows all our attention is in that room so she wants to muscle in too, having never had to wait much for our attention before.

My child is both articulate and artless enough to say things like "I want to be [baby]", "who's looking after me?" or, the doozy, " I actually wish [baby] hadn't been born 🙂". It's sad to hear but I'm honestly glad she feels she can say these things to me. At least I'm in no doubt as to her feelings and wants.

Your DD7 is probably struggling to orient herself in this new normal. I don't think punishing her will achieve much besides confirming her worst fears. But negotiating positive 1:1 time together - eg "if you let me get baby to sleep then you and I can [insert desirable activity] - is probably more constructive. This does mean you've absolutely got to stick to your word though. Just because she is old enough to amuse herself doesn't mean she should always be obliged to do that. She's allowed to need you too - and to struggle and sometimes fail at being the big kid.

This is v much a work in progress for me too. It's really hard. Sending solidarity.

4 months is peak sleep regression! I'm not surprised OP is posting at this point down the line, newborns sleep through most things but 4 month olds throw it all out the window. Don't blame them for creeping around.

"Let's make sure that the baby is FAAAST asleep, and then we can play!"

I agree with PPs that she likely is vying for your attention but that does not excuse her behaviour - she is crossing a boundary and you need to uphold that boundary kindly but very firmly. Her feelings are valid, using them to behave however she pleases is not.

Maybe something that's preemptive rather than consequential? An activity / programme she could watch while you put the baby down? A reward for her remaining downstairs successfully? A walk or outside game with the other adult?

That's what I'd do - positive reinforcement rather than negative consequences.

I would however have no qualms about having a proper conversation about her behaviour and say that if she doesn't stop doing it there will be consequences because you know she can do it it's that she won't or doesn't.

The baby also has to adjust to having noise around. Does the baby sleep if you have a radio on in the background? If not, you should practice and get the baby used to noise.

Its a lot of years since mine were this age, but I understand the sleep deprivation, it’s a desperate feeling OP, so I can appreciate that you feel less than pleased with your 7 year old.
I think you need to determine if she is doing this for attention or is naturally a noisy child, I think she’s old enough for you to sit her down and explain that baby is very tiny and needs his/her special big sister to let him/her sleep.
Play a ‘quiet’ game with both your children… ‘let’s see who can tip toe the quietest up the stairs’ ‘who can close doors quietly’, ‘who can speak quietly’, etc etc, reward with a star chart, the most stars at the end of the week gets a treat.
It’s a difficult time and she might be feeling left out, new babies take every minute of our time, she’s going to want attention one way or another so she’ll be naughty if she’s not getting it for being good.
Praise and reward is the way forward.

I'll have to agree to disagree with you there.

What a ridiculous response.