To give consequences to daughter for waking the baby

[sleptlikeababydidnt]

I'm probably just tired but dd is 7 and is constantly waking 4 month baby up either by bursting in our room to ask something when we've just put him down despite being told not to come in our room while we settle him or by raising her voice and waking him when he's napping, it's getting beyond a joke.
We have a 5 year old who manages to keep her voice down and not wake the baby who also doesn't come in our room when asked not to.

Aibu to give consequences for waking the baby or is that a step too far and I just need sleep?

A newborn and an infant aren't quite the same thing.

Does the 7 year old defy instructions, loudly interrupt others and clamor for attention at school? I doubt it. She is choosing to be disruptive at home, and this behaviour should be curbed.

She’s a child with a new sibling who obviously needs more attention than they’re getting. Why are they leaving a child downstairs alone to put the baby to bed? Of course the child is going to follow you up and use any excuse they can? That’s on the parent, not the child.

The baby's needs ARE more important, at least at this stage. A 7-year-old should understand this, even if she doesn't like it. Billions of children have had to realize that infants take up their parents' time and attention. That's life.

Step wayyy too far. One way or another baby will get their sleep and won’t remember any of it. On the other hand your daughter will always remember how you pushed her aside.

Sorry but baby Needs to get used to having 2 older siblings. Kids won't pussy foot around a baby all the time. I grew up with 4 older siblings and two younger. The house was always noisy sometimes babies got woken but they soon adjusted. Giving her consequences will just make her feel isolated and she will see baby as a rival for your affection and may not accept them easily leading to bullying etc. Remember your DF was there before either of her siblings and suddenly she is having not just 1 but 2 others to share her affection with.

Your poor 7 year old. Just because you have a new baby doesn’t mean you aren’t her parent anymore, she probably wants you more than ever right now and you’re considering punishing her for it.

It so interesting there's people that want their direct needs are more immediate and need dealing with "right now".

But an older child's need to feel included and equal are just as important, even if not in that exact moment of feeding baby.

This won't be the only behaviour the child is displaying in regards to this issue., it's just the one OP notices most.

Oh sort your self out.

Loads of kids are perfect at school and let it all out at home.
You're saying that small children aren't allowed to express negative emotions and not giving them the tools to deal with it, not acknowledging that perhaps they are allowed to feel this way.

She's 7 so is getting her mums attention away from baby back to her, and its working. Which suggests she's not feeling quite as wanted as before, and all because the mum and dad are prioritising the baby over her, probably in all parts if her life.

I think a 7 year old is easily old enough to understand you need like 15 minutes alone with the baby with no noise or other distraction. Right, she needs you too, but at her age she can manage a few minutes without you - unless the house is on fire - and especially if you explained why. I suspect your oldest isn't too happy about the new baby and now tries and make you feel guilty. Has she trouble sharing you with the 5-year old as well? Don't let her do that, and don't give in. Just continue settling baby as you do now, and if she bursts into the room gently tell her to go downstairs. Then when baby is asleep go ask her what was so urgent, make her see she's in the wrong. I wouldn't punish her, but let her feel you feel very unhappy about her not doing as asked.

Why are you both settling the baby down to sleep?

But if you swap things over and give in to her then you are saying baby's needs (sleep) come second to her want for attention from mummy. That's equally unfair? Why does the new baby come second to their sibling?
OP cannot be in two places at once.

Recognising that a very new baby is more vulnerable than a 7 year old is not 'putting the baby first' it is recognising that a 7 year old is more able to wait to have their needs met, than a new baby can wait. If baby has to wait to be settled to sleep they will rapidly become overtired and harder to settle. A 7 year old should be perfectly capable of waiting 5 minutes for her mum to be available.

I'd also argue that the 7 year olds 'need' for her mums attention is not, in that moment, a need, but a want. She needs her mums attention but she does not actually need it right that moment!!

A family member has 3 children, an older boy completely ignored him then the six year old mother absolutely cherished her then the baby came along mother dropped the 6 year old like a hot potato and absolutely cherished the baby now all three children have mental health issues would you believe?

Your daughter wants your attention. Find some way of giving it to her while putting baby to sleep. One of you deals with the older 2 while one puts baby to bed

This. She's looking for attention and you will achieve nothing here. Find a new plan.

Parent all your kids ffs

@sleptlikeababydidnt

“HundredPercentUnsure
Baby shouldn't be sleeping in a different room to you anyway at 4m old, if you follow the advice from NHS and lullaby trust?

Stick baby in a sling to nap and give your 7yo the attention they're craving.”

'Baby naps in the lounge and sleeps in our bedroom with us'

'It takes 5 minutes to put him down but then he isn't in a deep sleep for around 15 minutes during which we creep downstairs so we need her to keep it down and not go up during that time.'

Which is it?

My first thought is that she’s feeling put out new sibling etc
i would include her in the baby routine, get her to help whisper hum , and assist you
make her an important part of setting the new baby

Think you need to think about your DD7 here not your baby, baby will just go back to sleep. DD probably feels very left out of why she is is not allowed in the room with you and baby.

I think it would be better to give her encouragement re how to be a good big sister.
I got my friend this book for her daughter when she had new baby called Im a new big sister. Its great book, gives lots of advice and tips on being a big sister while she is colouring in the pictures.
amzn.eu/d/iojYHU7

I think you have to take note of this.
Very unfair on the older child when they have to put their needs second to the younger one. The 7 yr old does not need "consequences" - it would be understandable if she then resented the younger child as this did not happen before they were born.
I do understand that PND would have made the situation even more difficult, but still don't think the older child should see the younger one being preferred over them.

So you expect a young child who has just had her world turned upside down by the arrival of another child to keep her voice down and tiptoe around in her own house when it isn't even HER bedtime. Try harder OP. You have 3 children, life doesn't revolve around just one.

It's not an unreasonable expectation.

"Shh, baby is sleeping," is hardly abusive.

Probably as the OP said WE

As the OP clarified about 8 pages back, she used ‘we’ as I interpreted it, to mean ‘one of us’. Does no one else speak like that?! ‘We better get some milk.’ ‘We need to get Ellie to school by 8.30.’ ‘We take the kids to football on a Saturday.’ - none of these to me would mean both parents would do that job, just that it is a shared responsibility and either parent could do it!

OP has said there are not 2 of them in the bedroom with the baby while 2 older ones run feral. Like many families, one parent is out, the other is setting the baby, the older ones are expected to entertain themselves for 15 minutes. All very normal.

My observation is that you are making problems with your baby by creeping around. A baby can and will get used to sleeping with noise around. I had four children, have worked in a children’s home with babies aged from birth to six years old and fostered newborns whilst bringing up my own children and child minding. I never tried to be quiet around a baby and never had problems with a baby not settling because of noise.
My one experience of a baby like yours was when I babysat my Aunt’s grandchild with her and we were told not to put the TV on for half an hour after the baby was asleep, or to talk above a whisper. That girl is grown up now and still has problems getting to sleep unless in complete darkness and silence.